not attracted to her

[bilski04]

well I've never written about this or ever talked to anyone about my situation, but here goes. (not that I have lots of friends- more of a loner) sorry for the long post and the rambling.

 

Been married for 19 1/2 years. met in grad school. she chased after me. I constantly told her I didnt want to date but she was persistent. I was in a very bad place and kept telling her that I wasn't for her ( ie at the time I had severe depression/suicidal secondary to chemical imbalance but also lots of drugs/alcohol). finally one night she wanted to have sex and I asked if she was sure because it would change relationship dynamic. we had been drinking and so we did. long story short she got pregnant and since I felt the need to make her an honest woman, we did a shot gun wedding- didnt want my kid to grow up without a father.

 

I am not, nor have I ever been sexually attracted to her and here in lies the problem. I try to act like I'm in love with her. she probably has some inclination, but I am persistent that I love her/ in love with her trying to hide my true feelings. problem is she is not a touchy feely person, so we dont kiss, dont hug, dont say I love you barely have sex, (its always been this way) , barely talk (thats more of me as I talk all day at work and like peace and quiet when I get home and I'm not a "discuss my feellings" kind of guy). its worse in the last 5 years since she had a partial hysterectomy secondary to the brain/breast issues therefore she has absolutely no sex drive, but when we do have sex we barely kiss-and I usually have to initiate the kissing, Its monotonous and she doesnt like to experiment (basically 1 of 3 positions) once she agrees to sex she does get satisfied. I'm just tired of having to beg for sex and constantly get turned down, so I dont even suggest/beg/ask for it anymore-its just easier not too. she is well aware that if we have sex it makes me feel closer to her yet she never initiates it. lately we barely talk to each other. so now I am in a loveless/sexless/non communicative marriage and not sure if I should keep up the charade or move on with my life.

she is a good person, kind etc and I really do care for her, but I have never had that sexual attraction. I dont hate her, I'm just not in love with her. I look at other women and wonder why I couldnt have someone else more sexually attractive to me.

 

we've both gone through a lot together---her--breast cancer and brain tumor, both twice-clear 5 years now!!, me depression and addiction- sober 1 year on Dec 18th!!! I'm also very sensitive to anything critical- taking it too personal. she says I wasnt really there for her during her time of need, I thought I was by helping out around the house, taking care of the kids and not pushing sex etc. problem is lately we seem to be drifting apart further. I've noticed in the last couple of years I'm very happy when I pull up to the house and she isnt home and disappointed when she is. when I go into a room and close the door I find myself saying I hate her under my breath or giving her the bird behind closed door ( I know its childish, but I do it anyhow) I'm currently between jobs and so I cook supper, she generally grabs her meal and goes upstairs under the guise that she needs to study (she went back to school this fall) so it might be, but I think she really doesnt want to be around me. we dont sit in the same room together for more than 5 minutes. she falls asleep in bed watching tv upstairs and I come up after she's been asleep for a couple of hours.

 

This past fall I did a job out of town during the week and felt no need or desire to call her- it was heaven as I had my own apartment(out of site-out of mind). she has commented before when we argue that maybe I wasnt meant for marriage. we never go out together. our tastes for doing things are different, like I'm trying to plan a family vacation after Christmas to go skiing but she is hesitant to do anything and so that makes the kids not want to do things either cause they want to be like their mom. I suggested something and she flat out said she doesnt want to do it, so I asked when did she get to be such a prude-oh wait she always has been.

 

I think she resents that I'm currently at home now, but she knows I'm working on building a new business and that takes time to get it up and running. My kids are 19,16,12 so I was thinking about just keeping up the charade at least until the youngest graduates and then maybe doing something, but I'm not sure I can last that long. I dont want to be a weekend dad, as I love my kids dearly (and they love me) and it would kill me to not see them daily.

I always believed marriage is until death, as does she, so do we stay miserable until one of us dies (hopefully me and hopefully soon!)? Maybe since I am new to the sober life, I should not make any major changes for awhile. ( I was told definitely dont make any changes the first year) I'm hoping the longer I'm sober the better things will get, but they in fact are getting worse. I have absolutely no desire to even talk to her. I'm not sure how I'm going to stand being with her so close on vacation. hopefully we dont kill each other!LOL

 

 

sorry for the rambling but I thought I would try to give as much pertinent info as possible. I look forward to your comments/suggestions.

