Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 yeah, people are different.. I feel I owe it to every other human being to have their backs... this is one thing that became one of my values after I cheated and worked on myself. Yeah, I feel it's like me calling another parent, i feel it's tattling on your WS to another S. I don't put my nose in other's problems, not unless I'm close to them & they ask me. In that situation I have my own. My problems come before anyone else's...my family, my kids. Everything else is a distraction from that when it comes to A drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I'm curious why you confessed? Did you want out and thought that'd be the best way to do it? Why not just break it off with your OM and go back to your H without telling him? No judgment here, I really want to know your thinking behind telling your H. As I see it, all that would do is hurt your H and get you potentially divorced, unless that was what you wanted? I did it for shock value a little. At that point in my life, either I wanted to fix it or I did want a divorce. Nothing I was doing or my talks were working & by telling him, he had no choice but to face we really have problems. If I had not confessed, nothing would have changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Most OM' s are banging MW because it's quick, cheap, easy, NSA poon. If you do anything that makes it uncomfortable for them or makes it cost them anything, 90% are going to exit stage left as fast as they can. If they have a spouse or steady GF, the vast vast majority are going to throw the WW under bus and go into damage control mode with their primary partner. It's rare that they will immediately break up up after OBW is notified. It will be rarer still that the OM will come full force after WW. It is a possibility but statistically speaking the odds are tremendously in favor of the OM running for the hills. Interesting and sadly enough this is true. But I think it's also true for a WW who's looking for something out of the humdrum of her marriage. I personally would never (again) be the OW to a MM, or have a OM who's single. It's just cleaner and easier for everyone involved if both waywards had spouses/significant others. Sounds cold, but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I did it for shock value a little. At that point in my life, either I wanted to fix it or I did want a divorce. Nothing I was doing or my talks were working & by telling him, he had no choice but to face we really have problems. If I had not confessed, nothing would have changed. Thanks for sharing that and being honest, it helps. That's sort of where I am right now. I'm at the point where I want to end it with my OM as it's getting tedious. And I want to stay with my H, but I don't want to go back to things as normal. I thought about telling him so many times. Honestly I think he sort of knows (he's seen some messages, as I've said, and now I'm starting to take unexplained absences) but it's like he's waiting to hear me say it. And a huge part of me wants to say it. I really don't think he'll leave me.... but I wonder if that will spark him to change and see what I need from him? Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I'm sure your tune would be pretty different if someone had information and withheld it from you. I'm with Whoknew. If my husband was cheating on me, and I didn't know, I wouldn't want to know. Period. If I got an STD and I know I wasn't the one cheating, then obviously he is and then I'd know. And why any cheating spouse wouldn't use a condom is beyond me. I don't care how long you've been with your OM/OW use a freaking condom. If they're sleeping with you, who's to say they're not sleeping with someone else. Or that their spouse isn't also cheating. Protect yourself is the number one rule. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Thanks for sharing that and being honest, it helps. That's sort of where I am right now. I'm at the point where I want to end it with my OM as it's getting tedious. And I want to stay with my H, but I don't want to go back to things as normal. I thought about telling him so many times. Honestly I think he sort of knows (he's seen some messages, as I've said, and now I'm starting to take unexplained absences) but it's like he's waiting to hear me say it. And a huge part of me wants to say it. I really don't think he'll leave me.... but I wonder if that will spark him to change and see what I need from him? Everyone's situation is different...for us it worked. I don't know your husband, so I don't know what he'd do. If you want to end with OM, then you should, I know that feeling when it stops becoming fun & it gets emotional. That's the best time to end before it gets any worse emotionally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 No, i work on thinking about every aspect, the real assumption is to automatically think there is no mental illness. You should do a little homework on someone before you call them to change their life or you're making that call on pure emotion, which is never good...BTW...I have seen plenty of abuse, that's why they ask questions like this is therapy bc you just don't know. Just wondering......should you not do a little homework before have an affair with someone who is married/or in a relationship as who knows they or their partner could have a mental illness. Goodness knows what can happen eh *sarcasm" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) Just wondering......should you not do a little homework before have an affair with someone who is married/or in a relationship as who knows they or their partner could have a mental illness. Goodness knows what can happen eh *sarcasm" I did homework on the OM, I didn't want that kind of drama, so that's why I didn't pick a guy that wasn't married & I wasn't going to sleep with a crazy person. I met him & then I found out who he was. He wasn't living with gf or did they have any connections together. So i knew I really wouldn't have that problem. If people are going to have A, they should look into that. Edited December 23, 2015 by Whoknew30 Spell check Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 If you do homework before you have an affair... Wouldn't that be planning to have an affair? In my case I was not looking to have an affair... It so happened that he was single... I guess some people do plan on it.. But others don't 6 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I did homework on the OM, I didn't want that kind of drama, If people are going to have A, they should look into that. that's what people should be looking at if they have an affair? Really? wow. how about some self examination? