Affair and mental issues

[anika99]

Thank you everyone for your words of guidance. After having a really good discussion with the wife last night about what the end game really is and what to expect coming out of this long journey. We came to the conclusion that its closure. Closure no matter what the outcome is what we both want. The issues themselves need to be identified. However, we are both knowing that if this is just the way life is and she is hard wired this way at least we put forth the effort to find a root cause and that it will never be the monogamous marriage I hope for. I am holding out home that there is a better underlying issue that can be solved but that's just me hoping for what I want. We've been faithful and happy for 7 years so why now is my hardest question. What is he offering that I am not. And it all comes back to its new, exciting, stress free away from home life. That is unacceptable but I want to see this therapy out to ensure that this is just how it is, how she is wired, she gets bored and moves on. Is it a mental illness, yes, can I live with that if she makes strides to take her meds and better herself and self-control probably but if she just accepts this and says hey its how I am. Then its done, I cannot live like that and she wouldn't expect me to. But at least it would offer some closure to both of us.

 

This is all well and good but why does she have to continue the affair while she explores these issues? Why can't she put it aside while she honestly looks for answers. In my opinion she cannot truly work on herself or her relationship with you as long as the OM is involved and it is downright cruel of her say she wants to find answers and then openly carry on with this horrible behavior and continue to hurt you.

 

If she is saying that she will cease to work on herself or work with you then she is successfully manipulating you and you are playing right into her hand. As long as she knows she can control you with threats, she is going to make threats and those threats are going to sound convincing but I still say she will start singing a different tune if you draw a line in the sand and show her the door. I maintain that bending to your wife's manipulations is the very thing that is going to cost you your marriage in the long run. Allowing the affair to continue right under your nose is going to destroy any chance of recovering a happy monogamous relationship with her.

[Bryanp]

If I understand this correctly you are simply her second choice if her OM does not work out. Why do you value yourself so little? In addition, why would any wife respect a husband who allows her to screw her lover once a week?

 

NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE

[RightThere]

I want to walk through this journey with her, to support her because that's the kind of person I am and she is someone I care deeply for. Is it wrong yes. Is it selfish on her end HELL YES. She is owning her actions and I'm not excusing it or accepting it but I'm looking for advice on how to handle and discuss her mental issues in a constructive manner in between therapy sessions.

 

I can speak from experience in that babying the situation and walking on eggshells with your wife is doing nothing to help her. It is just continuing to enable her.

 

She's not owning her actions because she's still doing it even though you've told her it's unacceptable. What you are really saying is "I really hope you stop sleeping with this other man, but I'm not going to give you any consequences if your don't."

 

You can follow this path if you want, but I can tell you I've done it and it only leads to one place. Your wife not accepting responsibility for things and making a change. You going along with it means deep down, you are OK with someone else sleeping with your wife. Because her happiness is more important than yours. The only problem is your wife feels that her happiness is also more important than yours.

 

So if you don't care about you, it should be obvious that no one will.

 

To answer your question, keep talking to your wife and "hoping" that she'll come around and change. But if you think that "a-ha" moment is right around the corner, you are sadly mistaken. Your wife will change when she needs to change. And if you just talk about what you want and keep hoping something will happen, nothing is going to change. Your wife is going to keep having hot, sweaty, mind blowing sex with another man, and you're going to wait at home with dinner waiting to make sure she's got enough nourishment for her next date.

[RightThere]

She only sees him once a week for a single day.

 

I can assure you that is not the case.

 

No the OM has not stepped foot onto our property and I have confirmation he never will. (yes I have means of knowing and checking)

 

I bet you think you do, but I know over the next while, more truth is going to become available to you. And you just need to prepare yourself for your worst nightmares about the situation.

 

It's called "trickle-truth" and it's part of a cheater's arsenal.

[oldshirt]

Ok I guess I should try and explain the situation a little better at least from my current perspective and frame of mind. A lot of these post are emotionally driven and not objective for obvious reason as they are about my situation. I am not excusing her behavior. She is well aware of my disdain for it and is fully accepting of the day I tell her to pack her **** and get out. She owns the fact that its wrong and selfish. I am in the process of taking the steps I can. I am working at bettering myself, becoming a better human being, better father, and better husband (for the future or with her). I am in the process of preparing for a life without her. When I say that cutting her ties with the OM would make her angry and resentful I mean that in that she would cease to seek help and end game that helps no one. I get no closure and she finds no answers to the reason she is wired this way. What I'm working through with her is more around her mental issues and finding a source. I am willing to work through this because if we find a source we may be able to reconcile once she cuts ties with OM. However, if we find source and the contact continues with OM then its done but at least I can say I tried. I want to walk through this journey with her, to support her because that's the kind of person I am and she is someone I care deeply for. Is it wrong yes. Is it selfish on her end HELL YES. She is owning her actions and I'm not excusing it or accepting it but I'm looking for advice on how to handle and discuss her mental issues in a constructive manner in between therapy sessions.

