Could therapy for a newly-diagnosed anxiety disorder possibly bring us back together?

[wildest-dreams]

My ex broke up with me just last week, and I've been distraught and crying my eyes out. So here's the story:

 

Throughout our 5-year relationship, I had been a very jealous person. I would feel suspicious of the women around him, as he has several female friends, many of whom are the loud, excitable type that he likes to joke around with. He is quite withdrawn, and mostly just really seems to come out of his shell when he's around loud, outgoing women (yes, specifically women), so I guess I got insecure and jealous. In any case, I don't know if this makes sense to you, but I swear that deep down inside, I knew he wouldn't cheat, but my brain would not shut up and would obsessively, repeatedly think about these women around him.

 

Friends would tell me to just stop it, to just chill. Believe me, I wanted to. I tried. I would be okay and then I'd just get a thought all over again. I really couldn't. "Why can't you?" they would ask. I had tried therapy and read self-help books, but I really don't know why I couldn't just stop. My former therapist tried to work on my insecurities but it wasn't really specialized therapy; he was quite nice, but it felt mostly like an advice session. He had suggested that if I couldn't stop thinking those things, I could tell my BF that that was my problem and not his, and that I just needed the occasional reaffirmation. But of course he said that doing it all the time wasn't good. I tried to keep it under control, so arguments lessened, and I stopped getting so hysterical towards him. But that didn't mean that I never had those thoughts; I still had them... a lot, and I really had no idea why. Some friends offered to be a sounding board for those thoughts, just so I had someone to voice them out without hurting my BF - which, later on, turned out to be a mistake.

 

So here's what happened before the breakup, and what led to it:

 

A month before the breakup, after another episode, a friend who was familiar with mental illnesses suggested that maybe I had an anxiety disorder, and that I should get myself tested. I talked to one counselor, who said that indeed, it seemed like I had it, and he then referred me to someone specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It was pricey, but I really wanted to change, to give myself and everyone peace of mind and to make our relationship better. I was going to commit to it. At this point, I told my BF that I might have an anxiety disorder, and he said, "OK, I'll support you."

 

Then, just last week, he got mad at me. He said that one of his female friends felt uneasy about me, and he said that it was my fault for making her feel that way, because I had been suspicious of her in the past (she liked to make jokes with him like "I love you for your body" and had made fun of me at some points, and I felt disrespected; he said I was just looking for a fight). He stonewalled me for days, and the day of my first appointment with the therapist, he was still stonewalling me. I told him about my diagnosis (it was, indeed, an anxiety disorder, but it was treatable) but he didn't respond.

 

Finally, a few days later, he blew up at me again, saying that one of those friends whom I ranted to told him that I had a lot of irrational thoughts running in my head, and that I complained that he was always siding with the "disrespectful" girl. I'm not sure if my "friend" ratted me out voluntarily, or if he'd gone snooping behind my back, but either way, he'd had it and called it quits. He said that he didn't give a **** if I had anxiety and was gonna get therapy, told me to get out of his life, and blocked me everywhere.

 

With or without him, I'm gonna continue with the CBT, but of course I hope we can get back together. I know he wasn't perfect, but I still love him. Some say that maybe he could've done more to make me feel at ease, and that he really showed a rather suspicious bias towards this friend (for instance, she confessed to making fun of my lovey-dovey posts on social media, but my ex said that there was no reason to tell her off because she was just retaliating at me for feeling uneasy about her, and he even said that I was worse for complaining about her), so I'm confused now. In any case, I blame myself. Knowing about my anxiety is liberating in that I now know what's wrong with me, and knowing the problem is one step closer to solving it, but I also hate that I have this disorder. I wish I'd never had it, or I wish I'd known sooner; then maybe our relationship could've been salvaged. I wish I'd put two and two together earlier and realized that maybe it's anxiety, but it's not like I go around googling and self-diagnosing; I thought maybe I was just a huge worrywart but that there was no clear, identifiable disorder for that. I wish he could've stayed to see me continue with therapy; he said he'd support me...

 

I don't know anymore. I know that you guys aren't him, but if you were my ex, would you give me a second chance knowing that I'm committed to getting therapy? (And yes, had I known earlier, my first thought would be, "Yes, I will get therapy." Expensive as it is, I would've found a way.)

Edited December 24, 2015 by wildest-dreams

[goldway90]

"He said that he didn't give a **** if I had anxiety and was gonna get therapy"

 

Listen to me you don't need this guy in your life anymore, you deserve someone who'll support you when you're going through hard times, anxiety disorder isn't a joke. I don't think you should take him back even if he came begging for forgiveness.

 

I'm glad you're going to therapy but don't do it for him, it's for YOU, keep working on yourself and you'll be fine.

[cupcakebunny]

I don't think you should go back. Yes, mental health issues can cause a strain on relationships, but this guy does not sound like he was a peach. The fact that you're blaming your anxiety disorder for all your relationship problems is a HUGE red flag. HUGE.