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I did homework on the OM, I didn't want that kind of drama, so that's why I didn't pick a guy that wasn't married & I wasn't going to sleep with a crazy person. I met him & then I found out who he was. He wasn't living with gf or did they have any connections together. So i knew I really wouldn't have that problem. If people are going to have A, they should look into that. LOL Was going to write about this but just saw your other message about couldn't care less. Obviously, you have some very serious issues. I wish you well 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 that's what people should be looking at if they have an affair? Really? wow. how about some self examination? I met him & we had a emotional A for months before I could sleep with him bc as much as I really liked him, I had to see if he was crazy. I didn't plan on meeting him & liking him so much but I also can't sleep with someone I don't know anything about. So I didn't plan, I just couldn't pull The trigger until I know he wasn't some crazy guy that would pull anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I told the other man's wife. There were no repurcussions and I have no regrets. For quite some time, I felt it was the best decision I had made throughout the entire process. Looking back, it had a negligible effect on the end game for my marriage. But it was a step in the right direction for me, personally, when I was beginning to lose myself in the trauma. I believe betrayed spouses deserve the opportunity to make an informed decision about such a critical part of their lives. And I believe that it gives them an opportunity to avoid a potentially fatal STD. I also believe it demonstrates a certain strength of character on my part. I consider it to be common decency, and sadly less common than I originally thought. How? Yes you can make an informed decision once you know you wife is cheating, to leave her or not. But how is telling the OM'sW going to stop you from getting an STD? It seems to me that the only reason you told is to make him pay for being with your W, and that's okay. But just own it. Don't make it sound like you had some higher purpose to take the "high road" and help his BW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 LOL Was going to write about this but just saw your other message about couldn't care less. Obviously, you have some very serious issues. I wish you well Why bc I'm honest. Most will say anything to pacify, BS or other BS. I'm not going to & ive noticed that if you say what a BS doesn't agree with, the other person has "issues" yet most are on this forum bc their's something of in their life. If one was perfect they wouldn't be on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Pure baloney. Telling the OMW is not going to cause a BH start a fight. Now if the OM throws the first punch, no BH is going to wind up in jail. Says you. There's a song that has the lyrics that goes "why blow up my spot so we both get caught". Your logic is coming from a place of pure revenge. If I love my OM and I decide to tell my H about the A, no way would I want my H to contact my OMW and tell her. All that is doing is hurting FOUR people rather than two. It was MY choice to cheat on my H. Mine. My OM obliged me and gave me what I couldn't get from my H. Why would I want him hurt. If my H then told his W, he has every reason to be pissed! And a fight could ensue. When dealing with matters of the heart, nothing is logical and as the OP said, there is no decency in affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) Yes I'm a BS from well over 10yrs ago. You are a BS of more recent? And you had an affair previously. Yes you are being honest (so you claim) but what would worry me more than anything is that you seem to believe that your marriage is normal? Its ok you had an affair and its ok your husband has more recently? And I noticed you are under the false illusion that your friends and family do not think badly of you or your husband apart from the odd word. I'll tell you something, you are very naive in that department. What they say behind your back is another matter. Just like you did to your husband and he did to you. You wouldn't know honesty if it hit you in the head imo Edited December 23, 2015 by LifesontheUp 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 that's what people should be looking at if they have an affair? Really? wow. how about some self examination? I did self examination in therapy. You continue to say how about STD's, how about having sex with a nutcase? So it's better to just jump in bed with someone you know absolutely nothing about? There isn't anything righteous in cheating, & there isn't a "better way". Figuring out someone isn't crazy is no better or worse than dropping your pants with a complete stranger. I wasn't aware there were "proper" ways to cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 it's best not to jump in bed with another married person AT ALL! Best to maybe divorce or get into IC first - THAT should be the homework one does when contemplating an affair. Main question: what is giving you the green light to go ahead with this? How are you giving yourself permission? Not, gee, i wonder if the guy I'm going to sleep with is sane... