I know this is weird, but my Bf is actually jealous of me and my brother!

[trishaweston]

Hi everyone. I'm having a strange problem with my bf and I need some input.

 

Our background is that we've been in a relationship since I was 14, so 4 years now (I'm 18, he's 20). We met at church when I was in 8th grade, and have been in love ever since. I know we will probably get married, and we have already talked about this. We seem made for each other. We have this deep connection, physically and spiritually, and have the same goals and interests. The first year we were inseparable, but then my mom remarried and we moved, so we could only see each other several times a year, but inbetween we constantly skyped and chatted, and learned all about each other to the point where we are now definitely what I would call 'soul mates'. This fall he started college closeby, so we were able too see each other a lot more often, and he now has been visiting me several times a week.

 

The problem is this past week, my bf started asking me lots of weird questions about my brother, who is 19 and still lives at home with me. I was surprised, because since he moved back here he and my brother has seemed to get along. They had lots in common and seemed to be friends. He also seemed to know a lot more about my brother than I told him. At any rate, his questions make me think he's been reading my msgs on FB, which makes me mad because it's pw protected so he's been snooping. But he definitely knows a lot more about my brother and I than I've told him, so he's been getting info from a third party or he's broke into my phone and/or laptop.

 

Anyways, his questions were really weird, like he was jealous of me and my own brother! It was really odd and put me off. It was like he thought we might do something incestous or something, and it really offended me! I know this must sound really strange, but it's true. He's been asking things like am I attracted to him, is he attracted to me, do I think he is hot, have I ever thought about kissing him, has he ever tried anything on me, have we seen each other naked, and other inappropriate things. I'm shocked by his insinuations and tell him that there is nothing like that going on between my brother and I, of course, but this body language tells me he doesn't trust me and he keeps demanding answers to all his sick questions. I have to admit I haven't fully answered them all even though he keeps insisting, but I don't feel comfortable talking to him about all the intimate details of my family life yet. We are in love but I don't think either of us should expect the other to be so close so fast. He even got pissed at me yesterday when he found out that I don't feel uncomfortable walking around in my underwear in front of my family, and now when we text he is actually asking me what I'm wearing and to make sure I am properly covered up when my brother is around!

 

I've tried to analyze why my bf would start acting so weird like this, but can't come up with any good answers. The only thing I can come up with is that my brother is very good looking, and he is actually a step brother although we've been together now four years, but that doesn't explain why he would think something so nasty about us. My friends all think it's very strange and that I should break up with him, but I suspect they are just saying that because they want him for themselves. I myself also find it very weird, but I love him and am not going to just break up with him. I just think it's weird that I would have to convince my own bf that I'm not cheating on him with my own brother!

 

What do you think I should do? How do you deal with your own bf and true love thinking something like this about you? I really need to resolve this because we've gotten pretty confrontational about it lately!

Edited December 22, 2015 by trishaweston

[Space Ritual]

Where do you live? Is it rural, or an urban area?

 

Sounds more like somebody is feeding a line of BS to your Boyfriend than anything. Maybe with an ulterior motive.

 

Do you think maybe your brother may have made some sort of off handed remark to somebody that took it literally? And then went and ran to your BF and made some sort of wild accusation?

 

Reason I ask is because for all of this to come about in a week's time, it seems like someone took something the wrong way and decided that it would be in their own best interest to run with it. It sounds too strange for your BF to ask these questions out of the blue without somebody putting something into his head.

 

Just remember that people will be more than happy to insert themselves into a situation they have no business being in if they can get some excitement out of it at someone else's expense.

 

People thrive on drama.

 

I mean look at this place you just wrote into....if the stories that people posted were not overly dramatic no one would bother responding to them. lol Sad but true.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

First of all... I can't always understand from your writing just which "he" you're talking about, so that muddles the issue.

 

 

Though the very first thing I thought, just from reading the title of the thread, was that this isn't going to be a true "brother" who was with the girl from birth.

 

 

So that seems to be the case...

 

And are you suggesting that your relationship is almost the same length of time as you've had this STEP-brother????

 

 

You seem to have boasted "we've been together now four years" about your step-brother (but we can't tell, as you earlier said same about your boyfriend).

 

 

At any rate, if this is NOT a blood relative of yours AND (the step-brother) has not been in your life for as long as you can remember, then it cannot be surprising that the boyfriend is quite aware of the "step-brother".

