BS, did telling the OM/OW BS blow up in your face?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I totally understand wanting to strike out and I know well what grief feels like. I do have an honest query: looking back do you think it's the WS's responsibility to end the A immediately? If the WS doesn't but the BS does, how does that speak to intent for those that want to R?

 

A BS can not end the affair. That lies solely with the WS.

 

No one has the right to jerk others around.

 

Being that the WS has decided to make their word worthless, it is wise for a BS to monitor in the short term for continued contact. If it continues, a BS should start separation procedures.

 

A WS has to earn trust back, which is much more difficult than getting trust to begin with.

 

Just as there ARE WS who want to continue the affair, there ARE WS who are mortified at who they had become. Most people do not like to view themselves as a cheater...let alone be called one.

 

The safest person to be with in a relationship....is someone who knows themselves and protects themselves. Who lives their life with eyes wide open. Who doesn't run from confrontation. Who isn't afraid to self analyze.

 

A call to the OBS does none of that. That isn't the point of the call.

[minimariah]

The addiction is not to the person but the feeling.

 

but this isn't true for every affair - in fact, i dare to say that it isn't true for MOST affairs that i know of. however, the WS and the BS both try their best to minimize the importance of the affair on some "fake it until you make it" method. the question is - how can you possibly know if the affair of your WS was just an addiction OR a real relationship with very real feelings?

 

How could a relationship based on lies and secrets be fully developed?

 

in my opionion - affairs where the APs are honest and open with each other aren't based on lies and secrets at all. the lies and secrets are between the AP and their BS; not between the APs.

 

What kind of BS wants a relationship with someone who leaves for their AP?

 

it's not about leaving FOR someone - it's about taking the time out of your life and marriage and figuring out what you really want. i can ask you the similar question - what kind of BS wants a relationship with someone who had to be FORCED to end it with their AP via exposure?

 

Your post kind of assumes the BS will take them back once they've sewed their oats and gotten the AP out if their system. Seems like that should have happened before the marriage. Otherwise, why even say vows or get married?

 

i honestly have no idea. the entire idea of vows and marriage is pretty abstract to me - i have no idea how people can VOW to love someone until the rest of their lives... i personally don't even know if i'll see the sun rising tomorrow... let alone what can or will happen in the next decade.

 

and yes, my post is about those WS and BS who decide to get back together or wait on each other - in any other case, clearly the reconciliation won't happen.

 

Most affairs are NOT fully developed relationships. See how I didn't say ALL.

 

when we talk about affairs, of course we talk about MOST of them - there are always exceptions and we can't generalize. after all, every one of us here have different experiences and we're all in different environments - so naturally, we will have different opinions and outlook on things.

 

i'm absolutely not talking about ALL affairs, no one really is. i don't think we have to point that out specifically.

 

i'm not trying to say that true reconciliation does not happen and i'm not trying to say that for many APs out there - the affair isn't a true addiction. just writing about exposure and how it CAN end... in a negative way. i am sure it works out honestly for many couples.

 

Quite frankly, if a WS loses respect or gets angry at their BS, for being outed...then that shows how little regard they have for the rights of others.

 

i disagree with this. i would personally be super turned off by my BS outing me WITH the intention to keep me in line - the intention matters here, not the act of outing. as far as rights go... no, i don't believe that outing the affair is among the BS's rights. the BS is FREE to do so, of course - just like the WS is free to have an affair in the first place... both actions come with a lot of consequences for a lot of other people, of course. rights aren't about what's moral or good, at all.

 

Most information out there..in regard to affairs.,,is that most men do not leave or even ever wanted to leave their BS.

 

disagreeing with this, too - in my environment, men leaving their BS is not a rarity at all.

 

i agree with one thing - the BS cannot end the affair. they can, however, influence and push the WS in a certain direction.

Edited December 25, 2015 by minimariah

[Whoknew30]

Once the WS breaks from the AP and heals, there should be no pining for the AP. The addiction is not to the person but the feeling. So who cares how it ends. The ending if the affair then clears the mind if the WS to figure why they needed that feeling, not that person.