[minimariah]

I always believed marriage is until death, as does she...

 

you don't -- you didn't even marry thinking it will last forever; you married because she was pregnant. that being said... i'm in awe of you being married to someone you never loved and never found attractive for 19 LONG YEARS + you had two more children with her... that's just... well, let's just say that it couldn't be me.

 

so i would suggest some urgent individual counseling. and yes, you should divorce her - you don't have to be a weekend dad, you can share custody and have your kids every other week. besides, your kids are big now & you already have a relationship with them. either way - you can't avoid the pain that divorce will bring to your family so i don't see the point in waiting for the right moment - trust me, that right moment NEVER comes.

 

ALSO -- i'm not surprised that she doesn't want to have sex with you; a woman knows and feels when a man is faking it. would you want to have sex with someone you know never loved you, let alone desired you? that's probably why she avoids you, too - she FEELS how much you don't feel for her, as simple as that. i'm guessing she couldn't delude herself into thinking otherwise anymore. and i honestly don't know why YOU insist on having sex with someone you don't or ever did find sexually attractive - how do you even get turned on...? that's just crazy to me.

 

you're married to someone you barely LIKE, someone you have 0 deeper connection with, someone you never found attractive, someone you were never in love with... do yourself a favour and don't waste another WEEK of your life on that marriage. you already wasted two decades... that's twenty years you'll never get back.

Edited December 23, 2015 by minimariah

[VeveCakes]

There is only ONE life, you have already spent so many years miserable.

 

It's time to leave and start fresh - for you both.

[Dlucio1]

Why did u marry someone u don't love? U have waisted many of her yrs. by now she could have found someone that would love, appreciate her, and find her attractive, and u too. She's bn ill and I see this too common. I work in the medical field. Spouses leave when their spouses get sick. That and knowing u don't love her? I bet she has cried many nights. I think I'm in the same situation, but if he's not attracted to me, he can leave our house. I'm still waiting. I am not leaving my hard earned home because he's not attracted to me. If a party is not happy with their spouse tell them and leave instead of bitching u ain't attractive..

Edited December 26, 2015 by Dlucio1

[Dlucio1]

Why did u marry someone u don't love? U have waisted many of her yrs. by now she could have found someone that would love, appreciate her, and find her attractive, and u too. I think I'm in the same situation, but if he's not attracted to me, he can leave our house. I'm still waiting. I am not leaving my hard earned home because he's not attracted to me. If a party is not happy with their spouse tell them and leave instead of bitching u ain't attractive..

[WomenWubber]

After almost 20 years, you have decided now is the time to re-evaluate your marriage?

 

What happened?

[bilski04]

Why did u marry someone u don't love? U have waisted many of her yrs. by now she could have found someone that would love, appreciate her, and find her attractive, and u too. I think I'm in the same situation, but if he's not attracted to me, he can leave our house. I'm still waiting. I am not leaving my hard earned home because he's not attracted to me. If a party is not happy with their spouse tell them and leave instead of bitching u ain't attractive..

___________________________________________________

 

why did I still marry her? several reasons: I was depressed and I thought that I would learn to love her, I didnt see any alternatives as I was worried at the time because I was moving back to a small town and didnt think I would find anyone else, she got pregnant and I wanted to raise my kid not out of wedlock and be a good father. I know those are bad reasons but I really did have good intentions.

why has this come up now? IDK, maybe some sadness, maybe its cause I'm tired of the sexless marriage ( she has had a partial hysterectomy so she has absolutely no desire) but I'm so tired of begging and tired of being turned down, maybe its cause I crave affection and touch, maybe its partly because she has been getting on my nerves lately-to the point that I cringe or roll my eyes when she says something or criticizes me and I'm thinking in my head "shut the F' up you stupid b..", maybe its cause I have a false impression that I could find someone better looking or more appealing.

dont get me wrong, she is decent looking, has a nice body and is a great mother and a good personality, but it seems like we have drifted further apart and thus get on each others nerves more than usual. I dont look at her and think she is the most beautiful woman in the world-which is problematic for me. I've also noticed that when I have been reading on LS or online somewhere else, and she starts to talk to me, I'm more distant and quicker to internal anger at her

[Dlucio1]

Maybe ur still depressed. U talk a lot of negative stuff about her. Tell her everything u wrote here and say goodbye. Sorry I'm not judging u but u don't love her.