 

You are making excused to yourself to justify the pain she is putting you through. You are doing your own mental contortions and gymnastics to justify the suffering, disgrace disrespect and pain you are enduring from her.

 

Even if you find the source of her mental problems, that won't fix it or make it go away. It not like culturing an infection and finding the right antibiotic that kills it. This is a behavioral and character issue. She is choosing to engage in bad behavior that she knows hurts you.

 

She is harming you. You are supporting it by letting her stay in your house, paying her bills, allowing her unrestricted access to her children and allowing her fun and excitement with the OM.

 

You say you don't like it but you are supporting it and accepting it so she has no reason to stop. She has it made, why would she give up a good deal like that?

 

You are being weak, manipulated and are being played a fool and a chump. You are being emasculated and disempowered with each passing day. The only way you could be more supportive of this affair is if you sucked the OM's junk yourself to get him hard and ready for her.

 

You think you are being understanding and compassionate and negotiable. But what you are really being is weak and gullible.

[oldshirt]

She is offering what is called "false reconciliation". She is just giving lip service to reconciliation while giving real lip service to the OM if you know what I mean.

 

She has no reason to change a thing.

 

She won't come to the negotiating table in earnest until she is divorced, living in a little apartment, only seeing her children part time, living on her own income and the OM has dumped her because he only wants a piece of azz now and then but doesn't want her full time.

 

It is only then that she will take you seriously and take therapy etc seriously.

[Mr. Lucky]

We've always been thought of as different as we are kinda progressive and uncommon.

 

There's nothing uncommon about your current situation, either in its cause or manifestation.

 

And it all comes back to its new, exciting, stress free away from home life.

 

If i were to force her to quit the affair she would get angry, resent me, be miserable with the kids, and probably find a way to do it behind my back just out of spite.

 

Again, nothing unusual about your wife's reasoning, motivation or thought process. Most WS's feel the same way and say the same things.

 

Your need to see your situation as special is a form of bargaining, a coping mechanism. Other BS do the same thing arguing their WS is a "good person", a "great parent" or "very attractive".

 

You're dealing with everyday garden-variety infidelity. Plan and act accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

She is owning her actions and I'm not excusing it or accepting it but I'm looking for advice on how to handle and discuss her mental issues in a constructive manner in between therapy sessions.

 

You post your story here on an infidelity forum and ask for no help - not even feedback - on your wife's cheating. You tell us how she is actively screwing this guy on a regular, weekly basis. You tell us you don't want to make her stop cheating because she'll get mad at you and that will upset the wonderful family life you have with your children.

 

Look, your story is disgusting to every BS on this forum. Telling it here is like waving a red flag at a bull. What do you want from us?

 

You want us to give advice on how to discuss her mental issues? Ask her therapist for Gods sake. You certainly don't need us for that...

Edited December 23, 2015 by drifter777

[Whoknew30]

You post your story here on an infidelity forum and ask for no help - not even feedback - on your wife's cheating. You tell us how she is actively screwing this guy on a regular, weekly basis. You tell us you don't want to make her stop cheating because she'll get mad at you and that will upset the wonderful family life you have with your children.

 

Look, your story is disgusting to every BS on this forum. Telling it here is like waving a red flag at a bull. What do you want from us?

 

You want us to give advice on how to discuss her mental issues? Ask her therapist for Gods sake. You certainly don't need us for that...

 

He's not disgusting. He wants advice how to handle this without everyone screaming divorce. With the mental illness part, it's a bit different than a lot of stories you read on here. He's lost.

[ladydesigner]

One thing is a FACT in this situation and that is if your WW is still active in her A, then there is no reconciliation taking place. If you are both ok with an open M...great...but that means it is open for both not just HER.

 

OP I understand that you have to worry about the mental health issues too, but I don't really agree with having to take the brunt of it all. Is your WW working towards ending her A or is she using it as a way to justify any possibility of 'losing it' when the A ends?

 

How much are you willing to tolerate OP?

[srife27]

One thing is a FACT in this situation and that is if your WW is still active in her A, then there is no reconciliation taking place. If you are both ok with an open M...great...but that means it is open for both not just HER.

 

OP I understand that you have to worry about the mental health issues too, but I don't really agree with having to take the brunt of it all. Is your WW working towards ending her A or is she using it as a way to justify any possibility of 'losing it' when the A ends?

