He can't look in the mirror because of me

[S2B]

This is long, I'm so sorry. Just having to write as it is therapeutic and I'm "lost."

 

He tells me he feels overwhelmingly convicted and at times cannot look at himself in the mirror because of us. He is a Christian and holds several teaching positions in our church, and wants to be a good influence on his grown children and show them what commitment in marriage is. He is miserable in his M and married for the wrong reasons (per him), but because this is his 3rd M, it is in cement and he won't D. They have no kids together, each have their own for previous M. He said he made a vow before God when he got M and that is why he won't leave. He was a baby Christian back then (15 years ago) and really wants to honor God. He said he was warned by his wife's ex-husband and brothers about how she was, but I think he was caught up in a "good woman" who didn't show her true self till she snagged him (his words). But, I digress...

 

He says we do not know what the future holds and always says if I can handle hanging on when he goes through these times, it it up to me. That we will see where it goes. That he doesn't want to give me up and that he loves me dearly and wants to spend his life with me. He says he will hold on to his dream of a future with me. I don't see how because of the "cement" he spoke of. He will not do a thing to make us real, yet says to "hold on." I don't get this.

 

I love this man. He came after me and when he kissed me the first time, I felt like I was at "home" and that this is what it should be. His name was running through my head as he was kissing me and I couldn't believe it. We had been friends for 10 years, working together at church. I never told him I had feelings for him because we were married. Then he kissed me and it took off.

 

He says I am his first. The first time he's had a woman just love him for him. He is almost 61, 11 years older than me. He says it gives him great joy being with me and bringing me pleasure.

 

I love him. I ask him how we reconcile us with his guilt and he replies "I don't know. We are friends first and we will work this out." I don't comprehend how.

 

I love him. The thought of him not being able to look in the mirror because of me is killing me. When he stands before God he says he wants to be told "Well done my good and faithful servant." I am messing that up.

 

Because I love him, I have to walk away. I want him to honor God because that is where his heart is. He usually takes his ring off when he's with me, but the last few times he left it on. I can't help but wonder if he left it on trying to remind himself of his commitment, but failed, once he put his arms around me.

 

How do I walk away, yet stay his friend? We try to behave. We always go back to each other. If I shut him out, he will be fine. He worries really only about his comfort and will move on along. Our entire R is based on him and his convenience. When I tell him that, he says it's not true, that he puts himself at risk every time he sees me and makes time for me. (She calls him if he is 10 minutes late getting home.). I will be left with a hole in my heart, and empty. Four years worth of a hole. But I care about him too much to be the cause of his self-loathing.

 

I have to say goodbye. Have to walk away. Part of me feels like I've been taken for a ride. The other part knows it's my fault, as well. It's all up to me. If I hang on, one day he will despise me.

 

What a complete douchebag!

 

HE is responsible for his own actions.

 

Stop allowing him to blame you.

[bathtub-row]

I know his type. Probably the first one in church to jump up and say "Praise God"!

 

All show and no dough.

 

Or, as we say in Texas, "All hat and no cattle."

[Marc878]

See responses in bold.

 

Move on from both.

 

If you don't your life will be as it is.

 

There are better out there and you will have the freedom to find someone.

 

Your life is going to be what you make it.

[CarrieT]

Then why? Why would a person do that to someone?

Because he can and it feeds his narcissistic ego.

 

If he is happy at home, why come afer me?

Many people (not just men!) who are happy at home, still crave that desire and excitement about the chase and attention from others. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

Why tell me he has feelings for me and start this ?

To reel you in - and keep you.

 

Yes, I know I am at fault, but I never confrssed my feelings, he did.

Of course he did. That was the easiest to keep you. You never had to confess feelings for this to propel forward.

 

If I found out he were having sex at home, I might lose my mind long enough to blow up his world. Ugh.

Perhaps you should. It might be the best and easiest way for you to end this thing.

 

Doesn't his wife deserve to know the type of man she is married to? Doesn't your church deserve to know that he is not the god-fearing man he is presenting?

[sandylee1]

Then why? Why would a person do that to someone? If he is happy at home, why come afer me? I may have been "dead inside," but was getting along just fine. Why tell me he has feelings for me and start this ? Yes, I know I am at fault, but I never confrssed my feelings, he did. If he is good, why do this? He knows I love him. If I found out he were having sex at home, I might lose my mind long enough to blow up his world. Ugh.