I don't think affairs are fully developed relationships. How could a relationship based on lies and secrets be fully developed? What kind of BS wants a relationship with someone who leaves for their AP? Your post kind of assumes the BS will take them back once they've sewed their oats and gotten the AP out if their system. Seems like that should have happened before the marriage. Otherwise, why even say vows or get married?

 

I disagree with the "addiction to the feeling & not the person". I had ample opportunities to cheat in my life but I never thought in a million years I ever would until I met OM. He's the only one I would have ever had an A with. In my case it was him as the person, my feelings towards "him" were absolutely real, it wasn't an addiction to the feeling of cheating what so ever.

 

When I chose my marriage it was bc I did love my husband & in therapy I was honest with H about my feelings for OM. Then again the only person in my inner circle that didn't know was H, everyone else did & OM's inner circle also knew about me. We didn't hang out together around them, but people very well knew on both sides. We weren't exactly "hidden".

 

I think that's partly why I confessed when I did, had my A gone on any longer it would have crossed into a point of no return. I could have very easily have been with OM long term.

[road]

@Road Please don't assume you know what's in my head. Your comments are very presumptuous to say the least. I am well aware of what exposure means. I merely stated what happened in my case. I am not asking for your approval or support in my situation. I only come here to read and offer opinions from time to time. I am not stressing!

 

 

I also do not seek your approval. I am not into your opinions but fact. You do not have to agree or disagree with my facts. It does not matter to me that we disagree.

[Whoknew30]

I also do not seek your approval. I am not into your opinions but fact. You do not have to agree or disagree with my facts. It does not matter to me that we disagree.

 

Fact? According to you. What you've stated in your post is opinion, not fact.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whoknew...I agree with your statement

 

First of all...many of us are "speculating" on what we would do...second....we each make decisions that we believe are right for us where infidelity is involved....and there is no right or wrong answer. There is simply...the "best" answer for me.

 

I can only wish that there is one size fits all and there is a "correct" answer for all. It is like raising children....we do the very best we can with the circumstances we have been given....and while there are guidelines how to discipline and guide them....we have to take into consideration...the individual child.

[NewLeaf512]

A BS can not end the affair. That lies solely with the WS.

 

No one has the right to jerk others around.

 

Being that the WS has decided to make their word worthless, it is wise for a BS to monitor in the short term for continued contact. If it continues, a BS should start separation procedures.

 

A WS has to earn trust back, which is much more difficult than getting trust to begin with.

 

Just as there ARE WS who want to continue the affair, there ARE WS who are mortified at who they had become. Most people do not like to view themselves as a cheater...let alone be called one.

 

The safest person to be with in a relationship....is someone who knows themselves and protects themselves. Who lives their life with eyes wide open. Who doesn't run from confrontation. Who isn't afraid to self analyze.

 

A call to the OBS does none of that. That isn't the point of the call.

 

Actually I was asking NotCamelot. Thanks

[DAO]

but this isn't true for every affair - in fact, i dare to say that it isn't true for MOST affairs that i know of. however, the WS and the BS both try their best to minimize the importance of the affair on some "fake it until you make it" method. the question is - how can you possibly know if the affair of your WS was just an addiction OR a real relationship with very real feelings?

 

 

 

in my opionion - affairs where the APs are honest and open with each other aren't based on lies and secrets at all. the lies and secrets are between the AP and their BS; not between the APs.

 

 

 

it's not about leaving FOR someone - it's about taking the time out of your life and marriage and figuring out what you really want. i can ask you the similar question - what kind of BS wants a relationship with someone who had to be FORCED to end it with their AP via exposure?

 

 

 

i honestly have no idea. the entire idea of vows and marriage is pretty abstract to me - i have no idea how people can VOW to love someone until the rest of their lives... i personally don't even know if i'll see the sun rising tomorrow... let alone what can or will happen in the next decade.

 

and yes, my post is about those WS and BS who decide to get back together or wait on each other - in any other case, clearly the reconciliation won't happen.

 

 

 

when we talk about affairs, of course we talk about MOST of them - there are always exceptions and we can't generalize. after all, every one of us here have different experiences and we're all in different environments - so naturally, we will have different opinions and outlook on things.

 

i'm absolutely not talking about ALL affairs, no one really is. i don't think we have to point that out specifically.

