He can't look in the mirror because of me

[Daisy2013]

Daisy,

 

WOW,

 

Red flags are all over this one.

 

First, he's been married three times... how about the "cement" in his first two?

 

First he said he was young and she was nuts and left him. Second one, they were married a while and had 3 kids and fought a lot. He said she was a b&$ch. He then found God and she said he was boring and he told her God would always be first. Infidelity on both of them. With this wife, from what I think, he was a new Christian and thought she was a good choice. His words to me "She's a good woman, but not for me." She put on airs to catch him as she needed someone to support her and her daughter. His words. He didn't file for D with the others, they did. He said he's never left a wife.

 

He "could" really feel that you are his "first true love", but would bet that's a bunch of BS. Heck, you just don't fall in love by knowing one for 10 years... it takes a bit more interaction with each other and certainly some intimacy. You haven't been there, have you? You imply only a kiss. Sure seems like "lust", and not love.

 

We were friends and worked together in ministry (not our "real jobs, just in our church) for 10 years beforehand and got to know each other. We have fun and laugh a lot (his words). Our relationship has been going on for 4 years in this way. Four years ago, when he kissed me, I had already liked him, but never said a word because we were both married. To this day, I never would have first move. But when he did, I fell hard.

 

And you're both married? Do you really profess your faith in church? Have you really professed your faith to your respective spouses?

 

We are both professed believers. He is very active in church, teaching etc. I dropped from teaching. I only attend now. I can barely go and cannot even read scripture anymore. I suppose my sin has shut me off from God, whereas with him, the Holy Spirit is onto him big-time.

 

Can you really see where this is going?

 

Yeah, nowhere. We are good for a while, then his guilt kicks in, then we calm down, then start up again. I've asked him if he wants me to go away and if he is just to chicken to tell me. He is very conflict avoidant to the extent it is sickening. He says "no, I want you. I want to be with you. But God.... He asks that I just accept him and his struggles and hold on when he goes through these times.

 

It will probably be the affair from hell. Has all the makings. Good luck with that one. Right now you have shown no reason to consider divorce for him or yourself. Do you think a "love on the side" will even work?

 

Obviously it isn't me who is enough to spur him on, despite all the things he has told me. It makes NO sense. He just wants to live out his life in peace so that is where he will stay. I don't know what else to do. There is nothing more I can say or do to show him I love him. Nothing I do is good enough. If he said he was the least bit happy or satisfied with his M, but just bored, I'd leave so fast there would be dust. But, he won't say it. So I have to believe he is miserable, but honoring his commitment to God.

 

Hope you find a solution and I'd bet the majority of folks here would say the solution is to promote your own marriage and totally get this OM out of your life.

 

Thank you.

[CarrieT]

I am not a Christian but I always find it interesting to read these types of threads.

 

He is honoring his commitment to God?

 

What about honoring his commitment to his wife? Didn't he make vows to her regarding fidelity?

 

And if he can't be true to his earthly vows, what does that do to his spiritual vows?

 

How can you both profess to believe when you are both acting so horrifically? Why not confess to your spouses to help relieve your guilt?

[privategal]

When your in love and an A fog you cant see clearly.

The guilt he's describing is him having you beloeve he's not a bad guy operating without a conscience, and also to build a sympathetic alibi, in case he decides to end it you will not blow up and expose him but rather feel sad for him and his guilt and being trapped with his horrible wife.

He's telling you he will never leave, can never divorce, Im not sure how you cant see that 'being together' means staying his mistress on his terms, never having him as your own, for real dates, holidays, vacations.

Be together means rushed sex, secret calls, and hurried secret emails, stolen one second texts...your as together as your ever gonna be.

Your trying to believe he didnt mean he will never divorce.

And he means it.

And the lines he uses on you, he uses on everyone he had extra marital relationships with. This is my first time Ive found true love...pleeaasseeee

[OldRover]

When your in love and an A fog you cant see clearly.

The guilt he's describing is him having you beloeve he's not a bad guy operating without a conscience, and also to build a sympathetic alibi, in case he decides to end it you will not blow up and expose him but rather feel sad for him and his guilt and being trapped with his horrible wife.

