MAJOR red flags just 5 days into the relationship. Is she bipolar?

[Timshel]

I guess maybe this is a case of "easy come, easy go" and "if it's too good to be true..." My fear is she has a bipolar personality but far worse than that is she seems to be in denial of said condition.

 

**You told her she may be/is bipolar and she is 'in denial?**

 

So I posted a topic here recently that I entered my first relationship after an 11 year drought. I was happy to find someone I liked and vice versa for the first time in nearly a dozen years.

 

 

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were just awesome days. We met and kissed on Friday. Saturday we hung out all day and Sunday as well. The first red flag cropped up late Sunday night, however. At the time it didn't seem like a red flag, as I figured commitment is a good thing right? Plus, she's 30 and I'm 32; we're not young puppies anymore and maybe it's normal-ish for new couples in their early 30s to do this. She brought up the topic of MARRIAGE and I honestly was happy and on board. Even though it only been 72 hours since we met, I felt such a strong connection to her and the idea of marrying her in late 2017 was very appealing indeed. However, looking back in hindsight, I see what a red flag this truly was.

 

**So, within 72 hrs. of knowing this woman from any other on the face of the earth, conversations of marriage occurred and you, OP entertained.... but in this thread you present her with a mental disorder?**

The second red flag came the following day, Monday. It was like I met a completely different person. Remember the trailer to The Perfect Guy, where the guy seems all perfect in the beginning but then he snaps at the gas station? To a lesser degree it feels like my relationship with this girl is a female version of "The Perfect Guy." And I'll tell you why.

 

 

I came to her place Monday and she grabbed my phone to check my texts. She saw two texts I sent to two platonic female friends showing them her picture and letting them know that I met a really cool girl over the weekend. She got offended (I was surprised by this reaction, if anything I would have thought she would have been proud or humbled). She flipped off, going "Maybe you should leave. Maybe this isn't going to work out. You didn't even ask for my permission whether you could share my photo with them or not. I feel like my privacy has been invaded."

 

 

I was like whoa. Cooler heads prevailed and I ended up staying and we hung out the rest of the day.

 

**She is not the only woman on planet earth that has only known a man for three days and does not want pics floating around for reasons so far not apparent, since you have known each other for 3 days. No internet for me, tanks. Whoa, cooler head prevailed.....**

Later that night she initiated a 3-way text between me, her and a mutual friend we also met Friday night. The guy friend and I kind of teased her through the text messages. All in good fun. For example she was late to our Friday night outing, I said 30 minutes, he said more like 50 and we both did the "lol :P" thing as to signify that it was all in good natured fun. She then sent me a private text saying "Why should I be with someone who lacks common sense? I don't appreciate you and him throwing me under the bus like that." I was taken aback. I told her it was just a joke but she refused to see it as such and said "It was malicious. It's enough for me to end this now."

 

 

Cooler heads prevailed and we went on having fun.

 

**Yes, fun you had, though she felt uncomfortable and asked you to stop, again, cuz how well do you really know her to be teasing her so thoroughly? Ooops, obvs, well enough.**

 

 

Then today... this might be the final straw. We were out together and I asked her if she wanted to come home to meet my parents. She said yes.

 

Then her mom called her to let her know her 75 year old dad just got admitted into emergency care. She hung up and was like "So, when do we go to your parents' place?"

 

I was like "....... um, shouldn't you go visit your father instead?"

 

"Nope, he'll be OK."

 

"Um, he's 75 and in emergency care. I wouldn't feel comfortable with you meeting my parents when that can wait."

 

She then got upset and said "Look, he's OK, OK?! He's been to the emergency room before a couple times in the past year. He'll be fine. I believe it. But right now we need to go see your parents."

 

"Um..."

 

**Yes Um...would be correct; for two reasons, one you do not know her well enough in the first place to invite her to meet your parents and second...her family emergency is well....hers. Again, you don't know her well enough to know her family dynamics...do you?**

 

And then she kept defending her decision and got really upset. It was a little scary, but moreso disturbing. She's got to have some kind of mental illness or something. She said she made plans to meet my parents and can't cancel them. I told her "Yeah, but sometimes life throws us a curveball and we have to go with priorities." She refused to see it from my point of view. She wanted to drive on the freeway but I refused to let her seeing as how flustered she was. She finally relented and let me drive.

