Would you?

[Xiang]

Confess your love to your best friend? Ik her for 5 years, and i have fallen for her.

I have all the chances to fail, will not give details as to why.

But it's pretty much a 100% chance i will lose her as a friend after this.

Being my only and best friend, it's hard on me.

 

Would you do it? Knowing it would fail, but just to be done with it?

[Samhain]

Confess your love to your best friend? Ik her for 5 years, and i have fallen for her.

I have all the chances to fail, will not give details as to why.

But it's pretty much a 100% chance i will lose her as a friend after this.

Being my only and best friend, it's hard on me.

 

Would you do it? Knowing it would fail, but just to be done with it?

 

Knowing it would fail and knowing I'd lose my best friend with 100% certainty. No I would not. I'd maybe give myself some space from her, until I'm in a place where we can be friends without any other feelings in the way. That would be fairer on both people.

[hasaquestion]

Confess your love to your best friend? Ik her for 5 years, and i have fallen for her.

I have all the chances to fail, will not give details as to why.

But it's pretty much a 100% chance i will lose her as a friend after this.

Being my only and best friend, it's hard on me.

 

Would you do it? Knowing it would fail, but just to be done with it?

 

Hell no!

 

Listen to yourself man. This girl has been your BEST FRIEND according to you for five years. She gets you, you get her. She'll probably always have your back.

 

You wanna throw all that out? For what? Some fantasy that she'll spread her legs? I mean I don't wanna sound harsh but why is this so important? Why "be done with" a lasting friendship just to get a lottery ticket that might turn out to be her harboring feelings for you this whole time?

 

There's millions of women in the world. There are very, very few lifetime friends. Don't risk the best friend to get the girl. Show some loyalty to your friend. Sack it up and appreciate her for what she is. Because if she really is your best friend there is a LOT to appreciate.

 

If you can't do that you either....

1. Don't value friendships enough

2. Value a relationship with her way too much

3. Never liked being her friend and have just been lying to her (pretending you want to be a friend when you really want to be something else is lying) while hoping she'll get with you

 

All those are things about yourself you'd have to (and can!) improve.

Edited December 22, 2015 by hasaquestion

[Xiang]

But this is what i have been doing for all 5 years. Something would happen and i would fall for her. I would distance myself to get my feelings in check.

 

I thought it's like a one time thing, then it would be easy.

But i end up falling for her every damn time we spend to much time toghether >_>.

And if this is always going to happen, who am i kidding. Can i be her friend this way?

 

Let me put it like this, i don't really want a RL because i don't think i am for her, but since i believe i am missleading her i want to be upfront. Just tell her how i feel.

But knowing her for such a long time, i am afraid and kind of sure, such a confession will just make her walk away.

 

Both options i got suck. Is there another? :\ i don't see it.

[d0nnivain]

The grand dramatic confession ALWAYS backfires. It's too much. It overwhelms the other person in a bad way & sends them running for the hills. Do not do it.

 

If you want to change the dynamic of your relationship from friends to lovers, you can gently probe the subject by asking her if she's ever thought about you as more then a friend. Unless you get an enthusiastic response, never speak of it again.

[hasaquestion]

But this is what i have been doing for all 5 years. Something would happen and i would fall for her. I would distance myself to get my feelings in check.

 

I thought it's like a one time thing, then it would be easy.

But i end up falling for her every damn time we spend to much time toghether >_>.

And if this is always going to happen, who am i kidding. Can i be her friend this way?

 

Let me put it like this, i don't really want a RL because i don't think i am for her, but since i believe i am missleading her i want to be upfront. Just tell her how i feel.

But knowing her for such a long time, i am afraid and kind of sure, such a confession will just make her walk away.

 

Both options i got suck. Is there another? :\ i don't see it.

 

You say you have two options and then list two things you can do about her. Don't have tunnel vision like that. This is not about her. Its about you.

 

Let's say you "confess" to your friend, that you love her and that she's the most beautiful thing under the sun, and that you want to be with her. And she decides she can no longer be your friend. So you stop talking to one another. Now what?

 

Some time you're going to meet another girl who you think its beautiful. Are you going to do the same thing all over again? If you act like "friends" with a woman while secretly hoping she sees you as a romantic prospect, this is what happens.

 

If your self-worth is predicated on "winning" a girl over then that is something you need to fix. If you lack the confidence and ability to express your romantic intentions with a girl right off the bat, then that is something you need to fix.

