Affair and mental issues

[srife27]

All,

 

I have recently found out my wife of 2 years is having an affair. Now before I get too ahead of myself. We are not a typical married couple we fight maybe once a year just generally get along great like if soul mates existed we would be the definition. We have two children that we both love very much. We've always been thought of as different as we are kinda progressive and uncommon.

 

Now for the meat my wife is currently having an affair with another man. The brief explanation is that she just feels unhappy. She still loves me and doesn't want the home life to change but her affair is keeping her mind in a better place that allows her to function at home. She has a history with being manic and bi-polar. I wish to reconcile back to a monogamous marriage. She has agreed to therapy with me. She hopes things will work out but there is not guarantee and we both accept that. However, typical advice has led to is she is continuing the affair then she doesn't want to reconcile leave her. While this in a normal situation is correct. I am asking for open minds here. If i were to force her to quit the affair she would get angry, resent me, be miserable with the kids, and probably find a way to do it behind my back just out of spite. How should i cope with this ongoing affair as we go through therapy to find the true disconnect for her. She has stated everything is fine there is just one "wire loose" and that wire seems to be happiness. She loves me. I show her plenty of care but theres just a switch in her head and its flipped currently.

[privategal]

Oh my. It would take a great deal of strength to get through the affair ongoing and try to be the same. Are you this calm?

Can't you seperate?

[purplesorrow]

How can she truly reconnect to you if she is involved with her ap?

[Bryanp]

You have got to be kidding me.

You have been married only two years with children and she is continuing to have a sexual affair in front of you because she is unhappy? Your wife has no idea what a marriage is and clearly had no problem putting your health at risk for STD's. What kind of a role model is this for your children?

 

You are in big time denial. Your wife must have realized that clearly there are no consequences to her actions and that you would meekly accept this situation. Your wife has no respect for you or your relationship. She seems to easily be able to manipulate you and you seek all sorts of excuses to justify her cheating on you.

 

Why would you wife have any respect for a husband that agrees to allow her to screw her brains out with her lover and then come back to you. I seriously suggest that you seek out therapy to understand why you are so accepting of this.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See an attorney to understand your options.

 

Why do you feel that you deserve such humiliation and disrespect from a spouse of only 2 years?

[bubbaganoosh]

If i were to force her to quit the affair she would get angry, resent me, be miserable with the kids, and probably find a way to do it behind my back just out of spite. How should i cope with this ongoing affair as we go through therapy to find the true disconnect for her. She has stated everything is fine there is just one "wire loose" and that wire seems to be happiness. She loves me. I show her plenty of care but theres just a switch in her head and its flipped currently.

 

So what? Let her get angry and then tell her to haul her sorry ass out of the house. The problem is your letting her have her cake and eat it too and that makes you the big loser in this. Time for you to start acting like a man and take charge of the situation.

 

If it's me, I tell her that loose wire needs fixed and until she gets it right, not to come back and that switch in her head is there. It's between her legs.

 

Wise up man. She's cheating on you and running it under your nose and your letting her so your getting what you deserve.

[MuddyFootprints]

Talk with her medical professionals.

React with informed compassion.

Offer stable support.

Listen.

Launch your line somewhere else.

 

NFW are you married to a manic/bipolar wife who only fights with you once or twice a year.

Edited December 23, 2015 by MuddyFootprints

[whichwayisup]

All,

 

I have recently found out my wife of 2 years is having an affair. Now before I get too ahead of myself. We are not a typical married couple we fight maybe once a year just generally get along great like if soul mates existed we would be the definition. We have two children that we both love very much. We've always been thought of as different as we are kinda progressive and uncommon.