 

Furthermore, I doubt the law would forbid you and your step-brother from becoming a couple... (as would be the case with a blood brother)... so there is one more reason why a boyfriend would be concerned about a (once long-distance) girlfriend living with some guy who she admits is "very good looking".

 

 

So c'mon... regardless of your (lack OF) intentions, your boyfriend isn't considerably out of bounds in his concerns.

[preraph]

It's because he's a stepbrother and your boyfriend is a guy and he knows exactly how horny 19 year old guys are. Now, you say he seems to know more than you've told him, so ask him if he's heard something you should know about. Just like that. "Have you heard something I should know about?"

 

IMO, you should not be running around naked in front of any 19 year old male you are not planning on having sex with! He's only human, and you are not blood relation. Many times men's libidos get the better of their brains.

 

Promise to stop going around naked in front of you stepbrother and if there's any sort of flirty exchange between the two of you that could be interpreted as suggestive, certainly you need to stop that to. If you have no attraction whatever for your stepbrother, then tell your bf you don't even think he's attractive or something to make him worry less. And then maybe thank him for reminding you that guys at his age are pretty hormone-driven and not always thinking with their brains.

 

However, once he has these assurances, if he continues to have problems and won't tell you why he's worried about it or keeps monitoring you, it might be time to date around. It's rare people who meet at the age you met end up married for any length of time. Because you are only now reaching the age of individuation and finding out who you really are, and honestly, you probably need a couple of years out on your own by yourself to really develop your true personality and path in life.

[smackie9]

OK I have to ask...is he just texting you? Or are you talking on the phone?

[smackie9]

If I had a BF that was accusing me of such things, I would think he was sick and twisted....kick him to the curb...there is something really wrong with him.

[trishaweston]

Thanks for all the replies. I really need the advice.

 

SpaceRitual, we live in a pretty rural area, but what difference would that make?

 

Yes, Sincere, I understand your point. Legally we could get together, but who would do that? Who would hook up with their own sb? That's really gross! So yes, 'technically' I get what you are saying, but I honestly can't believe my bf would even THINK something like that! He knows I'm a christian, and after all this time together I would hope he wouldn't even be thinking such a crazy thing. I have had plenty of opportunity to cheat on him if I wanted to, but I haven't and he knows I would never do that. Why would I now with my own brother? It honestly disturbs me that he would even think this.

 

Not to mention that we are both virgins and are saving ourselves for marriage. Both of us are committed christians and after a lot of early temptations where things got a little out of hand, we both decided not to go beyond the 'making out' stage. So for me to do anything with my own sb would be even more weird than normal. I wouldn't do anything with ANY guy (except my bf, and AFTER we are married). Any my bf knows this (or so I assumed).

 

And preraph. I can appreciate what you are saying about being modest around my sb, but I didn't mention our living situation. Our rooms are both downstairs and we have our own living room and bathroom. It's kind of like an apt now, more than a basement. We even have a pool table and a hot tub. Originally it was supposed to be a rental, until my stepdad married my mom. So it's hard to always be modest, impossible really. When we first started living together, I tried always remembering to wear a towel going to and from the shower, but after awhile it didn't seem to matter. We got so used to living together and accidently saw each so many times, that eventually we came to feel like a true brother-sister and didn't really care anymore. We even make jokes about each other's underwear now, it's all good. But I get your point. I can understand why this might bother my bf a little bit, but I still think he goes a bit overboard. Every time he texts me now he is asking what I'm wearing and can my brother see me. It's very annoying and I feel weird having him tell me what I can wear in my own home, even in my own bedroom.

 

I think the point here is to help my bf see that my own brother is not a "threat". I would think I wouldn't have to do that, but since my first post I've been going over my FB msgs he must have read and thinking about some things that happened right before he started asking questions, and I can perhaps see why he might think something so crazy. Going over my last few FB conversations with my sb, I could see how someone who didn't know us well, or our relationship, might think they were "flirty". And right before he started acting suspicious there were a few "incidents" that seemed to bother him. Nothing that any "normal" person would be suspicious about, but apparently it bothered him and I could tell he was jealous. I think I'm going to confront about this tomorrow and see if any of that had anything to do with this.

 

Anyways, thanks for all the advice, and I'll let you all know how it goes!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

C'mon, you are admitting to FAR more intimate familiarity with your step brother than is appropriate.

 

 

And to somehow justify that to yourself, you are suggesting that it is your boyfriend who is wrong about all of this.

 

 

The line: "who would do that (with their own step brother)?" does not justify your own admitted behavior.

