MAJOR red flags just 5 days into the relationship. Is she bipolar?

[Els]

I've gone or taken people to the ER several times for things that were disturbing but not life threatening. Need for stitches; a prescription drug reaction; bad headache; animal bite that needed antibiotics/tetanus shot...

 

Were they admitted (which implies warded) or just seen by a doctor, given a prescription, and sent home? To be fair, I don't know if the US does things differently, but I've worked in a hospital and have never encountered anyone being admitted for minor stitches or a headache (and it doesn't make sense that anyone would, ward space is expensive).

[MidnightDream]

I'd suggest ending it over phonecall or text, you've only been dating. Not like your in a 6 month relationship. I would feel unsafe ending it in person, not even for the 'stabbing' issue people keep referring to, but because she might be able to manipulate you to stay with her in person, which means it will be even harder when you try leave her again.

 

Heck, she'll no doubt try manipulate you into staying with her through text/phone call.

 

I'm going to be honest OP. There's no good way of this ending, she's going to cause a scene no matter what. It's up to you if you want to try calm it down, or if you want to run for the hills before she can really get mad.

[lollipopspot]

Were they admitted (which implies warded) or just seen by a doctor, given a prescription, and sent home? To be fair, I don't know if the US does things differently, but I've worked in a hospital and have never encountered anyone being admitted for minor stitches or a headache (and it doesn't make sense that anyone would, ward space is expensive).

 

I guess the OP would have to come back and say more about what was wrong with the grandparent, but it's not clear to me that this was more than just being seen be a doctor. My experience in this country is that people don't stay long in the emergency room, but are rather just seen by a doctor there. If you need to stay, you are taken out of the emergency room and admitted into the hospital ward.

[lolablue17]

You should listen to your guts. If you don't like her, why stay?

 

Maybe I like problematic girls but non of the things you mentioned here, feels a red flag to me. I kind of like her. She's obviously very insecure. But she's REAL!

 

98% of the girls (and guys) will never say what they think in the first period of courtship. All the other girls seem reasonable, sane, normal because they are well experienced controlling their behavior. They have better social knowledge how to hold back, ans say the "right" words.

 

This girl doesn't have those skills apparently. She tries with no success to "be ok". To talk about marriage after 2-3 days it's the most stupid thing a girl can say to a guy she likes. It's hilarious. So the fact that she did mentioned marriage, shows to me that she is extremely honest, has no skills of putting a barrier between her thoughts and her mouth. I find it extremely charming.

[Els]

I guess the OP would have to come back and say more about what was wrong with the grandparent, but it's not clear to me that this was more than just being seen be a doctor. My experience in this country is that people don't stay long in the emergency room, but are rather just seen by a doctor there. If you need to stay, you are taken out of the emergency room and admitted into the hospital ward.

 

They are admitted through the ER and then passed on to the relevant ward here. ER usually has to do the initial admission. If someone was just seen, given a shot/script/stitches and sent home, we don't say that they are admitted.

 

But I don't think it's very relevant - does it even matter? Even in the odd case that her dad was genuinely just admitted for a headache (which is stretching it, but lets just say that), everything else that the OP mentioned is reason enough to run really far and fast. And the last thing he needs to do now is to ask her about her dad.

[Teknoe]

Guys, I been reading about the suggestion of "Borderline Personality Disorder" (BPD) and it really rings a bell. My guess is she's BPD. Not that I wanted her DAD to be admitted to the hospital/intensive care unit, but in a weird way I'm glad it happened the way it did. When she got off that phone call with her mom dropping the bombshell on her, most normal 30 year old women would be crying or going "Oh my goodness, I need to go visit my dad now."

 

Instead she stared blankly at me and asked, "So, can we go to your parents' place now?"

 

It was 10000% clear at that moment that she isn't merely eccentric, or quirky, or a bit odd... but in fact she has some kind of mental illness. I'd seen the signs the past 4 days here and there but because of my 11 year drought and the incredible rush of positive emotions I was willing to overlook it all.

 

Not wanting to see your ill father that you live with just to meet someone's family? That's something even Stevie Wonder can see that is absolutely wrong. When I asked if she should maybe consider visiting her dad instead of meeting my parents, it was like a switch flipped. She got very defensive and started blubbering on incessantly about the dumbest things such as:

 

1. But we already made plans. I can't cancel on your parents.

2. I live with my dad. I see him everyday. I eat lunch with him everyday.

3. My dad has been to ER many times already. He's always made it out OK.

4. I just believe he'll be OK, OK? Can you just please believe with me, and go see your parents?

5. If he passes, and we go see your parents, I won't hold this against you. It will be on me

6. I don't want to go to the hospital. It will make me cry.

 

After all these absurd claims/attempts, I had to question her on #6. "Is this more about you, or your sick father?"

