Miscarriage Depression and Cheating

[ShatteredLady]

The OP said & asked, quote :

 

"The only reason i am still here is because this is so out of character and it all started when she suffered the miscarriage back in April 2015 until now.

 

This my story and looking for help and advice . I truly love this girl and dont want to give up on her . She wants to make us work and will do anything now she got the shock when i packed her suitcase and she understands i am ready to walk away so my question is this

 

 

She is suffering from depression and claims she feels worthless and emotionless do i get her the help she needs and try and move past what she has done or is there to much water under the bridge and decide to let her go and move on with my life ?"

 

 

Based on this I gave my opinion in a couple of posts. I've already said that only he can know what he can take. If & it is an IF she has had some kind of self-destructive breakdown (which the OP himself indicates) I would be very worried about what her next step would be. I said "I'm bias". I know I am.

 

I'm not trying to blackmail him into anything. I'm voicing genuine concern. The mind is a very fragile thing in my experience. I believe what I say. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[fellini]

I said it was opinion.

 

Now it is you acting like the law of LS telling me what I have the right to say and not say in my posts.

 

I said very clearly I was expressing my opinion. Where do you get off saying I said anything otherwise.

 

I'm sorry but you need to stop acting like you are the law of the land here. You don't get to decide what is or is not acceptable.

 

To me it doesn't matter if they were together 100 years and she didn't cheat for 99 of them. What matters is she chose to cheat now.

 

You can disagree with that all you want, but please don't act like it is an unacceptable line of thought because not everyone thinks like you.

 

For 6 yrs. she didn't cheat, good for her. Yet then she did and no a miscarriage is no excuse. It wasn't even a one time thing but an ongoing affair. The OP is better off without this person in his life. She doesn't love him or respect him.

Edited December 24, 2015 by fellini

[fellini]

As another poster already stated, it is fine that you disagree with me or that you do not share my opinion but you did not say that. You just declared my opinion and position as unacceptable. Who the hell are you to decide what is and isn't acceptable? Many people have ended their long term relationships over a single instance of cheating and they don't regret it. They decided that they could not stay with a person who betrayed them and that they didn't want to live in a marriage where they couldn't trust their spouse, so they divorced and went on with their lives.

 

You told me my analogy was unacceptable, so I tried to explain sincerely what I meant by that analogy only to have you came back to mock me and belittle me some more as if I hadn't explained myself and everything I say is rubbish. I don't mind people taking an opposing viewpoint and I can welcome a healthy exchange of ideas and opinions but I found your posts to me to be full of conceited arrogance and rudeness.

 

No I didn't come back and mock and belittle you. I will not go further into this because you obviously read what you want into things. I have further clarified that I said it is unacceptable position to say that it doesn't matter if 6 years of a marriage was or wasn't real, and I gave my reasons. I say these things as a BS. I wonder if you have that perspective, if you did, you would know how unacceptable it is for a BS to be told that 6 years of his/her marriage is neither here nor there. This is precisely what does matter. You don't think so, fine. I find it unacceptable

 

You might have a look back on some of your own posts, for example, when you replied to a poster "This is silly". (Those exact words)

or "I don't think it's fair to say ...." or "You sound kind of crazy". EXACT words, none taken out of context.

 

Are you telling me these personal comments about posters are "acceptable" but my use of the word "unacceptable" about a post are not?

 

So perhaps had I said "I don't think it's acceptable to say" and "I don't think PTSD is a fair analogy" you would be good with that? Because that is a paraphrase of what I said. Since when are the words fair / unacceptable "unfair" or "unacceptable" words to use in our posts?

Edited December 24, 2015 by fellini

[fellini]

So OP. Going forward.

 

Taking the 6 years you say were great, and now this, you have a number of choices at your disposal.

 

Walk away.

Stay and fight for your marriage, and help her with her journey to fix herself (whatever that objective might be)

 

Make a temporary commitment to reconciliation and see where that goes, giving yourself benchmarks for staying/leaving. Glass recommends 3 months minimum before making a decision, then if things are moving along as you think they should 3 more, etc.

 

Inside these three months there will be at least two dimensions in the process of making a decision: HOW she is working through her issues with the infidelity and how you are dealing with the impact on your self esteem and happiness as a betrayed spouse. EITHER of these can lead you to give up.

 

You probably already know which of these options and paths you are prepared to take.

[Spectre]

however...ultimately it is HIS decision

and what you think...or what i think...is totally irrelevant.

 

Seeking professional help is the ONE thing we should all be agreeing on....and to say problems or issues can NEVER be fixed...is absolutely ridiculous.

 

It may take time and patience and understanding ....but issues can often be resolved..

 

So may I ask you why you feel the need to point out what I said was ridiculous, but the person basically saying "she might kill herself if you leave" isn't saying ridiculous things? Note that it doesn't have to be false to be ridiculous.

 

I personally find it utterly ridiculous and disgusting to try to guilt someone into staying. Do you or do you not feel this is an equally ridiculous thing to do?

[Spectre]

The OP said & asked, quote :

 

"The only reason i am still here is because this is so out of character and it all started when she suffered the miscarriage back in April 2015 until now.

 

This my story and looking for help and advice . I truly love this girl and dont want to give up on her . She wants to make us work and will do anything now she got the shock when i packed her suitcase and she understands i am ready to walk away so my question is this

 

 

She is suffering from depression and claims she feels worthless and emotionless do i get her the help she needs and try and move past what she has done or is there to much water under the bridge and decide to let her go and move on with my life ?"

 

Lady nearly every single person that comes here to talk about being cheated on usually has a spiel about how this is so not like their significant other.