He's telling you he will never leave, can never divorce, Im not sure how you cant see that 'being together' means staying his mistress on his terms, never having him as your own, for real dates, holidays, vacations.

Be together means rushed sex, secret calls, and hurried secret emails, stolen one second texts...your as together as your ever gonna be.

Your trying to believe he didnt mean he will never divorce.

And he means it.

And the lines he uses on you, he uses on everyone he had extra marital relationships with. This is my first time Ive found true love...pleeaasseeee

 

SOOOOO TRUE....

 

Both are clearly acting like hypocrites, and have no honor or commitments they believe in, God OR spouse.

 

OP,

I you truly believe you need this behind you, you need to confess, get him totally out of your life (even if you have to move you *ss out of town, or certainly don't go to that church again.... ever). You cannot live in any kind of peace hiding this, and I'm surprised if he could either.

 

And the guy is REALLY a piece of work, if what you say is true.... absolutely NO commitment to anything....except perhaps a piece of tail.

[Daisy2013]

See responses in bold.

 

I am not a Christian but I always find it interesting to read these types of threads.

 

He is honoring his commitment to God?

 

What about honoring his commitment to his wife? Didn't he make vows to her regarding fidelity?

 

He's never mentioned guilt re the wife, only that he had to "play house" and be a good husband

 

And if he can't be true to his earthly vows, what does that do to his spiritual vows?

 

How can you both profess to believe when you are both acting so horrifically? Why not confess to your spouses to help relieve your guilt?

 

I don't know. Obviously, he is struggling. My M is another story altogether and I was so empty and dead when he came along and pursued me and confessed his feelings, it gave him this hold over me I can't explain. Everyone sees it but me. I would be screaming as loud as I could if it were my friend in this situation. I'd probably become disgusted with her I'd ask her to not discuss it with me anymore.

[Daisy2013]

When your in love and an A fog you cant see clearly.

The guilt he's describing is him having you beloeve he's not a bad guy operating without a conscience, and also to build a sympathetic alibi, in case he decides to end it you will not blow up and expose him but rather feel sad for him and his guilt and being trapped with his horrible wife.

He's telling you he will never leave, can never divorce, Im not sure how you cant see that 'being together' means staying his mistress on his terms, never having him as your own, for real dates, holidays, vacations.

Be together means rushed sex, secret calls, and hurried secret emails, stolen one second texts...your as together as your ever gonna be.

Your trying to believe he didnt mean he will never divorce.

And he means it.

And the lines he uses on you, he uses on everyone he had extra marital relationships with. This is my first time Ive found true love...pleeaasseeee

 

The fog, you get it. Can't see clearly. This post, as well as some others, sting. I'm hoping he hasn't had a string of affairs and I'm hoping certainly not while he has been with me. He did admit cheating on his 2nd wife, but he said it was after she cheated on him.

 

To Old Rover, as I don't want to fill this thread with my own posts, yes, what I have said is true. No reason not to be truthful here. In fact, what I've written is just the tip of the iceberg, actually. I know this is bad, it is a horrible or thing to do. Never in a million years did I expect to do something like this. Never.

 

Y'all have given me much to think about. While I may not respond to each, each has touched me and given me pause to think. It is time to get out of this. This forum is my strength. Thank you.

[CarrieT]

Daisy, you started posting here over two years ago about this affair.

 

Specifically,

2 weeks ago, after an incredible time together, he did it again [ended it] in a very hurtful way. This time, I won't go back, and I think he won't either. He told me the turmoil was too much, and no matter how he feels, he has to honor his commitment.

 

I'm genuinely curious how many years you will subject yourself to this pain?

[Daisy2013]

Daisy, you started posting here over two years ago about this affair.

 

Specifically,

 

I'm genuinely curious how many years you will subject yourself to this pain?

 

I don't know. He does this to me and always comes back saying he didn't mean it. Or says "I didn't say that, you are imagining it." I think I was so empty when he came along, I am stuck. He gave me love and I was able to give love, and that's all I've ever wanted, is to give to someone. My H and I don't have that, he's never really cared what I did.