 

Many a man (and woman) have claimed post dday that they had a good marriage and were happy...yet still they have affairs. It's down to selfishness and lack of moral standards at that time... not saying people can't change.... but many people will do stuff if they can get away with it.

 

The amount of men who say they don't sleep with their wives...then she miraculously gets pregnant......like the Virgin Mary... yeah right.

 

What you need to think is .... if this affair blows up ...will the consequences be worth it?

Will you be shunned by those you know? Will it bother you?

If you have kids how will they feel?

What will your family and inlaws think of you?

 

The number of people who absolutely regret affairs is staggering. If your marriage is dead and you are the breadwinner ..... get out of it. Stop wasting time with your H... who you don't love.

 

It doesn't sound like your husband does anything for you at all.

 

Seek counselling for the way to get out of misery and start living an authentic life.

[S2B]

Then why? Why would a person do that to someone? If he is happy at home, why come afer me? I may have been "dead inside," but was getting along just fine. Why tell me he has feelings for me and start this ? Yes, I know I am at fault, but I never confrssed my feelings, he did. If he is good, why do this? He knows I love him. If I found out he were having sex at home, I might lose my mind long enough to blow up his world. Ugh.

 

Why? Because you allow it!

 

Why should have faithful when he can have a willing person to cheat with and no consequences?

 

I'd bet money if you started making demands on him and his time he would go silent on you.

 

He stays because you expect very little from him.

[S2B]

He's having sex at home.

 

 

Married men who cheat lie and lie...it gets them what they want. Sex at home and sex outside the home.

 

He looks in the mirror - he's knows he's a jerk - yet he just keeps on being that jerk.

[Daisy2013]

Many a man (and woman) have claimed post dday that they had a good marriage and were happy...yet still they have affairs. It's down to selfishness and lack of moral standards at that time... not saying people can't change.... but many people will do stuff if they can get away with it.

 

The amount of men who say they don't sleep with their wives...then she miraculously gets pregnant......like the Virgin Mary... yeah right.

 

What you need to think is .... if this affair blows up ...will the consequences be worth it?

Will you be shunned by those you know? Will it bother you? I have lost my 2 best friends already because of this.

 

If you have kids how will they feel? They would despise me. My oldest is in her 2nd year of college and has obviously dated. She hates cheaters. They love their dad, and rightly so, and in ways feel sorry for him. They know I am behind everything they have. But he is the "fun guy" who buys them alcohol (I do not) and just lives lightly (hard to explain).

 

What will your family and inlaws think of you? My family would be disappointed. His would hate me. They are tight and very interwoven.

 

The number of people who absolutely regret affairs is staggering. If your

Lmarriage is dead and you are the breadwinner ..... get out of it. Stop wasting time with your H... who you don't love.

 

It doesn't sound like your husband does anything for you at all. He doesn't. Too little too late he has tried a bit since he saw me pull away and not care anymore. But I can't feel anything now.

 

Seek counselling for the way to get out of misery and start living an authentic life. Ok..

 

I guess it is getting tiring reading this thread. I want to thank you all who have replied. I have written before. Each time, I think about things that are said to me. These responses have been helpful. I guess I was stuck because I thought we were different and special, and I cannot fathom how he would tell me he loved me and to hang on and not mean it. I truly thought we would be together one day, that a really wanted me. Thinking now, his actions are far different thank his words and we are nobody special. I will be successful this time moving on. Thank you again so very much.

[S2B]

He's not special Daisy. He's a selfish and self centered liar.

[Daisy2013]

Last post. The thought of him having sex at home kills me. I haven't in ages. I cannot love two men. I cannot be sexual with two men. It breaks my heart to see some tell me he indeed is. Then to tell me he isn't and that I am the woman he loves. Ugh. This will help me move on.

[whichwayisup]

Last post. The thought of him having sex at home kills me. I haven't in ages. I cannot love two men. I cannot be sexual with two men. It breaks my heart to see some tell me he indeed is. Then to tell me he isn't and that I am the woman he loves. Ugh. This will help me move on.

 

If he is having sex with his wife, he's not going to tell you.

 

Many men can sleep with more than one woman at a time and can separate love and sex.

[burnt]

We have only had sex a few times as he says he wants it to be special when we can get together and doesn't want it to happen in a vehicle.

 

It is also his line in the sand.

 

When he isn't on one of his guilt trips, he will allow me to ... well, you know.

