How to forgive an ex?

[itsdinaah]

So my ex and I broke up a few months ago due to him not respecting my needs. He texted me a few days ago and I kept the conversation short and polite. He texted me yesterday after two month of NC asking about a trip I wanted to take when we were together.

 

Finally I asked him why he was contacting me. He said he just wanted to see how I was and stuff. I told him how much he hurt me and he told me he was sorry. That he hadn't forgotten me and he just needed time to himself. He also told me he loved me but I didn't believe a single word he said. I told him I would never get back together with him because he would probably treat me the same.

 

I ended the conversation saying I wanted a man who put my needs first and put me first. He hasn't texted me back since.

 

I don't think he will change is why I don't want to entertain the idea of us again, no matter how much I still want him.

 

I want to be able to talk to him without anger, I want to be able to forgive him. When I talked to him I was angry and deeply saddened by how little he valued me in our relationship.

 

How do I forgive him? Why do I still want him even though he hurt me? We were friends for a year before we dated.

[PegNosePete]

Why on earth do you want to be "friends with the ex"? Especially one who treated you badly? How do you think a friendship with this guy will enhance your life?

 

This is always a bad idea when there are still unresolved feelings. The best thing you can possibly do to get over him, is to go cold turkey. That means NO CONTACT.

 

Once the feelings have gone, then maybe, maybe you can talk to him without anger and be friends. Maybe. But first you need to wait until the feelings have gone. The best way to achieve that is to not have any contact with him at all.

[salparadise]

 

due to him not respecting my needs.

I told him how much he hurt me

I didn't believe a single word he said.

I told him I would never get back together

I ended the conversation saying...

put my needs first and put me first

I don't think he will change

 

I want to be able to talk to him without anger, I want to be able to forgive him. When I talked to him I was angry and deeply saddened by how little he valued me in our relationship.

 

How do I forgive him? Why do I still want him even though he hurt me? We were friends for a year before we dated.

 

 

Well, I don't know the back story or anything about what needs he wasn't meeting or in what way you were secondary to something or someone else... but, it sounds like to me that you are bitter. If you want to forgive and equilibrate then you need to let go of that bitterness.

 

I'm not hearing a single word of compassion or empathy towards him. Perhaps he wasn't able to meet your needs to the degree you wished. Perhaps he was selfish and didn't make much of an effort... if so those are legitimate reasons to end the relationship, but probably not enough reason to be bitter.

 

But based on what you're saying and the tone you're using, it sounds like you consider not getting your needs met to your satisfaction to be an egregious offense. Other people might simply accept that he wasn't willing or able and therefore not a good match, so time to move on. I'd say that the moment you quit seeing yourself as a victim, is the moment you'll be able to forgive and move on peacefully.

 

I think we all have a concept of what we should expect, some more rigid than others. If he simply couldn't meet your needs, why is that such an issue? That would make him just like a few million other men of whom you have no expectation, right? But if this anger comes out of the expectation that you should have all that you believe you deserve, that he failed to deliver and is therefore solely responsible for your unhappiness... then releasing him from his contract taking that responsibility as your own would seem appropriate.

 

As I said, I don't know the back story, so if he kicked your dog, banged your sister, short-sheeted your bed or something awful like that, then I can't say that I'd blame you for being angry.

[itsdinaah]

I think part of the reason I was so mad is because he was like my best friend before we dated. I felt like he hurt me as a friend and a girlfriend.

 

It's actually not as awful as I made it seem he just didn't contact me enough and always made me feel like I was second best compared to his friends.

 

I think the best way to handle this is to not talk to him until I resolve these bitter feelings.

 

Thank you for your responses

[lolablue17]

Sometimes we all enter to this trap of "expecting other people to do what WE think they should do".

 

It happens for example to parents who are use to their little kids, and when they get to age 16, they starting doing as they like, usually not what they parents would like them to do, which creates many conflicts.

 

You had him as a friend. When you started being a couple you've created a role which you've thought he should fit in. You haven't accept him as he was, and have developed expectations (Which were created in your mind). When he didn't play his role, you called it "He does not respect my needs".

 

He probably did not respect your needs, as you said, but you should ask yourself did your needs were realistic, with regard to this specific man?

