I am looking for people with this similar situation. read and respond

[GuitarMan1984]

Hi hello , I am writing this cause I have no other option . I feel helpless as no one will help or understand . I will let you know what happen .

 

3 years ago . I was involved with at the time a separated woman although she was still married legally . We moved in together over those 2 1/2 years we grew apart cause she could not manage money and handle keeping a job . long story short when it came close to me moving out she wanted to talk and I didnt she ended up assaulting me cause I refused to speak . I moved out july 2015and we still kept in contact . 2 months around October he husband was in jail for allegedly beating up his gf . She ran to him and comforted him and I felt something was going on . So I told her I think Im going to date cause I felt she was becoming closer to him . I found out later she ended up having sex with him and I was right after all . He became staying with her and eventually moved in and then they moved into a apartment and he is paying her way because she got injured and cant work .

 

I feel sick and feel like I want to keep fighting cause I love her . There are signs that she shows me that she loves me too , but she is living with him . He is seeing a woman as well but I feel like there is no hope cause he controls the situation cause he is paying the bills has her there etc . I dont know what to do . I love her so much and feel very uneasy about starting completely over after having such history with this woman I love . Maybe I am just a fool but I strongly believe it will work . Has anyone ever been in this situation or know anyone who went threw similar situation ? I need advice or something or someone to give me hope . Perhaps there is someone who dealt with the same scenario .

 

If so please someone respond .

 

Thank you ,

 

Some one who is suffering

[Downtown]

She could not manage money and handle keeping a job . long story short when it came close to me moving out she wanted to talk and I didnt she ended up assaulting me cause I refused to speak.

GMan, welcome back to LoveShack. When you last wrote us about your married GF -- in May 2014 -- you described her as having jealousy issues and starting very heated fights over "mundane issues." Now you're saying she also is irresponsible (no job and can't manage money). You seem to be describing emotionally unstable behavior. I therefore am very interested in just how bad the "assaulting me" was. How serious was the physical assault?

[GuitarMan1984]

GMan, welcome back to LoveShack. When you last wrote us about your married GF -- in May 2014 -- you described her as having jealousy issues and starting very heated fights over "mundane issues." Now you're saying she also is irresponsible (no job and can't manage money). You seem to be describing emotionally unstable behavior. I therefore am very interested in just how bad the "assaulting me" was. How serious was the physical assault?

 

 

To your reply . The assault was pretty serious . It started when I began moving my stuff out over a few days . I began separating my belongings because I was getting ready to move in the next few weeks . As I explained before . I became very upset in the fact that I was having to take care of everything , having to pawn my guitars just for extra money and the fact was she was horrible at managing money . I became very frustrated and had enough and told her . I going to move out . I warned her months prior and it didnt change . What happened is the 2nd day . I came home from work after working a very long day . She had to go to work and was already getting ready to go to work within 30 mins . I explained , I didnt want to talk about it lets do it some other time . Im tired and your going to work etc . She began to push it and finally . I just said nothing and said . Im not going to say anything I dont want to talk about it right now . She lunged at me and started to throw punches and slaps . I put my arms up to cover my face but before I got to that , she either close fisted or slapped my right right and I immediately felt air go into my ear and I could hear anything . Became very dizzy and disoriented . I am a very big but one thing I will not do is hit a woman . I just took it got up and eventually got my phone and called police and they came . Once there she began to tell them I pushed her and made up a bunch of lies to save herself for implication. I immediately requested to go to ER . I know in these situations the guy no matter what is always at fault . I was later scene and the doctor examined me said he could see the redness and based on my pain and symptoms said the I probably ruptured my eardrum . He wanted a follow up but I didnt have insurance at the time so I didnt go . That being said I still have constant ringing still hurts etc . Charges were eventually dropped very recently as they were filed in July . I hope this answered your questions etc .

 

That being said and people say Im insane but Im still with her trying to work on things with her . I find myself asking why . Perhaps a fool for love . Spent 3 years with her . The main problem I have is that . When I moved out she found her way back to her abusive husband . He was placed in Jail for beating and assaulting his gf . She ran to him , I told her I know your seeing him she denied it . I told her I think Im going to start dating . I did I told her she quickly moved him in stating that she needed help . Which I claimed was nonsense cause she could have got a roommate background check etc . She eventually lost her apartment they were living and he helped her get a new apartment . So he is seeing someone else they are still married she is seeing me claims they have a living arrangement etc . I have a hard time believing it . Im at the point where enough is enough and Im tired of being and feeling like a fool . Maybe someone out there is going thru this or knows of someone who had similar situation . I feel helpless , I know I deserve so much better but I have invested so much time I dont feel like giving up quite yet . More and more its beginning to sound like a better option. Well there ya go . I hope this wasnt too much of a reply . If anything I got it out .