 

I think though that I am wearing out, and becoming empty again (I know that feeling well.) It is upsetting me after feeling "fullness" for the first time, and I am afraid to let go. Scared, actually. But there is nothing to hold onto. It's time. Thank you for your rapport with me.

[Popsicle]

When your in love and an A fog you cant see clearly.

The guilt he's describing is him having you beloeve he's not a bad guy operating without a conscience, and also to build a sympathetic alibi, in case he decides to end it you will not blow up and expose him but rather feel sad for him and his guilt and being trapped with his horrible wife.

He's telling you he will never leave, can never divorce, Im not sure how you cant see that 'being together' means staying his mistress on his terms, never having him as your own, for real dates, holidays, vacations.

Be together means rushed sex, secret calls, and hurried secret emails, stolen one second texts...your as together as your ever gonna be.

Your trying to believe he didnt mean he will never divorce.

And he means it.

And the lines he uses on you, he uses on everyone he had extra marital relationships with. This is my first time Ive found true love...pleeaasseeee

 

Right. Some MM use the "Poor me" routine and "I'm doing XYZ (read: thing that hurts you) for you, OW", but honestly, that routine only works on women who WANT to hear it and want it to work. It's self-serving for both. Some women wouldn't buy it for a second, though, because they need something more. I guess it's worth a shot though.

[Marc878]

I know his type. Probably the first one in church to jump up and say "Praise God"!

 

All show and no dough.

 

Heart as black as spades.

 

Sorry you are here.

[sandylee1]

I know his type. Probably the first one in church to jump up and say "Praise God"!

 

All show and no dough.

 

Heart as black as spades.

 

Sorry you are here.

 

^^^^^^^ This

 

 

Hypocrisy to the max. People decide to pick and choose what areas of their faith to follow and to try and justify it.

 

He's not got a clue about true religion. There's a good reason 2 other wives left him.... He's not a good man, but you are fooled and manipulated into thinking he is.

 

Never mind him not being able to look in the mirror... how do YOU look in the mirror yourself. ... let's not just blame your AP..... it takes 2 to tango.

[bathtub-row]

Personally, I think he's full of crap. These religious people who claim to be something they're not really get under my skin. A person doesn't "try" to be moral, ok? If he's so devoted to God and all that, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. Pure and simple. Like the majority of religious hypocrites, he likes to talk a good story but just can't quite pull it off. Yet, that song and dance sure gets him off the hook a bunch of times, doesn't it?

 

I think there's a reason why you feel played. The truth is, even if he is sincere - which I don't believe - you need to end it since he obviously isn't in control of himself enough, and prayer obviously isn't working, either. This "because I love him" rationale will do nothing but wreck your life.

Edited December 26, 2015 by bathtub-row

[AspenBaldwin]

Jaysus, what a drama queen you got there, unless you disfigured him with acid I fail to see how he can't look at himself in the mirror.

[Daisy2013]

Personally, I think he's full of crap. These religious people who claim to be something they're not really get under my skin. A person doesn't "try" to be moral, ok? If he's so devoted to God and all that, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. Pure and simple. Like the majority of religious hypocrites, he likes to talk a good story but just can't quite pull it off. Yet, that song and dance sure gets him off the hook a bunch of times, doesn't it?

 

I think there's a reason why you feel played. The truth is, even if he is sincere - which I don't believe - you need to end it since he obviously isn't in control of himself enough, and prayer obviously isn't working, either. This "because I love him" rationale will do nothing but wreck your life.

 

Thank you. All I am reading is telling me he's full of it, and I try with all I have to believe his words. I so wanted to believe he loved me. It's time for real for me to walk away, as it is wrecking my life. Yes, I am 100% guilty on my end and deserve what I am experiencing. Quite frankly, I'm smarter than this, hold a great job and earn a great income, and am not even certain where my head is anymore and how I let myself fall so low. I used to be a decent person. Raised my kids right and got them through high school with no issues, and they are doing well as young adults and have values. Never would I have ever thought I'd find myself in an A.

