This one is a doozy...

[BambooPanda]

Hello all,

This is my first time here and I'd like to get some insight into my situation especially from the female side. A different perspective.

 

It's a very complicated one to say the least so I'll be as to the point as possible:

 

2 years ago we met and were very much just friends. She was in a 5 year relationship that was going south.

 

We ended up hooking up and were to just leave it at that. But...connection became too strong and we spent more and more time together. This continued for another 6 months before I ended it amicably as I did not want to ask her to leave her relationship. I wanted her to want to leave it on her own accord.

 

She did do it and we started hanging out again. However she got cold feet and went back to him. I ended it again. It was near 2014/15 xmas. Throughout xmas we did keep in touch and, as it happened in the beginning, we started to get together. the feelings were very strong and the love was definitely there. This went on until February where she, the boyfriend and a couple of her friends went to SE Asia for 6 weeks. The boyfriend was only going for 3 of those weeks. Originally he was not going at all but he bought a ticket. She was not impressed as she wanted that time with her friends to get away. Something that I supported wholeheartedly.

 

The vacation did not go too well with the BF being there and she texted or called me nearly every day. By the end of the trip she knew that she did not want her relationship to continue. She ended things with him for good when she returned, and then came to me and said "are we ready to do this?"

 

Fast forward 1 month later. She became withdrawn and cold. I had a real heart to heart with her and basically said she needs to take time out to heal from her relationship whether she admitted it or not; and that it would only destroy us if we tried to force it. We left it at that.

 

Since that time, we were and are not together although we have talked, hung out casually and have slept together. That slowed down when she met someone new. They started out as friends and feeling developed. When I learned of this I backed away and just let things go how they go. She would always be the one to contact me and ask me to do things and that was fine. Dating is about seeing other people and I understood that.

 

Now, here we are today. The guy she met and herself do love each other, but he is leaving for 6 months to travel and they have decided not to wait for each other nor pursue the relationship any further after he leaves.

 

It is fair to say that we both went through some changes and some soul searching after our "breakup" and we have always been in constant contact.

She is over her 5 year relationship and that guy is now happy with a new girlfriend. During the summer she worked on her demons inside and got all of her "I'm Free" phase done and has said that she is starting to want something more stable again. We have expressed to each other that we want each other in our lives.

 

Now to the situation at hand. We went out last night and had a talk. I said that, going forward, it was only fair to tell her I do love her and the feelings are still very much there; and if we are to be hanging out my intention is not "just friends". After this long I believe we are past that.

I also said that if she does not agree then I would understand if we needed to separate for a time to get over those feelings. Her reply was that she did not have to think about it and she still wants to continue to see each other.

 

I told her to do what she needs to do regarding the guy she has been seeing and to let that situation come to its conclusion first and foremost.

 

I feel like we are on the verge of making something more solid this time around and I'd like your thoughts, good or bad/for or against.

 

Thank you and sorry for the essay

[66Charger]

She is a seriel cheater and you are delusional.

[anika99]

Have to agree with charger. This woman had no problem cheating and lying to her BF for at least a year and then when she was finally free to be with you she cheated on you with another guy, or was she cheating on him with you? In any case she has no problem with lies and dishonesty when it comes to serving herself. You are just her back up guy. Her boyfriend is leaving and she can't spend a moment being single because her self worth is dependent on validation from men. So she will be with you right now but she will continue to shop around for mr next guy or perhaps she will make do with you until the boyfriend returns.

[PegNosePete]

If you think this will end well, you have rocks in your head.

[pidgeon1010]

You're an appetizer, not a main course. She will continue to sample everything that's out there because you'll never be filling enough. She's greedy, dishonest and untrustworthy and you're delusional to think anything great can come out of a "relationship" (using the term loosely) with her.

[privategal]

Do you hear yourself?

She loves someone else.

She loves another man.

Like?

[BambooPanda]

...yep. Rosy glasses suck.

I'm pretty thick skinned so all of your comments are taken well and seriously.

Guess we all need a kick in the nuts from time to time, also some validation to what we are thinking from people that are unbiased.

The situation seems stupid I know, but perhaps it was needed to put "pen to paper" (or fingers to keyboard) in order to get moving in a different direction.

 

Thank you for posting.

[didithappen]

Karma is a bitch isn't it? It sounds like you knowingly got involved with a girl in a relationship. Whether it was a good one or not, she cheated and you were complicit in that. Do you think that if you become "exclusive" she will not do the same thing a year down the line? Cheater's never learn, and you've gotten yourself in bed with one. Have fun! My advice would be to pursue someone with a more sound moral compass.

