BS, did telling the OM/OW BS blow up in your face?

[Whoknew30]

LOL

 

I'm here sometimes because at my times of need I had people on forums such as these that helped me. I pay it back these days to others in need.

 

Yes people own up, but then there are people that say they don't care about others. And to me that shows the same old selfish thinking has NOT gone away.

 

& I think selfish thinking is one taking upon themselves to know what's best for other's without asking them? Just because someone is a BS doesn't mean ALL other BS's think like yourself. IMO, that's seems a little narcissistic, for one to think they know what's good for other's.

 

Now I know if a person was cheated on, they now know what's good for everyone & how all other BS feels.

[Brandyundercover45]

Ok see here is where I differ (just me I'm not saying across the board). My WH does not face his mess he just likes to make one. I don't see telling the OBS as being hateful or wrong in fact I feel for them because like me, were kept in the dark. I'm about things being out in the open, not in secret regardless of how my WH feels about it as it is not my concern.

Yes, and I'd be pissed if my spouse cheated and didn't own up to it and the reasons he did it. In that instance, personally, I would leave him. Because if you don't take ownership of your choices, then it's still "someone else's" problem and what's stopping them from repeating that cycle? But your telling the other BS does what? Makes you feel better? Guarantees that your H won't see that particular OW again? But if he's not taking ownership then it may not be "that" OW he cheats with but may get a new OW. Do you see the problem? You are still being made accountable for HIS actions. And now you also have to brunt the responsibility of making sure his OWH is okay. That's crazy. And I know it doesn't sound like it, I'm really not a "every man for himself" person. I'm not. But we're talking affairs here, they're sorted in and of themselves. Telling the BS something that he/she may not even want to know doesn't do anything for that BS. Maybe they're happy living in ignorance? Maybe the know and haven't been forced to face it because they don't want to face it? So you it's your job to force them to face it? The thing is, you just don't know what that BS is feeling. You are doing all the feeling and thinking for them... the same as we waywards are accused of doing.

[LifesontheUp]

& I think selfish thinking is one taking upon themselves to know what's best for other's without asking them? Just because someone is a BS doesn't mean ALL other BS's think like yourself. IMO, that's seems a little narcissistic, for one to think they know what's good for other's.

 

Now I know if a person was cheated on, they now know what's good for everyone & how all other BS feels.

 

You clearly haven't learnt a thing as you obviously have no empathy for who you hurt or betray.

 

I wish you luck as I clearly hit a nerve

[Whoknew30]

Yes, and I'd be pissed if my spouse cheated and didn't own up to it and the reasons he did it. In that instance, personally, I would leave him. Because if you don't take ownership of your choices, then it's still "someone else's" problem and what's stopping them from repeating that cycle? But your telling the other BS does what? Makes you feel better? Guarantees that your H won't see that particular OW again? But if he's not taking ownership then it may not be "that" OW he cheats with but may get a new OW. Do you see the problem? You are still being made accountable for HIS actions. And now you also have to brunt the responsibility of making sure his OWH is okay. That's crazy. And I know it doesn't sound like it, I'm really not a "every man for himself" person. I'm not. But we're talking affairs here, they're sorted in and of themselves. Telling the BS something that he/she may not even want to know doesn't do anything for that BS. Maybe they're happy living in ignorance? Maybe the know and haven't been forced to face it because they don't want to face it? So you it's your job to force them to face it? The thing is, you just don't know what that BS is feeling. You are doing all the feeling and thinking for them... the same as we waywards are accused of doing.

 

Exactly! How many phone calls is one to make if WS keeps doing it. At what point do you focus on why you're staying vs putting your focus on another BS. You'd think the BS you should be focused on is yourself & why you're dealing with a person that never takes responsibility.

[minimariah]

That's just wrong and hateful on my part. Why ruin her marriage because he and I got into a mess?

 

noap.

 

the BS's marriage is already ruined -- by telling the BS about the affair; you will only make that process of everything coming to light a little faster.

 

the other BS wanting to tell the truth usually doesn't come from the place of wanting to see someone else hurt at all - it comes from the place of knowing that pain and the devastation of being blindsided & wanting to allow that other BS to make informed decision about their lives. you want to help them to be better prepared for the blow, you want to NOT let them be in the dark anymore. why? because the affair affects people in some very real way - health, emotions + FINANCE. so in case the BS is being exposed to some real STDs, in case they are being lied to and making fun of, in case they are being STOLEN FROM - you want to let them now.

 

every situation is different and if the WS's spouse is violent and you know this, for example - you won't tell them. it depends on the details of the situation so when you're informed about it - you can make the decision.

