He can't look in the mirror because of me

[Daisy2013]

This is long, I'm so sorry. Just having to write as it is therapeutic and I'm "lost."

 

He tells me he feels overwhelmingly convicted and at times cannot look at himself in the mirror because of us. He is a Christian and holds several teaching positions in our church, and wants to be a good influence on his grown children and show them what commitment in marriage is. He is miserable in his M and married for the wrong reasons (per him), but because this is his 3rd M, it is in cement and he won't D. They have no kids together, each have their own for previous M. He said he made a vow before God when he got M and that is why he won't leave. He was a baby Christian back then (15 years ago) and really wants to honor God. He said he was warned by his wife's ex-husband and brothers about how she was, but I think he was caught up in a "good woman" who didn't show her true self till she snagged him (his words). But, I digress...

 

He says we do not know what the future holds and always says if I can handle hanging on when he goes through these times, it it up to me. That we will see where it goes. That he doesn't want to give me up and that he loves me dearly and wants to spend his life with me. He says he will hold on to his dream of a future with me. I don't see how because of the "cement" he spoke of. He will not do a thing to make us real, yet says to "hold on." I don't get this.

 

I love this man. He came after me and when he kissed me the first time, I felt like I was at "home" and that this is what it should be. His name was running through my head as he was kissing me and I couldn't believe it. We had been friends for 10 years, working together at church. I never told him I had feelings for him because we were married. Then he kissed me and it took off.

 

He says I am his first. The first time he's had a woman just love him for him. He is almost 61, 11 years older than me. He says it gives him great joy being with me and bringing me pleasure.

 

I love him. I ask him how we reconcile us with his guilt and he replies "I don't know. We are friends first and we will work this out." I don't comprehend how.

 

I love him. The thought of him not being able to look in the mirror because of me is killing me. When he stands before God he says he wants to be told "Well done my good and faithful servant." I am messing that up.

 

Because I love him, I have to walk away. I want him to honor God because that is where his heart is. He usually takes his ring off when he's with me, but the last few times he left it on. I can't help but wonder if he left it on trying to remind himself of his commitment, but failed, once he put his arms around me.

 

How do I walk away, yet stay his friend? We try to behave. We always go back to each other. If I shut him out, he will be fine. He worries really only about his comfort and will move on along. Our entire R is based on him and his convenience. When I tell him that, he says it's not true, that he puts himself at risk every time he sees me and makes time for me. (She calls him if he is 10 minutes late getting home.). I will be left with a hole in my heart, and empty. Four years worth of a hole. But I care about him too much to be the cause of his self-loathing.

 

I have to say goodbye. Have to walk away. Part of me feels like I've been taken for a ride. The other part knows it's my fault, as well. It's all up to me. If I hang on, one day he will despise me.

[Cymbeline]

This is his third failed marriage? That's quite a lot. His comments sound narcissistic and self centred: he likes you because he believes you love him 'for himself'. It seems that you feel that too.

 

At fifty, I would have thought you might have garnered a little more awareness of yourself and others, but you sound naively childlike in your romanticism - as if suffering and sacrificing makes your love greater. Get a psychologist.

[imsosad]

I did not read it all. First few lines were enough for me.

His third marriage?

He cant leave his M because of God biy he can cheat?

Ill tell you what i think. This guy is cake eating,period. His M is likely way happier than he'd have you believe, he wont leave because he doesnt want to.

He cant look himself in the mirror?

I get that. Thats how i felt during my A. So i ended it. It didnt make all the guilt go away,but it got much better.

Again,i didnt read everything but through skimming,i get the impression he's nit worthy of your time.

[sandylee1]

Walk away and try and get a new job.

I honestly find it in poor taste when those who proclaim Christianity engage in extra marital affairs.

 

He blames his current wife.. how about the other 2 failed marriages? Their fault as well was it?

 

Don't be the dirty secret anymore and live an authentic life free of infidelity. If you are not happy in your own marriage... then get divorced.

 

He's basically saying you can be his mistress for life... imagine if he died and this came to light... how lousy his memory would be.

[Lovetoohard]

Sounds like he enjoys playing victim. If he was a good Christian man, he would do right by his wife and divorce her before engaging with another woman. Walk away from him. It's not your job to be a safety blanket for a 61 year old man.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[CarrieT]

He says I am his first. The first time he's had a woman just love him for him. He is almost 61, 11 years older than me.

Oh.My.God.

 

61 years old and he has NEVER had a woman love him like you do? That you are his first?

 

What a load of bullsh*t that you have been fed - and you swallowed hook-line-and-sinker.

 

The guy is a total user and abuser of women. And you are groomed as the next one.

[Daisy2013]

Thanks to you who have replied. I know it was a long read and even I don't bother reading novels posing as threads. There is just so much bottled up inside, and acknowleding the truth that love is action more than words. There is no better way to express it than letting loose so he can be the man he really wants to be. To hang on is selfish. To come to grips with it is difficult...to give up the dream.

 

Thanks, again.

[Dylon]

It's really hard to give helpful advice when it seems obvious that it's not a good thing that you got yourself into. However, we are not you and we don't really know him like you do. I would say at his age, he's not going to switch over to you and if he does, better be soon. There's a lot to be said about affair that it must be focused on the now, the day to day things, the enjoyment. You need to protect yourself from expectation and getting hurt if you won't leave the situation. Really need to keep it "real" in your mind. Best wishes to you.

[Popsicle]

You can't stay friends. You have to let him go.

[Popsicle]

And I wish you would walk away to save yourself rather than to save him, but whatever works.

[ladydesigner]

You can't stay friends. You have to let him go.

 

Totally agree. When I was MOW my xOM and I stayed in contact as 'just friends' and it was because of that, that I feel my healing would not start. I eventually went NC because I could not remain friends.