 

But if he is having his guilty moments, only he is allowed to touch me and he tells me to just enjoy it and that he loves me.

 

I tend to believe him by his actions when he is with me and when he allows me to please him.

 

He loves tender moments with no sexual activity, just holding each other and tender kisses. He calls those "tender moments with my friend." Yet, he stays. I don't get it....

 

Please reread the bold texts you wrote.

 

Please reread the way you are reiterating how and what HE is ALLOWING you to do.

 

How do YOU feel when he sets the line on the sand and sets the rules for what he accepts and what he permits you to do and what he forbids you to do?

 

How do YOU feel when he tells you that you are not permitted to touch him but he will touch you whenever he wants to?

 

How do YOU feel at those exact moments when he is touching you just the way he wants, and you are dying inside forced to restrain yourself and you are obeying his orders?

 

Can you please describe what emotional torment you feel at those moments when you are told to just enjoy but you are not allowed to define or do what you actually would enjoy?

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong when I say:

deep down inside as a WOMAN you feel degraded, humiliated, hurt, undignified and cheap when repeated he tells you what you are and are not permitted to do.

 

And the operative word here is

 

CONTROL.

[Daisy2013]

Ok, I have to reply to this.

 

Please reread the bold texts you wrote.

 

Please reread the way you are reiterating how and what HE is ALLOWING you to do.

 

How do YOU feel when he sets the line on the sand and sets the rules for what he accepts and what he permits you to do and what he forbids you to do? Hurt

 

How do YOU feel when he tells you that you are not permitted to touch him but he will touch you whenever he wants to? Confused

 

How do YOU feel at those exact moments when he is touching you just the way he wants, and you are dying inside forced to restrain yourself and you are obeying his orders? Like I want to die. Imagine being so filled with desire and "hunger" that you are going to explode. You desperately want to make love to that person to express yourself, yet he holds it back. He knows what I desire more than anything, yet denies me. And all I want is to please him. I have driven away throbbing and crying on more than one occasion.

 

Can you please describe what emotional torment you feel at those moments when you are told to just enjoy but you are not allowed to define or do what you actually would enjoy? See above. When I try to explain it to him, he always replies "You know how I am and you know me, don't you?" He gets snippy if I go against what he says.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong when I say:

deep down inside as a WOMAN you feel degraded, humiliated, hurt, undignified and cheap when repeated he tells you what you are and are not permitted to do.

 

You have said how I am feeling exactly. I haven't been able to express it. One time, recently, he stopped me in the middle of what he was allowing me to do and said he had to go. That his time was up as he is on a tight schedule. He's scared of getting caught. Your description fits me to a t how I was feeling that night as I drove away.

 

And the operative word here is

 

CONTROL.

 

OMG, you have nailed it. How do you know how I am thinking in those moments? My friend that I lost, she gave up on me. She is a licensed marriage counselor who was talking with me and in the end, when I didn't break loose, felt she was enabling me to continue the A. He and I had been friends for 10 years prior to out A, and she and I even longer. She said he is a controller and tells his W what to do and that I would be miserable inside of 2 years with him.

[georgia girl]

Daisy,

 

I hate to make you feel worse but I think you are ready to see reality. He says he doesn't sleep with his relatively new wife. Think about that. If your husband wasn't sleeping with you and you weren't otherwise distracted, what would you be thinking? You would be questioning him if there was someone else. According to him, his wife doesn't know and he is desperate to keep it that way. It makes sense then that they are having sex. Otherwise, it would throw up a huge red flag to her.

 

I am so sorry.

This guy is not worth lost friends nor the love and bond you have with your children. Run as fast as you can away from him. He is destroying g your world for his needs. Please see how bad this is for you.

[Daisy2013]

Daisy,

 

I hate to make you feel worse but I think you are ready to see reality. He says he doesn't sleep with his relatively new wife. Think about that. If your husband wasn't sleeping with you and you weren't otherwise distracted, what would you be thinking? You would be questioning him if there was someone else. According to him, his wife doesn't know and he is desperate to keep it that way. It makes sense then that they are having sex. Otherwise, it would throw up a huge red flag to her.

 

I am so sorry.

This guy is not worth lost friends nor the love and bond you have with your children. Run as fast as you can away from him. He is destroying g your world for his needs. Please see how bad this is for you.