 

How much are you willing to tolerate OP?

 

Open marriage was put on the table but I balk at it. However, she has said that in the mean time if I wish to find another she is ok with that.

 

 

I suppose that is the main issue is I'm taking the brunt of all of this. From what I can gather and what is being communicated to me from her conversations as well as the talk in therapy she is working towards ending the A. She is not just using this as a cover to justify. How much am I willing to tolerate is yet to be seen. I'm coming very close to my breaking point. She's fencing while we work through this. That I understand. I'm waiting to see when the therapist comes out and says "if you want to fix this choose a side of the fence." Only because I feel she needs that to come from a outside professional. Once that happens my foot is coming down and she will choose or I will choose for her. We are both trying to come to the root cause of this mental instability and why she took it so far.

[ladydesigner]

Open marriage was put on the table but I balk at it. However, she has said that in the mean time if I wish to find another she is ok with that.

 

 

I suppose that is the main issue is I'm taking the brunt of all of this. From what I can gather and what is being communicated to me from her conversations as well as the talk in therapy she is working towards ending the A. She is not just using this as a cover to justify. How much am I willing to tolerate is yet to be seen. I'm coming very close to my breaking point. She's fencing while we work through this. That I understand. I'm waiting to see when the therapist comes out and says "if you want to fix this choose a side of the fence." Only because I feel she needs that to come from a outside professional. Once that happens my foot is coming down and she will choose or I will choose for her. We are both trying to come to the root cause of this mental instability and why she took it so far.

 

(((srife27))) I hope this happens soon as it would break my heart knowing my WH was actively engaging in an A. You seem to be very level headed and compassionate, which is a great quality just don't let her walk all over that indefinitely

 

Also a side question, what if your WW decides that an open M is the way to go for her, would you be on board with that? What would be your limitations within an open M?

[srife27]

(((srife27))) I hope this happens soon as it would break my heart knowing my WH was actively engaging in an A. You seem to be very level headed and compassionate, which is a great quality just don't let her walk all over that indefinitely

 

Also a side question, what if your WW decides that an open M is the way to go for her, would you be on board with that? What would be your limitations within an open M?

 

 

 

I don't plan on letting this go forever just until we get to a point in therapy where she starts to realize what she is doing, find a source, or comes to terms with this not being a rational way of coping with things. I want her to find the source of her mental issues as well as why things happened the way they did. But she needs this to come from a professional at communicating and translating feelings and histories. She doesn't know why she feels the way she does but she wants to know why. (if that makes sense) I care and want to help her through this because in the end no matter what she will always be the mother of my children and I will always have some empathy for her whether her endeavors take her elsewhere or not.

 

 

In my current state of mind and honestly probably going forward. I am not on board for an open marriage. What was suggested early on was basically we each get a day or two a week to spend the with the Other leaving the home as a safe haven for the children. We would still act and be family with the children and in our home we would just have romantic and intimate relations outside the home. I do not like the idea nor am I very open to it at this point. While this could be because the waves of emotion I'm still going through and the fact that even through this I love this woman with all my heart I feel I could not feel comfortable in a situation like that. Right now as much anger as I feel I have no thoughts about finding another even out of spite. Currently (sensitivity warning) I cannot even achieve an erection or self satisfy. Sexual activity is the furthest thing from my mind. WW or otherwise.

[Sub]

I'd be worried that the toll this is taking on you, the weight of it, has long-term ramifications for your own mental health. It's admirable that you want to take the weight here for your family. But I'd be worried that your kids end up with two parents fighting demons instead of just one. I hope you know where that edge is.

 

I'm a little confused about the rationale here, on her part, for needing to keep the OM as a means of balancing her mentally/emotionally. So, once a week, she sleeps with someone else, and all is well? Have you considered asking to speak with the OM? Is he aware that you know?

[oldshirt]

So she needs to hear it from a professional therapist that screwing another man is wrong?

 

And you need to have her hear it from professional untill you can take any action of your own?

[oldshirt]

If a serial killer whacks you over the head, throws you in the back of a van, ties you up and starts getting out the dentist drill and bone saw, are you going to wait untill you find out what turned him into a serial killer and find out what is causing his mental issues before you try to defend yourself?

[Mr. Lucky]

With the mental illness part, it's a bit different than a lot of stories you read on here. He's lost.

 

The mental illness makes no difference, his wife's behavior and sense of entitlement aren't unusual at all.

 

Although I'd guess you could say every WS might be mentally ill. From entertaining the AP in the marital bed to hooking up while a child sleeps in the car, some of the behaviors described in this forum seem pathological...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

The mental illness makes no difference, his wife's behavior and sense of entitlement aren't unusual at all.

