BS, did telling the OM/OW BS blow up in your face?

[Whoknew30]

For me it was knowing WHO I am really with as opposed to who I thought he was. Not very uplifting is it ��

 

Hey, it's honest. If you love him, that's your business. I've said it before, anyone can divorce but not everyone can work it out. Marriage is work & some have to work harder than others but if in the end of it works, who's anyone to say anything. I see it as you're emotionally strong, maybe not smart but definitely strong. I'm emotionally strong over smart, myself. So I get it.

[Whoknew30]

For me it was knowing WHO I am really with as opposed to who I thought he was. Not very uplifting is it ��

 

Anytime A our in the picture, it's never uplifting. It wasn't ever fun for me to go through what I did but we ended up in a good place, so if bad can lead to good. It's ok, no one's life is perfect

[Mrs. John Adams]

on topic -- telling the other BS is a gamble... just like everything else is in life. you make a decision, you act on it & wait to see how it goes. it can go well for you (no matter what "well" means for every one of us) OR it can go terribly wrong.

 

one horrible example i know of - the wife called her husband's OW's spouse and told him about the affair. the other BS attacked the OW and she ended up in the ER with 7 broken bones, ruptured spleen and a chest stab wound... BARELY made it out alive. i was there when the first BS found out... you wouldn't believe the impact, the devastation when she realized what had happened and what did her confession cause... it was far worse than any devastation caused by cheating. so in this case, telling the other BS actually had someone else's entire life in danger.

 

i also know of examples when WS sees that as a huge EXIT SIGN & as their chance to just leave the marriages and be together - so it definitely blew in the BS's faces. and of course - there are those examples when the BS was literally saved. one OM spent years in an affair, secretly taking slowly money from the BS and their joint account and putting it on the off - shore account; he was planning to take everything she got and sell everything they owed together & run away. when told, the BS was able to take legal action ON TIME and protected herself from getting completely broke.

 

for some couples, complete exposure did play a huge part in keeping them together - it only "tied" the WS to their spouse more... with other couples - on the contrary.

 

so it can really go both ways - you take a risk and see how it ends.

 

Exactly....which is why I think there is no right or wrong answer. We each have to do what we think is best. I cannot dictate to others how to handle it.

 

And I am one of those people that would not want to be told.....

[Joie]

 

It's fine if you want to bust out your spouse & OW but own that you did it just to do it, don't pretend it came from such a noble place. If it had, you would have thought about him again. Not make a phone call & think "owe I did the right thing now forget him". That's not a statement that sounds very caring or empathetic.

 

This is an additional reason why I did not contact the other BS. I know in my heart I would only be doing it for revenge. The only reason I could justify contacting him would be to make the OW as miserable as I was feeling.

 

I also wouldn't want the other BS to contact me unless it was to notify me that they had an STD or my husband was hiding money, etc.

 

I would not want a random stranger letting me know that I was married to a cheater just to let me know that he is a cheater. (But to each their own).

 

So deciding not to contact was a combination of factors.

[goodyblue]

I do not agree whatsoever there is any reason one BS should tell the other BS. That's just my thoughts. I think if you are going stay and work on your marriage, then do that. If you are going to leave, then do that. If the other BS gets an STD, then they'll know their spouse cheated (unless they too are cheating). It's not for me to tell anyone anything. That's for him to face his own mess just like I'm facing mine. That's the equivalent of me contacting my OMW and telling her about our A. That's just wrong and hateful on my part. Why ruin her marriage because he and I got into a mess? Nope, just let the other BS be. What doesn't come out in the wash, will come out in the rinse.

 

No. Just no. I don't believe in exposure.either unless it is something extreme. These would include a pregnancy, abuse or an std. There are STD's that can go on in people with no symptoms and can cause infertility. If you do that to someone that is horrible. Affairs are bad enough, but there are certain things that need to be outed.

[DAO]

When I had my DDay, my H told me he was going to call OM's long term gf, after our first MC session I asked if he did, he said no bc he wanted OM to be away from us & he felt that if OM & gf broke up, that OM would chase after me. He just wanted him out of our lives.