[itsdinaah]

It wasn't really a role I tried to put him as much as some basic things I wanted in a relationship like contact since we only saw each other every other week or so. I agree with what you said though, you can really force someone to do the things you want them to do. He started getting distance a few months before we got together but I overlooked it because I liked him. He had his own issues to deal with and I just wish we had stayed friends instead of dating.

[basil67]

I ended the conversation saying I wanted a man who put my needs first and put me first. He hasn't texted me back since.

 

Perhaps part of forgiving him is to realise how selfish your own request is. A good relationship isn't about putting one person's needs above the other person's needs. It's about taking turns and compromise. Sometimes you put your needs on the backburner for him and sometimes he will put his on the backburner for you.

 

Asking a man to put you and your own needs first just makes you sound like a spoiled diva....and frankly, it's not surprising you haven't heard from him again.

 

Anyway, forgiveness comes from letting go of anger. It takes time, but eventually he will be but a distant, vague memory for you.

[Leucine]

Agree completely with the above. When you texted him the part about wanting a man who "puts your needs first", his first thought would probably have been "good luck with that and good riddance".

 

Both partners indeed need to value each other in a healthy relationship, but even if he wasn't doing that, it sounds like you may need to do some self-assessment and ask yourself if your expectations are/were realistic. He said he needed time for himself, if that's not something that goes down with you then you two are not a match and you should not spare another thought to it. People manage to forgive and move on not only after being neglected, but also wronged and betrayed in various ways much more horrible than not feeling respected due to not enough contact.

[itsdinaah]

I don't feel like I was being selfish or being a "spoiled diva." There are certain things that everyone wants in a relationship and I have gotten it with every guy except this one. Not like I was asking for the world I just wanted him to keep in contact since we didn't see each other a lot, only about twice a month.

 

I asked in a previous post about his behavior and almost everyone said he didn't seem interested. It was my fault for ignoring the advice and getting into a relationship with him.

 

He has since then texted me and apologized. I apologized too for not having realistic expectations and he said I didn't do anything wrong.

 

I agree we're not a match and if we were to have anything in the future, it would only be friendship.

[Blanco]

You aren't his child. Why should he put your needs before his own? Does that mean you would put his needs before your own?

 

Healthy relationships don't exist under the pretense that each person should make the other's needs their top priority. The needs of your partner need to be considered and tended to, but they shouldn't come before anything else.

[itsdinaah]

I just wanted to see how he his day went, how he was doing. I always made time for him, I just didn't feel like he made any time for me. That was the only need I had.

 

I wanted was our communication to be better, he didn't care about so we broke up.

 

Everyone has a deal breaker, that was mine. I don't see how that makes me selfish. It's how I determine if a man cares enough about me.

 

Here is the thread I created a few days before we broke up so you all can hopefully understand the backstory.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/554359-haven-t-spoken-boyfriend-two-days

[newmoon]

let a few years go by and if you want to still be friends, by all means .. go for it. 2 months out? there is no hope for friendship just yet and no reason to maintain a friendship. if he was a friend of yours before you dated and you couldn't make a relationship work, then i doubt you'll make a friendship work afterwards

[itsdinaah]

let a few years go by and if you want to still be friends, by all means .. go for it. 2 months out? there is no hope for friendship just yet and no reason to maintain a friendship. if he was a friend of yours before you dated and you couldn't make a relationship work, then i doubt you'll make a friendship work afterwards

 

I completely agree. There's still residual feelings and I don't want to think about everything that went wrong in our relationship every time I talk to him. I think it would just be better to move on and heal with time.

[whichwayisup]

Don't bother with renewing any friendship, a year from now or 4 years from now. Once you get over him and meet someone else, get into a new relationship, any desire to be in contact, let alone form a friendship with him will disappear as you'll view him as an 'ex boyfriend' and not want him in your life.

 

He treated you poorly throughout your relationship, it ended and him contacting you to say 'hi' was partially him fishing and he didn't contact you to apologize, if he did he would have apologized first, not wait for you to bring up.

 

Focus on your other friends and family, forget him.

[itsdinaah]

Him contacting you to say 'hi' was partially him fishing and he didn't contact you to apologize, if he did he would have apologized first, not wait for you to bring up.

 

What do you mean by fishing?

[Glynda]

I never try to stay friends with exes, it only makes moving on more difficult for both parties. One will think that things can go back to how they were and when that doesn't happen, someone gets hurt.

 

Best to just move on.

 

Glynda