 

telling the other BS literally sometimes saved their life - trust me on this. so it's not stupid and it definitely doesn't have to be life ruiner - on the contrary.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, and I'd be pissed if my spouse cheated and didn't own up to it and the reasons he did it. In that instance, personally, I would leave him. Because if you don't take ownership of your choices, then it's still "someone else's" problem and what's stopping them from repeating that cycle? But your telling the other BS does what? Makes you feel better? Guarantees that your H won't see that particular OW again? But if he's not taking ownership then it may not be "that" OW he cheats with but may get a new OW. Do you see the problem? You are still being made accountable for HIS actions. And now you also have to brunt the responsibility of making sure his OWH is okay. That's crazy. And I know it doesn't sound like it, I'm really not a "every man for himself" person. I'm not. But we're talking affairs here, they're sorted in and of themselves. Telling the BS something that he/she may not even want to know doesn't do anything for that BS. Maybe they're happy living in ignorance? Maybe the know and haven't been forced to face it because they don't want to face it? So you it's your job to force them to face it? The thing is, you just don't know what that BS is feeling. You are doing all the feeling and thinking for them... the same as we waywards are accused of doing.

 

Nope I'm not accountable AT ALL for his actions, those are 100% on him even if he gets another OW. I'm in limbo so I am not affected anymore one way or another I am staying for reasons I still cannot figure out and will be exploring that in IC (I feel a lot of fear over D'ing and it drives me insane).

 

Again it is not my concern what WH or the MOW thinks I am only concerned about the OBS, once I knew he was informed I didn't think about nor care about how their M recovery went. I don't like secrets (ugly ones like an A) or liars so that is why I expose.

 

Personally I think telling the OBS the truth pales in comparison to actually having an A.

[Brandyundercover45]

& I think selfish thinking is one taking upon themselves to know what's best for other's without asking them? Just because someone is a BS doesn't mean ALL other BS's think like yourself. IMO, that's seems a little narcissistic, for one to think they know what's good for other's.

 

Now I know if a person was cheated on, they now know what's good for everyone & how all other BS feels.

That's what I just said. Not every BS wants to know their mate is cheating. Not every BS wants their marriage to end and be a lie, but thanks to the "caring" other BS they now have to face it. I still think a BS who tells the other BS is just looking to hurt someone - even a little. And/or to ensure the OW/OM doesn't get to be with their spouse again.

[Whoknew30]

You clearly haven't learnt a thing as you obviously have no empathy for who you hurt or betray.

 

I wish you luck as I clearly hit a nerve

 

No, I think I hit a nerve. I came clean to my H I owned it all without being caught. I knew it was wrong & never said it wasn't. You're assuming as I'm going strictly by what you've wrote. Obviously some BS stay bitter & think they know everything about everyone bc of what they went through. 6 years after my H & I are fine. I don't hold on to any negative about the situation bc we both learned from it. you're assuming I don't have empathy bc i found it more important to focus on myself & my family & threw everything else out window. I'm not jaded nor would i ever let any situation permanently keep like that.

 

You've told me I don't know my friends & family & that they must be talking about me & not like my husband, when they were not supportive of a divorce. That's a very narcissistic trait to think you know so much about people you've never met which tells me you're still very much jaded & haven't let negative feelings go. That's sad after 10 years to still think that way. Very pessimistic.

[Brandyundercover45]

Nope I'm not accountable AT ALL for his actions, those are 100% on him even if he gets another OW. I'm in limbo so I am not affected anymore one way or another I am staying for reasons I still cannot figure out and will be exploring that in IC (I feel a lot of fear over D'ing and it drives me insane).

 

Again it is not my concern what WH or the MOW thinks I am only concerned about the OBS, once I knew he was informed I didn't think about nor care about how their M recovery went. I don't like secrets (ugly ones like an A) or liars so that is why I expose.

 

Personally I think telling the OBS the truth pales in comparison to actually having an A.

Your reasons for staying are your own to deal with. No one has a right to tell you how to feel about your H's A. Only you know when you've had enough and when you have, you'll leave. I wouldn't want a D either. But it seems to me (not trying to hurt you more) that staying with a un-repentive cheater would hurt more. I would stay if he was falling over himself telling me how it's all his fault and he'd do anything to fix - so long as he is trying. But again, that's your marriage. You see? You aren't ready to let go yet... perhaps the other BS isn't either? You have no right to make that choice for someone else just like no one has a right to tell you you should leave your H.

[katielee]

. That's a very narcissistic trait to think you know so much about people you've never met

 

qft! .......

[Brandyundercover45]

noap.