 

I know right now all you can think about is this friend. But worrying about what to do about the friend is crying over spilled milk, as they say. Because you made mistakes here and need to learn from them and do better next time.

[privategal]

Confess your love to your best friend? Ik her for 5 years, and i have fallen for her.

I have all the chances to fail, will not give details as to why.

But it's pretty much a 100% chance i will lose her as a friend after this.

Being my only and best friend, it's hard on me.

 

Would you do it? Knowing it would fail, but just to be done with it?

 

No way.

First of all, do not make ANY friend the center of your world and happiness.

Next, often times when a person is able to fill a void of lonliness and offer comfort or support, the feelings of gratitude often mimic love.

It isnt impossible to detach emotionally from this (often false) sense of love.

Lastly, there are literally millions of single girls out there, DO NOT try to turn your only friend into a romantic partner.

There is a REASON she had not pursued it with you.

Also its so tough to find TRUE friends..Gather yourself and let the crush go.

Your gonna need to join some clubs, find a new job with coworkers who can go out to grpup events after work, get involved with community sports, do ANYTHING you can to make an effort to have other people to spend time with so you dont smother and rely solely on one.

DO NOT ASK YOUR FRIEND OUT ROMANTICALLY. READ SOME ARTICLES ON DETACHING FROM ROMANCE WITH A PLATONIC FRIEND.

[Xiang]

You say you have two options and then list two things you can do about her. Don't have tunnel vision like that. This is not about her. Its about you.

 

Let's say you "confess" to your friend, that you love her and that she's the most beautiful thing under the sun, and that you want to be with her. And she decides she can no longer be your friend. So you stop talking to one another. Now what?

 

Some time you're going to meet another girl who you think its beautiful. Are you going to do the same thing all over again? If you act like "friends" with a woman while secretly hoping she sees you as a romantic prospect, this is what happens.

 

If your self-worth is predicated on "winning" a girl over then that is something you need to fix. If you lack the confidence and ability to express your romantic intentions with a girl right off the bat, then that is something you need to fix.

 

I know right now all you can think about is this friend. But worrying about what to do about the friend is crying over spilled milk, as they say. Because you made mistakes here and need to learn from them and do better next time.

Why are you acusing me of stuff. I didn't act like her friend, that is what i wanted and what i was. I just got to know her better, and it's been a never ending crush since then.

Was fine a whole 2 years, but the last 3 it's a loop of crushing, taking space, crushing.

 

And i couldn't confess, she had a BF at the time.

 

Yeah sure there are a lot of stuff i need to fix, i lack experience in many aspects. I am ready to lose it all, and as i mentioned, i just wanna get it off my chest. I don't want her tho, i mean... i do, but i don't think i could offer her what she needs. Despite that i wanna say my feels.

But yall are so against this... ._. didn't expect this honestly.

[privategal]

Take some time (unannounced) from your friend to focus on gaining experience, pursuing goals, fixing what you can about yourself and getting control over the urge to destroy a longstanding friendship. Its not a good idea and I have no idea why you would even consider it.

It is a real shame you would even consider it. Its really sad.

[preraph]

As someone who has been there, the most likely reactions you will get are that she feels you have been betraying her and lying basically and misleading and preying on her and will be mad. It doesn't take 5 years to ask someone out, and the fact it took you that long to screw up the courage is only going to highlight that you are not confident and are cowardly, neither of which is anything any woman seeks in a man.

 

So no. If you can't date other women for being hung up on her, then you need to just tell her you think your friendship is getting in the way of you finding a woman and leave.

[privategal]

But...having a great friend should not get in the way of finding a girlfriend.

I think this whole thing is terrible.

If you know you will not be hired 100% for a job going into the interview...then you wouldn't go right?

If you KNOW she wont reciprocate your feelings and will end the friendship for sure...ask yourself WHY you wont work on moving on from those feelings rather than sabotaging a great friendship.

She isnt the only girl in the world.

Theres many who wish to they had a boyfriend and it takes time to find a good match but it doesn't mean you put all that wishing and hope into your only friend, your best friend.

No way. You start to reason with your heart and mind that its one sided and its not mutual and that shes off limits because your friendship is way more valuable.

I would be questioning how good of a friend you really are to wish to burn it all to the ground like this. She would be so hurt.

Stop it, let go of this crush and be a good friend.

If platonically she knows your a great guy...tell her you've been thinking alot of finding a solid relationship and ask her ideas on how to meet people. Idk...your really limiting yourself and seeming helpless like its her or no one.