 

I know why and the reasons I am stuck if I want to psychoanalyze myself. But, none of that matters. It's time to exit stage left and I will. Thank you, again.

[Daisy2013]

^^^^^^^ This

 

 

Hypocrisy to the max. People decide to pick and choose what areas of their faith to follow and to try and justify it.

 

He's not got a clue about true religion. There's a good reason 2 other wives left him.... He's not a good man, but you are fooled and manipulated into thinking he is.

 

Never mind him not being able to look in the mirror... how do YOU look in the mirror yourself. ... let's not just blame your AP..... it takes 2 to tango.

 

I accept blame and it is 100% my fault. You want to know how I feel? Like a fraud when I'm with my family, I don't belong. My H is a stranger to me because I gave up waiting for him to pay attention to us and turned to another man when I was ripe for the picking. I'm told I was groomed to be this man's OW long before it happened and I didn't see it coming. It is painful at home. Many times I think I should just go away and leave them be as I have betrayed them.

 

I can barely go to church and only go because I help behind the scenes and am counted on. I attend zero extra functions because he will be there playing "good husband, teacher, deacon," whatever. However, he will make his way over to me to bump himself into me several times when I am there, which is his public hug. But, he leaves with her.

 

I can't read scripture anymore because I know what i am doing is wrong and am pushing it down. But it is going to end.

 

I see trash is the mirror, someone who seems strong to everyone, but who knows she is weak and worthless. Are you happy now?

[lemondrop21]

I know his type. Probably the first one in church to jump up and say "Praise God"!

 

All show and no dough.

 

Heart as black as spades.

 

Sorry you are here.

 

That made me laugh out loud for the first time all day, I needed that!

 

MM would have had to show up at Mass yesterday given that it was Christmas and I bet the guilt was in full force.

[lemondrop21]

I accept blame and it is 100% my fault. You want to know how I feel? Like a fraud when I'm with my family, I don't belong. My H is a stranger to me because I gave up waiting for him to pay attention to us and turned to another man when I was ripe for the picking. I'm told I was groomed to be this man's OW long before it happened and I didn't see it coming. It is painful at home. Many times I think I should just go away and leave them be as I have betrayed them.

 

I can barely go to church and only go because I help behind the scenes and am counted on. I attend zero extra functions because he will be there playing "good husband, teacher, deacon," whatever. However, he will make his way over to me to bump himself into me several times when I am there, which is his public hug. But, he leaves with her.

 

I can't read scripture anymore because I know what i am doing is wrong and am pushing it down. But it is going to end.

 

I see trash is the mirror, someone who seems strong to everyone, but who knows she is weak and worthless. Are you happy now?

 

Daisy, you sound like you are in such a lot of pain and I am so sorry for you. It's easy enough for people on these boards to say "you should leave your husband whether or not your AP leaves" but I can only imagine it's so much easier said than done. Worst case scenario is that you leave, your AP never leaves, you are alone and regretting the decision to leave your marriage. I'm not saying this is what would happen but the fear of it happening is very powerful. Of course it seems selfish to others and it IS selfish but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

 

Best of luck to you, sending you hugs and warm wishes.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know. He does this to me and always comes back saying he didn't mean it. Or says "I didn't say that, you are imagining it." I think I was so empty when he came along, I am stuck. He gave me love and I was able to give love, and that's all I've ever wanted, is to give to someone. My H and I don't have that, he's never really cared what I did.

 

I think though that I am wearing out, and becoming empty again (I know that feeling well.) It is upsetting me after feeling "fullness" for the first time, and I am afraid to let go. Scared, actually. But there is nothing to hold onto. It's time. Thank you for your rapport with me.

 

Then make 2016 worthwhile and put yourself first. Get into counseling and work on you, get strong and gain self love/self confidence so you can END your affair. You're wasting your life on a man who puts you second fiddle. Who isn't your husband, isn't your family. Who won't be there for your birthday or any holidays, or if you get sick he won't look after you, be by your side. You deserve better!! He can't give you a life, only stolen moments from his family on HIS terms and time frame.

