BS, did telling the OM/OW BS blow up in your face?

[lollipopspot]

I disclosed the affair to the OW's mother. OW was quite angry with me for invading her life like that.

 

Everything from those days felt like it was blowing up in my face, things I wish I had not done,said, people I wish I had not told. But I never regretted talking to her mom that day.

 

Why would you talk to the mom? What does the mom have to do with it?

[eleanorrigby]

Why would you talk to the mom? What does the mom have to do with it?

 

I was in investigative mode at the time, found a clue, followed it, it led me to her mother and I told her my suspicions. She called her daughter that night and it all led to D-Day.

 

I've always been happy that she had her own little d-day with her mom that evening.

[road]

Why would you talk to the mom? What does the mom have to do with it?

 

 

Learn what exposure is

 

 

Learn how to do a proper exposure

 

 

Learn how exposure works

 

 

Then you will learn why exposing the affair to the OW/OM mom is necessary

[gettingstronger]

I exposed after about 6 months of intrusions from our OW. I warned her I would in an effort to get her to stop. Not sure if it was a good or bad thing. He exposed her to the whole small town where they live, found out there were others, etc. she tried to overdose on Tylenol (WTF!) and had to have two organ transplants. She still intrudes, even yesterday on Christmas.

[ladydesigner]

but this isn't true for every affair - in fact, i dare to say that it isn't true for MOST affairs that i know of. however, the WS and the BS both try their best to minimize the importance of the affair on some "fake it until you make it" method. the question is - how can you possibly know if the affair of your WS was just an addiction OR a real relationship with very real feelings?

 

 

 

in my opionion - affairs where the APs are honest and open with each other aren't based on lies and secrets at all. the lies and secrets are between the AP and their BS; not between the APs.

 

 

 

it's not about leaving FOR someone - it's about taking the time out of your life and marriage and figuring out what you really want. i can ask you the similar question - what kind of BS wants a relationship with someone who had to be FORCED to end it with their AP via exposure?

 

 

 

i honestly have no idea. the entire idea of vows and marriage is pretty abstract to me - i have no idea how people can VOW to love someone until the rest of their lives... i personally don't even know if i'll see the sun rising tomorrow... let alone what can or will happen in the next decade.

 

and yes, my post is about those WS and BS who decide to get back together or wait on each other - in any other case, clearly the reconciliation won't happen.

 

 

 

when we talk about affairs, of course we talk about MOST of them - there are always exceptions and we can't generalize. after all, every one of us here have different experiences and we're all in different environments - so naturally, we will have different opinions and outlook on things.

 

i'm absolutely not talking about ALL affairs, no one really is. i don't think we have to point that out specifically.

 

i'm not trying to say that true reconciliation does not happen and i'm not trying to say that for many APs out there - the affair isn't a true addiction. just writing about exposure and how it CAN end... in a negative way. i am sure it works out honestly for many couples.

 

 

 

i disagree with this. i would personally be super turned off by my BS outing me WITH the intention to keep me in line - the intention matters here, not the act of outing. as far as rights go... no, i don't believe that outing the affair is among the BS's rights. the BS is FREE to do so, of course - just like the WS is free to have an affair in the first place... both actions come with a lot of consequences for a lot of other people, of course. rights aren't about what's moral or good, at all.

 

 

 

disagreeing with this, too - in my environment, men leaving their BS is not a rarity at all.

 

i agree with one thing - the BS cannot end the affair. they can, however, influence and push the WS in a certain direction.

 

Totally agree with this. I honestly have to admit I went about the whole post dday thing completely wrong. I reacted, overreacted, and then reacted again what I should have done was kick my WH out to go be with MOW...seriously..end of story. It would have saved me from the constant policing, investigating and beating myself up. Let them be together, it is who he wanted all along...that was until he didn't want it anymore. NOT MY PROBLEM though.

[ladydesigner]

I exposed after about 6 months of intrusions from our OW. I warned her I would in an effort to get her to stop. Not sure if it was a good or bad thing. He exposed her to the whole small town where they live, found out there were others, etc. she tried to overdose on Tylenol (WTF!) and had to have two organ transplants. She still intrudes, even yesterday on Christmas.

 

I exposed only after broken NC was discovered because of the same thing, intrusions, but turns out my WH liked those intrusions

[Horton]

I believe betrayed spouses deserve the opportunity to make an informed decision about such a critical part of their lives. And I believe that it gives them an opportunity to avoid a potentially fatal STD. I also believe it demonstrates a certain strength of character on my part. I consider it to be common decency, and sadly less common than I originally thought.

 

This is the only thing that matters. Every person should be able to make an informed decision about their own life/future and anybody who would rob them of that choice through silence is behaving in an inhumane manner.

 

There is no denceny in A & let's face it. IMO, no BS calls another BS for decency, they're usually called out of emotion for A to stop. You know nothing about BS, they can be mentally unstable, they can be in a position where they can't leave the marriage, they can even hurt your spouse, in the worst case. I

dont think most BS are in the right state of mind when making that phone call.

 

I believe BetrayedH when he says he informed the OBS due to wanting her to know the truth about her own life so she could decide for herself what she should do, but even those who do it without noble intent are at the end of the day doing the right thing. Sometimes right things can be done for wrong reasons and most BS's don't really care about the OBS motive in telling them, they're generally just thankful(after the initial shock phase) to no longer be living in the land of make believe any longer.

 

Now on the flip side of this, you admit in your opening post that your BH didn't tell the OBS due to his fear that the OM would then chase after you and it's apparent by his decision to do so that he(right or wrong) felt like you would have been open to the OM's pursuit.