That seems kinda weak if you dont mind me saying. No offense meant.

Edited December 23, 2015 by privategal

[preraph]

I think he's so scared that it took him this long to work up to maybe thinking about doing something about it, and so the thought of finding a new one and starting all over, well, in his mind, he probably thinks he'll have to start the whole long grueling process all over again and hope it's different but it won't be unless he works on his anxieties so he can act in a timely manner. After all these years, the childhood friend feels safer to him than other women. It's anxiety and insecurity. Just may need some help to overcome fears. Some people do lose some of it, and no clue how old he is. If he is still in high school, he may outgrow it still. lots of people are nervous about the opposite sex in high school just fear of the unknown.

[Xiang]

So many acusations . Muster up the courage?

2 years i didnt feel anything, why would i?

The other 3 were a problem, but she had a boyfriend the whole time.

I wasnt going to hit on her while having a bf, now she's single wich is why it's even crossing my mind.

 

Now here's the thing and tell me if i am wrong. Friends don't last, most of the time they move on or falling outs happen and you lose them. I've lost friends i've known for 15 years, just because of different interests.

 

I thought of that too, keep it like this, gonna loose her anyway. She is allready distancing herself because she is gonna move to another country, and from then it's just a matter of time.

Or try my luck, either way i lose her. One is just more drawn out.

 

Maybe i am wrong with my way of thinking . She is slightly older than me at 26.

[privategal]

Im not sure why you wrote then. Seems you've made up your mind.

Good luck.

[deckard11]

Just do it and be done with it already. The stress and anxiety over it will kill you the longer you wait. If you lose her then so what? Friends come and go. No such thing as a lifelong friend anymore. Not being harsh, just being real with you.

[hasaquestion]

So many acusations . Muster up the courage?

2 years i didnt feel anything, why would i?

The other 3 were a problem, but she had a boyfriend the whole time.

I wasnt going to hit on her while having a bf, now she's single wich is why it's even crossing my mind.

 

Now here's the thing and tell me if i am wrong. Friends don't last, most of the time they move on or falling outs happen and you lose them. I've lost friends i've known for 15 years, just because of different interests.

 

I thought of that too, keep it like this, gonna loose her anyway. She is allready distancing herself because she is gonna move to another country, and from then it's just a matter of time.

Or try my luck, either way i lose her. One is just more drawn out.

 

Maybe i am wrong with my way of thinking . She is slightly older than me at 26.

 

So what if she's leaving the country? She's not going to spontaneously combust. One of my college buddies is from China. We keep in touch once a month. Now if I ever go to Shanghai, I've got a place to stay. He'll call me two days from now at noon over there to wish me a Merry Christmas like he did last year. He's my friend. Knowing people is useful at worst.

 

The worst thing you can do is miss the big picture. The big picture is that you've been "just friends" with your friend for a reason. That's because it is the arrangement both of you like. And as multiple people have told you, the big dramatic confession of love never works.

 

Friends last if you make them last. They won't be in your life every week but they'll last. Maybe the common denominator in you and your friends not lasting..... is you? After all you seen awfully quick to throw out this girl who you've invested five years into being friends with.

 

Look I'm not being "accusatory" because I want to be mean, I'm trying to help you out. People need tough love sometimes. You say you don't have any other friends besides her and you're ready to get rid of her. That's symptomatic of a bigger problem. Redirect your focus from HER to YOU and ask yourself why you are in this situation in the first place.

[hasaquestion]

Just do it and be done with it already. The stress and anxiety over it will kill you the longer you wait. If you lose her then so what? Friends come and go. No such thing as a lifelong friend anymore. Not being harsh, just being real with you.

 

But the fact that this is causing stress an anxiety is a symptom of the real problem. If he lets her go he'll end up in the same position all over again - stressed and anxious about whether or not some unsuspecting girl wants to sleep with him. That's being real with the OP.

[Xiang]

OffTopic: I always kept a minnimum of friends since a lot of time needs to be invested in them, to maintain good relations, and actually have a worthwhile friend. As such i only kept 2-3 my whole life. None of us did anything wrong, me or them. They went to study and dabble in other activities i did not want to dabble since i liked my own thing, as close as we were as kids, at adulthood we were too opposite in how we think and liked so we just stopped hanging out. We still talk once a year maybe, that does not make us friends tho, more of a aquaintance. Generally speaking.