 

Now for the meat my wife is currently having an affair with another man. The brief explanation is that she just feels unhappy. She still loves me and doesn't want the home life to change but her affair is keeping her mind in a better place that allows her to function at home. She has a history with being manic and bi-polar. I wish to reconcile back to a monogamous marriage. She has agreed to therapy with me. She hopes things will work out but there is not guarantee and we both accept that. However, typical advice has led to is she is continuing the affair then she doesn't want to reconcile leave her. While this in a normal situation is correct. I am asking for open minds here. If i were to force her to quit the affair she would get angry, resent me, be miserable with the kids, and probably find a way to do it behind my back just out of spite. How should i cope with this ongoing affair as we go through therapy to find the true disconnect for her. She has stated everything is fine there is just one "wire loose" and that wire seems to be happiness. She loves me. I show her plenty of care but theres just a switch in her head and its flipped currently.

 

Using her mental illness as an excuse to keep cheating is a bunch of bullcrap. All that does is keep her 'high' going and using another person to make her feel good and happy. She has to be on meds and do therapy for her bp/depression, learn how to mediate, do yoga and find excitement with you, the kids and life in general, not another man. IF that OM ends it with her first she will fall apart ... and what, find another OM to fill that void? She is using that fluttery heart feelings to fulfill her but it's built on lies and false pretenses ALL on the expense of you.

 

She can love you all you want but her having both you and the OM is not fair to you as she is investing emotionally and physically him in and not in you. It takes away from the family and her being an invested mom in her family life. She's putting herself first above you and the kids. Mental illness or not, it's not right.

 

Are you considering having an open marriage for an amount of time until she wakes up and feels better so she won't need another man to make her feel complete and happy? You should be enough. She's manipulating you and being selfish.

 

I know it's hard for you to take a step back and be objective but if this was your brother or best friend asking for advice, what would you tell them? Give it some thought with an open mind and then re-think your situation and take your emotions out of it, see how you feel and if you feel the same way.

Edited December 23, 2015 by whichwayisup

[anika99]

Oh I don't doubt that she will be furious if you put a stop to her fun but at least she will also gain some respect for you. Feeling respect for your partner is very important to a woman and when a woman loses respect for her man she usually falls out of love with him as well. You believe you are saving your marriage by allowing this blatant disrespect but actually you are aiding the destruction of your marriage.

 

You need to set boundaries and insist on full transparency. If your wife balks at that or becomes secretive then show her the door. She will be pissed but she will also be impressed by your show of self respect and evidence of a spine. What you are doing right now is making yourself look weak and desperate and that is never going to be attractive. You are pushing her further away.w

[lolablue17]

Everyone has the right to be happy. I, my self would like to try a life with my wife at home + affairs with temporary women, because i'm not always feel happy in my marriage. Why don't i do it? Because I love my wife and I don't want to hurt her. So I GIVE UP THIS LIFESTYLE that could have been perfect for me. How about your life?

 

1. Apparently your wife maybe loves you, but not deeply, because she is willing to take a risk losing you, but right now she isn't willing to quit the affair. A simple equation who says exactly: The affair partner is at higher priority than you. You are not at first priority. I'm not sure you are even second.

 

2. She isn't happy! Will she be happy without you? As long as you give her both worlds, why should she give up that perfect situation? Of course YOUR happiness is not something she cares about, not even a bit.

 

In your next counselling together (or today, why wait?) you can say that you're not happy( to say the least) right now, therefore you are divorcing her and start dating other women - and good luck with her affair which makes her happy.

 

This magical solution will make you both happy - She has her affair who makes her happy, and you will find a much better loving wife who will wrap her happiness together with yours.

 

You asked to give you an open minded advice. I ask you to be open minded. She'd blinded you, cast a spell on you, so now please go back to your senses for a minute.

 

The main problem is not her cheating (though it's a huge problem itself). The problem is that in your relationship, she thinks that only her happiness matters. She is so self centered that she looks through you. Your job is to provide her money, security, like you are a servant. Masters might love their servants, that's how she loves you. As her service provider.

 

As long as you don't show her the other side of the equation (losing you), she will never quit the affair... Yes, she may quit, only to have another affair with a new man, and another, and another... This is how your life going to be from now on unless you stop it here and now, immediately.

Edited December 23, 2015 by lolablue17

[Whoknew30]

I'm going to stick to your "have a open mind" statement.