 

the BS's marriage is already ruined -- by telling the BS about the affair; you will only make that process of everything coming to light a little faster.

 

the other BS wanting to tell the truth usually doesn't come from the place of wanting to see someone else hurt at all - it comes from the place of knowing that pain and the devastation of being blindsided & wanting to allow that other BS to make informed decision about their lives. you want to help them to be better prepared for the blow, you want to NOT let them be in the dark anymore. why? because the affair affects people in some very real way - health, emotions + FINANCE. so in case the BS is being exposed to some real STDs, in case they are being lied to and making fun of, in case they are being STOLEN FROM - you want to let them now.

 

every situation is different and if the WS's spouse is violent and you know this, for example - you won't tell them. it depends on the details of the situation so when you're informed about it - you can make the decision.

 

telling the other BS literally sometimes saved their life - trust me on this. so it's not stupid and it definitely doesn't have to be life ruiner - on the contrary.

I just posted a response to someone about this, I'm not ignoring you, but please read that so I don't have to type it again.

[minimariah]

on topic -- telling the other BS is a gamble... just like everything else is in life. you make a decision, you act on it & wait to see how it goes. it can go well for you (no matter what "well" means for every one of us) OR it can go terribly wrong.

 

one horrible example i know of - the wife called her husband's OW's spouse and told him about the affair. the other BS attacked the OW and she ended up in the ER with 7 broken bones, ruptured spleen and a chest stab wound... BARELY made it out alive. i was there when the first BS found out... you wouldn't believe the impact, the devastation when she realized what had happened and what did her confession cause... it was far worse than any devastation caused by cheating. so in this case, telling the other BS actually had someone else's entire life in danger.

 

i also know of examples when WS sees that as a huge EXIT SIGN & as their chance to just leave the marriages and be together - so it definitely blew in the BS's faces. and of course - there are those examples when the BS was literally saved. one OM spent years in an affair, secretly taking slowly money from the BS and their joint account and putting it on the off - shore account; he was planning to take everything she got and sell everything they owed together & run away. when told, the BS was able to take legal action ON TIME and protected herself from getting completely broke.

 

for some couples, complete exposure did play a huge part in keeping them together - it only "tied" the WS to their spouse more... with other couples - on the contrary.

 

so it can really go both ways - you take a risk and see how it ends.

[LifesontheUp]

No, I think I hit a nerve. I came clean to my H I owned it all without being caught. I knew it was wrong & never said it wasn't. You're assuming as I'm going strictly by what you've wrote. Obviously some BS stay bitter & think they know everything about everyone bc of what they went through. 6 years after my H & I are fine. I don't hold on to any negative about the situation bc we both learned from it. you're assuming I don't have empathy bc i found it more important to focus on myself & my family & threw everything else out window. I'm not jaded nor would i ever let any situation permanently keep like that.

 

You've told me I don't know my friends & family & that they must be talking about me & not like my husband, when they were not supportive of a divorce. That's a very narcissistic trait to think you know so much about people you've never met which tells me you're still very much jaded & haven't let negative feelings go. That's sad after 10 years to still think that way. Very pessimistic.

 

Not a nerve dear, but disgust. That after therapy and all those years you clearly have no empathy for the OTHER person hurt in the affair.

 

Thank you for identifying me as a narcissist lol. But narcisissts are not empathic.

 

And pessamistic now? No a realist, someone who learns from mistakes and doesn't repeat them. Also when learning, realises the results of their actions. Clearly you DO NOT learn from what you have put.

 

Like I said I wish you luck, you will need it.

[Whoknew30]

Nope I'm not accountable AT ALL for his actions, those are 100% on him even if he gets another OW. I'm in limbo so I am not affected anymore one way or another I am staying for reasons I still cannot figure out and will be exploring that in IC (I feel a lot of fear over D'ing and it drives me insane).

 

Again it is not my concern what WH or the MOW thinks I am only concerned about the OBS, once I knew he was informed I didn't think about nor care about how their M recovery went. I don't like secrets (ugly ones like an A) or liars so that is why I expose.

 

Personally I think telling the OBS the truth pales in comparison to actually having an A.

 

So you don't take any accountability for enabling him to continue to cheat on you? & you care so much about OBS that you make a phone call & never think about them again?

 

It's fine if you want to bust out your spouse & OW but own that you did it just to do it, don't pretend it came from such a noble place. If it had, you would have thought about him again. Not make a phone call & think "owe I did the right thing now forget him". That's not a statement that sounds very caring or empathetic.

[Whoknew30]

Not a nerve dear, but disgust. That after therapy and all those years you clearly have no empathy for the OTHER person hurt in the affair.

