dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 When casually dating more than one person, how do you handle this question when asked by one of the people you're dating? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Shooting pool with the guys(or any other thing 'with the guys'). Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I'm busy tonight... Would you like to get together soon? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leucine Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Honesty is the only decent course of action in situations like this. Tell them you have a date with someone else. Anyone you are dating has a right to know you are dating other people. This would be the right course of action if you want to limit your options and hear no more from the person. You're under no obligation to disclose anything about your personal life when you're in the casual dating phase. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
11012015 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 This would be the right course of action if you want to limit your options and hear no more from the person. You're under no obligation to disclose anything about your personal life when you're in the casual dating phase. So the better option is to hide that info from a person and make him believe he is the only one (because we know we would hear no more from that person otherwise, which is not deception and manipulation of course) and we will pretend he knows everyone's seeing other people unless stated otherwise, just so we can feel better? Love a woman with integrity and honesty (of semi-truths and convenient omissions). Poor guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Leucine Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) So the better option is to hide that info from a person and make him believe he is the only one (because we know we would hear no more from that person otherwise, which is not deception and manipulation of course) and we will pretend he knows everyone's seeing other people unless stated otherwise, just so we can feel better? Love a woman with integrity and honesty (of semi-truths and convenient omissions). Poor guy. You have the right to know about your status when you're getting serious with them. Having been on a few casual dates and expecting them to be committed to you is foolish and the other options that they might also be pursuing are none of your business at that stage, it's something you don't need to know really. Edited December 23, 2015 by Leucine Link to post Share on other sites
Empyrea Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I know, I know! I've dated a lot of guys who intuitively handled these kinds of things very well and I always appreciated that. 1) Never lie! If you're not going out with the guys, then don't say you're going out with the guys. What if you run into her or one of her friends? She'll know you lied and it will definitely undermine your credibility in her eyes. And honestly, lying in general is quite unnecessary most of the time. Don't make it into a habit. 2) She should be aware of the fact that you're potentially dating other people as well. If you haven't had the exclusive talk then (IMHO) it is implied that you may be dating others and needn't be specifically discussed. However, if you get the impression that she thinks you're exclusive, then you should probably mention that you're multidating. 3) Although she's aware that it's a possibility, she does NOT want to know the details. If she asks what you're doing tonight - say you're going out, if you're going to the movies - say you're going to the movies, you can talk about the movie, but not who you're going with. If she specifically asks, then you can say you're going with a friend or "just some girl" to play it down without lying. With me, I could always sense that when the guy didn't explicitly mention who he was going with, I assumed it might be a date and didn't pry. Because really, I don't want to know! And I really appreciated the fact that he respected me enough not to overshare, and yet not to lie about it as well. So yeah, I recommend this method. If she asks too many questions, then she's probably insecure and you need to have the "are we multidating or are we exclusive" talk to be on the same page. Honesty rocks. Diplomacy and discretion are great, but lying is just nasty, you can't build anything of value on top of a lie. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Dobie. You are "going out with a friend". You do not need to go into it further. I was dating a guy who wanted to multi date. Was fine for him and what he wanted but when I was honest and he found out I was also multi dating, and that his competition was younger and smarter... he was really assy with me. Sometimes its better to just keep your trap shut. Sometimes its best not to know. If it goes beyond a couple of dates and your still multi dating and not wanting to commit its probably not going anywhere anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmissjava Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 What they don't know won't hurt them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I think saying "I have other plans" or "I am busy" without more details telegraphs to any adult in the Western hemisphere, especially if the relationship started OL, that you have a date with somebody else. There is absolutely no need to spell it out & rub it in the other person's face. While I think effectively communicating that you are not exclusive may make somebody decide not to date you, I think most people will understand & it will cause them to take action & consider having the conversation about exclusivity or at least examine whether that is something they want. Personally if the person was so crass as to announce to me that there is somebody else rather than simply allowing me to infer that there is, I'd dump him for failing to spare my feelings & being insensitive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Agree w/the honesty ethic, along w/the notion that how out you should be about the deets is relative to how close you are. Examples from each end are a second date where you say "sorry I'm going on a date w/this other dude and chances are I'll bang the crap out of him" and 4 months in where you lie and tell them some BS story. Stay in the middle. The 2nd date person doesn't really need to know what you're up to but the 4 month person should be in the loop by then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I do a pretty crappy job of being clear in my opening posts. I meant when they're just making conversation, not asking me out. So, it's not like I'm having to say I'm busy, sorry, how about another night, but more like just telling them what I'm up to for the day. I am with Toodaloo. I was just curious how others handle this. I've come to learn how to interpret, "Just back in from dinner with a friend" (Oh, he was on a date, damn), so that's usually what I say. I certainly don't lie and say I was out with girlfriends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Honesty is the only decent course of action in situations like this. Tell them you have a date with someone else. Anyone you are dating has a right to know you are dating other people. I'd never say this. That's just rude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I think saying "I have other plans" or "I am busy" without more details telegraphs to any adult in the Western hemisphere, especially if the relationship started OL, that you have a date with somebody else. There is absolutely no need to spell it out & rub it in the other person's face. While I think effectively communicating that you are not exclusive may make somebody decide not to date you, I think most people will understand & it will cause them to take action & consider having the conversation about exclusivity or at least examine whether that is something they want. Personally if the person was so crass as to announce to me that there is somebody else rather than simply allowing me to infer that there is, I'd dump him for failing to spare my feelings & being insensitive. I agree. They're smart enough to pick up on what I'm getting at without having to rub it in their face. I wouldn't see a guy again who outright told me he was out on a date, not because he was on a date, but because he was rubbing it in my face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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