 

So I'm curious, is there anyone that wanted to R but the OM or OW chased after your WS even more after A had been outed?

 

 

This is so childish....

 

First of all,the choice of exposure belong to victims(BS),regardless of the reconciliation

 

Total exposure(expose everywhere to everyone)is about control and power,the righteous one uses in order to regain his/her life.

 

In the partial exposure,from your example,the victim(BS) deprived himself of the "let it go" concept.Only by letting something go,one will poses what is real.The victim(your BS) will never know what would happened if OM was available.

The consequence of not to tell is the loss of the honour,self respect,respect towards other human being/s is a too high price to pay just to justify one selfish needs.

 

So much from me....

[DAO]

Says you. There's a song that has the lyrics that goes "why blow up my spot so we both get caught". Your logic is coming from a place of pure revenge. If I love my OM and I decide to tell my H about the A, no way would I want my H to contact my OMW and tell her. All that is doing is hurting FOUR people rather than two. It was MY choice to cheat on my H. Mine. My OM obliged me and gave me what I couldn't get from my H. Why would I want him hurt. If my H then told his W, he has every reason to be pissed! And a fight could ensue. When dealing with matters of the heart, nothing is logical and as the OP said, there is no decency in affairs.

 

All I know,the life is not a song.....

 

Once the victim (your BS) finds out about your affair ,I am certain ,you will change your tunes and lyrics

[DAO]

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What are you the fidelity police? You and Katielee must be friends, smh. The one thing I like about the OP is she's brutally honest. She made an honest choice to cheat, and she made an honest choice to stop. She's owning up to her choices and is unapologetic for them. If her husband is fine with it, then why wouldn't you be? And she has every right to join any forum she wants. The question is you're H cheated on you 10 years ago... why are YOU here? Still haven't gotten over it eh?

 

Honest choice to cheat....

 

I really do not understand why those BS (victims) whinging about

[road]

By telling, the W basically gave her husband to me. I think by telling the spouse you unfortunately are handing him over to the OW. He went after me with like there was no tomorrow. In this case it wasn't a good idea!

 

 

Unfortunately most people including you only think in terms of exposure is to embarrass, and or for the BS to get revenge.

 

 

The purpose of exposure is to bring about the end of the affair and to get NC between the WS and the AP so the affair does not restart. The goal is to save the marriage.

 

 

Does exposure always work? No.

 

 

That is why your OM/WH was all over you after exposure. He was wanting out of his marriage.

 

 

Though most WS's when having an affair are not looking to dump their BS. They just want some side action.

 

 

This is how exposure is the most effective tool to kill an affair.

[Whoknew30]

This is so childish....

 

First of all,the choice of exposure belong to victims(BS),regardless of the reconciliation

 

Total exposure(expose everywhere to everyone)is about control and power,the righteous one uses in order to regain his/her life.

 

In the partial exposure,from your example,the victim(BS) deprived himself of the "let it go" concept.Only by letting something go,one will poses what is real.The victim(your BS) will never know what would happened if OM was available.

The consequence of not to tell is the loss of the honour,self respect,respect towards other human being/s is a too high price to pay just to justify one selfish needs.

 

So much from me....

 

OM ended up being available, he broke up with her after my dday. I didn't know that, he kept calling but I had one last talk with him & that was it. I didnt realize he though I was going to get divorced & that was his chance but I never answered his calls.

[Whoknew30]

Unfortunately most people including you only think in terms of exposure is to embarrass, and or for the BS to get revenge.

 

 

The purpose of exposure is to bring about the end of the affair and to get NC between the WS and the AP so the affair does not restart. The goal is to save the marriage.

 

 

Does exposure always work? No.

 

 

That is why your OM/WH was all over you after exposure. He was wanting out of his marriage.

 

 

Though most WS's when having an affair are not looking to dump their BS. They just want some side action.

 

 

This is how exposure is the most effective tool to kill an affair.

 

 

I don't want to kill an A with exposure. I want my WS to end bc they love me. If they can't , I'd leave. I understand people make mistakes but if after I found out, WS kept it up, I wouldn't bat an eye to leave.