 

I said I would quit writing, these replies are cause for response. He claims she says no (they've been married about 16 years), that she says sex is painful and offers him no intimacy, physical or emotional. He said even on vacation she wouldn't give him any. He says she has no interest. I believed him because if he was getting it, why look to me. He made a joke about pennies in a jar and sex once you get married, but I can't recall what it was.

 

I believed him because the few times we did have sex, he was finished in under a minute tops. Maybe 30 seconds. It takes longer other ways, but not much longer. So, I thought he was telling the truth. I'm stupid.

 

My H is questioning why I can't. It is far and few between and I cry after. This year, I can't remember when. It has been long before the summer. I can't be physical with two men.

[OpenBook]

Can you please describe what emotional torment you feel at those moments when you are told to just enjoy but you are not allowed to define or do what you actually would enjoy? See above. When I try to explain it to him, he always replies "You know how I am and you know me, don't you?" He gets snippy if I go against what he says.

 

Whoa. Reading that just sent chills up and down my spine (in a nauseous horror way). That is downright CREEPY. Please get away from this creepoid at once. You can deal with the aftermath later. Just get away!!!!

[anika99]

Daisy I had a look at your prior threads and I notice they are always full of lots of self-loathing and self-flagellation. What do you get out of wearing a hairshirt and wallowing in your mess for years? It's good that you recogonize that what you are doing is wrong and self-destructive but then at some point you have to do something to fix it. Bathing yourself in selfloathing for years on end while not doing a single thing to change just becomes a big ole pity party that you are throwing yourself.

 

It's time to stop playing naïve and pretending not to know that he has been lying to you and using you for years. Sure in the beginning he probably had you fooled, but after a couple of years you knew he was full of it. You have been on Loveshack for a couple of years too. You have read the stories and been given all of the same advice and opinions that you have received on this thread. So don't you think it's time to give up this pretense that you don't know that he's never going to leave and that he's just using you to make himself feel good.

 

I'm sorry, I tend to sound harsher than I mean to, but the only way anything is ever going to change is if you change it. You are choosing this and you have been choosing it for years. Continuing to beat yourself up and blame everything on being deceived by the MM is not going to fix anything for you. I hope this time you really mean it when you say you are going to end it. I notice that you say that in most of your threads. Hopefully this time it sticks.

[bathtub-row]

My sister refers to my pompous, self-righteous ex-husband as "the benevolent manipulator". I think the same could be said for this guy. He is stealing your life away and using a facade of being humble and God-fearing and all that other rot. He's basically just a really good actor.

[S2B]

I said I would quit writing, these replies are cause for response. He claims she says no (they've been married about 16 years), that she says sex is painful and offers him no intimacy, physical or emotional. He said even on vacation she wouldn't give him any. He says she has no interest. I believed him because if he was getting it, why look to me. He made a joke about pennies in a jar and sex once you get married, but I can't recall what it was.

 

I believed him because the few times we did have sex, he was finished in under a minute tops. Maybe 30 seconds. It takes longer other ways, but not much longer. So, I thought he was telling the truth. I'm stupid.

 

My H is questioning why I can't. It is far and few between and I cry after. This year, I can't remember when. It has been long before the summer. I can't be physical with two men.

 

When I move to asking "why" - my counselor encouraged me to then ONLY ask MYSELF "HOW" I planned to change it!

 

On the other note (of what you mentioned)...how are you also planning to change your marriage when you aren't actually participating as a loving wife?

 

 

You believe this MM... That's the problem in a nutshell. He's in it for what he can get.

Edited December 27, 2015 by S2B

[Daisy2013]

Daisy I had a look at your prior threads and I notice they are always full of lots of self-loathing and self-flagellation. What do you get out of wearing a hairshirt and wallowing in your mess for years? It's good that you recogonize that what you are doing is wrong and self-destructive but then at some point you have to do something to fix it. Bathing yourself in selfloathing for years on end while not doing a single thing to change just becomes a big ole pity party that you are throwing yourself.

 

It's time to stop playing naïve and pretending not to know that he has been lying to you and using you for years. Sure in the beginning he probably had you fooled, but after a couple of years you knew he was full of it. You have been on Loveshack for a couple of years too. You have read the stories and been given all of the same advice and opinions that you have received on this thread. So don't you think it's time to give up this pretense that you don't know that he's never going to leave and that he's just using you to make himself feel good.