 

i'm not trying to say that true reconciliation does not happen and i'm not trying to say that for many APs out there - the affair isn't a true addiction. just writing about exposure and how it CAN end... in a negative way. i am sure it works out honestly for many couples.

 

 

 

i disagree with this. i would personally be super turned off by my BS outing me WITH the intention to keep me in line - the intention matters here, not the act of outing. as far as rights go... no, i don't believe that outing the affair is among the BS's rights. the BS is FREE to do so, of course - just like the WS is free to have an affair in the first place... both actions come with a lot of consequences for a lot of other people, of course. rights aren't about what's moral or good, at all.

 

 

 

disagreeing with this, too - in my environment, men leaving their BS is not a rarity at all.

 

i agree with one thing - the BS cannot end the affair. they can, however, influence and push the WS in a certain direction.

 

 

And I disagree with this....

 

WS is irrelevant in a total exposure

 

Total exposure(expose everywhere to everyone,the corner shop included) is about control and power the righteous one uses in order to regain his/he life

 

Total exposure does not have anything to do with the reconciliation.

 

Total exposure will certainly "kill the affair", once WS has to face the victims(BS,children,OBS,OBS children),parents,in laws,coworkers ,neighbours and the lady from the corner shop.All this will affect (hurt) WS immensely,but it is just the consequence of his/her actions.To hurt WS intentionally is not primary objective of victim(BS)

Total exposure is most important tool in the process of healing the victim/s(BS,children),as it helps to overcame the feelings of victimhood For example.The affair sex life of WS ,as a consequence cause BS to have the feeling of inadequacy .Keeping this feeling for himself/herself will trigger the shame in the victim(BS). The shame will cause the loss of the fate in the people,as the victim(BS) will think ,that people perceive him/her as inadequate person .In the order to hide the shame ,the victim(BS) will expose himself/herself to the gilt of not living authentic .honest life without hypocrisy. Total exposure eliminate all this. Victim(BS),exposing WS,gain the confidence,refuses to be victim.shakes off the feelings of victimhood ,does not accept the same of WS,and does not gilt trap himself/herself.

So,by fully exposing WS,the victim(BS) will regain the full control of his/her life.Once in the control of his/her life,the victim(BS)will have all the power in the present relationship.The future relationship will be determined by the victim(BS),and WS can not do anything about it.At this point,all WS has is the hope.If given second chance,and of course ,if WS accepts the second chance it is up to him/her to do all hard work to repair all the damage inflicted on the victims(BS,children).

It is obvious ,that healing of the victims(BS,children)is at expense of WS,but it is not an intentional revenge

Can it be interpreted as a revenge?Yes.

Is all this is unfair,cruel,ruthless? Yes,but rightfully so.

Just in case,if you ask me,why would WS accept the second chance if given one?

Well,because there is no a new honest start for a cheater

To start new relationship WS has few choices

Admit cheating and be seen as the cheater .Yes

Lying about cheating and start a new relationship based on the lie

Start,a new life with AP and be condemned by most people who once love him/her.Add to it hatred of AP children....certainly not a nice place to be.

After the exposure,it is always comes to one simple word......cheater

[Whoknew30]

And I disagree with this....

 

WS is irrelevant in a total exposure

 

Total exposure(expose everywhere to everyone,the corner shop included) is about control and power the righteous one uses in order to regain his/he life

 

Total exposure does not have anything to do with the reconciliation.

 

Total exposure will certainly "kill the affair", once WS has to face the victims(BS,children,OBS,OBS children),parents,in laws,coworkers ,neighbours and the lady from the corner shop.All this will affect (hurt) WS immensely,but it is just the consequence of his/her actions.To hurt WS intentionally is not primary objective of victim(BS)

Total exposure is most important tool in the process of healing the victim/s(BS,children),as it helps to overcame the feelings of victimhood For example.The affair sex life of WS ,as a consequence cause BS to have the feeling of inadequacy .Keeping this feeling for himself/herself will trigger the shame in the victim(BS). The shame will cause the loss of the fate in the people,as the victim(BS) will think ,that people perceive him/her as inadequate person .In the order to hide the shame ,the victim(BS) will expose himself/herself to the gilt of not living authentic .honest life without hypocrisy. Total exposure eliminate all this. Victim(BS),exposing WS,gain the confidence,refuses to be victim.shakes off the feelings of victimhood ,does not accept the same of WS,and does not gilt trap himself/herself.