 

The ride to my parents' was awkward. I avoided eye contact with her as she pleaded for me to understand and forgive her. And to say that I'm cool with everything. And that she needed me to say it was OK for her to feel OK. I seriously felt like I was sitting next to someone with serious mental issues. It scared me. There's no way I can marry her or start a family with someone so unstable and ready to flip out at the drop of a hat when things don't go her way. My guess is she's bipolar.

 

 

So my options are:

 

A. Ignore the red flags and date her still. Despite her red flags, when she's "normal" she's quite a blast to be around.

B. End it now and tell her in person that this just isn't going to work out long term. Never speak to her again.

C. Still date her but slow down and let her know she needs to get tested for her mental health. I want to help her.

D. Quit dating but offer to stick around as a friend and help her through her struggles (i.e. maybe walk her through the process of getting tested to see if she is bipolar, etc.)

 

 

There's actually a bit more to the story than this. I just can't type everything up. But some signs she's shown me includes:

 

-Instant crying over very small things

-Extremely insecure

-Low self esteem

-Verbally puts her own self down

-Victim mentality

-Can't adapt and change plans

-Makes bad decisions constantly; lacks a sense priority and focus

-Admitted that her previous BF broke up with her and cited "You're not tactful" as a driving reason

 

 

She is 30, finishing up the last semester of school, and unemployed. And broke. I think I better end this. The sooner, the better. I was blinded by the fact that I do find her attractive, that it's been 11 years and that the first two days or so felt like something out of a "coming-of-age" movie. In the cold light of day though, I know I need to be wise and avoid this ticking time bomb. I guess I owe it to her to break up in person. I said yes to attending her family Christmas party. Not sure if I should back out now or go and tell her the news then. Gosh, what a crappy situation this has turned out to be

 

**Perhaps she is having a rough time. In a similar situation, I would also be a tad stressed. A ticking time bomb? She is hurting and stressed...with being broke, last semester of school and unemployed. Then there is dad who is in ER again, at this point I think her mistake was simply seeking comfort in a stranger. Huge mistake.**

 

Sucks, as I really wanted this to work and thought after the weekend that maybe I finally caught a lucky break... back to square one now, I guess. This is turning out to be a Hollywood drama... I don't think she's crazy or anything, but something is definitely "off" with her.

 

**Clearly you do think she is crazy as you have presented her as such. What amazes me is that with only the information that OP has provided and knowing her for only 72 some hours....this poor girl has been 'diagnosed' with mental illness.**

 

OP, don't call her, tweet or text her. Walk away and leave her alone. It is the best for both of you. In the future...slow things down a bit. Don't hang your future or slander a woman over a weekend affair.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Timshel

[Rejected Rosebud]

I definitely agree that it is WRONG to be diagnosing this girl and trash talking her. Obviously the OP needs to extricate himself as soon as possible.

 

Nobody who thinks they are "in a relationship" after one date is excused from responsibility when things turn out to be crazy. I think it'd be expected.

[Teknoe]

OK, I guess I'll share this extra tidbit of info as well:

 

When I called her Thursday night (the night before we actually met) she told me to call her back because she was in trouble. I asked what kind of trouble and she said,

 

"I'm at my school taking a Final. I caused a scene, I tried to break the window with the chair and the police had to escort me out."

 

Yeah, I know, I'm stupid. I should have ended it there but her pictures showed off the kind of girl I've always dreamt of being with. Curiosity got the worst of me and I trudged forward.

 

She later mentioned "At Thanksgiving my brother got in a huge fight with me. The cops came. He stormed off and called me bipolar." That was the first time the idea of her being bipolar or having BPD came to my mind. Her brother said that to her face. The guy who has known her for 25+ years. Yeah, I think that's enough said.