[road]

I don't want to kill an A with exposure. I want my WS to end bc they love me. If they can't , I'd leave. I understand people make mistakes but if after I found out, WS kept it up, I wouldn't bat an eye to leave.

 

 

You had an affair because of what YOU wanted. Everything with you is about what YOU want.

 

 

This forum is not about what YOU want.

 

 

This forum is to help people with affairs. People as in WW, WH, BH, BW. People have come here, whether the WS or the BS, for help to clean up the mess that the affair is causing in their lives.

 

 

Real life experience has shown what is best. Many times posters only want to do what they want. They only want to hear people agreeing with themselves. Their minds are closed off from the experienced people that have walked this path before them and learnt what works and do not.

 

 

No affairs are special or unique. Countless times it is pointed out that all WS say this, do that. BS always have the same fears and let their fears paralyze them from taking action until we can get them past their fears.

 

 

Or they, WS and BS just stop posting. Or if they do continue you see how the affairs are not ending, healing never happens, trust never restored, better marriage after the affair is never achieved.

[Whoknew30]

You had an affair because of what YOU wanted. Everything with you is about what YOU want.

 

 

This forum is not about what YOU want.

 

 

This forum is to help people with affairs. People as in WW, WH, BH, BW. People have come here, whether the WS or the BS, for help to clean up the mess that the affair is causing in their lives.

 

 

Real life experience has shown what is best. Many times posters only want to do what they want. They only want to hear people agreeing with themselves. Their minds are closed off from the experienced people that have walked this path before them and learnt what works and do not.

 

 

No affairs are special or unique. Countless times it is pointed out that all WS say this, do that. BS always have the same fears and let their fears paralyze them from taking action until we can get them past their fears.

 

 

Or they, WS and BS just stop posting. Or if they do continue you see how the affairs are not ending, healing never happens, trust never restored, better marriage after the affair is never achieved.

 

I can ONLY talk about my experience. I don't speak for others. I didn't realize that one BS SPEAKS for all BS's.

 

I believe you shouldn't have to clean up another adult's mess. If you do, that's one's choice not mine & forums are to hear different opinions. Ok you obviously handled it that way. I didn't & my M is fine now. I don't have lasting fears. I love my H but I don't fear dvorce. That's my opinion & if you have read other's have that same opinion. I never said my way is for everyone. It's different & that's what forums are for. To see different people handle things different ways.

 

When you post it's about YOUR experience, right?

[Whoknew30]

Even during my H A, I still trusted he'd end himself & he did. I'm sorry for any BS that lost all trust in their WS. In my case, that didn't happen & I shouldn't have to lie telling my experience to make anyone feel better about themselves or their situation. No one should.

[No Limit]

An extraordinary case, but I read about a BS who decided to blackmail his WW's MM. MM was wealthy and didn't want his family destroyed so he paid a lot (of course this deal happened after BS's divorce was finalized, he didn't want to share a cent of that money with her).

 

But no, except for the shock and traumatic effects, BS is usually good to go (unless financially dependant on his or her partner).

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes, and I'd be pissed if my spouse cheated and didn't own up to it and the reasons he did it. In that instance, personally, I would leave him. Because if you don't take ownership of your choices, then it's still "someone else's" problem and what's stopping them from repeating that cycle? But your telling the other BS does what? Makes you feel better? Guarantees that your H won't see that particular OW again? But if he's not taking ownership then it may not be "that" OW he cheats with but may get a new OW. Do you see the problem? You are still being made accountable for HIS actions. And now you also have to brunt the responsibility of making sure his OWH is okay. That's crazy. And I know it doesn't sound like it, I'm really not a "every man for himself" person. I'm not. But we're talking affairs here, they're sorted in and of themselves. Telling the BS something that he/she may not even want to know doesn't do anything for that BS. Maybe they're happy living in ignorance? Maybe the know and haven't been forced to face it because they don't want to face it? So you it's your job to force them to face it? The thing is, you just don't know what that BS is feeling. You are doing all the feeling and thinking for them... the same as we waywards are accused of doing.

 

 

How exactly does one leave a WS if they do not know that their spouse is a WS?

 

You are exactly correct in the assumption...if a WS does not take ownership they are at a greater risk to re-offend...either with the same AP...or a new one.