 

Had this same step brother been the creepy-seeming guy who sits alone in the corner of the lunch room every day, we're betting you wouldn't be happily (and even eagerly) parading around him in far less attire than is appropriate.

 

 

Finally, and in answer to your question, let me bring you the following threads from Loveshack:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/252533-my-step-sister-acting-weird

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/398676-dating-your-step-sister-morally-wrong

 

 

 

So, we here have no stake in whether you keep your boyfriend, break-up with your boyfriend, or even date your step brother... but as sure as I am that it is fair that step-siblings who were in the past thrust into the same 'family' through no fault of their own, might evolve to become attracted to one another sexually, I am sure that you and your step-brother are not immune to that possibility.

 

 

Thus, the boyfriend's concerns, while hopefully largely self-induced, are reasonable given all that you've told us.

 

 

And you still didn't clarify whether it is indeed you and the step brother who have been together for 4 years (as well as you and the boyfriend).

 

(doing the math: you were 14, and the now step-brother was 15 when you first landed in the same family, and under the same roof) Even IF YOU are the epitome of a good girl, we still have no assurances that the step brother wouldn't love to butter your biscuits. So there are a few other angles to consider here aside from the one which makes what IS a sincere effort to win us over with your good intentions )

[The Way I Am]

I thought your bf was crazy til I got where you finally said your brother is actually your step brother. Then it completely made sense.

 

Who would hook up with their own sb? That's really gross!

 

I had a friend in high school who did that. It was gross. I'm glad you think it's gross too, but it does happen.

 

It sounds like him becoming your step brother is a relatively recent development. How long has he been your sb?

 

When we first started living together, I tried always remembering to wear a towel going to and from the shower, but after awhile it didn't seem to matter. We got so used to living together and accidently saw each so many times, that eventually we came to feel like a true brother-sister and didn't really care anymore.

Yeah... this sounds fishy. I lived with 3 guys for 3-4 years and never once accidentally saw any of them not fully clothed. It's hard for me to imagine just forgetting to cover myself to and from the shower when I know some guy who shouldn't be seeing me that way is around.

 

And walking around in your underwear around even blood related family of the opposite sex once you've hit puberty seems inappropriate to me.

 

I can understand why your bf was a bit freaked out by that.

 

Why would I now with my own brother? It honestly disturbs me that he would even think this.

Ask your bf why he's now asking you these questions. It's possible he wasn't looking at your messages but he heard a rumor or something.

 

In rural areas, people tend to know more than they should about other people and rumors get around quickly. Teenaged guys can say perverted stuff to try to impress their friends. Your sb might not think so chastely about you and might have said something that got around to (and possibly distorted on the way to) your bf.

Edited December 23, 2015 by The Way I Am

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for all the replies. I really need the advice.

 

SpaceRitual, we live in a pretty rural area, but what difference would that make?

 

Because you come across as being a bit naive in a rural type of sense.

[Space Ritual]

In rural areas, people tend to know more than they should about other people and rumors get around quickly. Teenaged guys can say perverted stuff to try to impress their friends. Your sb might not think so chastely about you and might have said something that got around to (and possibly distorted on the way to) your bf.

 

This was exactly what I was trying to say earlier today after the original post. Thank you for putting it far more eloquently than I

[Buddhist]

Well, I lived in a house with 3 sisters and 1 brother, all blood relatives and we all used the same bathroom. Three of us shared the same bedroom. Ironically I've never seen any of my teenaged siblings naked, or in their underwear that I can recall.

 

As soon as I got to the point where you said you forgot to cover yourself with a towel when going between bathroom and bedroom I was like.....WTF? What's wrong with getting changed in the bathroom? You're parading around your house in your underwear or entirely naked in front of a teenaged guy you aren't related to. Even if you were related to him it would be weird.

 

Your excuse sounds really weak and to be honest even I think you've got a strange relationship with your step brother. It all sounds a bit worrying. My own impression of your posts is that you've deliberately paraded around in front of him half heartedly trying to start something up, and you're sounding the idea out on here.

 

You've also got some kind of 'incident' on your fb? Probably one of your friends has read that and gone and told your bf and possibly the whole town. You're 18, not 6, the time for getting about in your undies is well and truly over. You're living with a guy-friend, not a [true] sibling. Your behaviour is really inappropriate and I actually think subconsciously or consciously deliberate because you are attracted to him.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Buddhist

[MidnightDream]

My parents are step siblings. They fell in love then their parents met each other and also fell in love, so they never had the 'sibling bond' but it is very possible to hook up with your step sibling.