 

The last thing I want to mention is on her Facebook she created a post in late September going:

 

"I think my parents are trying to starve me to death purposely. They keep eating my food and won't feed me. At this rate, I'm going to die. Someone please help."

 

She received 29 comments on that one, including one that said:

 

"____, I'm so sorry to hear how bad things have gotten for you. I offered you a job and place to stay last year. Unfortunately, both offers are no longer available. I hope things get better. Take care of yourself, please."

 

Another "friend" wrote "Parents starve you to death? Aren't you 30 and a full grown adult?"

 

This was the night before it all crumbled for me. At that point I couldn't ignore the red flags any longer and just knew there's something not quite right with her. The next day we met and I finally had it. I saw her in a completely brand new light.

 

As for ending all contact with her, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Thank goodness she's got nothing on me, per se, like an expensive watch or what have you that I left at her house, but I did accepted her Xmas party invite for tomorrow night as well as she said she has 3 gifts ready to give me.

 

My plan is

 

1. I can't make the Xmas party

2. Please keep the gifts and do with them as you please

3. I'm not ready to date yet. I have issues I need to work on first. I wish you the best.

[Rejected Rosebud]

OK, I guess I'll share this extra tidbit of info as well:

 

When I called her Thursday night (the night before we actually met) she told me to call her back because she was in trouble. I asked what kind of trouble and she said,

 

"I'm at my school taking a Final. I caused a scene, I tried to break the window with the chair and the police had to escort me out."

 

Yeah, I know, I'm stupid. I should have ended it there but her pictures showed off the kind of girl I've always dreamt of being with. Curiosity got the worst of me and I trudged forward.

 

OK. Curiosity got the best of you and she looked hot, so you met.

 

Why did you enter into what you called "a relationship" immediately, then? What stopped you from taking a bit of time, especially since you realized that there was something seriously wrong?

 

I think you need to be spending this time looking at yourself and what you were thinking instead of further cataloging her crazy.

 

You are almost definitely going to have some troubles getting out of this. Don't get bogged down, the details about her don't matter. Just move on.

[JS84]

Why would you take a woman like that, one you barely even know no less, to meet your parents??

 

Anyway I agree with the rest. And ya she sounds like she has a decent amount of BPD traits.

[Downtown]

She later mentioned "At Thanksgiving my brother got in a huge fight with me. The cops came. He stormed off and called me bipolar." That was the first time the idea of her being bipolar or having BPD came to my mind. Her brother said that to her face. The guy who has known her for 25+ years. Yeah, I think that's enough said.

Perhaps she does have bipolar disorder, Teknoe. Anything is possible. Indeed, roughly a third of female BPDers also suffer from co-occurring bipolar-1 disorder.

 

Yet, as StBreton, ExpatInItaly, Oregon, and JS84 have observed, the behaviors you describe are warning signs for BPD -- not bipolar. If you're interested, I describe the striking differences I've seen between those two disorders at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. That description is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

[lilmissjava]

Tidbit of info turns out to be something out of Girl Interrupted.

 

[loveflower]

Agreed. My dad has been admitted several times in the past year. I'm not going to discuss his medical issues, but it's not life-threatening, but not something that can be handled at home.

 

I'd also be annoyed if a guy I met less than a week ago was sending my picture around.

 

That all having been said, I find it funny that the onus is entirely on this girl. The OP started a thread saying he was thrilled to be in a relationship with a girl after having literally JUST MET HER. And then he AGREED to the idea of MARRIAGE after just a couple DAYS.

 

And she's the only crazy one? Huh?

 

This...................

[wheream_i]

I came to her place Monday and she grabbed my phone to check my texts. She saw two texts I sent to two platonic female friends showing them her picture and letting them know that I met a really cool girl over the weekend. She got offended (I was surprised by this reaction, if anything I would have thought she would have been proud or humbled). She flipped off, going "Maybe you should leave. Maybe this isn't going to work out. You didn't even ask for my permission whether you could share my photo with them or not. I feel like my privacy has been invaded."

 

 

I was like whoa. Cooler heads prevailed and I ended up staying and we hung out the rest of the day.