 

My first question would be is she on proper Meds with proper Dr's? I know that some people when manic, are extremely sexually over active. So I'd check into that first.

 

Since she is mentally unstable & you have kids, you do have a lot to worry about so I can empathize that you can't just come at her like a neurotypical woman. Such a tough situation for you.

 

Get into therapy for you & her ASAP!.. & her into a good psychiatrist that can help her with her Meds. I'd also have a talk with OM, maybe he doesn't know her mental history. Most men would run hearing about it.

 

Good luck!

[oldshirt]

so your options are to be her gravy train and butler while she screws other men and has you foot the bill, or she stays out of other men's beds and is unhappy and resentful of you for interfering with her screwing around????

 

 

Remind me WHY you want to be around this person and why it is a good idea for you to go through all this effort and heartache and therapy and counseling etc etc etc

 

 

You are simply being played as a fool and a chump here.

 

 

Why are you trying to fix up this old junker? Do you think something this damaged and this dysfunctional can actually be repaired and can ever work right?

 

 

With half the time, energy and money that it would take for even minor improvements in her maladaptive behavior, you could find someone else that is functional and squared away.

 

 

"It's easier to give birth that it is to resurrect the dead."

 

 

- Athol Kay

[oldshirt]

someone who is angry, resentful and unhappy about the restrictions placed on them in a monogamous relationship, is not and will never be relationship material.

 

 

your options if you want to have a healthy, mutually supportive, sexually exclusive marriage are -

 

 

- let her go and find someone who is relationship/marriage material

 

 

or

 

 

- ......... ???????....... ummmmmmm???????

 

 

 

 

Well I guess that is pretty much your only option if you want a normal, healthy relationship.

 

 

 

 

Your other options are all about how to force yourself into capitulating and enduring a dysfunctional, maladaptive and miserable existence with a manipulative, unfaithful and self-centered cheater.

[oldshirt]

I'd also have a talk with OM, maybe he doesn't know her mental history. Most men would run hearing about it.

 

Yes most sensible men who have the slightest sense of self worth would run from a relationship with a woman with those issues.

 

The problem here though is any man that is knowingly banging a married woman has a 99% chance of just being in it for the free poontang. They aren't in it for an ongoing relationship and have no intentions or desire of riding off into the sunset with her.

 

The real issue here is her. She is broken and has no desire for a monogamous marriage. If he chases away this particular dude, there will just be 5 more to take his place because she is the one that's out scrounging them up.

 

If he wants to save has sanity, dignity, self respect and not have his junk rot off from STDs, HE is the one that needs to run far far away.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Your other options are all about how to force yourself into capitulating and enduring a dysfunctional, maladaptive and miserable existence with a manipulative, unfaithful and self-centered cheater.

 

I want to expand on this a little more so that you understand the big picture here.

 

All that the therapy and the counseling and the meds and doctor visits and the psyche evals etc etc will do is to work with YOU in getting you to deal with her afflictions and issues better.

 

They will not "cure" her or make her into a sane, squared away, faithful and content person. BPD and bi polar are not cured and they never go away.

 

Therapy and medication can make the mood swings of no polar not be so extreme but therapy and meds will not turn her into a kind, caring, compassionate person who is content and happy in a traditional, monogamous and mutually supportive marriage.

 

What the objectives of the couple's therapy and your IC will be is get you to a place where you can function and accept her bad behavior behavior better. It is to try to keep you from putting a bullet in your head or to keep you from tossing her out into the street and have her roaming the streets bothering decent people.

 

None of the doctors or therapists will come right out and tell you this, but it is the reality.

 

The end game for them is to get you two to a spot where you can at least tolerate her bad behavior enough that she can stay in a supervised environment and not pose an unacceptable risk to you, her or society.

 

You will never be happy or content here. You will never have a normal, sane drama-free, mutually supportive, loving, faithful marriage with her because that is not how she is wired.

 

If you stay with her you will always be battling this to one degree or another. Some days will be better, some days will be worse. But it will always be an uphill battle and you will always have days of relapses where she bolts out the door and straight into other men's beds.