 

Related:

The reason i posted was so that someone can give me a worthwhile answer to not do it. But most of the things said just didn't convince me.

I am very open to ideeas and what is being said. But i don't just change my mind off the bat.

 

I am not sure what i want, kinda do, kinda don't.

At some point she crushed on me and told me, but i wasn't single then so i declined. And it was early in our friend RL.

I still hope she does? Wich is why i am willing to try. Tho a lot has changed since then, wich is why i am kinda sure it will fail :}.

I'm a 55% go for it and 45% don't XD atm.

 

 

Anyhoo, i am just discussing the probability and whatnot. Got time, won't do anything until after the holydays, dont wanna ruin anything for me or her xD. If i do that is.

PS: Ty for the input tho.

[Heracles]

I've been there. Done that, it doesn't work. Once she put you in that friendship box, you are most likely never coming out of it. She will never see you as a sexual being and as such, she will not want to date you.

 

Being her friend, you get to have a glimpse in who she really is. You come to appreciate her qualities and her flaws. You think it is reciprocal? No. It is not.

 

Things don't work that way.

 

Women let you know, by their demeanor and through their deeds if they can be friends or not.

In my opinion, what you have is a friendship by default. She is a girl you would like to f-u-c-k and you didn't have the b-a-l-l-s to let your intentions known upfront by fear of loosing her so you agreed to a friendship by default

[Xiang]

Not at all. I haven't had feelings to F U C K her, except for these last few months :}.

I chose her as a friend, cuz that's what i wanted the first time.

I swear, it's like this forum ain't what it used to be. Everyone is a know it all.

[CVnine]

You are 100% convinced your friendship will end if you confess and you seem pretty certain it will be a NO from her, so I will just take that as a fact and not ask why. You also seemed convinced your friendship will end shortly after she moves.

 

So I have to ask what is the point then? Friendship will end regardless of what your actions are. You appear to be in a no win situation. So I have to ask what is the point then? Not being rude, just wondering. (My personal opinion, if you are close friends, her moving won't end the friendship. You can still keep in touch. The friendship may not be anywhere near were it is at today, but at the very least she'll always want to know how you are and what you are going)

 

First its not your fault you have fallen in love with your friend. She is the only woman in your life right now and you have been spending a lot of time with her. Its understandable

 

I just came out of a similar situation with a close friend. Feelings weren't mutual but we have still remained close friends despite this. It was tough to handle but really the only thing that got my heart to move on was to get back into the dating game. Have the feelings turned off completely for her? No. Its not as bad as before but they are still there. Its at least manageable now. Its almost a month since this went down, and I have gone out on dates with 4 different woman. The last one, I have really connected with recently and I am starting to now develop feelings for her. She actually made me start to forget about feelings for my best friend.

 

My advice to you is move on with your life. You need to start dating, in my opinion that is the best action you can take. Pursue any avenue to meet other woman, you are under 26 so you really have time and options at this point.

 

Also if she is your only friend, you need to start making more friends. You just can't have one person be the center of your social universe. Like many suggested, join clubs, find a job were you have co-workers you can talk to and hang out with outside of work. It may seem difficult at first but its a domino effect, once you make a few new friends, you go out more, be around more people and in turn be around more single woman.

 

Seriously, make a strong effect to make new friends and make a strong effort to date new woman.

 

I am definitely not a know it all, I am just speaking from experience from my own situation. I hope this helps you and I wish you the best with your situation.

[Xiang]

Yeah perhaps it's that, since it's mostly just her in my life or because i went through a break not to long ago. I seem to 'fall in love' with just any chick i talk to atm. Trying to fill in a gap wich is why my feelings are stronger than before.

 

Well thanks, guess i will shove it down and let it pass. Merry x-mas .

[d0nnivain]

Not at all. I haven't had feelings to F U C K her, except for these last few months :}.

I chose her as a friend, cuz that's what i wanted the first time.

I swear, it's like this forum ain't what it used to be. Everyone is a know it all.

 

I still caution you to avoid the dramatic confession like the plague. You start babbling on about how you have had a crush on her for years & you will send her running.

 

 

I also suggest you rephrase how you view a possible sexual encounter with her. The verb you chose above expresses LUST, not love. So you better know both the difference & what you want.

 

 

Now just bite the bullet:

 

Since you don't have a

BF

any more I have been thinking about what it might be like if we were more than friends. Have you ever thought about me like that?

 

If you get a positive answer ask her on a real date &/or kiss her.