 

I'm sorry, I tend to sound harsher than I mean to, but the only way anything is ever going to change is if you change it. You are choosing this and you have been choosing it for years. Continuing to beat yourself up and blame everything on being deceived by the MM is not going to fix anything for you. I hope this time you really mean it when you say you are going to end it. I notice that you say that in most of your threads. Hopefully this time it sticks.

 

Thank you. You don't sound harah. You have good points. It is time to end. But I will say I am not pretending and playing naive, I have been holding on waiting because he asks me to...even though there is that cement. I honestly in my heart believed we would be together because I wanted to trust and believe him. Now it is time. Something is opening my eyes this time. Maybe there has just been enough and am at wit's end. I don't blame him here. I am at fault for my actions and will be going into therapy to find out why I am so clingy to this. It was difficult for my therapist friend to try to help because of ethics etc., but I will look for one. It is me who has the problem. In that way you are coreect. Despite all of his love talk, he never omce strayed from his "I can't leave." I just kept hoping. I have to be done. Thank you.

[burnt]

OMG, you have nailed it. How do you know how I am thinking in those moments?

 

Perhaps… because I actually know what it feels like to be in your shoes…

Perhaps, I experienced those very things you are describing.

 

And that's why I'm responding--to say to you that I'm sorry for what you are going through and I'm hoping you find a way to heal soon.

 

Love is a two-way experience--an equal part give and receive. When one party withholds it or manipulates the other to withhold it, the most beautiful free expression turns into the most ugly, cruel and painful trauma.

 

It's an awful thing when you are completely filled with love and all you want to do is express it with all your heart, but feel restrained by the very object of your affection, it does a lot of emotional damage to you. And that's what you're feeling.

 

There's a beautiful quote by Chinmoy:

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, there will be world peace.

 

What you have here is this unbalanced unequal relationship, where you are choking yourself with the power of love and he is soaking himself with the love of power.

 

I know you love him; I know how deeply and intensely you feel. But it's hurting you and it's causing you pain because your love is going to waste.

 

The love you feel inside defines you, but it won't change who he is.

 

You don't really have any option but to walk away; but you already know that. It's just a question of figuring out how to let go--that's the hardest part.

 

I said I would quit writing, these replies are cause for response.

Don't quite writing, unless you want to.

 

Like many others here, I write because I'm hurting too, because it helps me and because I can relate to others who are hurting.

[Daisy2013]

Burnt, thank you for what you have shared with me. I don't have the words to express my gratitude of your care and understanding. I can see and understand. You write descriptively.

 

SB2, I do not know as I have closed down and there is so much here. I can stay shut down and go on and live and keep my family together like I'm supposed to. I've asked several times for coupes counseling so that we can learn to communicate, and he replies "F no, I'm not going to counseling."

 

Or I can take the steps to divorce. Time will tell. But the A will be over.

 

Tonight I have blocked my phone. Last time I did that, and the only time I did that was because I couldn't handle it anymore, and MM showed up at my house 3 days later worried about me. This time, he won't because it hurt him that I did that and if I do it again, he will think I am blocking him knowing it will hurt him. And if he calls and I don't answer by the 3rd call, he has said he will consider it as a sign I no longer want him and will quit calling. He won't email because he refuses to have anything in writing. The only text I ever got from him relationship-wise was Happy Birthday because he said he was tied up in a meeting.

 

I'm not unblocking my phone.

[Horton]

He tells me he feels overwhelmingly convicted and at times cannot look at himself in the mirror because of us. He is a Christian and holds several teaching positions in our church, and wants to be a good influence on his grown children and show them what commitment in marriage is.

 

Let me stop you there. You're both professing Christians and married to other people, you both have children although his are with somebody other than his current wife. He is in a leadership position in the church and you are involved with the church in some capacity beyond just showing up and nodding your head. So knowing all of this to be true, how can you justify to yourself continuing to live these two contradictory lives? Do you not see how this tarnishes your witness for Christ? Do you not care? I'm baffled by your apparent disregard for the one thing that really ought to be paramount to somebody who calls themself a believer in Jesus Christ.

 

He says we do not know what the future holds and always says if I can handle hanging on when he goes through these times, it it up to me. That we will see where it goes. That he doesn't want to give me up and that he loves me dearly and wants to spend his life with me. He says he will hold on to his dream of a future with me. I don't see how because of the "cement" he spoke of. He will not do a thing to make us real, yet says to "hold on." I don't get this.

Irrelevant, this relationship is steeped in a foundation of sin and deception, you already know(or should know) that God will never honor this relationship even if he is one of few MM to abandon his wife for the OW.