 

She kinda just shrugged, gave me a mean look and got super defensive.

 

When I realized there was no use, I relented and agreed to drive her back to my parents' house. Thankfully, she did a token "hi, nice to meet you" talk for 3 minutes and leave routine. I was so relieved when I got her out of my driveway. She drove off and I recall thinking "Man there goes a ticking time bomb. Man am I glad I'm not marrying her or getting an apartment with her."

 

She pulled every manipulative trick in the book. From promising marriage in 1.5-2 years to moving in together so she can cook for me, saying I'm the only one she'll ever love... it's sad. She admitted the other day that she's had at least 15 boyfriends in her life. I can see why. She's pretty so naturally guys are going to bite. But sooner or later they all realize she's mentally ill, and they leave. And then she finds the next victim.

 

Honestly, I was thinking about it a little while back and I genuinely feel sorry for her. 30, unemployed, still lives at home with parents who put hr down everyday, no real friends, probably has BPD, etc. I feel bad for her but there's nothing I can do. Really just a sad situation all around.

[frus69]

i hope she doesn't kill you when you break up with her man

[oregon0011]

Sounds like bpd. I can almost guarantee what will happen.

 

Right now she is love bombing you most likely. Sex will also be amazing.

 

Then as soon as you "get close" she will run away, find someone else, cheat, and act like you never existed. These types cannot ever get close to someone.

But you will still possibly justify her actions. She will come back once you are gone. And it will keep going on and on.

[loveweary11]

AW, MAN!

 

Read your other thread about breaking the 11 year drought. Sorry it was acid rain.

 

 

If you want to get out of this safely in terms of her not attacking, make sure SHE breaks up with YOU.

 

Text more pic of her, do something where she says you should break up, then agree with her and don't see her again.

 

That's your best chance out with the least drama with mental illness.

 

Source: Was married to the mentally ill for 10 years.

 

 

 

You're right. I need to run. Should I break up through phone call or in person?

 

What scares me though is she knows my:

 

-work address

-home address

-Facebook

 

FB is easy as I can defriend her before I break up with her. (I wouldn't trust her to NOT write something crazy on my wall).

 

But a little scared that she knows where I live and work. Trying to think of the nicest way to let her down and not have her become vindictive.

[Snakechammah]

Oh dear... I was so rooting for you and happy that you finally found someone.

 

 

As a woman, I wouldnt even want to be her friend, much less date her as a man!! I'm sorry you picked a crazy one, maybe it's a trial-by-fire process, the next one will be better!

 

Do watch your back after you break up with her - don't prolong it any longer. Don't be a "nice guy" either, she will use your kindness as a weakness (they always do), pretend to be one of those PUA jerk-face wannabe players and do all the WRONG things so that SHE breaks up with you.

 

Then run as far as you can. Change the locks, change your facebook profile pic and go incognito. Also, prepare your work colleagues for any sightings of the loony and watch your rearview mirror at all times.

 

Be safe, and next time, don't just fall for a pretty face!

[Gaeta]

Honey, I have been single for 11 years as well. When a man re-enters my life it will be to enhance it, not to make it difficult and fill it with drama. This woman is bat crazy. Her issues are hers and please don't make them yours. Go back out there and find a nice lady that will adore you.

[oregon0011]

This sounds counter intuitive but if you want to get rid of her tell her you love her, text constantly, buy her flowers etc. being a jerk will make you more of a challenge and she will pursue. Trust me. It works.

[xcupid]

Listen to your gut on this one. Way too much drama over small things. Good luck!

[Glitters]

This sounds counter intuitive but if you want to get rid of her tell her you love her, text constantly, buy her flowers etc. being a jerk will make you more of a challenge and she will pursue. Trust me. It works.

 

How about her done the same to OP, to get rid of him ?

[lilmissjava]

On the surface, we all have really high expectations. Perfection almost. As time goes by (and in OP's case, 5 days), the flaws, the behaviour and personalities of potential partners begin to unravel. Although attraction is what lured you in, perhaps it makes good sense that there is a balance that lacks in this girl that equates to issues with mental stability.

 

Things are only going to get worse, but if you nip it in the bud now, it will save you both a lot of unnecessary grief.

 

Don't end it by text, or FB, or phone. Even if it is only 5 days, you both deserve that acknowledgement that neither of you are right for each other in person. If things are seemingly too good to be true, they probably aren't.

 

11 years is a long time, and if you go into dating with a "no expectations, no disappointments" attitude, your experiences will be more rewarding in the long run.

[AspenBaldwin]

So what if she didn't went to see her progenitor at the Hospital?

Not all 'fathers' deserve their childrens love.