 

I'm not trying to blackmail him into anything. I'm voicing genuine concern. The mind is a very fragile thing in my experience. I believe what I say. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

 

But you're trying to guilt him into it so just say what you mean. When you are saying "better safe then sorry" you are telling him to stay with this woman who utterly betrayed him in the worst way because if he doesn't stay with her she might kill herself.

 

But we can take this another route: sometimes mental illness is well hidden. Thus by your logic no person should ever leave a cheater because you never know if they will kill themselves, right? Especially if they have children and since you also mentioned murdering children well then leaving a cheater you have kids with would be even worse. So given the complexities involved with mental illness then your advice should just be applied to all cheaters, would you not agree? Or do you disagree with me when I say sometimes mental illness can be hidden deep down? Better safe then sorry, correct?

Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre

[No Limit]

She's getting messy. This isn't just depression anymore, she's out of control now. You should really just leave already, chances are that she'll either stay the way she is now or someday when she's hit the bottom of the barrel she'll finally seek professional help - but this is years from now, and it will never happen so long as she's not getting any consequences out of her actions.

 

And helping her isn't your job - you can't even if you tried, it's her decision and so far she's enjoying the ride(s). And your lifetime is way to precious to waste it on someone who has lost her mind (at least in parts).

[ShatteredLady]

This post seems to be turning into a lot of arguments that aren't really about expressing our experiences or answering the OPs questions anymore. Does it matter that much to be right or wrong?

 

I believe (just me, just my view) that people can have severe mental problems after huge life altering experiences. I believe people can get 'sick' & self destructive & I believe that people can get better. You can take care of someone & make sure that they receive the correct mental care IF they need it without remaining married to them.

 

The OP came here asking if he can do anything to save his marriage with the woman he loves.

 

"She is suffering from depression and claims she feels worthless and emotionless do i get her the help she needs and try and move past what she has done or is there to much water under the bridge and decide to let her go and move on with my life ?"

 

She is punishing someone with her behavior. As I said, the OP doesn't need to answer out loud but it needs thought. Why were they fighting & splitting-up after they lost their baby? If she blames him & is punishing him that's one thing. If she's self destructive & punishing herself its concerning.

 

We all bring different life experiences & view points. That's the good thing about forums.

Edited December 24, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[Spectre]

So then you just confuse me because you say you can get someone the mental care they need without remaining married to them. So then what on earth was all your "better safe then sorry" thing you kept saying? Since to me that does not sound like you are saying "you should get her some mental care, better safe then sorry" but rather "stay with her so she doesn't kill herself, better safe then sorry".

 

If you meant the former I apologize, but the latter is just crazy IMO. If he wants to stay with her to be with her that is one thing, but he should not stay in a relationship with her just to help her mental health. That isn't fair to him. I guess I will just ask straight out: were you or were you not suggesting he stay with her(even temporarily) merely due to her mental health? I just can't imagine anyone would suggest this man suffer further just so the wife can mentally heal. So maybe I misunderstood.

 

My advice to the OP is to move past this by getting this woman out of his life. If this woman handles serious emotional issues in her life via cheating then there is no point to stay. Can the OP guarantee she never ever has a single mental issue again? To me he can't. What will her excuse be next time she cheats? Furthermore even if she somehow did heal this mental issue it doesn't erase what she did. Nor would it guarantee it never happens again next time something bad happens.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre

[ShatteredLady]

I think my posts in their entirety say what I had to say. We're clearly on different sides of the fence when it comes to reconciliation. I've read of others & known of couples who do recover & the cheater isn't "Once a cheat, always a cheat".

 

I choose to believe this, at the moment. reconciliation isn't for the weak of heart!

 

Post natal depression can do unimaginable things to our brains. Loosing a child, ontop of that hormonal insanity, isn't just an excuse.

 

I didnt mean to get into this. I thought that others, like me & the OP would see warning signs of something very self destructive here. It seems more than 'usual'. Oh anything I say is going to come out wrong!

 

The OP clearly says that he thinks she's got mental problems & he says he wants to work through this AND says she's giving it her all. I don't know wht else to say.

[fellini]

There are those who believe a BS should get up and walk away from his/her spouse on DDAY. Some of those people are here recommending this.

 

Some of them come right out and say it: She cheated on you, leave. Period. "More fish in the sea" mentality. Some of these hardliners will pretend to analyse the specific situation the BH is in, and, surprisingly come up with the one single conclusion every time: walk away from your cheating spouse. The conclusion is never in doubt. These types of thinkers are here too.

 

There is NOT another side to this position. Those who do not believe in divorce as the only solution to infidelity do NOT take up the opposite position as a hard position: reconciliation. It's NEVER talked about in such black and white terms as the hardliners. It's more nuanced and it's more complex.

 

So no, ShatteredLady is NOT contradicting herself at all. The "reconciliation camp" does not exist. Reconciliation is too complicated to speak of like one speaks of getting a lawyer and getting out. It depends on x, y, z, and then it depends, months later on a, b, c. It depends on d, e, f, in the BS and g, h, i, in the WS. There are huge grey areas. There are multiple unclear methods. There are unknowns.

 

Divorce for the hardliners, deal-breaking group depends only on the strength of BS to walk out and never come back.

 

i.e. We have inductive (from the specific to the general) and deductive (from the general to the specific) minds here. And never the twain shall meet.

 

A significant difference between them is that those in the former can actually reach the same conclusion as the latter, but the opposite will never be true, because the premise is always, and has always been, and always will be divorce as the only conclusion. That the analysis obfuscates this reality is merely a characteristic of being in the hardliner deal breaker camp.

Edited December 25, 2015 by fellini

[spanz1]

time to move on. don't spend any more time worrying about this slut.

 

 

And NO SEX with her without a condom, who knows what she will try to trap you into doing while her other men as screwing her.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Any update at all?