 

I love him. I ask him how we reconcile us with his guilt and he replies "I don't know. We are friends first and we will work this out." I don't comprehend how.

How do you not have any guilt is the question, you're so concerned with his apparent guilt complex, but what about your own?

 

Because I love him, I have to walk away. I want him to honor God because that is where his heart is. He usually takes his ring off when he's with me, but the last few times he left it on. I can't help but wonder if he left it on trying to remind himself of his commitment, but failed, once he put his arms around me.

Again you want HIM to honor God and his commitment, yet nothing about your own Christian duty to do so yourself.

How do I walk away, yet stay his friend? We try to behave. We always go back to each other.

 

You can't, he's never gonna be your friend. He can be your AP or your past mistake, but never your chum.

I have to say goodbye. Have to walk away. Part of me feels like I've been taken for a ride. The other part knows it's my fault, as well. It's all up to me. If I hang on, one day he will despise me.

 

Well at least you're not completely blaming him for your "fall from grace" I guess that separates you from many other WW's.

 

I accept blame and it is 100% my fault. You want to know how I feel? Like a fraud when I'm with my family, I don't belong.

Respectfully, ma'am you are a fraud with your family. How could you not be? You're living two separate lives that completely contradict each other. One as a sweet little church woman and another as a brazen and unrepentant adulteress.

My H is a stranger to me because I gave up waiting for him to pay attention to us and turned to another man when I was ripe for the picking. I'm told I was groomed to be this man's OW long before it happened and I didn't see it coming. It is painful at home. Many times I think I should just go away and leave them be as I have betrayed them.

Why leave them? Why not get out of the affair and confess your sins as God commands us to do so in his word and start living an authentic life again? BTW that's the only way out of this mess, as much as you may not wanna hear it and as much as many on here will tell you to either continue the affair or jump ship and take it to the grave, as a professing Christian you already know that those are not options that God has given you. Anything else is just continuing to live in sin, grieving the holy spirit and robbing yourself of the joy of your salvation. Why continue like this?

 

I can barely go to church and only go because I help behind the scenes and am counted on. I attend zero extra functions because he will be there playing "good husband, teacher, deacon," whatever. However, he will make his way over to me to bump himself into me several times when I am there, which is his public hug. But, he leaves with her.

 

This is so pitiful, acting out this shameful charade right there in a house of worship, where people come to grow spiritually and have fellowship with other believers.

I can't read scripture anymore because I know what i am doing is wrong and am pushing it down. But it is going to end.

 

That's precisely why you should be reading scripture nonstop at this point. If God's spirit dwells within you then you will feel convicted of your sins. That's one of the main reasons he gave you his spirit so you would allow him to guide your thoughts, your words and your actions. Don't flee from God like Jonah when you should be fleeing from sin.

 

I see trash is the mirror, someone who seems strong to everyone, but who knows she is weak and worthless. Are you happy now?

 

Not at all, I'd like you to do a 180, not the kind that people talk about on here but a 180 in the sense of turning around and moving in the opposite direction of the way you've been living for so long. That's what repentance is and it would appear that this is what your heavenly father is calling you to do.

 

I said I would quit writing, these replies are cause for response. He claims she says no (they've been married about 16 years), that she says sex is painful and offers him no intimacy, physical or emotional. He said even on vacation she wouldn't give him any. He says she has no interest. I believed him because if he was getting it, why look to me. He made a joke about pennies in a jar and sex once you get married, but I can't recall what it was.

Even if he were one of the few MM to tell the truth about his sex life(or lack thereof) what difference would it make in your role in all of this. You're not his wife, she is. You're playing substitute sexually for another woman in the bedroom, this is not moral/normal/rational behavior.

 

I believed him because the few times we did have sex, he was finished in under a minute tops. Maybe 30 seconds. It takes longer other ways, but not much longer. So, I thought he was telling the truth. I'm stupid.

I don't believe that you're stupid(and that's not me complimenting you btw) I believe that it's much worse than merely being stupid. You know better, you're just willfully blind, as evidenced by your refusal to study God's word. You're scurrying away from the light of truth and living in darkness cause you don't want anything or anyone to jeopardize you getting your "fix" from the affair. The word is a mirror that shows us our true self and you're hiding from it, cause you don't desire to be corrected by it, but that's the purpose of it convicting you, to correct you. Ignoring it is like making a wrong turn and continuing to go in the wrong direction hoping it will somehow work itself out eventually. That's never gonna happen though, you have to do a U-turn. You have to repent and turn back to God.