 

Thanks for reading

[Downtown]

Gman, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., her irrational jealousy, temper tantrums over "mundane issues," irresponsibility, lack of impulse control, and verbal/physical abuse -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

The assault was pretty serious.... She lunged at me and started to throw punches and slaps.... the doctor said I probably ruptured my eardrum.... I still have constant ringing still hurts etc.

The reason I asked about the seriousness of this assault is that physical violence against a partner or spouse is strongly associated with strong BPD traits. If your GF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of anger that is already there.

 

This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

People say Im insane but Im still with her trying to work on things with her.

You mention nothing suggesting that you are "insane." Yet, if you really have been living with a BPDer for nearly 3 years, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

When I moved out she found her way back to her abusive husband.

Because BPDers have only a fragile, weak self identity, they absolutely HATE to live alone without a partner to provide that missing self identity. When a BPDer is alone, her self image is so weak that she doesn't even have "herself" to keep her company. A BPDer therefore is loath to walk away from one partner unless she already has another one waiting in the wings. Hence, if your GF is a BPDer, it is not surprising she would be "triangulating" you two guys -- i.e., playing one of you off against the other -- to ensure that she always has some man in her life to ground her and give her a sense of direction and purpose.

 

I need advice.

My advice, given your reluctance to leave her, is that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship or, if you do decide to leave her, avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Gman.

[Popsicle]

I think you should take the time to read the stories in this section. I also think you should let her stay with her husband and completely go no contact with her (for good).

[OldRover]

Guitar,

 

You've got some good advise here. FWIW, I've been through similar, but there's always a few differences. I dated a BPD person, and really didn't realize it for a long time, until my counselor helped me with it. I left her once because of it, not really understanding what it was.

 

We got back together, because "I loved her so much" BS and thought I could make it work. I did gain a lot of insight as to her issues, but could not solve things. She refused counseling (which is seriously needed with BPD), and her swings between absolutely loving and absolutely violent because worse. She got physical a few times, but didn't hurt me... as I backed off and separated myself from her.

 

It was a challenge to figure out the real issue. She was gainfully employed, but not the best with handling money. She had no suicide tendencies (like some BPDers do). But her mood swings were often a total surprise and over absolutely nothing.

 

When I left her the last time, I physically avoided her, as I knew there was a high likelihood that someone was going to get hurt and it was going to be me, because I just won't hit a woman, unless my life is threatened and never wanted to be in that position. It was a good move, but hurt for a LONG time. And I've always wondered it if "could have been saved".

 

No looking back, I'm in a better position... but still wonder at times.

 

You REALLY NEED TO THINK about what life with her will be like! It will be hell forever, unless she takes the effort to solve the problem, and suspect that won't be easy and will probably never happen.

[GuitarMan1984]

There is one thing I left out . She has bi Polar disorder which I don't know if I mentioned . I know you said borderline personality disorder . I saw the abbreviation and thought you meant bi Polar . Guess not , fact is I havnt really read up on her mental state still perhaps I will . It still bothers me to the core , cause I moved out initially on purpose after the assault law said spilt up . stayed with family and eventually got myself into a apartment with a great roommate . I love her so much ,and keep fighting even know lately she's showing me more and more distance . I'm stuck in this for hope of reunited love . My friends tell I'm crazy wtf you staying for she's still married even know he's doing his thing its still marriage . I have come to point where I keep trying to show her and tell her to show me and prove her love by more communication and she just gets angry and tells me I'm stressing her out . At this point I'm hoping someone has felt with a similar situation or even someone who has bi Polar . I feel like I don't deserve to be treated this way but I keep holding out hope for love . Please someone respond and help me understand in a different way , cause I strongly need affirmation of someone that has been where I been . So I can finally understand its ok to move on even know you love the person so deeply

[Downtown]

There is one thing I left out . She has bi Polar disorder.

Gman, if she has bipolar-1 disorder, there is a 36% chance she also suffers from co-occurring BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, therapists have difficulty distinguishing between these two disorders in a 50-minute meeting held every week or two because it may take them two years to witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long. It therefore is common for BPD to be misdiagnosed as "bipolar."

 

I mention this distinction because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. I therefore suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I again would suggest you also check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

[Akashsingh]

for your own good forget this woman and focus on your life.