So,by fully exposing WS,the victim(BS) will regain the full control of his/her life.Once in the control of his/her life,the victim(BS)will have all the power in the present relationship.The future relationship will be determined by the victim(BS),and WS can not do anything about it.At this point,all WS has is the hope.If given second chance,and of course ,if WS accepts the second chance it is up to him/her to do all hard work to repair all the damage inflicted on the victims(BS,children).

It is obvious ,that healing of the victims(BS,children)is at expense of WS,but it is not an intentional revenge

Can it be interpreted as a revenge?Yes.

Is all this is unfair,cruel,ruthless? Yes,but rightfully so.

Just in case,if you ask me,why would WS accept the second chance if given one?

Well,because there is no a new honest start for a cheater

To start new relationship WS has few choices

Admit cheating and be seen as the cheater .Yes

Lying about cheating and start a new relationship based on the lie

Start,a new life with AP and be condemned by most people who once love him/her.Add to it hatred of AP children....certainly not a nice place to be.

After the exposure,it is always comes to one simple word......cheater

 

 

I personally know 3 instances where after outed, the WS were divorced & married their AP.

 

Maybe that's how you feel & that's fine but you don't speak for everyone. Why do you care what the corner shop keeper thinks anyways?

 

IMO, following that logic, you should just invite the world into every aspect of your marriage. A WS invited a unwanted person into BS life but to counter act that you think that it's good to invite the rest of the world in? & that will make BS feel like less than a victim?

 

Hopefully you follow your same advice & tell all strangers every wrong thing you've ever done.

[Whoknew30]

And I disagree with this....

 

WS is irrelevant in a total exposure

 

Total exposure(expose everywhere to everyone,the corner shop included) is about control and power the righteous one uses in order to regain his/he life

 

Total exposure does not have anything to do with the reconciliation.

 

Total exposure will certainly "kill the affair", once WS has to face the victims(BS,children,OBS,OBS children),parents,in laws,coworkers ,neighbours and the lady from the corner shop.All this will affect (hurt) WS immensely,but it is just the consequence of his/her actions.To hurt WS intentionally is not primary objective of victim(BS)

Total exposure is most important tool in the process of healing the victim/s(BS,children),as it helps to overcame the feelings of victimhood For example.The affair sex life of WS ,as a consequence cause BS to have the feeling of inadequacy .Keeping this feeling for himself/herself will trigger the shame in the victim(BS). The shame will cause the loss of the fate in the people,as the victim(BS) will think ,that people perceive him/her as inadequate person .In the order to hide the shame ,the victim(BS) will expose himself/herself to the gilt of not living authentic .honest life without hypocrisy. Total exposure eliminate all this. Victim(BS),exposing WS,gain the confidence,refuses to be victim.shakes off the feelings of victimhood ,does not accept the same of WS,and does not gilt trap himself/herself.

So,by fully exposing WS,the victim(BS) will regain the full control of his/her life.Once in the control of his/her life,the victim(BS)will have all the power in the present relationship.The future relationship will be determined by the victim(BS),and WS can not do anything about it.At this point,all WS has is the hope.If given second chance,and of course ,if WS accepts the second chance it is up to him/her to do all hard work to repair all the damage inflicted on the victims(BS,children).

It is obvious ,that healing of the victims(BS,children)is at expense of WS,but it is not an intentional revenge

Can it be interpreted as a revenge?Yes.

Is all this is unfair,cruel,ruthless? Yes,but rightfully so.

Just in case,if you ask me,why would WS accept the second chance if given one?

Well,because there is no a new honest start for a cheater

To start new relationship WS has few choices

Admit cheating and be seen as the cheater .Yes

Lying about cheating and start a new relationship based on the lie

Start,a new life with AP and be condemned by most people who once love him/her.Add to it hatred of AP children....certainly not a nice place to be.

