EmbraceTheChange Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 No, he wouldn't spend more time with you so you keep quiet, because the more contact he has with you, the more chances his girlfriend has to find something out. For the moment, if anything comes out, it would be your word against his, and unless you have un-refutable proof, it would be just that. And with no contact there are no records of texts on the bill, no messages on Facebook, nobody can see you with him and tell his girlfriend, etc. Just an empty space. If I told you that I have a friend who is a new dad, cheats on the mother of his newborn, drinks himself stupid, goes to his mom to complain that he doesn't love his girlfriend but apart from complaining doesn't do anything .... would you honestly think that the guy is a great catch? I hope you don't think that you, and only you can make him happy. Because that's not going to happen. The guy has issues, and he needs to sort them out and get his head screw on, especially now that he has a newborn at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 No, he wouldn't spend more time with you so you keep quiet, because the more contact he has with you, the more chances his girlfriend has to find something out. For the moment, if anything comes out, it would be your word against his, and unless you have un-refutable proof, it would be just that. And with no contact there are no records of texts on the bill, no messages on Facebook, nobody can see you with him and tell his girlfriend, etc. Just an empty space. If I told you that I have a friend who is a new dad, cheats on the mother of his newborn, drinks himself stupid, goes to his mom to complain that he doesn't love his girlfriend but apart from complaining doesn't do anything .... would you honestly think that the guy is a great catch? I hope you don't think that you, and only you can make him happy. Because that's not going to happen. The guy has issues, and he needs to sort them out and get his head screw on, especially now that he has a newborn at home. I wouldn't know what could make him happy. Maybe he has issues that make him cheat or he can't help it. I have no idea Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I never sent him a request I wouldn't let him see ( apparently I have no morals as I slept with a taken man but have a little pride) I have days where i feel good then days where I'm sad but I know it will get easier. Hopefully il meet someone single. Talking to people on here helps me so so much even tho I must be very annoying keep talking about it. In a way I think if it wasn't for people on here I would of text him weeks ago. Thankyou for all your advice I really really appreciate it :-) I agree, sharing on this site helps because it makes you feel human. Our moral compasses and high horses sometimes lead us astray, but the people here have wisdom that can help direct you back. I think infidelity is very complex and is not necessarily a sign of a defective character. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I wouldn't know what could make him happy. Maybe he has issues that make him cheat or he can't help it. I have no idea I think you are right. Those are his personal issues and not the issues of any of his previous relationships. If he is a serial cheater; he definitely does not know what he wants, and more importantly, how to communicate the same. Although it is worse in a marriage, in some ways infidelity is harder to understand when there is no legal binding or promises to reconcile future conflict. Just understand if he can't end his current relationship despite the relative ease compared to a marriage, he needs to be single for a long time to work on himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Your question or objection is that why he doesn't add you on FB, if only as a friend. Why you are not good enough to be a friend when it was more than just a friend before? If you were him would you? Out of sight, out of mind approach. Imagine he did add you. Both of you might just lurk around spying on each other. It's best this way. It's why sometimes people delete account, delete people and block people. It says nothing about whether the person love you, want to be friend with you, but it's about a solution to follow. Take it as that and don't feel like you are nothing because he didn't add you. It's just a stradegy to move on. Sounds like you think this guy is pretty bad so be glad he take this approach, otherwise, it would just drag. Friendship after something like this is hard to impossible anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think this is just one of those hard lessons you learn in life. The first one being, it's not a good idea to have sex with someone else's man. The friendship is over. If you could get to a place where you stop obsessing about his lack of friending you on fb and just look at what a loser this guy truly is. He's a drunk and a serial cheater. Even if he were to dump his girlfriend and run to you, he's still very messed up, and you couldn't fix that. He'd be cheating on you soon enough. Just try and let this go. I don't think you'd really want him, even if you somehow magically snared him. You're just upset (rightfully so) that he used you and easily threw you away. Hard lesson for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think this is just one of those hard lessons you learn in life. The first one being, it's not a good idea to have sex with someone else's man. The friendship is over. If you could get to a place where you stop obsessing about his lack of friending you on fb and just look at what a loser this guy truly is. He's a drunk and a serial cheater. Even if he were to dump his girlfriend and run to you, he's still very messed up, and you couldn't fix that. He'd be cheating on you soon enough. Just try and let this go. I don't think you'd really want him, even if you somehow magically snared him. You're just upset (rightfully so) that he used you and easily threw you away. Hard lesson for sure. I massively regret having sex with him. Massively That's ruined it. If "it" even existed I think it's the feeling so disposable that's hurting like you say not even because I don't have him. Its difficult trying to get over that all he said wasn't real,him crying etc was just a ploy to get me in bed,I thought I was smarter than that. We had such a good time in each other's company the night before we slept together I thought he did like me. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I massively regret having sex with him. Massively That's ruined it. If "it" even existed I think it's the feeling so disposable that's hurting like you say not even because I don't have him. Its difficult trying to get over that all he said wasn't real,him crying etc was just a ploy to get me in bed,I thought I was smarter than that. We had such a good time in each other's company the night before we slept together I thought he did like me. I think the best way to look at the situation is he is just not healthy enough to have a relationship right now. I do not doubt his feelings for you, or there was some calculated effort on his part to use and you leave. ALL affairs are opportunistic. Think of it like this: There is a jumbo jet full of passengers and the pilots become incapacitated. He never flew a plane but was asked to manually attempt to land this plane safely. Regardless of how he got in that pilot seat, he is there now. Because he has a large stake in the landing, he wants to land safely and probably is trying everything he can. But in the end. He finds a way to safely get out of the airplane or goes down with it. I'm not saying he did not lie to you, but I think to some extent all people have unrealistic expectations of how people should act. But here is the kicker, that is the nature of love and why you are