[OldRover]

Gman, if she has bipolar-1 disorder, there is a 36% chance she also suffers from co-occurring BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, therapists have difficulty distinguishing between these two disorders in a 50-minute meeting held every week or two because it may take them two years to witness the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long. It therefore is common for BPD to be misdiagnosed as "bipolar."

 

I mention this distinction because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. I therefore suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I again would suggest you also check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

 

Downtown,

 

Good post and good information that the OP should pay attention to. These are both disorders that can tear a relationship apart and be just miserable to deal with... but the BiPolar is easier to treat.

[GuitarMan1984]

OLD rover how to eventually come to the conclusion to leave her . Just wanted to know what I can do to help myself or understand all this . At this point she is on medication . So Im very confused in the fact if her distancing herself is really intentional or still the mental state etc . I thought thats what meds are for . Anyways please help me to understand all this anyone out there . I completely beat and feel just horrible about this . I want to stay I invested 3 yrs almost 4 into this . I feel i dont want to just give up on the relationship . I truly love her .

[OldRover]

OLD rover how to eventually come to the conclusion to leave her . Just wanted to know what I can do to help myself or understand all this . At this point she is on medication . So Im very confused in the fact if her distancing herself is really intentional or still the mental state etc . I thought thats what meds are for . Anyways please help me to understand all this anyone out there . I completely beat and feel just horrible about this . I want to stay I invested 3 yrs almost 4 into this . I feel i dont want to just give up on the relationship . I truly love her .

 

Guitar,

 

You're in a very difficult position.

First, you would need to solve the relationship between your GF and her living with another man. Unless she truly loves you move and wants to be with you, it ain't gonna work. She went to him for a reason... try to find out why. If he is her most important love and you're second, it will be very difficult. If she went to him because of a bad relationship or problem with you, and he is second choice, you probably have a good chance. To get her back, you need to show her that you have changed and the situation with you would be much better than with him.

 

Now, if you get her back, you'll have more issues. If she has BPD, (and sounds like it) she will need serious professional help. The bi polar can be solved. As for the money problems, you'll have to control the bank and she will have to live on a budget.

 

And, she will have to WANT all of the above.

 

At times, I wish I had been more forceful with my ex GF in trying to treat her BPD, but at other times, I'm glad I moved on. To spend months or years trying to help someone and then fail is very stressful and draining... especially if they don't want it.

 

Gut feeling, with the short time you've been with her, you would be MUCH better to move on. You have some mountains ahead. You have not established a long term lasting relationship with her. From the start with her still married it has been rocky. And she has some MAJOR problems, starting with living with another guy.

 

If you bail, I'd bet that you could have her pretty much out of your mind in 3 to 6 months (maybe sooner) and be dating much more promising ladies. You will never forget her, but you can be MUCH happier, without the stress and possibility of repeating the whole thing over again.

 

Hope the best for you, especially around holidays. On the first of January, make yourself a resolution. You promise to provide for YOURSELF.... emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Make yourself into a better and happier man, regardless of what direction you go. Stay positive, keep your confidence and keep your head high. Some really great lady deserves a guy like you!

[Downtown]

At this point she is on medication . So Im very confused in the fact if her distancing herself is really intentional or still the mental state etc . I thought thats what meds are for.

GMan, as OldRover and I tried to explain, the meds won't make a dent in her abusive behaviors if they are largely due to BPD traits. If these traits are strong, you will find them easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about "starting fights over mundane events," "jealousy problems," and "throwing punches and slaps" that "ruptured my eardrum." Because these behaviors are characteristic of BPD, not bipolar, I ask whether most of the following BPD warning signs sound very familiar. If so, please tell us which ones occur strongly:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard ;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal or physical abuse that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

[WestEndGirl]

To the OP: I was married to a man who displayed all of the signs of BPD. The counselor I was seeing told me that it was likely that's what I was dealing with, based on my description of his behavior.

 

You must trust me on this: if you and this woman stayed together, there would have been a time when you got sick and tired of it. When you just wanted a life of peace and quiet and drama. Right now, you're not quite at that point yet. You think that there's a "solution" to her behavior, that something will magically change, if you just hang in there long enough.

 

Please save yourself. I know it's hard. The bloom hasn't completely worn off the rose. What my counselor had me do was this: write down ten things about my exH that frightened or repulsed me or caused me to hold him in low regard. Print out the list and post it right above my computer/workspace. Read it every time I sat down. It worked wonders for me, because every time I was tempted to glamorize our M, I had to face the facts.