 

You will always have to be watching her and always supervising her meds and her therapies and always talking her off the ledge.

 

She will be like a bad dog that the day after you think you have it heartbroken it will **** on the new carpet and will then get into the garbage, chew up your best shoes and bite the mailman.

 

The therapy is to help you live with that - not to cure it or make her into a good dog.

[srife27]

Thank you everyone for your words of guidance. After having a really good discussion with the wife last night about what the end game really is and what to expect coming out of this long journey. We came to the conclusion that its closure. Closure no matter what the outcome is what we both want. The issues themselves need to be identified. However, we are both knowing that if this is just the way life is and she is hard wired this way at least we put forth the effort to find a root cause and that it will never be the monogamous marriage I hope for. I am holding out home that there is a better underlying issue that can be solved but that's just me hoping for what I want. We've been faithful and happy for 7 years so why now is my hardest question. What is he offering that I am not. And it all comes back to its new, exciting, stress free away from home life. That is unacceptable but I want to see this therapy out to ensure that this is just how it is, how she is wired, she gets bored and moves on. Is it a mental illness, yes, can I live with that if she makes strides to take her meds and better herself and self-control probably but if she just accepts this and says hey its how I am. Then its done, I cannot live like that and she wouldn't expect me to. But at least it would offer some closure to both of us.

[Whoknew30]

Yes most sensible men who have the slightest sense of self worth would run from a relationship with a woman with those issues.

 

The problem here though is any man that is knowingly banging a married woman has a 99% chance of just being in it for the free poontang. They aren't in it for an ongoing relationship and have no intentions or desire of riding off into the sunset with her.

 

The real issue here is her. She is broken and has no desire for a monogamous marriage. If he chases away this particular dude, there will just be 5 more to take his place because she is the one that's out scrounging them up.

 

If he wants to save has sanity, dignity, self respect and not have his junk rot off from STDs, HE is the one that needs to run far far away.

 

 

He seems to love her & has kids. Mental illness mixed with kids has to be treated carefully. You don't know him or her, i go by what's written. You can give advice but you can't tell someone they "have" to do this or that, especially when you don't know how bad her mental illness is. He seemed to speak with her & knows what he can & can not put up with but if he's willing to forgive his wife & says he would want to save M if he can, then only therapy is going to help him with that.

 

Also I've seen men stay with married women that left their marriages. You never know.

[oldshirt]

 

We've been faithful and happy for 7 years so why now is my hardest question. What is he offering that I am not.

 

 

 

.

 

In my experience, husbands that that tolerate their wives mental issues and stand by them dispite bad behavior and infidelity and disrespect etc etc are often a bit naive and trusting and have trouble fathoming their wife's bad behavior and so they tend to not see what all is really happening.

 

I suspect that if you did some serious investigating, you will find that there have been other dalliances.

 

The other thing that codependents typically do is blame themselves for their partner's bad behavior or attribute some lacking on their part for their partner behavior.

 

Make no mistakes, this is on her. This is bad behavior and a character flaw on her part. You could be Brad Pitt with all the money and power in the world and have the world's highest dong and even have cute puppies and kittens for her to play with and she'd still head to other men's beds because that is how she is.

 

Yes she may have been abused as a child and yes some previous shrink may have misdiagnosed her and had her on the wrong meds at some point and she may have many loose wires, but she is still exhibiting behavior that is patently hurtful and disrespectful to you and is wrong.

 

It may not have been her fault she was molested and abused as a child but her behavior is still harmful and destructive to you now, so you are still obligated to protect yourself from further harm from her.

 

Her walking out and openly taking up with another man was bad behavior and wrong on her part and is a character flaw within her.

 

But you making excuses for it and tolerating unacceptable treatment and allowing harm and suffering to be inflicted upon yourself, is an issue within yourself.

 

She will likely never be "fixed" to where she is healthy and faithful wife material. But you can still help yourself and save yourself from the suffering of chronic mistreatment and infidelity.

[Marc878]

You're in denial of who she really is and are apparently willing to make excuses for her.