hurting. I am sorry. I also know your pain. I am not saying don't feel angry. You should to an extant because he should not have jumped in that seat if he did not know what he was doing. But in time, I think the healthiest approach is realizing he has no clue how to fly and put all your efforts to focus on finding a way off that airplane and not allowing him to take you down with it. OneLov Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 (((Louisesarah))) NC is for you too hun. Stop looking at his social media, it doesn't matter anymore. Pick yourself up girl and dust the last remnants of him off. You deserve better. Don't look back just keep focusing on YOU and what YOU deserve Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I massively regret having sex with him. Massively That's ruined it. If "it" even existed I think it's the feeling so disposable that's hurting like you say not even because I don't have him. Its difficult trying to get over that all he said wasn't real,him crying etc was just a ploy to get me in bed,I thought I was smarter than that. We had such a good time in each other's company the night before we slept together I thought he did like me. And here is the problem, its not about him or how he made/makes you feel by shutting you out. Its about how this situation has made you feel about yourself. By your own account this guy is a dirtbag who you would never really be interested in having a real relationship. I think once you forgive yourself moving on will be much easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Hi you might remember my post it was about my best friends brother. We had something and now we don't speak. It's been 3 months. I still love him. I can't move on. My best friend( his sister ) keeps talking about him and his gf. She mentions his gf at every opportunity( I think to wind me up) Oh yes she has lovely nails or Kelly has just had her hair done,Kelly went for afternoon tea ..why are you telling me ??? Then I went to my friends and she started showing me old pics of the brother ..I think she wants to keep me stuck like this. His mother stopped me for coffee and was telling me she is worried about him. Getting drunk every opportunity and telling his gf he hates her and nobody in his family likes her. She says to me I wish he would just leave her as he isn't happy. This is keeping me stuck I do believe he did have some feelings for me but he has hurt me so bad. I'm worried about Him. I know that's silly but I am. I don't think he is happy Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 So your worried about him and if hes happy? He didnt worry about you one ounce and whether you were happy. You get hope from talking to his family...you love to hear that there may be a chance. You cannot move on and heal until you stop associa with them. Its been said before. Until you get serious about moving on you will stay stuck in a victim role. Continuously pining for someone does not make them come back. You don't get extra credit for holding on longer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 He has totally broke my heart. I know that sounds pathetic but he has. I wish things were different. I wish me and him were together. I go from being angry with him to wishing he would speak to me. I miss talking to him,I hate how he threw me to one side like dirt after everything he said and how he acted how he felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 I still don't understand why he did what he did to me. I just wish to god I knew if he did have feelings for me like he said,I thought he actually might love me. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 First of all if my son's gf just had a baby and he was out getting drunk all the time, whining about how unhappy he was instead of being at home fixing things and helping with the baby I'd give him a swift kick in the ass, not poor baby him like his mother does. Easy to see where this guy got his selfish self entitled attitude. His mother is horrible. Now you need to put some distance between you and his whole family. Make new friends and stop hanging around these people, lapping up the information they give you. This guy is no prize and he would treat you as poorly as he treats his gf. Actually he has already been pretty crappy to you. He's an ass to his gf, he's an ass to you and he's a poor excuse for a father. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 (edited) Getting drunk every opportunity and telling his gf he hates her and nobody in his family likes her... I'm worried about Him. A mentally abusive, alcoholic, cheater, absent father. Sounds like a winner. Yeah, he deserves all the sympathies. Louise, please get your head out of the cloud and come back to reality. And get rid of your "best friend", stay away from his family, they are toxic and keeping you stagnant. Edited November 30, 2015 by Ms. Faust Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 I know he is many things but I do believe he is a good dad. The guilt he felt after me and him slept together was down to thinking he betrayed his son. He doesn't go out drinking he drinks alone in his bedroom at their home. I'm not making excuses for him but he's life has changed massively and I know if the baby hadn't came along he would never have moved in with her. Who's to say he doesn't drink because he is utterly miserable. He did treat me awful and I think I need to work on why I still want him. He isn't a bad person,I've seen his vulnerable side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Is it so hard to believe he might of actually had feelings for me Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Who's to say he doesn't drink because he is utterly miserable. Oh, so are you saying it is his girlfriend's fault? Are you seriously victim blaming? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Not his gf fault at all. I'm under no illusion that any unhappiness that he may or may not feel is totally down to his own making. He isn't willing to change it tho just drink and moan about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Louisesarah Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 All I meant was if he is unhappy with his life ..work etc Maybe he drinks to block it out. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 In 3 months you've actually made zero progress and have gone backwards even. His drinking and family life are not your concern. If he had feelings he knows your e-mail, number and address. You refuse to see the truth and you continue to seek out his family. No one can help you but YOU. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I think you need to take a break from your best friend and her mum. If she was such a good friend she definetly wouldn't do this. Just say your busy and actually find stuff to do to take your mind off it. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Why haven't you told his sister to stop talking to you about him/them? That advice was given to you previously but was not followed. You need to find new friends and leave him and his family alone. He didn't have to be with this other girl because of the baby. He would still have to support the baby. He is with her because he wants to be and you should tell yourself that when you feel yourself getting weak for him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I think you need to take a break from your best friend and her mum. If she was such a good friend she definetly wouldn't do this. Just say your busy and actually find stuff to do to take your mind off it. I absolutely agree with the bolded part. She likes her brothers new gf and is purposely telling you things to turn you away from him. On second thought that might be a good thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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