 

I mean she did lie to her boyfriend for how long while seeing you? If she's capable of that level of secrecy and distrust, I think that's a huge red flag.

 

Hello all,

Dating is about seeing other people and I understood that.

(

 

Since when was dating just about seeing other people?

[BambooPanda]

To all of the comments...

As I've said above, a good bit of non-biased opinion is appreciated.

 

It is impossible to go through all of the details as I'd be here forever writing about it. Why I did what I did was not good at all. I had hope in the impossible.

 

To "didithappen":

I do hear what you are saying and you are right. I put myself in a situation where I would get hurt. That fact is one that I have no problem putting my hand up and taking my lumps for. Love makes us do spectacular things; but also very detrimental things.

 

The definition of Karma is not about an eye for an eye. It is never the universe getting back at someone for their past deeds. It is the individual creating or being a part of a situation that nurtures the possibility of a negative or positive outcome. Sorry but the term "Karma" is so loosely used. I put myself in a negative position, and got the negative response. I should have left and stayed gone. But I fell in love. The only thing now is what I'm going to do about it..

 

After the first few comments you all have posted, I had myself a little breakdown. The next night she called up and asked to hang out. When she came over I said that it would not be a hang out session and that there were things I needed to say.

 

I felt like I was a third person watching myself talk because I couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth. I told her I was done. No calls, no hanging out, no texting or social media. In fact I blocked her from all of that, even my phone (thank you iPhone for call blocking). No games, lies and deceit; and there will never be an "us". I said I did love her, but not at my expense nor anyone else's. All in all it was calm, respectful and to the point as writing it here on this forum may come across as aggressive. No, she did not take it well but she understood (or so she said). From there, I took the unopened bottle of wine, put it in her bag, drove her home, gave her a hug wished her all the best.

 

I broke again when I got home but knew it was the right thing to do. So to you all that gave advice/opinions, I have to say that I made my bed, slept in it, but got out with whatever dignity I had left. So let's hope Karma starts to favour a little bit on a hard road to recovery.

 

Harsh as some of your responses were, there was no wrong, only right.

 

Now...to fill the void that effin hurts.

[BambooPanda]

Update:

Sigh there it is...I forgot about blocking my email!!

Not even a week of cutting her off, today I get:

"I miss you a lot. I understand why you don't want to talk to me, it's just hard"

"Can I have a chance to explain?"

"Why are you severing all ties"

 

No, no and no!

Don't even know why I'm writing here. Mostly to vent and also to not reply to her at all.

In all honesty, instead of making me feel the "want" and "hope"...it's made me pretty annoyed. To me, that's a good sign.

 

Seriously...thank you to the above comments. The clarity is relief to say the least.

To all others looking for answers...there are none but what's within yourself. Stay strong.

 

Sorry, rant over.

[PegNosePete]

No problem with ranting! Better to do it here than to respond to her.

 

Yes, her emails are simply trying to get your attention and to gte you to respond in any way possible.

 

Keep the faith and the NC!!

[BambooPanda]

Hi all,

So many of us come here to vent and seek advice but we sometimes forget the strangers that helped us out, and were honest in their opinions

 

So...I'm just going to give a little update on this thread, as I hope (or perhaps do not hope!), that some are relating in some way; and give a little thanks.

 

Past is past and no, never is it a good position to be "the other man, or woman". Whatever the reason or circumstance going forward and moving on is the goal for us.

 

I admit that I have not followed the norm of getting a new hobby, or going to the gym more etc etc as is the general advice. I will still do that but in my own time and when I feel ready. But, that route is what is working for me and not necessarily will work for others. I chose to feel what I felt and allowed myself to be sad and just sit through it. JUST DON'T PICK UP THAT PHONE!!

 

Since blocking my "ex", it has been a struggle that gets easier and easier. I still may see a photo of her on a mutual friends' post that puts a dig in my chest but...it is waning. Plus we have to remember, sometime social media is a reflection of what others WANT you to see, not necessarily what the truth is.

 

I have found for myself that as soon as that first glimpse of recovery happens and you recognize it, it starts to snowball. The trick really is to recognize it, congratulate yourself on it, and keep the snowball rolling. Positive thoughts and celebrating your own wins (large or small) in your recovery is so important.

 

Although it has only been a few weeks for me since I decided to walk away, there has been a difference. If it helps any of you, I went through quite a few sayings and quotes to help myself along but settled on 2. I have them on my phone as a screensaver and a constant reminder of what to think about:

 

First few weeks was "Silence is better than bulls**t". So very true. Do you want to hear the breadcrumbs? Is anything you say going to make things miraculously different? For their treatment of you, do they get the privilege of knowing what is going on in your life?....nope, and not any more. You save that for yourself and share it, in time, with someone who deserves it.