 

You have no marriage or any chance of reconciliation with another man in the mix.

 

Until you can get a grip on what's happening you will be in limbo.

 

She was the problem but now you are for not effectively dealing with it.

 

Do not mistake your situation here. You are clearly plan B.

 

Move on and regain your self respect. She has none for you.

[oldshirt]

 

Also I've seen men stay with married women that left their marriages. You never know.

 

Yes there is no shortage of weak and pathetic men that believe they have no better options than to be mistreated, disrespected and cheated on. On that note you are correct.

 

But I want better for Strife. He was the one that wrote to us for help and advice so I am going to advocate for him and his interests, not hers..

 

......and not for societies.

 

The reason I say not for societies is because society wants men to take in strays and keep them at home. If a man can keep a woman like that in a home and supervised, then she's not out on the street causing problems.

 

Other women and other wives want her at home too so she's not in their husband's or boyfriends beds.

 

The medical/psyche system wants her at home and supervised so they aren't getting called in in the middle of the night for a consult and needing to find bed space in the nuthouse.

 

The legal system wants them in homes supervised so they aren't dealing with them.

 

So where does that leave the OP?

 

If he wants to take that on, there are plenty of people offering him a pat on the back and an 'attaboy' for doing it.

 

But if he wants a sane, dramafree, chaos free and chronic dysfunction free life, his best option is to let her move on and be someone else's problem.

 

I got the impression his conversation with her was with her in the OM' s house. To me that means the chances of a successful reconciliation is zero, so why are we even talking about reconciliation????

 

Let's talk about his survival and restoring his life to some semblance of order and sanity.

Edited December 23, 2015 by oldshirt

[Whoknew30]

Yes there is no shortage of weak and pathetic men that believe they have no better options than to be mistreated, disrespected and cheated on. On that note you are correct.

 

But I want better for Strife. He was the one that wrote to us for help and advice so I am going to advocate for him and his interests, not hers..

 

......and not for societies.

 

The reason I say not for societies is because society wants men to take in strays and keep them at home. If a man can keep a woman like that in a home and supervised, then she's not out on the street causing problems.

 

Other women and other wives want her at home too so she's not in their husband's or boyfriends beds.

 

The medical/psyche system wants her at home and supervised so they aren't getting called in in the middle of the night for a consult and needing to find bed space in the nuthouse.

 

The legal system wants them in homes supervised so they aren't dealing with them.

 

So where does that leave the OP?

 

If he wants to take that on, there are plenty of people offering him a pat on the back and an 'attaboy' for doing it.

 

But if he wants a sane, dramafree, chaos free and chronic dysfunction free life, his best option is to let her move on and be someone else's problem.

 

I got the impression his conversation with her was with her in the OM' s house. To me that means the chances of a successful reconciliation is zero, so why are we even talking about reconciliation????

 

Let's talk about his survival and restoring his life to some semblance of order and sanity.

 

The reason we're talking about R is bc he's said he's not sure he wants a divorce & if can change he's willing to work on it. You can't tell someone they shouldn't give their marriage a chance if that's what they want. Maybe it won't worn but maybe it will, sometimes people need to try just to know they did everything they could, for themselves. People are so easy to say "get a divorce" well that's easy! Anyone can do that, not everyone can save their marriage & sometimes it worth it, especially when you have kids. If he can't he knows he tried for his family.

[srife27]

 

I got the impression his conversation with her was with her in the OM' s house. To me that means the chances of a successful reconciliation is zero, so why are we even talking about reconciliation????

 

 

 

These conversations I have with my wife are being held in our house. She only sees him once a week for a single day. Beyond that she is at home being the mother she should be. No the OM has not stepped foot onto our property and I have confirmation he never will. (yes I have means of knowing and checking) These heartfelt conversations about the situation are occurring under my roof and on my terms.