 

Let's be honest here....more WS get caught than admit.

 

Does that now mean that a BS should turn a blind eye to what they uncovered or should they wait for the WS to come clean?

 

And isn't informing the other BS, similar to being caught?

 

 

Personally, I view informing the OBS, as putting responsibility exactly where it lies..,,at the feet of the other WS. It is not my duty to be complicit and to keep their dirty hurtful secrets.

 

I get the point of view of many WS/AP....it is the same mindset that helped them to engage in the affair in the first place. They twist actions and truth. They view the truth as being hurtful and not the actions. If they put as much effort into avoiding the actions in the first place they wouldn't need to put so much effort, mental gymnastics into concealing the truth.

 

If after an affair, a WS/APs thought process hasn't grasped the importance of living life honestly and with integrity...then they missed the most important life lesson that was to be learned.

[merrmeade]

How exactly does one leave a WS if they do not know that their spouse is a WS?

 

You are exactly correct in the assumption...if a WS does not take ownership they are at a greater risk to re-offend...either with the same AP...or a new one.

 

Let's be honest here....more WS get caught than admit.

 

Does that now mean that a BS should turn a blind eye to what they uncovered or should they wait for the WS to come clean?

 

And isn't informing the other BS, similar to being caught?

 

Personally, I view informing the OBS, as putting responsibility exactly where it lies..,,at the feet of the other WS. It is not my duty to be complicit and to keep their dirty hurtful secrets.

 

I get the point of view of many WS/AP....it is the same mindset that helped them to engage in the affair in the first place. They twist actions and truth. They view the truth as being hurtful and not the actions. If they put as much effort into avoiding the actions in the first place they wouldn't need to put so much effort, mental gymnastics into concealing the truth.

 

If after an affair, a WS/APs thought process hasn't grasped the importance of living life honestly and with integrity...then they missed the most important life lesson that was to be learned.

So true!

 

And do not dismiss the importance for the BS's needs. There is a certain amount of exposure needed by the BS for recovery from the isolation of the trauma. Feeling some convoluted, shared responsibility for keeping the secret, even protecting the (undeserved) reputation of one of the affair partners is very damaging to the psyche of the BS. It's like asking a child not to tell on his abuser. In this way, exposure is not only, not unnatural as a consequence, but a very healthy and necessary action on the BS's part. And in this case, there is the future health and security of the other spouse at stake as well.

 

I also do not subscribe to the idea that exposure is necessarily motivated by revenge. No, it is PERCEIVED that way. Unfortunately a lot of the BS's reactions may be tainted that way for lots of reasons by lots of people who've already sold part of their humanity for a piece of entitlement here and there. Some of these people may be part of the BS's world (though if they are, they should be no longer). These people belong together and can continue reinforcing and enabling their perverted world views blaming victims.

Edited December 25, 2015 by merrmeade

[uneek74]

@Road Please don't assume you know what's in my head. Your comments are very presumptuous to say the least. I am well aware of what exposure means. I merely stated what happened in my case. I am not asking for your approval or support in my situation. I only come here to read and offer opinions from time to time. I am not stressing!

[uneek74]

ROAD to be clear also, I don't relate to the term side piece. I don't know your story, but perhaps I should read it to understand your perspective. BTW were you a BW?

[minimariah]

This is how exposure is the most effective tool to kill an affair.

 

i disagree.

 

in my opinion - the most effective tool to "kill an affair" (assuming the relationship can't survive outside THE AFFAIR status) is to remove the "forbidden lovers" context. when you keep your cool in the situation and set your WS "free"; when you take some time off from the marriage and allow the affair to develop into a full blown FREE relationship... MANY crack under the pressure, many realize that the affair wasn't something that can survive in a day to day life & they end. not all, but many.

 

when you use exposure as some kind of shaming tool, in order to keep the WS "in check" with the help of the other BS - it often backfires. what happens is that the WS loses the remaining respect for the BS; they are often annoyed & angry for being treated like a child who just got told on to their mother - it can very much produce a totally opposite effect.

 

when a BS tells without really caring what the WS does - i think it has a much better consequences than when you use it as a weapon.