 

I totally understand why your boyfriend is freaking out. Maybe he is taking it too far but either way, you can legally have hook up with your brother, and you have admitted he's good looking... And you live with him?

 

You might need to set boundaries.

 

Also: you're not fooling us. If you really didn't want your step brother to see you naked, you could of avoided it easily.

Edited December 23, 2015 by MidnightDream

[Poutrew]

Trish, if it's ok to walk around naked, then why bother getting dressed when you go outside? After all, it's only the neighbors that will see you in your birthday suit, and they have seen you since you were a baby...right? Proper boundaries, young lady. You are learning the consequences of not setting proper boundaries.... as far as what your BF has heard, he didn't have to be snooping your FB account. Your brother could have been talking, ok, bragging about how much he has seen of you...you refer about possibly saying something to a FB friend - could that have gotten back to the BF? By the time your BF heard it, it could have been magnified into you and your step-bro having wild, drug fueled orgies in the fields, like, Children Of The Corn type stuff. Your BF is rightly concerned, I'd say. You have given enough information about your situation to have any man who likes you very, very, concerned...

[trishaweston]

Thx for the replies, but I'm afraid there has been some misunderstandings.

 

First, my sb and I do NOT walk around naked in front of each other! When I said I don't put a towel on anymore after getting out of the shower, I meant over my underwear. And the same with my sb, although I admit a few times I did see him in the buff, but only for a few seconds. Tbh, I don't see why this is such a big deal. I know some other families that actually walk around nude in front of each other. Now, I know we are technically 'step', but I'm sure you can imagine how things evolved with us living so closely together. Eventually we started feeling like a real brother-sister and stuff like that didn't matter anymore. We are family now and don't think about stuff like that. We just do our thing, get ready for school, etc, and don't really even think about the fact we are in our underwear. Plus, it seems silly to me to worry about underwear when they cover about as much as today's swimwear does. We have a hot tub down here which my sb and I use it all the time, so I got used to him seeing me in my bikini, and then him seeing me in my panties didn't seem like a big deal. About the only difference is that when they are wet you can see through them, but they are lined where it counts so you can't see my private parts. Otherwise, they are just like swimwear, so I can't see any reason for concern.

 

And second, I know that legally we could get together and that people have done that, but that is sooo gross and I'm offended that my bf would even think it's a possibility. To think I would do that is like thinking I'm worse than a slut! Even the biggest hoes I know wouldn't do anything with their own brothers! It's INCEST! Now, I know there are situations like Midnight's parents, but like she said they probably never developed a sibling bond first. My brother and I have and my bf knows this. Living together, we have every opportunity to do things but not once have we succumbed to the temptation. Early on, when we first started living together, I admit we were a bit too close, we used to cuddle and there was some touching and petting, but we both realized certain lines were being crossed and we promised each other not to do it again nor to tell anyone. Since then we have grown up together and really bonded as siblings, and both of us have no desire to be anything but brother and sister. And as far as I can tell that is how we act, like any normal brother-sister, and I can't see why my bf would suspect the worst. It makes me feel really low, like he thinks I'm scum or something. Why would you even want to be with someone you think would stoop so low as to incest? If I thought that about my bf I'd probably dump him on the spot. This whole thing makes me wonder if he really loves me, because I don't see how you can even THINK about your SO like this. It just doesn't match how you should feel about the one you love.

[The Way I Am]

Allow me to summarize what you just said: My step brother and I used to mess around a bit. But how could my bf even THINK I could possibly do something like I've already done in the past?

[Space Ritual]

Paddle faster, I hear banjos.....

[VeveCakes]

Allow me to summarize what you just said: My step brother and I used to mess around a bit. But how could my bf even THINK I could possibly do something like I've already done in the past?

 

yeah, that changes things, big time!

[trishaweston]

Well, the cuddling and stuff happened FOUR years ago. We were just experimenting and it was a big mistake which we quickly realized, and it hasn't happened since. We had just met and didn't think of each other as brother-sister, like we do now. It was a long time ago and we were completely different people then. Of course we would never do anything like that now, having lived as brother and sister all this time. A lot of my friends are in blended families, and they told me that is how it usually works. There are a few kinks at first, but over time you all grow to feel like family, and love each other in that way.