 

 

The reason we're talking about R is bc he's said he's not sure he wants a divorce & if can change he's willing to work on it. You can't tell someone they shouldn't give their marriage a chance if that's what they want. Maybe it won't worn but maybe it will, sometimes people need to try just to know they did everything they could, for themselves. People are so easy to say "get a divorce" well that's easy! Anyone can do that, not everyone can save their marriage & sometimes it worth it, especially when you have kids. If he can't he knows he tried for his family.

 

 

Whoknew30: Thank you this is exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to explore every possible path before making the final decision. Is it wrong, probably. But the way my mind works it makes perfect sense. Once every avenue has been explored then we can make a decision for the future.

[Whoknew30]

These conversations I have with my wife are being held in our house. She only sees him once a week for a single day. Beyond that she is at home being the mother she should be. No the OM has not stepped foot onto our property and I have confirmation he never will. (yes I have means of knowing and checking) These heartfelt conversations about the situation are occurring under my roof and on my terms.

 

 

 

 

 

Whoknew30: Thank you this is exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to explore every possible path before making the final decision. Is it wrong, probably. But the way my mind works it makes perfect sense. Once every avenue has been explored then we can make a decision for the future.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with that. You can always get a divorce but you won't always get another chance to fix it. If you can & that makes you happy, then don't let anyone tell you different. You aren't married to anyone but her & if you as a family can work it out, good for you! If you can't you'll know you tried & wont live your life with doubting that you did try. Really, good luck to you.

[oldshirt]

These conversations I have with my wife are being held in our house. She only sees him once a week for a single day. Beyond that she is at home being the mother she should be. No the OM has not stepped foot onto our property and I have confirmation he never will. (yes I have means of knowing and checking) These heartfelt conversations about the situation are occurring under my roof and on my terms.

 

 

 

 

 

Whoknew30: Thank you this is exactly what I'm trying to do. I want to explore every possible path before making the final decision. Is it wrong, probably. But the way my mind works it makes perfect sense. Once every avenue has been explored then we can make a decision for the future.

 

 

Ok I misunderstood, I thought she was at OM's house.

 

But regardless of how well you keep him off your grass, if she is going to see him AT ALL after your discussions, then it is all in vain.

 

As long as she is in contact with him at all, then all efforts at saving the marriage are for nothing.

[happyman64]

She might be wired that way but that does not excuse lies or her opening the marriage to a 3rd party without discussing it with you.

 

 

Her mental illness aside she still knows the difference between good or bad and lies and honesty.

 

 

Remember that.

 

 

Nice guys finish last. Explore the R options. That is a wise option.

 

 

Just don't excuse her behavior. She needs to own it.

 

 

HM

[srife27]

She might be wired that way but that does not excuse lies or her opening the marriage to a 3rd party without discussing it with you.

 

 

Her mental illness aside she still knows the difference between good or bad and lies and honesty.

 

 

Remember that.

 

 

Nice guys finish last. Explore the R options. That is a wise option.

 

 

Just don't excuse her behavior. She needs to own it.

 

 

HM

 

 

 

Ok I guess I should try and explain the situation a little better at least from my current perspective and frame of mind. A lot of these post are emotionally driven and not objective for obvious reason as they are about my situation. I am not excusing her behavior. She is well aware of my disdain for it and is fully accepting of the day I tell her to pack her **** and get out. She owns the fact that its wrong and selfish. I am in the process of taking the steps I can. I am working at bettering myself, becoming a better human being, better father, and better husband (for the future or with her). I am in the process of preparing for a life without her. When I say that cutting her ties with the OM would make her angry and resentful I mean that in that she would cease to seek help and end game that helps no one. I get no closure and she finds no answers to the reason she is wired this way. What I'm working through with her is more around her mental issues and finding a source. I am willing to work through this because if we find a source we may be able to reconcile once she cuts ties with OM. However, if we find source and the contact continues with OM then its done but at least I can say I tried. I want to walk through this journey with her, to support her because that's the kind of person I am and she is someone I care deeply for. Is it wrong yes. Is it selfish on her end HELL YES. She is owning her actions and I'm not excusing it or accepting it but I'm looking for advice on how to handle and discuss her mental issues in a constructive manner in between therapy sessions.