 

Although I'd guess you could say every WS might be mentally ill. From entertaining the AP in the marital bed to hooking up while a child sleeps in the car, some of the behaviors described in this forum seem pathological...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Spot on it!

 

My WH had sex with MOW on my then 6 year old son's bed once *barf*

[oldshirt]

 

With the mental illness part, it's a bit different than a lot of stories you read on here.

 

"No No difference. Only different in your mind"

 

- yoda

 

The damage and disrespect and threat of disease and threat of loss and loss of love and affection and all the other harmful effects of infidelity are the same whether the WS is completely healthy or a raving lunatic. Mental illness does not excuse or mitigate the harmful nature of adultery.

 

She knows the difference between right from wrong. She can control her actions. She is choosing to manipulate the OP and continue her affair because it's fun and she digs it. That makes it a character flaw and bad behavior.

 

The bitter irony here is the WW has it made and she is doing fine. It's the OP that is having all the pain and suffering here, yet he is the one making all the excuses and is refusing to take any definitive action and allowing himself to be mistreated and rubbed in the dirt.

 

Makes you wonder which one really has the mental illness here.

[Darren Steez]

Look seriously, if a little banging is putting her mental condition at ease then who are any of you to judge or make statements?

 

It seems sex is a cure for her ailment. I for one would like to see this radical therapy trailed around the world.

 

Now excuse me while I go back to ploughing my fairy fields on my golden unicorn..

[Marc878]

He's not disgusting. He wants advice how to handle this without everyone screaming divorce. With the mental illness part, it's a bit different than a lot of stories you read on here. He's lost.

 

There is no way to handle or make a situation work out with the wife having sex with the OM once a week.

 

Do you have the answer because I've never seen one in this situation?

[Marc878]

If there is mental illness then perhaps he should have her committed.

 

That would at least stop the affair but I'd bet there is little to no evidence that would allow for this process to be done.

[Spectre]

She doesn't love you because she is having an affair. Also come on now. She is banging another dude! Mental illness is not an excuse for this kind of behavior.

 

Divorce is the only option that lets the OP keep his dignity. She knows he knows and she continues to do it. Yep, she is mentally ill, but then to me all cheaters are a bit mentally ill. They cheat on people and then come and say "oh but I love them". There has to be some sort of emotional problems for a person to think that way.

 

If you are cheating on your significant other for any reason that is some kind of mental issue. Doesn't mean I am saying it always equates to a serious mental illness, but normal people who are emotionally healthy do not betray and destroy people they love.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre

[lolablue17]

OP.

I understand you wish to wait and see if therapy helps and changes her. you wish to try everything to save your marriage. it's admirable.

 

A divorce process takes time, you know. You have kids, so it can even take a year or two. I still think that no reconciliation will happen while your wife is keeping her OM, but if she does, I strongly advice you to start the divorce process. Have her served with papers. It will help you twice.

 

1. That's the way you save a lot of time. You have at least a year or more to test if your wife can really change with proper therapy and medications. If she does, you can stop the divorce process at any moment, even one minute before it's official.

 

2. Sometimes a strong clear motivation helps people with mental illness to recover. For example, I can feel very depressed and withdrawn with no ability to get up from bed, but if I see someone who is attacking my child, I will get up and rescue him like a bullet at full speed.

 

So if your wife feels the process from close view, get the papers, sign them, arranging custody with you, arranging visitation Rights, even moving out and living alone for few month, This can be a gift for her. It can be a wake up call and help her getting huge motivation to heal from her illness.

 

Right now i feel that her motivation to heal is low. Why don't you start the divorce process? You have nothing to lose, it's a win win situation for you.

Edited December 24, 2015 by lolablue17

[aliveagain]

Your headed to where I was, my bipolar ex wanted to have something of the other man, she had his baby and tried to pass him off as mine. She blamed me for breaking up our relationship and for not accepting the affair child as mine. I think the only way you will have a relationship without infidelity is by taking yourself out of infidelity. Why are you making it her decision when you know she makes bad decisions?

 

Personally, I would rather be single then agree to share my wife with other men. They lie about using protection, the exchange of body fluids is a big part of their high. Stock up on paternity kits if you stay with this one, you haven't even made 2 years and she's already got a full time boyfriend. There is no cure for her illness but it can be managed successfully and may require constant updating of her meds. My problem was my ex kept taking herself of her meds because she like the high she got when she was manic, her sexuality went through the roof. Your wife may be incapable of giving you what you want. Do what is best for you.

 

Make sure she has the proper professional help, my ex attempted suicide three times, once before I left and twice after I left. Don't be held hostage.

Edited December 24, 2015 by aliveagain