 

Besides, my bf doesn't know about any of this, so what's the point? If he did, I could see how he might have some concerns, but like I said. me and my sb promised not to talk about it ever again. My bf has never seen us doing any "messing around", nor would we ever do that anyways, nor has he ever heard about it, so that couldn't be the issue. Like I said, I think it has something to do with the FB msgs he read, and I admit I recently said a few things that probably made him feel inadequate and jealous of him.

 

Do you think I should tell my brother about this? Maybe get him to talk to my bf? I'm thinking maybe this will help him see how ridiculous he is being, but I don't want to exacerbate the tension between them either. I also don't want to embarrass my bf, because I know when my brother hears about his suspicions he is going to laugh his ass off and think my bf is really weird. So I"m not quite sure about telling my brother and getting him involved. What do you think?

[VeveCakes]

Just because you didnt tell your bf doesnt mean he doesn't know or suspect. Some people are REALLY good at reading people. He may be a smart man in that department.

 

I wouldn't talk about it with your brother, I would just maybe try and put your bfs mind at ease, maybe try not to be semi naked around your brother if it makes your bf feel better. Does he spend much time with your family?

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like your bf detects this sexual tension which is clearly actually there. It might be 4 years ago you guys stopped touching each other, but if you're still walking around partially (or less) clothed in front of each other, there is clearly some boundaries that don't fully exist.

[trishaweston]

Veve, I don't understand how he could "read" something that happened for a brief time four years ago. How could he "read" that? Not to mention there is nothing to "read" because there is absolutely nothing going on between me and my brother. So apparently he is not that smart in this department. He has to be just imagining stuff, not "reading" anything, because as far as I can tell there is really nothing to read.

 

As far as him spending time with us, yes, like I said, this fall he moved back here to go to college, so he's been coming over a lot. It wasn't long before I started noticing something by his body language, then last week he started asking lots of questions. It started with the underwear issue, then he started asking me if I "wanted" him, then have we "done anything" together. I was surprised because I already made it very clear to him that my feelings for my brother were normal and not at all like my feelings for him, and I've told him that my sb is dating, which would imply that he's unavailable, but he kept asking like he didn't trust me anymore. Like I said, I can only surmise he must have taken something in the wrong way when he snooped on my FB, or else he must be overreacting to something I said recently.

 

If I shouldn't tell my brother then what else should I do to put my bf's mind at ease? Because it's really straining us right now and it's getting really annoying. Today he actually got jealous over a little tickling, and yesterday he started actually giving me "rules", like no more getting in the hot tub with him unless he's there. wtf?! I mean, I know I love him and want to be with him forever, but rules for when I'm in my own house?!?!?! This just doesn't seem right to me.

 

What should I do?

[GunslingerRoland]

It started with the underwear issue, then he started asking me if I "wanted" him, then have we "done anything" together.

 

But the whole fact is, even if it was 4 years ago, you had to lie, when you gave him this answer. That isn't normal, in spite of you jumping up and down and saying it is.

[The Way I Am]

There's obviously something your bf is picking up on. Just because you don't see it or choose not to see it doesn't mean it's not there.

 

Your whole underwear vs swimsuit argument is BS. If I went to the pool, my neighbor's would all see me in basically the same thing as my underwear. But I'm not going to walk outside in my underwear. That would be inappropriate.

 

 

Unless you would actually walk around any random stranger in your underwear, then no you don't see that as the same thing as a swimming suit. You make an exception for a man who it's inappropriate for you to make that exception for.

 

 

Is the "some families walk around naked" argument really what you want to justify it with? Just because some families are *really* creepy inappropriate doesn't mean what you're doing is fine.

 

 

Many people will probably disagree, but I think the right thing to do is to tell your bf about your history. There's nothing more frustrating than being able to sense something off involving your partner and having them deny there's anything to it when there really is. You'll probably lose your bf by telling, but I don't think you'll have a very good relationship by keeping the past a secret.

[Space Ritual]

Besides, my bf doesn't know about any of this, so what's the point? If he did, I could see how he might have some concerns, but like I said. me and my sb promised not to talk about it ever again.

 

Oh I wouldn't bet on that.

Anyone can promise you anything, but I am pretty sure Step Brother probably told somebody at some point. And Boyfriend got wind of it. You are in a no win situation and nothing is going to change. Time to break up with your boyfriend.

 

Actually I feel sorry for you to some degree simply because you really don't see much wrong with anything other than your boyfriend being upset. And that being the case, you would be showing him the greatest act of kindness you ever could by letting him go.

 

Good luck:)