After the exposure,it is always comes to one simple word......cheater

 

 

In reading this again I have to say (by the way you explained it) being mean, cruel & getting pay back is how the BS regains power. IMO, that sounds like a person that shouldn't be married to begin with. I understand some BS do things out of emotion which is understandable but to actually say being ruthless is the way to restart R is the most counter productive statement I ever heard.

 

Also why do you keep talking about the kids? When I had A, I did it to my H not my child. Kids have no part in adult problems & if the BS brings them into that problem, that doesn't sound like a very good parent to me. People can be a lousy spouse but a good parent. Maybe the WS doesn't love the BS anymore & handled it wrong but that doesn't mean they don't love their kids. A BS bitterness shouldn't affect their kids...ever.

[road]

In reading this again I have to say (by the way you explained it) being mean, cruel & getting pay back is how the BS regains power. IMO, that sounds like a person that shouldn't be married to begin with. I understand some BS do things out of emotion which is understandable but to actually say being ruthless is the way to restart R is the most counter productive statement I ever heard.

 

Also why do you keep talking about the kids? When I had A, I did it to my H not my child. Kids have no part in adult problems & if the BS brings them into that problem, that doesn't sound like a very good parent to me. People can be a lousy spouse but a good parent. Maybe the WS doesn't love the BS anymore & handled it wrong but that doesn't mean they don't love their kids. A BS bitterness shouldn't affect their kids...ever.

 

 

Exposure is not about power. The marriage suffering from an affair does effect the kids. Unfortunately kids grow up to be cheaters because they saw that their mom or dad cheated. The saw no exposure and saw there is no consequences for cheating.

 

 

Yes do not expose and teach the kids the wrong lesson or expose the kids the right way to live life and have a marriage and break the cycle of affairs happening in the family.

[Whoknew30]

Exposure is not about power. The marriage suffering from an affair does effect the kids. Unfortunately kids grow up to be cheaters because they saw that their mom or dad cheated. The saw no exposure and saw there is no consequences for cheating.

 

 

Yes do not expose and teach the kids the wrong lesson or expose the kids the right way to live life and have a marriage and break the cycle of affairs happening in the family.

 

First, I know a lot of people that cheated when their parents didn't.

 

If kids should know so much, have you sat down & talked about your sex life with them? Maybe WS cheated bc their BS didn't have sex with them, id hope they would include that in exposure.

 

I'll tell you what I learned from watching family members have A. I learned that I'd never allow someone else to ever be in charge of my worth (even my H) or ever grow to be jaded & hold on to things & use the excuse I was cheated on so I can be bitter for a long time...all the BS is doing is hurting themselves, not the WS. Yes, I saw consequences & exposure but I saw the ugliness it created in the BS & how it took focus off the the problems in the marriage that helped create an A to begin with & that got me more than anything...& now that BS was cheated on they are all of sudden a Saint & no matter what their problems in the marriage were, none of that mattered bc they had been cheated on...that becomes their only focus instead of true R, which is getting to all of the problems not the just cheating itself. Cheating is always a symptom of a bigger problem. Wether it's the marriage is broken or just the WS (which includes sex addiction) the A is the tip of the iceberg in what the problem actually is.

 

I didn't cheat bc I didn't see consequences or exposer. I cheated bc there was big problems in my marriage. I can't & wont blame my parents as an adult.

[MJJean]

I only slept with one married guy as far as I know. It was during my first marriage and he was my friends husband.

 

Long story short-ish, we grew up together and they were high school sweethearts. They got married. There were multiple affairs. We lost touch during a time when their marriage was extremely rocky. He came to see me months later and said that they'd split up. I took him at his word. We hung out a while, had a few drinks, ended up having sex, and the next day I get in touch with his wife and I find out that they weren't split up at all.

 

So, I told her what happened and sincerely apologized.

 

They ended up divorcing a few years later. I got to serve him the divorce papers. I'm still close friends with her. I haven't talked to him in years other than hello and goodbye when I occasionally run into him at their shared kids band concerts and baseball games.

 

Yes, I also told my exH. The "marriage" was a sham from beginning to end. He cheated. I cheated. We stayed married because we had kids. I didn't hide my affairs from him. I just went about my life and if he asked, I answered honestly.