[oregon0011]

On the surface, we all have really high expectations. Perfection almost. As time goes by (and in OP's case, 5 days), the flaws, the behaviour and personalities of potential partners begin to unravel. Although attraction is what lured you in, perhaps it makes good sense that there is a balance that lacks in this girl that equates to issues with mental stability.

 

Things are only going to get worse, but if you nip it in the bud now, it will save you both a lot of unnecessary grief.

 

Don't end it by text, or FB, or phone. Even if it is only 5 days, you both deserve that acknowledgement that neither of you are right for each other in person. If things are seemingly too good to be true, they probably aren't.

 

11 years is a long time, and if you go into dating with a "no expectations, no disappointments" attitude, your experiences will be more rewarding in the long run.

 

He owes her absolutely nothing in person after 5 days. Let's remember. Chances are she is mentally ill. This will only make her want him more, and he will get sucked in probably by having sex.

 

Do you think this girl will do that same for him? Meet. Sit down. Talk. Explain why she doesn't want to date? Not a chance on earth.

[lilmissjava]

He owes her absolutely nothing in person after 5 days. Let's remember. Chances are she is mentally ill. This will only make her want him more, and he will get sucked in probably by having sex.

 

Do you think this girl will do that same for him? Meet. Sit down. Talk. Explain why she doesn't want to date? Not a chance on earth.

 

This was OP's option B: Telling her in person why he doesn't think it will work long-term and never speak to her again.

 

I applaud him for wanting to do that and be honest and upfront about the whole thing.

[Fuerza]

Whoa what a story, I'd run too and please do take our advice! If she ends up doing something crazy like stalking you, you can still get a restraining order.

 

Just break up with her in a tactic manner, don't tell her 'I think you're bipolar and I can't handle that'. Tell her something like 'you're an amazing girl but I'm not ready for a relationship'. Just do not put the blame on her or she might flip out!

[Downtown]

Teknoe, I agree with StBreton, ExpatInItaly, Oregon, and you that the behaviors described -- i.e., the verbal abuse, low self esteem, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving) and Hyde (hating) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Given that you've already started reading about BPD, you likely already know that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

I don't think she's crazy or anything, but something is definitely "off" with her.

Even if your exGF were to have full-blown BPD, she would not be considered "crazy" because BPDers see physical reality just fine. That is, they don't believe that the TV newscaster is speaking to them personally. When it comes to close relationships, however, BPDers do have a distorted perception of their partners' intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to represent a "thought distortion."

 

It is simply the human condition that we all experience these thought distortions whenever we have very intense feelings (e.g., anger or infatuation). And we all are very aware that they occur every time our feelings are intense. Indeed, by the time we were in high school, we already knew that our judgment goes out the window when intense feelings occur.

 

This is why we try to keep our mouths shut and our fingers off the keys until we have time to cool down, allowing our good judgment to return. Well, BPDers are like this too. The main difference with them is that, because they lack skill in controlling their own emotions, they experience intense feelings far more frequently than the rest of us -- creating far more distortions in their perceptions of other people.

 

If you are still interested in learning any more about BPD red flags, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Teknoe.

[FadedSign52]

I hope for your sake you don't have a pet bunny. I bet she'd be a lot of fun in bed though

[hasaquestion]

Make up a reason to break things off. Anything.

[KatZee]

I'm breaking it off with her tomorrow, and I'm going to be very nice and gentle about it.

 

You're dating a certifiable lunatic, and you're going to dump her, over the phone, on CHRISTMAS?

 

Now, I see why you remained with this person as long as you have, even though it's only been 5 days.

 

Your judgement is seriously lacking.

[Teknoe]

She texted me to one over to bring some food but I said I will be busy. Haven't dumped her yet but I accepted her Christmas family party the other day so I have to cancel on her for that sooner or later. The whole situation is not ideal. It is what it is. At this point I just want her gone and am glad it went only five days. Been reading that exiting a BPD relationship tends to have the "normal" person reeling. But I don't think it'll be that way for me. I just want to get back to some normalcy.

[dobielover]

That's not enough info for me to know if the emergency room thing is a problem. Not everything that goes to the emergency room is life threatening or all that serious, or it may be some chronic or repeating thing he has not yet controlled that he has handled there.

 

Agreed. My dad has been admitted several times in the past year. I'm not going to discuss his medical issues, but it's not life-threatening, but not something that can be handled at home.

 

I'd also be annoyed if a guy I met less than a week ago was sending my picture around.

 

That all having been said, I find it funny that the onus is entirely on this girl. The OP started a thread saying he was thrilled to be in a relationship with a girl after having literally JUST MET HER. And then he AGREED to the idea of MARRIAGE after just a couple DAYS.

 

And she's the only crazy one? Huh?