 

I wish you'd find it in you to realize that just because you 'love' him doesn't mean you have to have him. He's not worth it.

[Daisy2013]

Daisy, you sound like you are in such a lot of pain and I am so sorry for you. It's easy enough for people on these boards to say "you should leave your husband whether or not your AP leaves" but I can only imagine it's so much easier said than done. Worst case scenario is that you leave, your AP never leaves, you are alone and regretting the decision to leave your marriage. I'm not saying this is what would happen but the fear of it happening is very powerful. Of course it seems selfish to others and it IS selfish but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

 

Best of luck to you, sending you hugs and warm wishes.

 

Thank you. In the years we have been together, he has never once taken me anyplace special to spend time together. I have only been good enough for visits and time spent in his vehicle, for his fear of getting caught. Yet, I hang onto his words of adoration and hope. Yes, sad, but find strength in these replies. I will move on.

[CarrieT]

and time spent in his vehicle,

Are you having sex in his car? Or giving him sexual release in his vehicle?

[Marc878]

Do yourself a favor.

 

Write down the pro's and con's of what you're getting out of this.

 

What does he do for you compared to your husband?

 

Does the husband work, pay the bills?

 

Perhaps you should put the time you're wasting on this hypocrite into your marriage?

 

If there is no future there maybe divorce and find someone you can have a true life with.

 

No ones gonna do it for you. No change means you just get more of the same.

 

You are the real problem here. MM is just taking what you're giving him.

[Daisy2013]

Are you having sex in his car? Or giving him sexual release in his vehicle?

 

We have only had sex a few times as he says he wants it to be special when we can get together and doesn't want it to happen in a vehicle. It is also his line in the sand. Otherwise, we are very sexual in other ways. He likes to bring me pleasure and hold me. When he isn't on one of his guilt trips, he will allow me to ... well, you know. But if he is having his guilty moments, only he is allowed to touch me and he tells me to just enjoy it and that he loves me.

 

He continues to claim he has no sex life at home. Zero romance. I tend to believe him by his actions when he is with me and when he allows me to please him. He loves tender moments with no sexual activity, just holding each other and tender kisses. He calls those "tender moments with my friend." Yet, he stays. I don't get it....

[CarrieT]

He continues to claim he has no sex life at home. Zero romance.

Read through the Infidelity forum.

 

This is such a classic lie...

 

I tend to believe him by his actions when he is with me and when he allows me to please him. He loves tender moments with no sexual activity, just holding each other and tender kisses. He calls those "tender moments with my friend." Yet, he stays. I don't get it....

You don't get it because you are believing a lie. He is a cake-eater and you just feed him over-and-over....

[Daisy2013]

See responses in bold.

 

Do yourself a favor.

 

Write down the pro's and con's of what you're getting out of this.

 

What does he do for you compared to your husband?

Paid attention to me. My husbad does what he wants, and never was interested in "couple things" or us. He drinks alot and our earlier years were spent with him drunk. It is on here somewhere.

 

Does the husband work, pay the bills?

 

He works but I am the main wage earner. He never has money and I pretty much pay for everything. Mortgage, school tuition, now college expenses, most everthing.

 

Perhaps you should put the time you're wasting on this hypocrite into your marriage?

 

Maybe. But I gave up right before ths started. I just quit caribg.

 

If there is no future there maybe divorce and find someone you can have a true life with.

 

No ones gonna do it for you. No change means you just get more of the same.

 

You are the real problem here. MM is just taking what you're giving him.

 

I know. It is my fault. I'm trying to let ho.

 

[Daisy2013]

Read through the Infidelity forum.

 

This is such a classic lie...

 

 

You don't get it because you are believing a lie. He is a cake-eater and you just feed him over-and-over....

 

Then why? Why would a person do that to someone? If he is happy at home, why come afer me? I may have been "dead inside," but was getting along just fine. Why tell me he has feelings for me and start this ? Yes, I know I am at fault, but I never confrssed my feelings, he did. If he is good, why do this? He knows I love him. If I found out he were having sex at home, I might lose my mind long enough to blow up his world. Ugh.