 

Dude, this alone. No way in hell I'd be able to hang out with a chick after that. She went through your phone? Lol, yeah I don't f*cking think so.

 

Get rid of her. Yes, on Christmas.

[Teknoe]

I texted her a it's me not you sort of message. I ended it with I hope you can understand. She replied that she does. She took it very gracefully but the next couple weeks will be telling. Not out of the woods just yet. I also texted her to let her know I can't attend her Christmas party tomorrow and to save the gifts she bought for me for Mr. Right or return them, as I wouldn't feel right accepting them at this point. Basically I wanted to eliminate anything that she could use as an excuse to meet up

[miafarrow]

Man if you like posted her photo on FB or like taking her picture at that time and texting to someone and she saw all of that...I'd say that YOU are a jerk!

 

But she is nuts! Taking your phone???

 

2nd about her father I can understand...Maybe he is diabetic and it's a common thing every now or then or has asthma, so.... I don't see a red flag for that, he probably has some desase that regural with emergency visits...

 

If it were a first time I would call her nuts again!

 

3rd man you are not much sane then her.

 

Met her on friday, she spent the whole day on sunday, then meeting your parents on bloody monday!?!!?!? 3 days??? Parents time? with a stranger???

 

Getting abused by your own phone use...!?!? I'd get turned off

 

Marriage talk, seriously after 3 days??? Well I did talk with my guy I like on a first day about marriage in general, about my future, his future what we want to do and stuff...but not like together!!!

 

He did whatsapped his parents and his sister about me, because we did find something funny and we have the same nationality and found each other like 4000 kms on another continet almost away! But this your things with a person...that are not even spontaneous but are forced from YOU and HER!

 

I think you are not better then her....You are forcing

She is possesive and has issues because her dad is dying and she is so tortured by that fact and probably can't watch him die for a long time so she wanted to go to you parents house...but still she is possesive freak.... who knows? whats with her dad and her reactions are like that...

If I ran to a hospital with my mom whever my grandmother was in emergency room...I would have a free time...

Edited December 25, 2015 by miafarrow

[Teknoe]

Man if you like posted her photo on FB or like taking her picture at that time and texting to someone and she saw all of that...I'd say that YOU are a jerk!

 

But she is nuts! Taking your phone???

 

2nd about her father I can understand...Maybe he is diabetic and it's a common thing every now or then or has asthma, so.... I don't see a red flag for that, he probably has some desase that regural with emergency visits...

 

If it were a first time I would call her nuts again!

 

3rd man you are not much sane then her.

 

Met her on friday, she spent the whole day on sunday, then meeting your parents on bloody monday!?!!?!? 3 days??? Parents time? with a stranger???

 

Getting abused by your own phone use...!?!? I'd get turned off

 

Marriage talk, seriously after 3 days??? Well I did talk with my guy I like on a first day about marriage in general, about my future, his future what we want to do and stuff...but not like together!!!

 

He did whatsapped his parents and his sister about me, because we did find something funny and we have the same nationality and found each other like 4000 kms on another continet almost away! But this your things with a person...that are not even spontaneous but are forced from YOU and HER!

 

I think you are not better then her....You are forcing

She is possesive and has issues because her dad is dying and she is so tortured by that fact and probably can't watch him die for a long time so she wanted to go to you parents house...but still she is possesive freak.... who knows? whats with her dad and her reactions are like that...

If I ran to a hospital with my mom whever my grandmother was in emergency room...I would have a free time...

 

I never said I was perfect, lol. And FTR, no, it wasn't a FB pic share. God no. I'm smarter than that. She sent me a selfie to my phone. I sent that pic to my platonic female friend to let her know I hit it off with this girl.

 

I have my own set of issues as well. I haven't been in a relationship in 11 years. I'm a little rusty, and was overly excited after I kissed her on our first date and she kissed back. I've always been the kind of guy who wants to meet the right one and settle down. I'm OK talking about marriage DOWN THE ROAD if I feel an instant connection with someone like I did with this girl. And we were discussing marriage for the future as in late 2017, not next year, lol. I don't see a huge issue with this, honestly, especially when the girl is 30 and the guy is 32 (if the chemistry is instantly off the charts and both people are like-minded).