 

When I had my DDay, my H told me he was going to call OM's long term gf, after our first MC session I asked if he did, he said no bc he wanted OM to be away from us & he felt that if OM & gf broke up, that OM would chase after me. He just wanted him out of our lives.

 

So I'm curious, is there anyone that wanted to R but the OM or OW chased after your WS even more after A had been outed?

 

IMO your BH acted from a position of fear and weakness. He didn't think he could compete with the OM for your affections and he wanted to keep you in the marriage so he basically used the OM's GF as a scapegoat to be sacrificed for his own gain. In my view this is the main distinction between what BetrayedH did and what your BH did, one man acted out of self interest, the other out of moral character.

 

Whoknew...I agree with your statement

 

First of all...many of us are "speculating" on what we would do...second....we each make decisions that we believe are right for us where infidelity is involved....and there is no right or wrong answer. There is simply...the "best" answer for me.

 

I can only wish that there is one size fits all and there is a "correct" answer for all. It is like raising children....we do the very best we can with the circumstances we have been given....and while there are guidelines how to discipline and guide them....we have to take into consideration...the individual child.

 

I'm so glad that you made this analogy, because it perfectly encapsulates why the "keep your mouth shut!" crowd is completely full of baloney(pardon my harsh language) in regards to why they wouldn't tell the BS the truth.

 

It's like the BS are children to the adulterers and they believe that they should control the information for the BS own good just like they would a child. It's the same thing a WS is doing to their own BS while actively in the affair(rigging the game to be in their favor) it's wayward thinking/behavior 101.

 

I'm gonna have to start referring to WS as carnies, cause the similarities are striking.

[Whoknew30]

This is the only thing that matters. Every person should be able to make an informed decision about their own life/future and anybody who would rob them of that choice through silence is behaving in an inhumane manner.

 

 

 

I believe BetrayedH when he says he informed the OBS due to wanting her to know the truth about her own life so she could decide for herself what she should do, but even those who do it without noble intent are at the end of the day doing the right thing. Sometimes right things can be done for wrong reasons and most BS's don't really care about the OBS motive in telling them, they're generally just thankful(after the initial shock phase) to no longer be living in the land of make believe any longer.

 

Now on the flip side of this, you admit in your opening post that your BH didn't tell the OBS due to his fear that the OM would then chase after you and it's apparent by his decision to do so that he(right or wrong) felt like you would have been open to the OM's pursuit.

 

 

 

IMO your BH acted from a position of fear and weakness. He didn't think he could compete with the OM for your affections and he wanted to keep you in the marriage so he basically used the OM's GF as a scapegoat to be sacrificed for his own gain. In my view this is the main distinction between what BetrayedH did and what your BH did, one man acted out of self interest, the other out of moral character.

 

 

 

I'm so glad that you made this analogy, because it perfectly encapsulates why the "keep your mouth shut!" crowd is completely full of baloney(pardon my harsh language) in regards to why they wouldn't tell the BS the truth.

 

It's like the BS are children to the adulterers and they believe that they should control the information for the BS own good just like they would a child. It's the same thing a WS is doing to their own BS while actively in the affair(rigging the game to be in their favor) it's wayward thinking/behavior 101.

 

I'm gonna have to start referring to WS as carnies, cause the similarities are striking.

 

 

My H did have fear but it wasn't of losing me, it was the fear of what he would do to OM, if he didn't stop. Him & I deal with things differently, my H is a react first, think of the consequences later. (He's never been physical with me) If we didn't have a child he would have beat up OM & the last thing he wanted was to go to jail & he would have. In a funny way, it was the first time I saw him ever stop & actually think about how he was going to handle something instead of just reacting, which was another positive thing that came from R.

[Miss Clavel]

Let me ask, if you knew my grocer was cheating me, frequently, and you knew this for a fact, would you tell me?

[Whoknew30]

Let me ask, if you knew my grocer was cheating me, frequently, and you knew this for a fact, would you tell me?

 

I don't think this is a fair comparison. You don't love your grocer, you don't have a family & kids with your grocer....there's no emotion in that situation.

[beatcuff]

I don't think this is a fair comparison. You don't love your grocer, you don't have a family & kids with your grocer....there's no emotion in that situation.

 

and yet you chose to lie to your H for... so much for honestly.

[Whoknew30]

and yet you chose to lie to your H for... so much for honestly.

 

Yes I did & then I also chose to him the truth & if you read the rest of my postings you would have read, I wasn't the only one that was lying.

[road]

Yes I did & then I also chose to him the truth & if you read the rest of my postings you would have read, I wasn't the only one that was lying.

 

No matter how lied, what lied, when lied, where lied, who lied, which lied, to keep the truth from the OW/OM BH/BW is wrong.

 

 

For the WW/WH to allow the lying to continue, denying the BH/BW the truth is wrong. All it shows is that the WS is putting protecting their AP from facing consequences.

 

 

Protecting their lover from facing the pain that their own BS has to face.

 

 

That is not being fair or honest.

 

 

Remember lies by omission is still lying.

[Whoknew30]

No matter how lied, what lied, when lied, where lied, who lied, which lied, to keep the truth from the OW/OM BH/BW is wrong.

 

 

For the WW/WH to allow the lying to continue, denying the BH/BW the truth is wrong. All it shows is that the WS is putting protecting their AP from facing consequences.

 

 

Protecting their lover from facing the pain that their own BS has to face.

 

 

That is not being fair or honest.

 

 

Remember lies by omission is still lying.

 

 

 

Why would one be so concerned with AP facing consequences. Why would the AP mean so much to BS? My OM wouldn't have had any, he & his gf broke up & the majority of his coworkers/friends & father already knew. Just as all my friends & family already knew. The consequences were between my H & I as it should have been.