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I did self examination in therapy. You continue to say how about STD's, how about having sex with a nutcase? So it's better to just jump in bed with someone you know absolutely nothing about? There isn't anything righteous in cheating, & there isn't a "better way". Figuring out someone isn't crazy is no better or worse than dropping your pants with a complete stranger. I wasn't aware there were "proper" ways to cheat. So you have an open marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Just wondering......should you not do a little homework before have an affair with someone who is married/or in a relationship as who knows they or their partner could have a mental illness. Goodness knows what can happen eh *sarcasm" Do research? That implies specifically going out to look for an affair. In my mind, most affairs evolve over time. I didn't wake up and go, Oh I think I'll cheat on my husband today, and then start taking resume's for a potential AP. Granted I was open to the idea, and maybe even self-consciously wanting an A, so when a logical AP appeared I let it grow into what it is. There have been others who I could have slept with, but none that was right for me. Again, though, it's not like I put an ad out in the paper (though I guess some people do). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Yes I'm a BS from well over 10yrs ago. You are a BS of more recent? And you had an affair previously. Yes you are being honest (so you claim) but what would worry me more than anything is that you seem to believe that your marriage is normal? Its ok you had an affair and its ok your husband has more recently? And I noticed you are under the false illusion that your friends and family do not think badly of you or your husband apart from the odd word. I'll tell you something, you are very naive in that department. What they say behind your back is another matter. Just like you did to your husband and he did to you. You wouldn't know honesty if it hit you in the head imo No, this is from 6 years ago & my family & friends love my husband. There are absolutely no lies between my family & friends. I've known these girls since 7 years old & we've all been through every life happening together. We're not just friends we're family. Even our families all (each & everyone one of ours, parents, spouses, siblings & kids) come together for parties & holidays. & no one thinks badly of anyone. in fact when we talked about divorce my family & friends were against it, we've been together since highschool...no one that's loves us wants us to be apart. Including my parents that know everything. My group don't lie to each other to save face, it's 100% truth even if it's hurts exam other's feelings. Maybe that happened to you & I'm sorry your love ones would talk behind your back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) it's best not to jump in bed with another married person AT ALL! Best to maybe divorce or get into IC first - THAT should be the homework one does when contemplating an affair. Main question: what is giving you the green light to go ahead with this? How are you giving yourself permission? Not, gee, i wonder if the guy I'm going to sleep with is sane... Maybe you should have followed your own advice. It's too late to go back, I did what I did & nothing I do now will change that. I don't care how sorry I am, thatts what I did. Could have, should have, shouldn't have...doesn't mean anything if you already did. You come to peace & move on. That's it. You & I seem to be different. I know what I did, I know nothing I do will ever erase it & im now at peace with it. Maybe your not a peace with what you did but I am. That's how I moved on & that's how my marriage is ok. It worked out better for us post A. So I'm can't complain. Edited December 23, 2015 by Whoknew30 Spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Do research? That implies specifically going out to look for an affair. Perhaps you should go back and re read the posts. It was sarcasm to what was stated by the original poster. In my mind, most affairs evolve over time. I didn't wake up and go, Oh I think I'll cheat on my husband today, and then start taking resume's for a potential AP. Granted I was open to the idea, and maybe even self-consciously wanting an A, so when a logical AP appeared I let it grow into what it is. There have been others who I could have slept with, but none that was right for me. Again, though, it's not like I put an ad out in the paper (though I guess some people do). So there you go, you were looking for an affair. It didn't just happen you set out to look for one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 No, this is from 6 years ago & my family & friends love my husband. There are absolutely no lies between my family & friends. I've known these girls since 7 years old & we've all been through every life happening together. We're not just friends we're family. Even our families all (each & everyone one of ours, parents, spouses, siblings & kids) come together for parties & holidays. & no one thinks badly of anyone. in fact when we talked about divorce my family & friends were against it, we've been together since highschool...no one that's loves us wants us to be apart. Including my parents that know everything. My group don't lie to each other to save face, it's 100% truth even if it's hurts exam other's feelings. Maybe that happened to you & I'm sorry your love ones would talk behind your back. Didn't happen to me, but to a close friend. Again you are very naive and you have NO IDEA what is said behind your back. So I'll ask again. Are you in an open marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Didn't happen to me, but to a close friend. Again you are very naive and you have NO IDEA what is said behind your back. So I'll ask again. Are you in an open marriage? You're assuming you know my friends & I. You don't. If they have something to say it will be said to each other's face even if we fight about it or hurt each other's feelings. I'm not naive, we've been like that since kids. We even told other when we found out we were pregnant before our own husband's. No & that's why I confessed. I didn't want to live that way. I was either getting divorced or fixing it. We decided to fix it & 6 years later we're fine. No one has a "normal" marriage. Every marriage is unique. Link to post Share on other sites
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