___________________________________________________

 

why did I still marry her? several reasons: I was depressed and I thought that I would learn to love her, I didnt see any alternatives as I was worried at the time because I was moving back to a small town and didnt think I would find anyone else, she got pregnant and I wanted to raise my kid not out of wedlock and be a good father. I know those are bad reasons but I really did have good intentions.

why has this come up now? IDK, maybe some sadness, maybe its cause I'm tired of the sexless marriage ( she has had a partial hysterectomy so she has absolutely no desire) but I'm so tired of begging and tired of being turned down, maybe its cause I crave affection and touch, maybe its partly because she has been getting on my nerves lately-to the point that I cringe or roll my eyes when she says something or criticizes me and I'm thinking in my head "shut the F' up you stupid b..", maybe its cause I have a false impression that I could find someone better looking or more appealing.

dont get me wrong, she is decent looking, has a nice body and is a great mother and a good personality, but it seems like we have drifted further apart and thus get on each others nerves more than usual. I dont look at her and think she is the most beautiful woman in the world-which is problematic for me. I've also noticed that when I have been reading on LS or online somewhere else, and she starts to talk to me, I'm more distant and quicker to internal anger at her

[Miss Clavel]

since you said that you'd been advised not to make any major changes during your first year of sobriety, i assume you are faithfully attending at least two AA meetings a day, working the steps and trying to carry the message.

 

why not add a session with a therapist? you and your stbex wife can go get therapy together. not a marriage councilor because you are not spiritually married and you never have been.

 

be honest with the doctor and with your wife. just say, "i'm here for help in ending this marriage with as little pain and upset as possible, if it takes three or four years, that's fine".

 

tell your wife, in the safety of the thepapists office that you release her from her wedding vows and you would like to be released from the vow you gave her as well.

 

move your things to a separatge bedroom and carry on living separte lives.

 

get advice on how and when to tell the children, let them see your family is still "together" and no one is mad, mean or hateful.

 

when the doctor says it's time, start looking for your own apartment, close by and let the kids have a key, tell them there will never be any other women there and they are always welcome.

 

if you find another women, go to her house.

 

good luck

[oldshirt]

you need to take the advice of your substance abuse counselors and therapists etc, but IMHO the reason this has gotten worse for you is as you have become sober and are getting your brain dried out, you are starting to feel things and react to things and become more aware of the situations around you.

 

 

When you are drunk all the time you become 'comfortably numb' as the song says. when you are drunk, you are happy to just sit there. Sometimes when you are sober, you want things out of life.

 

 

My advice is to continue working with your therapists/counselors and continue working towards sobriety and continue to recover.

 

 

When your brain is under the influence of chemicals and under the influence of withdrawl, you don't think right, feel right, respond right or make sound decisions. You need to be free of the chemical influences before you can truly assess your situation and make sound decisions.

[bilski04]

you need to take the advice of your substance abuse counselors and therapists etc, but IMHO the reason this has gotten worse for you is as you have become sober and are getting your brain dried out, you are starting to feel things and react to things and become more aware of the situations around you.

 

 

When you are drunk all the time you become 'comfortably numb' as the song says. when you are drunk, you are happy to just sit there. Sometimes when you are sober, you want things out of life.

 

 

My advice is to continue working with your therapists/counselors and continue working towards sobriety and continue to recover.

 

 

When your brain is under the influence of chemicals and under the influence of withdrawl, you don't think right, feel right, respond right or make sound decisions. You need to be free of the chemical influences before you can truly assess your situation and make sound decisions.

 

yea, this is what my counselors in rehab have told me. "dont make any rash decisions for a minimum of 1 year after getting sober".

 

I'm thinking maybe I should do more counseling or maybe even hypnotism to work on myself. I'm always thinking the grass is greener on the other side, but i'm pretty sure its not as perfect as I imagine it. its just that I have this internal hatred/lack of desire for her and now I'm thinking/wondering maybe its more internal strife and i'm projecting it onto her. Idk, I also look at other woman and wish I was with them. I just dont know how to fix it. I need to do something cause I barely want to be in the same room with her let alone talk, sex etc. we have different ideas of fun, different ideas of what is good to read and watch tv.deep down I dont think that I really want to divorce, but I dont think I can stay in this relationship the way it is like this forever either. I think it scares me that I'd lose my kids, friends etc