[NewLeaf512]

And I disagree with this....

 

WS is irrelevant in a total exposure

 

Total exposure(expose everywhere to everyone,the corner shop included) is about control and power the righteous one uses in order to regain his/he life

 

Total exposure does not have anything to do with the reconciliation.

 

Total exposure will certainly "kill the affair", once WS has to face the victims(BS,children,OBS,OBS children),parents,in laws,coworkers ,neighbours and the lady from the corner shop.All this will affect (hurt) WS immensely,but it is just the consequence of his/her actions.To hurt WS intentionally is not primary objective of victim(BS)

Total exposure is most important tool in the process of healing the victim/s(BS,children),as it helps to overcame the feelings of victimhood For example.The affair sex life of WS ,as a consequence cause BS to have the feeling of inadequacy .Keeping this feeling for himself/herself will trigger the shame in the victim(BS). The shame will cause the loss of the fate in the people,as the victim(BS) will think ,that people perceive him/her as inadequate person .In the order to hide the shame ,the victim(BS) will expose himself/herself to the gilt of not living authentic .honest life without hypocrisy. Total exposure eliminate all this. Victim(BS),exposing WS,gain the confidence,refuses to be victim.shakes off the feelings of victimhood ,does not accept the same of WS,and does not gilt trap himself/herself.

So,by fully exposing WS,the victim(BS) will regain the full control of his/her life.Once in the control of his/her life,the victim(BS)will have all the power in the present relationship.The future relationship will be determined by the victim(BS),and WS can not do anything about it.At this point,all WS has is the hope.If given second chance,and of course ,if WS accepts the second chance it is up to him/her to do all hard work to repair all the damage inflicted on the victims(BS,children).

It is obvious ,that healing of the victims(BS,children)is at expense of WS,but it is not an intentional revenge

Can it be interpreted as a revenge?Yes.

Is all this is unfair,cruel,ruthless? Yes,but rightfully so.

Just in case,if you ask me,why would WS accept the second chance if given one?

Well,because there is no a new honest start for a cheater

To start new relationship WS has few choices

Admit cheating and be seen as the cheater .Yes

Lying about cheating and start a new relationship based on the lie

Start,a new life with AP and be condemned by most people who once love him/her.Add to it hatred of AP children....certainly not a nice place to be.

After the exposure,it is always comes to one simple word......cheater

 

This black and white thinking, especially using the word righteous almost in a Biblical sense frightens me. A BS is a human being just like any other.

 

When my H got another woman P, he exposed himself, so I didn't have to do anything and I wouldn't have.

 

If I decided to D him, which I did, it was my choice. It hurt like he'l! but no one ever died from divorce.

 

If I'd decided to try and R I would have branded him a "cheater" for life and he would have led a marginalised life in front of our friends and family. Giving my H the virtual "snip" and castrating him socially would have done nothing for me. Being the W of a man who "stepped out on me" would have been even worse for my self-esteem. I needed to focus everything on me and my marriage. Blowing up my WH AP wasn't going to make mine better.

 

To answer OP: my idiotic stab at threatening exposure to my ExMM and his BS was extremely catastrophic and I didn't suffer worse than any other way in which it could have exploded but it hurt his BW more and because he intercepted it she also probably has no idea what the truth is. I can say what I want now but I was being selfish and thought of no one but me. I wanted to stop us living a lie and force him to confess. His marriage was for him to deal with. What I know now : That's none of my business.

[katielee]

I suppose we could debate this til the cows come home. Has anyone's stance on informing the Other BS changed because of this? Nope, just like facebook political or philosophical discussions.

It's what makes the word go around - how we all think differently! Merry Christmas everyone!!

[Whoknew30]

I suppose we could debate this til the cows come home. Has anyone's stance on informing the Other BS changed because of this? Nope, just like facebook political or philosophical discussions.

It's what makes the word go around - how we all think differently! Merry Christmas everyone!!

 

My personal intention was to hear other's views & explain mine if asked...never to change anyone's mind.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Merry Christmas

[Susmay]

When I had my DDay, my H told me he was going to call OM's long term gf, after our first MC session I asked if he did, he said no bc he wanted OM to be away from us & he felt that if OM & gf broke up, that OM would chase after me. He just wanted him out of our lives.