 

However, this episode has taught me to slow down in the future and be a little more mindful of taking it slower.

 

BTW, she just followed up with another text, and I'm not sure how to interpret this. I hope it's meant with good intentions and not bad ones (i.e. showing up at my home or work place to cause a scene or some drama)

 

Her: Actually, I'm a bit hurt

Her: But I understand how you feel

Her: and I know what I have to do so I'm just going to move on without any regrets. Sorry I'm not a better person for you

 

"and I know what I have to do so I'm just going to move on without any regrets" ---> I hope she means she knows what areas she might want to focus on and move on from this relationship with zero regrets as opposed to "I know what I have to do in order to get back at you and so I'm moving on with my plans with no regrets." *shudders* After reading about BPD last night, I read quite a bit that when dumped, people with BPD tend to lash back in ways that may shame or cause hurt to you or your property.

 

Really praying that she just quietly fades out of my life. And that she finds someone new to latch onto.

Edited December 25, 2015 by Teknoe

[NopeNah]

I never said I was perfect, lol. And FTR, no, it wasn't a FB pic share. God no. I'm smarter than that. She sent me a selfie to my phone. I sent that pic to my platonic female friend to let her know I hit it off with this girl.

 

I have my own set of issues as well. I haven't been in a relationship in 11 years. I'm a little rusty, and was overly excited after I kissed her on our first date and she kissed back. I've always been the kind of guy who wants to meet the right one and settle down. I'm OK talking about marriage DOWN THE ROAD if I feel an instant connection with someone like I did with this girl. And we were discussing marriage for the future as in late 2017, not next year, lol. I don't see a huge issue with this, honestly, especially when the girl is 30 and the guy is 32 (if the chemistry is instantly off the charts and both people are like-minded).

 

However, this episode has taught me to slow down in the future and be a little more mindful of taking it slower.

 

BTW, she just followed up with another text, and I'm not sure how to interpret this. I hope it's meant with good intentions and not bad ones (i.e. showing up at my home or work place to cause a scene or some drama)

 

Her: Actually, I'm a bit hurt

Her: But I understand how you feel

Her: and I know what I have to do so I'm just going to move on without any regrets. Sorry I'm not a better person for you

 

"and I know what I have to do so I'm just going to move on without any regrets" ---> I hope she means she knows what areas she might want to focus on and move on from this relationship with zero regrets as opposed to "I know what I have to do in order to get back at you and so I'm moving on with my plans with no regrets." *shudders* After reading about BPD last night, I read quite a bit that when dumped, people with BPD tend to lash back in ways that may shame or cause hurt to you or your property.

 

Really praying that she just quietly fades out of my life. And that she finds someone new to latch onto.

 

11yrs or not,single...Chalk this one up as a lesson! She's out there,man..Glad you didn't get stabbed.. Please don't be in the '2nd chance' forum posting about her next year,,,

[StBreton]

11yrs or not,single...Chalk this one up as a lesson! She's out there,man..Glad you didn't get stabbed.. Please don't be in the '2nd chance' forum posting about her next year,,,

 

 

Or someone like her OP. Be careful who you choose as a potential partner. You're vulnerable/eager right now after a long hiatus...which can lead to impulsive/not well thought out decisions. Anyone who comes on as strong as this girl did (almost love bombing) should give you cause for concern...they have very soft boundaries or lack thereof...this likely carries over into other areas of their life.

[joseb]

OP, she's is obviously nuts so good it's not going anywhere further.

But as a couple of people have pointed out, you should be concerned by your own behaviour.

Spending 3 days in a row with someone you just met?

Meeting parents inside a week?

Talking marriage and thinking it's a good idea after a few days?

You need to slow way the fookack down when you next meet someone.

[Erik30]

Now that you've ended it, you should block her.

The texting probably won't stop. If she really has BPD, she won't just let this go.