 

and at the end of the day - you want your WS to stay because they want to; not because you outted them to the world.

[katielee]

Married people don't get to take time off from a relationship. Allowing another relationship to develop fully while still married to me? Dealbreaker. sure go- but don't ever come back.

[minimariah]

Married people don't get to take time off from a relationship.

 

i truly believe many relationships and marriages (in reconciliation) would have been healthier if they took at least a year off; living separately.

 

a lot of WS out there who are forever carrying a torch for their AP as a result of the "forbidden" component -- you break that once you allow them to fully develop the relationship out in the open. if they work out - it's done. if not -- the WS doesn't have to go back to the marriage but if they do... it's a lot more healthier than many other marriages who rely on "let's keep an eye on the WS" method.

 

besides - affairs already ARE fully developed relationships & at that moment; you already are taking a break from your marriage and your spouse.

Edited December 25, 2015 by minimariah

[katielee]

i truly believe many relationships and marriages (in reconciliation) would have been healthier if they took at least a year off; living separately.

 

a lot of WS out there who are forever carrying a torch for their AP as a result of the "forbidden" component -- you break that once you allow them to fully develop the relationship out in the open. if they work out - it's done. if not -- the WS doesn't have to go back to the marriage but if they do... it's a lot more healthier than many other marriages who rely on "let's keep an eye on the WS" method.

 

besides - affairs already ARE fully developed relationships & at that moment; you already are taking a break from your marriage and your spouse.

 

Once the WS breaks from the AP and heals, there should be no pining for the AP. The addiction is not to the person but the feeling. So who cares how it ends. The ending if the affair then clears the mind if the WS to figure why they needed that feeling, not that person.

I don't think affairs are fully developed relationships. How could a relationship based on lies and secrets be fully developed? What kind of BS wants a relationship with someone who leaves for their AP? Your post kind of assumes the BS will take them back once they've sewed their oats and gotten the AP out if their system. Seems like that should have happened before the marriage. Otherwise, why even say vows or get married?

[NewLeaf512]

Well...... for me it was a quick and easy way to both hurt him and cause an end to the A at the same time. It did both. And, from what I read, it usually does.

 

I totally understand wanting to strike out and I know well what grief feels like. I do have an honest query: looking back do you think it's the WS's responsibility to end the A immediately? If the WS doesn't but the BS does, how does that speak to intent for those that want to R?

[AlwaysGrowing]

i truly believe many relationships and marriages (in reconciliation) would have been healthier if they took at least a year off; living separately.

 

a lot of WS out there who are forever carrying a torch for their AP as a result of the "forbidden" component -- you break that once you allow them to fully develop the relationship out in the open. if they work out - it's done. if not -- the WS doesn't have to go back to the marriage but if they do... it's a lot more healthier than many other marriages who rely on "let's keep an eye on the WS" method.

 

besides - affairs already ARE fully developed relationships & at that moment; you already are taking a break from your marriage and your spouse.

 

Most affairs are NOT fully developed relationships. See how I didn't say ALL.

 

When one gives their spouse the latitude to explore outside relationships...it is called an open relationship.

 

If one is not interested in an open marriage...then one needs to clearly set their boundary in that regard. If the WS continues in the affair, it should be a dealbreaker for a BS.

 

Quite frankly, if a WS loses respect or gets angry at their BS, for being outed...then that shows how little regard they have for the rights of others.

 

If one hurts another, the person hurt has every right to tell their story. The have the right to inform others who can/will be hurt by the very same information.

 

I do agree that sharing the information should not be solely or even partially based on punishing...or to try to get the WS to end the affair.

 

If a WS does not want to end the affair...my advice to a BS would be to divorce them ASAP. Lines should be that firmly drawn.

 

Most information out there..in regard to affairs.,,is that most men do not leave or even ever wanted to leave their BS. The men that are most likely to leave...are those that are former BS...who never reconnected or lost respect for their former WW.

 

For the life of me...I can not understand how a WS/AP can say a BS is meddling in the APs marriage if they inform.

 

If one wants to engage in a destructive way in anothers life....then one should expect repercussions.