 

The last couple of weeks, once I got a little accustomed to not speaking to her every day, has been: "Win the day": This is my reminder that I do not need to look at tomorrow. When the end of the day comes, and I have not thought about trying to contact her; or sought to see what she's up to etc etc...I've won for myself that day. Tomorrow starts again. For me it has helped tremendously as well as quickly.

 

To those who are just fresh out of a breakup...just win one day and congratulate yourself at the end. Feel good about it because you did that for yourself and made it.

 

Although I did not break this time, I had my moments, phone in hand, cursor over the "unblock" button...what saved me was that I hesitated so long that I had a phone call come in lol. I took it as an omen and abandoned the "unblock" button. I actually went out for a beer truth be told.

 

The last thing that I want to say is please please please do not use NC as a means to get an ex back. So many threads here on that fact alone.

If you are struggling with it, that is very ok. It's not meant to be easy and never is.

 

I can only let you know how I am going through it and if it helps you any, I failed miserably at NC the first few times. But this time I looked at it as a time for me to take a break. I made it MY decision and truly took it to heart that I needed clarity. In a sense I made it as though "I dumped her" not the other way around even though the details of which were messy.

 

So ya...I just thought I'd share a little bit. Maybe some of these points will work for you or maybe not. We're all different but we all hurt. And that's more than ok...that's human

[Been]

Can I ask you something?

Why do you feel she would treat you different then her ex boyfriend?She cheated on him and you act shocked she cheated on you.

She's trash. And deep down you know it. Your just getting caught up in the drama.

[BambooPanda]

Absolutely you can ask. And it's a great question that I've been going over with myself.

 

But the thing is why do some people become the other man or woman? Why do some knowingly get into situations like that? And why do some accept being a part of the cheating? There's a whole section on this site dedicated to that topic alone (in hindsight maybe I shoulda posted this there sorry)

 

I don't have a clear answer and I won't justify it for the sake of argument.

Because there is no justification. It was a bad choice.

You, and others, may call her trash but I can't say that of her. ****ty mistakes and bad decisions? Yes. On both sides. Yes I just defended her. She does not know what she wants or where she is going; but she isn't inherently evil. I get that it's hard to believe looking in. It is, however, comments like yours that are good because it Spurs more thought to move me forward. Her not being evil does not mean that I want back in, it means that I'm not being a part of it.

 

Ignoring the consequences because it felt so good to connect to someone and having that small glimpse of what it COULD have been like was the drug for me.

 

I'd go so far as to say that maybe it wasn't her as an individual,, but what I wanted because I'd seen bits and pieces of the things I liked. You don't know my past and the hurt in it; and I'd never would take offence to the things you or anyone says because of that. Sometimes I guess you want something so bad that you lose yourself and your respect. "Snowballing" in the wrong direction.

 

Logically speaking, being a part of that whole thing makes me trash too.

And caught up in the drama? Yup.

 

So to say I was shocked? No. Because you hit it on the head that deep down although I may have known that it wouldn't work, not because she's "trash". I didn't acknowledge it because, at the time, it was what I wanted. It felt good and I thrived in it as wrong as it was. Selfish to the core and really believed it would change. We did definitely have great aspects of each other that complimented us. But...that's not enough when we started on a lie.

 

She can do what she needs to accept her part or she can go on ignoring it. That's her deal.

Mine is to get better and not be a ****ty person again. 'Cause let's face it, for my acceptance of it all, I most definitely was.

 

It still doesn't make this process easy regardless of the situation.

 

Thanks for your question

[Been]

A person who shows a history of cheating usually doesn't stop.

You met her. She was with someone. She didn't care. She replaced him with you. Then she ended up doing the same thing to you. It's a pattern.

Ask you one more question:if this was a friend and not you in this situation what would you honestly tell him to do?

[BambooPanda]

That pattern is clear...now.

What I am saying is that realizations are coming in two fold about the whole thing and its not to be revisited by me.

Getting through it personally is still a process regardless.

I am also saying that whatever she is or is thinking, doing or being is no longer a concern of mine BECAUSE of the realizations.

 

Although I actually appreciate your sentiments and straight-talk, I have already come to see all the wrongs we (and I stress WE) did. Hence me cutting it all off, stopping the toxic cycle, and making amends to myself for the wrong that I did in it.

 

As for your question, someone beat you to it lol! Ironically...it was a different ex girlfriend that said it, and continues to support me every day. And was part of what kicked me forward.

 

On a side note: That other ex is one story (4 years in the making) that is a happy ending. They DO exist!