 

Thank you for identifying me as a narcissist lol. But narcisissts are not empathic.

 

And pessamistic now? No a realist, someone who learns from mistakes and doesn't repeat them. Also when learning, realises the results of their actions. Clearly you DO NOT learn from what you have put.

 

Like I said I wish you luck, you will need it.

 

When you tell someon you don't know about their family & situation & you act as you know more than them, it's extremely narcissistic. I didn't hurt anyone else in my A, he wasn't married. Maybe you should read throughly before you comment to act like you know everything. If I hadn't learned I would have had multiple A, I did not nor do will I. Our marriage is exactly where I want it to be.

 

Yes, pessimistic. "Your family & friends are talking behind your back" that's a very negative attitude. Reread your own posts. They don't read as positive, they read as "I know everything bc I was cheated on".

 

My marriage is fine, I'm honest about my past, I don't think I know what's good for the world. You sound like not only do you need luck but also some more therapy to maybe understand you don't know everything bc you were cheated on. Let it go...

[LifesontheUp]

I didn't hurt anyone else in my A, he wasn't married.

 

And you just proved my point.

 

He had a girlfriend, he was in relationship - A LONG TERM one as you stated. Nice to see that you think a girlfriend doesn't count. Nice to see your therapy has done you the world of good *sarcasm"

[Whoknew30]

qft! .......

 

I don't know this means. I'm thinking it's not good.

 

I'll only go off what someone has wrote or I'll ask a question. It is a narcissistic trait to think you know more about someone or something that you don't know or they didn't post. You're a teacher what would be the proper term for someone like that?

 

All I can think is narcissistic. If you know a better term, please share.

[ladydesigner]

Your reasons for staying are your own to deal with. No one has a right to tell you how to feel about your H's A. Only you know when you've had enough and when you have, you'll leave. I wouldn't want a D either. But it seems to me (not trying to hurt you more) that staying with a un-repentive cheater would hurt more. I would stay if he was falling over himself telling me how it's all his fault and he'd do anything to fix - so long as he is trying. But again, that's your marriage. You see? You aren't ready to let go yet... perhaps the other BS isn't either? You have no right to make that choice for someone else just like no one has a right to tell you you should leave your H.

 

Agree I agree that it has been painful to stay with an unrepentive cheater. My WH acted from the first DDay to the last DDay with MOW like he wanted to save the M. The first time around I believed my WH's words and actions were showing me he wanted our M... That is until I experienced False R. While now he does seem to own this LTA as his own, I haven't been able to move forward, which most likely we will end in D.

 

Just want to add that is to each his own what they choose whether to expose or not and I don't see anything wrong with either.

Edited December 23, 2015 by ladydesigner

[ladydesigner]

Also my False R was exposed to me by the MOW and I cannot tell you how thankful to her I am for that truth even if it was spiteful on her part.

[Whoknew30]

And you just proved my point.

 

He had a girlfriend, he was in relationship - A LONG TERM one as you stated. Nice to see that you think a girlfriend doesn't count. Nice to see your therapy has done you the world of good *sarcasm"

 

They were dating, didn't live together, no kids, no real commitment. You're not married until you're married. It's called just dating. Dating is dating & I later found out he broke up with her & quit sleeping with her while we were. He never told me that but it was bc he thought I was going to get divorced after my dday. So no, I don't feel bad. He got out of a relationship he wasn't happy with. That's ok when you're dating.

[ladydesigner]

They were dating, didn't live together, no kids, no real commitment. You're not married until you're married. It's called just dating. Dating is dating & I later found out he broke up with her & quit sleeping with her while we were. He never told me that but it was bc he thought I was going to get divorced after my dday. So no, I don't feel bad. He got out of a relationship he wasn't happy with. That's ok when you're dating.

 

One does not need to be married to have a commitment. Cheating is wrong no matter how you try to spin it.

[Whoknew30]

Also my False R was exposed to me by the MOW and I cannot tell you how thankful to her I am for that truth even if it was spiteful on her part.

 

I'm truly curious. What good came from it? You know you're h cheated again, you stayed, where is the upside for you?

[Whoknew30]

One does not need to be married to have a commitment. Cheating is wrong no matter how you try to spin it.

 

He dumped her. Their commitment wasn't that strong.

[ladydesigner]

I'm truly curious. What good came from it? You know you're h cheated again, you stayed, where is the upside for you?

 

For me it was knowing WHO I am really with as opposed to who I thought he was. Not very uplifting is it

Edited December 23, 2015 by ladydesigner

[katielee]

Quoted for Truth