 

So I'm curious, is there anyone that wanted to R but the OM or OW chased after your WS even more after A had been outed?

 

My personal intention was to hear other's views & explain mine if asked...never to change anyone's mind.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Merry Christmas

 

So why did you even bother to ask the question originally? It doesn't look as though it was to find out what anyone else thought or did, rather just to give us your views, whether or not you were asked, and seemingly to criticise anyone who didn't agree with you. Certainly it seems nobody's answer was going to get you to change your mind.

 

For the record I would have contacted the OW's BH if I could have, but he had just died so it wasn't possible. I did however contact his grieving parents who had their poor opinions of their daughter-in-law confirmed and also the other MM (and his BW) that she'd been having an A with, who had been stupid enough to leave his own BW and family for her once she became a widow.

[uneek74]

For the record I would have contacted the OW's BH if I could have, but he had just died so it wasn't possible. I did however contact his grieving parents who had their poor opinions of their daughter-in-law confirmed and also the other MM (and his BW) that she'd been having an A with, who had been stupid enough to leave his own BW and family for her once she became a widow.

 

^^^^^ This makes me shake my head in amazement. What did you have to gain from telling the parents of the man something they already suspected. You acted in my opinion with a lack of empathy. Exposure is one thing, but what you did borders on desperation and revenge.

 

• 
  

[Susmay]

For the record I would have contacted the OW's BH if I could have, but he had just died so it wasn't possible. I did however contact his grieving parents who had their poor opinions of their daughter-in-law confirmed and also the other MM (and his BW) that she'd been having an A with, who had been stupid enough to leave his own BW and family for her once she became a widow.

 

^^^^^ This makes me shake my head in amazement. What did you have to gain from telling the parents of the man something they already suspected. You acted in my opinion with a lack of empathy. Exposure is one thing, but what you did borders on desperation and revenge.

 

• 
  

 

Yep; I was a desperate and totally devastated BW, who's life was falling down around me, in enormous pain as were my children. I also wanted revenge on the OW. Your reaction above, to what I did totally lacks empathy and any understanding of what a BS goes through. Also what about empathy for grandparents who are helping raise a child who may have been falsely passed of as their grandson?

 

I felt very sorry for the dead BH's parents, but by the time I told them, their daughter in law was already with the other MM. Imagine how they already felt!

 

Their son had died saving his cheating wife's life, and the life of the boy who they believed to be their grandchild (who actually may be my WH's son) and then another BW (me!) tells them this same daughter-in-law had also had an A with a different guy (my H) and that their grandson may not even be their biological grandson. Should this news have been kept from them forever in your opinion? There was never going to be a right time to tell them, and I did wait until a year after their son died.

Edited December 25, 2015 by Susmay

[uneek74]

Yep; I was a desperate and totally devastated BW, who's life was falling down around me, in enormous pain as were my children. I also wanted revenge on the OW. Your reaction above, to what I did totally lacks empathy and any understanding of what a BS goes through.

 

 

How can Lack empathy for information that I wasn't privy to0. I don't know your story and what occurred. You posted what you had done, without as much as an explanation about what happened in your case. I acknowledge your pain and what your children had to endure.

 

 

This is why sometimes we must not be so quick to react when angry and hurt.

[NewLeaf512]

This black and white thinking, especially using the word righteous almost in a Biblical sense frightens me. A BS is a human being just like any other.

 

When my H got another woman P, he exposed himself, so I didn't have to do anything and I wouldn't have.

 

If I decided to D him, which I did, it was my choice. It hurt like he'l! but no one ever died from divorce.

 

If I'd decided to try and R I would have branded him a "cheater" for life and he would have led a marginalised life in front of our friends and family. Giving my H the virtual "snip" and castrating him socially would have done nothing for me. Being the W of a man who "stepped out on me" would have been even worse for my self-esteem. I needed to focus everything on me and my marriage. Blowing up my WH AP wasn't going to make mine better.