She's already trying to make you feel bad

[SmartDude]

I would have stayed for the sex. At least for a little while. :cool:But then again, I have been in a relationship with a partner who has BPD. You need to have excelent reflexes

when she throws things at your head(beer bottles). Out of all the times my ex tried, she only hit me once.

[ASG]

Absolutely RUN.

 

About you sharing her photo with your friends, some girls are very private about their romantic life. So I would have asked her before you shared her pics with your friends.

 

Also, the family thing would have definitely been the last straw. If someone in my family was rushed to the hospital, no WAY would I want to be anywhere but with my OWN family. Meeting a new significant other's family would absolutely have to wait.

 

Early on in the relationship, I won't prioritize someone else's family over my own.

 

I have a somewhat different view on the family thing. My dad has been in and out of hospital so often that we just don't make a big deal of it anymore and definitely don't spend all our time there when he is admitted. We visit, daily or every other day, but life DOES go on.

 

so maybe with her dad it was the same. Maybe it was the same problem, that the family know is gonna be ok and there is no big rush.

 

As for everythibg else... I don't have a comment. I don't even know how you can be in a relationship with someone you met a week ago.

[brokengirl85]

Wow, this was intense to read.

First of all, you must be REALLY desperate to go on a date with someone and feel excited she talked about marriage. Wtf.

Five days and you've met the parents, she bought you three Christmas gifts and invited to a family party. Wtf

You gave her all your info, address, Facebook, job info. Wtf????

 

I honestly think she might have a mental issue, but YOU are such an easy prey for psychopaths. She sensed your desperation and if it weren't for this kind people on this forum who told you to run, you've probably be broke yourself or in jail, or who knows where.

 

Please, take care of yourself. Your story is highly disturbing, but not for that woman but because of your ingenuity and desperation.

[brokengirl85]

OP, she's is obviously nuts so good it's not going anywhere further.

But as a couple of people have pointed out, you should be concerned by your own behaviour.

Spending 3 days in a row with someone you just met?

Meeting parents inside a week?

Talking marriage and thinking it's a good idea after a few days?

You need to slow way the fookack down when you next meet someone.

 

Exactly my thoughts! This guy needs help immediately or he'll end up with another psychopath. My guess is he was lucky to hear all the people here, but he's in such a vulnerable position right now it's disturbing.

[oregon0011]

Exactly my thoughts! This guy needs help immediately or he'll end up with another psychopath. My guess is he was lucky to hear all the people here, but he's in such a vulnerable position right now it's disturbing.

 

He handled it well actually. Many guys would hang around much longer for the sex. And keep in mind when dating sexy single women it is almost always some level of crazy.

[katiegrl]

He handled it well actually. Many guys would hang around much longer for the sex.

 

 

 

**And keep in mind when dating sexy single women it is almost always some level of crazy.

 

::eyeroll::

 

What is with you guys from Oregon?

 

There was another dude from Oregon on this board who was recently banned for making such sexist and misogynistic remarks.

 

Newsflash -- no, there is not *almost always* some level of crazy when dating sexy single women.

 

Not to mention, sexy single women do not have the market cornered on crazy.

 

Crazy comes in all shapes and sizes ....both women AND men!

[PrettyEmily77]

You don't know each other - that's the bottom line, OP.

 

On that basis (and also on the basis that you are not qualified), I really think you should stop giving a medical diagnosis to ppl you don't know.

[brokengirl85]

You don't know each other - that's the bottom line, OP.

 

On that basis (and also on the basis that you are not qualified), I really think you should stop giving a medical diagnosis to ppl you don't know.

 

I couldn't agree more with your comment. Him being obsessed trying to give her a diagnosis is weird.

 

I don't even know who's the craziest here, if him or her :/

[Teknoe]

Yeah I admit I was desperate to find true love that I made some very poor choices with this girl. However, I learned a lot from it and am confident going forward that this will make me wiser for future relationships. I just thought I met the right one and that marriage and having my own family was a legit possibility with her. I broke up with her after five days so at least I kept it short. I read that some people stay for months or even years. More power to them. I just couldn't handle the insane mood swings. She was sweet like 25% of the time but mean 75% of the other time