 

 

From what I can infer, this is a guy that doesn't want to date. Or at least not seriously. The fact that he's withdrawn from you and only outgoing and having fun around other women is telling. I can't speak to how you are -- some people are really jealous and overly so -- but a lot of the times it's not for nothing. Before my relationship went sour, there was never a second I thought he would cheat. I was never jealous of his girlfriends and he had a few good ones because what he did was show me that, at the end of the day, he was happiest with me. So I was always really confident and never cared that he went out with them when we were apart.

 

 

The fact that he gives you reason to doubt and then tries to use your anxiety issues(which are actually all encompassing and never just about your relationships) against you is sort of gross. Just let this guy stay blocked. Go to therapy to help you and forget about him.

[Chronotrgr]

I have to agree with the posters above, I know reasoning isn't going to be all that affective right now in your head, not when you have an anxiety disorder, I imagine it's bringing on a pit of despair of you.

 

In my opinion, I have to applaud you for giving 5 years of your life to this man, I couldn't possibly be with somebody who spent all her time hanging around a mass of feller's, it would destroy me, everybody gets jealous of friends of the opposite sex, that's just natural, but I think as you get older you start to put a lid on it at least, I don't feel you can have a healthy relationship without prioritising your significant other.

 

I feel your painyhay ex pretty much told me I was on my own as well when it came to therapy and even when it came to physical problems that had me hospitalised, yet my feelings for her outweigh this and even now I contemplate "maybe one last try will change it all"

 

Break up's are really hard but focus now on what you can, focus on healing and focus on your therapy, become the person you want to be and hopefully once your confidence starts to come back, you'll be saying "to hell with that man".

[wildest-dreams]

Listen to me you don't need this guy in your life anymore, you deserve someone who'll support you when you're going through hard times, anxiety disorder isn't a joke. I don't think you should take him back even if he came begging for forgiveness.

 

I think he'd already had enough of me at that point, sadly. There was one time when we were arguing, and I said I'd try going to a therapist to get a diagnosis for anxiety. He (the ex) responded, "So I have to wait much longer for you to get better?" I don't know if he said that in the heat of the moment, because another time I asked, "What if I do have anxiety?", he said he'd support me. But considering what happened afterwards, I think he just couldn't wait for me to get better according to the pace he wanted.

[goldway90]

I think he'd already had enough of me at that point, sadly. There was one time when we were arguing, and I said I'd try going to a therapist to get a diagnosis for anxiety. He (the ex) responded, "So I have to wait much longer for you to get better?" I don't know if he said that in the heat of the moment, because another time I asked, "What if I do have anxiety?", he said he'd support me. But considering what happened afterwards, I think he just couldn't wait for me to get better according to the pace he wanted.

 

It doesn't matter at this point and i don't think you should be sad about it, you don't need toxic people in your life. Just focus in getting better, this should be your main goal and seriously don't take him back because you can already see he's not patient enough to wait or read about what anxiety is.

[wildest-dreams]

Yes, mental health issues can cause a strain on relationships, but this guy does not sound like he was a peach. The fact that you're blaming your anxiety disorder for all your relationship problems is a HUGE red flag. HUGE.

 

 

From what I can infer, this is a guy that doesn't want to date. Or at least not seriously.

 

Thanks for this. It's been nearly three weeks, and I sometimes wonder if he's done some reflecting, or if he blames the death of the relationship on me alone. He can be overconfident about himself, so I think he's probably blaming me for everything.

 

To be fair to him, we were serious. The problem was that he valued his immature banter with his female friends just as much, and did not want to compromise on that because he felt that I should not have a problem with it because it's not like he was flirting or cheating. That's his and his friends' logic; they don't seem to understand that different people have different levels of comfort.

[wildest-dreams]

I have to agree with the posters above, I know reasoning isn't going to be all that affective right now in your head, not when you have an anxiety disorder, I imagine it's bringing on a pit of despair of you.

 

In my opinion, I have to applaud you for giving 5 years of your life to this man, I couldn't possibly be with somebody who spent all her time hanging around a mass of feller's, it would destroy me, everybody gets jealous of friends of the opposite sex, that's just natural, but I think as you get older you start to put a lid on it at least, I don't feel you can have a healthy relationship without prioritising your significant other.

 

I feel your painyhay ex pretty much told me I was on my own as well when it came to therapy and even when it came to physical problems that had me hospitalised, yet my feelings for her outweigh this and even now I contemplate "maybe one last try will change it all"

 

Break up's are really hard but focus now on what you can, focus on healing and focus on your therapy, become the person you want to be and hopefully once your confidence starts to come back, you'll be saying "to hell with that man".

 

I agree with you that as you get older, having immature fun with your friends should take a backseat, really. But it seemed that my ex didn't want to grow up just yet. *sigh*

 

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. It's tough, isn't it? We know they hurt us, but we still want them back. Why does life have to be like this?

 

Thank you so much for the advice and insights!