 

To answer OP: my idiotic stab at threatening exposure to my ExMM and his BS was extremely catastrophic and I didn't suffer worse than any other way in which it could have exploded but it hurt his BW more and because he intercepted it she also probably has no idea what the truth is. I can say what I want now but I was being selfish and thought of no one but me. I wanted to stop us living a lie and force him to confess. His marriage was for him to deal with. What I know now : That's none of my business.

 

 

I should add here because it reads like I was going to R with my WDH that I never was. Once there was a baby for me it was over. He so went out of his mind with all that he had done and the fact he couldn't get me back that he ended things in a catastrophic tragedy. Cheating is a disaster, divorce horrific but mostly survivable. Guilt and cheating and humiliation and some mental issues were a bonfire and my refusal to R (which my WDH thought would be the magic potion to erase his shame) became the match which set off a murder suicide.

 

In as much as there is commonality here, there are also many stories with real life people behind them. My opinions are only my own.

[Susmay]

Yep; I was a desperate and totally devastated BW, who's life was falling down around me, in enormous pain as were my children. I also wanted revenge on the OW. Your reaction above, to what I did totally lacks empathy and any understanding of what a BS goes through.

 

 

How can Lack empathy for information that I wasn't privy to0. I don't know your story and what occurred. You posted what you had done, without as much as an explanation about what happened in your case. I acknowledge your pain and what your children had to endure.

 

 

This is why sometimes we must not be so quick to react when angry and hurt.

 

Exactly, and people should not be so quick to judge without knowing...

 

There is always more to the story...

[oldshirt]

i truly believe many relationships and marriages (in reconciliation) would have been healthier if they took at least a year off; living separately.

 

a lot of WS out there who are forever carrying a torch for their AP as a result of the "forbidden" component -- you break that once you allow them to fully develop the relationship out in the open. if they work out - it's done. if not -- the WS doesn't have to go back to the marriage but if they do... it's a lot more healthier than many other marriages who rely on "let's keep an eye on the WS" method.

 

besides - affairs already ARE fully developed relationships & at that moment; you already are taking a break from your marriage and your spouse.

 

 

I disagree on pretty much all counts.

 

 

I believe the only place for a separation is in the heat of the moment when the pots and pans are flying and things are being said or may potentially be said that can't be taken back. In those instances a couple days in a motel or friend/relatives house to let the dust settle and to let things calm down and for cooler heads to prevail is ok.

 

 

Other than that, people are either in the marriage or they are out. There is no place for a time out to play house with someone else to see if they are going to work out or not.

 

 

If my spouse wants to take up with someone else, that is her prerogative and her right as an adult in a free society. That doesn't mean I should step aside and wait a year to see if she is going to choose him or choose me and I am especially not going to spend a year of my life waiting to see if their R works out.

 

 

Funk that. If their R doesn't work out, why on God's Green Earth should I give any kind of whoop ti do and why should I take her back and put myself in a default position of being her safety net and fall back guy.

 

 

I really can't think of anything much more humiliating, emasculating or pathetic.

 

 

Wait a year to see if she wants to come back or not my azz. If she leaves on a Monday night, my new life begins Tuesday morning. That gives me a night to cry into my pillow. By the next day I'm living my life for me. I ain't taken no day, no week, no month and especially no frick'n year to see what she wants to do and see what her mood is in a year. No way Jose.

 

Besides, most affairs are not developed relationships at all. They are stepping into a fun-filled, fantasy world of extra fun and excitement with none of the work or responsibilities.

[road]

For the record I would have contacted the OW's BH if I could have, but he had just died so it wasn't possible. I did however contact his grieving parents who had their poor opinions of their daughter-in-law confirmed and also the other MM (and his BW) that she'd been having an A with, who had been stupid enough to leave his own BW and family for her once she became a widow.

 

^^^^^ This makes me shake my head in amazement. What did you have to gain from telling the parents of the man something they already suspected. You acted in my opinion with a lack of empathy. Exposure is one thing, but what you did borders on desperation and revenge.

 

 

 

So that those parents can protect themselves from that cancerous DIL out of their lives.

[eleanorrigby]

I disclosed the affair to the OW's mother. OW was quite angry with me for invading her life like that.

 

Everything from those days felt like it was blowing up in my face, things I wish I had not done,said, people I wish I had not told. But I never regretted talking to her mom that day.