[anika99]

Oh.My.God.

 

61 years old and he has NEVER had a woman love him like you do? That you are his first?

 

What a load of bullsh*t that you have been fed - and you swallowed hook-line-and-sinker.

 

The guy is a total user and abuser of women. And you are groomed as the next one.

 

This was my first thought too, when I read that line. OP the guy has a string of failed marriages and I doubt that you are the first woman to love him. Prior women probably loved him just fine until he destroyed that love with his selfish warped thinking. Once you go he will sadly lament that you are yet another woman who didn't really love him for himself, and he will cry the victim blues. Poor poor MM.

 

Good for you for walking away. I would not get a moments pleasure from being with a man who felt like being with me was a sin or shameful. To me, sex and love should be something that makes both people feel uplifted, positive and proud. A guy making love to me and later saying he felt ashamed or guilty would instantly crush any good feelings I have about him or us.

[whichwayisup]

You stay, you'll be second fiddle and the OW in life indefinitely, missing out on a lot. Or you end it and walk away, grieve and grieve until you choose to pick yourself up and start living again. This guy is NOT going to divorce, he'd told you so... Yet he feels so bad and guilty, can't look himself in the mirror but still cheats. He'd be better off divorcing and freeing his wife so she can find someone else - And he can be with you. How things are now is sucking for you.

 

I wish you strength to end it. And no way can you two be 'friends'. It can either be affair or nothing. Or he divorces and marries you (though i doubt you want to be wife #4).

[burnt]

Let's see…

 

He's 61 and he's asking you to 'hold on' for a vague possibility.

 

In the name of GOD, infidelity is ok, but divorce is not.

 

He's having a hard time looking at himself in the mirror, but he wants to continue doing what he's doing.

 

He says it gives him great joy being with me and bringing me pleasure.

The second part of him bringing you pleasure sounds really narcissistic.

 

When he stands before God he says he wants to be told "Well done my good and faithful servant." I am messing that up.

 

hmm…

really??

 

<sarcasm> isn't that so lovely and sweet </end sarcasm>

[sandylee1]

He basically sees you as a sin then? You're stopping him from being called a good and faithful servant. This man is sick in the head.

 

Be free of the dead weight and move on Daisy.

[goodyblue]

My h was a deacon in the Catholic church. He left his ex wife, left his deaconal duties, and we have been together for some years now.

 

If he was going to leave NOTHING would stop him. I am sorry he is doing this to you. The least he could do is be honest.

[Poppy47]

it's a bit late to be worried about being a role model to his grown children now.

 

he should have thought of that 3 marriages ago!!

 

The man's nothing but a hypocritical clown.

 

Poppy.

[Daisy2013]

How things are now is sucking for you.

 

I wish you strength to end it. And no way can you two be 'friends'. It can either be affair or nothing. Or he divorces and marries you (though i doubt you want to be wife #4).

 

Yes, things suck. he claims he wants to be with me, but says this is just the way it has to be for now. That he has to pretend to be the good husband and play all his roles and be to all what is expected.

 

When he says he wants a future and I ask him how we can make steps to be together and what is his plan, he says he does not know. He says we have to survive on our memories and love until we meet up again.

 

I wish I could quote each of you. I appreciate you taking the time to help me through this on Christmas Eve. I told him each Christmas that passes, I keep hoping the next we will be together. He replies, "Me too, and then that would mean Thanksgiving together etc.". Ugh.

[amomwhoknows]

Sweetie

 

The man knows how to divorce. I am betting that all his previous marriages ended because of infidelity on his part (don't expect him to be honest about this with you). Third marriages have a nearly 80 percent divorce rate -- can you imagine the divorce rate for 4th marriages.

I know you deserve better.

 

You said giving up the dream is difficult, but I can almost guarantee you that life with him will be a nightmare.

[Shadowburn]

I think you should give him an opportunity to look in the mirror with pride.

End it, walk away and let this cake-eating a-hole to honor his faith properly.

He is not going to divorce at 61 - his chances of dying from the heart attack tomorrow are much higher than that.

Love and peace xo

[whichwayisup]

I do not believe the real reasons he's giving you why he can't divorce. It could be he's ashamed to be ending yet another marriage and then re marrying a fourth time, having to deal with reaction, family members, etc..etc..

[waterwoman]

3 marriages already? Hmm.. I wonder what the common denominator to these might be? Poor love! Perhaps he's just been very unlucky.

[Popsicle]

I do not believe the real reasons he's giving you why he can't divorce. It could be he's ashamed to be ending yet another marriage and then re marrying a fourth time, having to deal with reaction, family members, etc..etc..

 

I'll go further, I don't believe he wants to divorce at all. I think he's starlight up lying and knows it. I think he does it to continue cake eating. He is older and wiser and knows he had to say these things to keep an woman around.

[Popsicle]

The only time you two will be together is in heaven, sweetie.

[OldRover]

Daisy,

 

WOW,

 

Red flags are all over this one.

 

First, he's been married three times... how about the "cement" in his first two?

 

He "could" really feel that you are his "first true love", but would bet that's a bunch of BS. Heck, you just don't fall in love by knowing one for 10 years... it takes a bit more interaction with each other and certainly some intimacy. You haven't been there, have you? You imply only a kiss. Sure seems like "lust", and not love.

 

And you're both married? Do you really profess your faith in church? Have you really professed your faith to your respective spouses?

 

Can you really see where this is going?

 

It will probably be the affair from hell. Has all the makings. Good luck with that one. Right now you have shown no reason to consider divorce for him or yourself. Do you think a "love on the side" will even work?

 

Hope you find a solution and I'd bet the majority of folks here would say the solution is to promote your own marriage and totally get this OM out of your life.