 

My H is questioning why I can't. It is far and few between and I cry after. This year, I can't remember when. It has been long before the summer. I can't be physical with two men.

 

And you've made the choice to be faithful to the affair partner over your own husband, IMO you should say that out loud to yourself and realize how that actually sounds coming out of your own mouth. It's not good.

 

I don't blame him here. I am at fault for my actions and will be going into therapy to find out why I am so clingy to this. It was difficult for my therapist friend to try to help because of ethics etc., but I will look for one. It is me who has the problem. In that way you are coreect. Despite all of his love talk, he never omce strayed from his "I can't leave." I just kept hoping. I have to be done. Thank you.

 

As much as can be said critical of your actions, I guess at least you're taking responsibility for your part in this. Now in regards to how you see your husband's role in it, that is another story. I don't know the details of your married life, maybe your husband has cheated himself or physically abused you, I don't know, but what I do know is that he's no more responsible for your decision to interject yourself in another woman's marriage anymore than the man in the moon is. So that's another thing you may wanna work on. If therapy just turns into a "How my husband is to blame for all of this." routing then you'll know that it's not gonna fix whatever's broken inside of you. There's also(once again) the matter of confession.

[Popsicle]

Your H sounds like a dickhead and unfortunately your MM is one too.

 

You've gotta fix your picker, girl!

 

I say leave them both and get yourself together on your own, without azzholes in your life.

[StBreton]

This is long, I'm so sorry. Just having to write as it is therapeutic and I'm "lost."

 

He tells me he feels overwhelmingly convicted and at times cannot look at himself in the mirror because of us. He is a Christian and holds several teaching positions in our church, and wants to be a good influence on his grown children and show them what commitment in marriage is. He is miserable in his M and married for the wrong reasons (per him), but because this is his 3rd M, it is in cement and he won't D. They have no kids together, each have their own for previous M. He said he made a vow before God when he got M and that is why he won't leave. He was a baby Christian back then (15 years ago) and really wants to honor God. He said he was warned by his wife's ex-husband and brothers about how she was, but I think he was caught up in a "good woman" who didn't show her true self till she snagged him (his words). But, I digress...

 

He says we do not know what the future holds and always says if I can handle hanging on when he goes through these times, it it up to me. That we will see where it goes. That he doesn't want to give me up and that he loves me dearly and wants to spend his life with me. He says he will hold on to his dream of a future with me. I don't see how because of the "cement" he spoke of. He will not do a thing to make us real, yet says to "hold on." I don't get this.

 

I love this man. He came after me and when he kissed me the first time, I felt like I was at "home" and that this is what it should be. His name was running through my head as he was kissing me and I couldn't believe it. We had been friends for 10 years, working together at church. I never told him I had feelings for him because we were married. Then he kissed me and it took off.

 

He says I am his first. The first time he's had a woman just love him for him. He is almost 61, 11 years older than me. He says it gives him great joy being with me and bringing me pleasure.

 

I love him. I ask him how we reconcile us with his guilt and he replies "I don't know. We are friends first and we will work this out." I don't comprehend how.

 

I love him. The thought of him not being able to look in the mirror because of me is killing me. When he stands before God he says he wants to be told "Well done my good and faithful servant." I am messing that up.

 

Because I love him, I have to walk away. I want him to honor God because that is where his heart is. He usually takes his ring off when he's with me, but the last few times he left it on. I can't help but wonder if he left it on trying to remind himself of his commitment, but failed, once he put his arms around me.

 

How do I walk away, yet stay his friend? We try to behave. We always go back to each other. If I shut him out, he will be fine. He worries really only about his comfort and will move on along. Our entire R is based on him and his convenience. When I tell him that, he says it's not true, that he puts himself at risk every time he sees me and makes time for me. (She calls him if he is 10 minutes late getting home.). I will be left with a hole in my heart, and empty. Four years worth of a hole. But I care about him too much to be the cause of his self-loathing.

 

I have to say goodbye. Have to walk away. Part of me feels like I've been taken for a ride. The other part knows it's my fault, as well. It's all up to me. If I hang on, one day he will despise me.

 

Wait ...you go to church and you don't know what to do to handle this situation??! How about starting by reading your bible. You are a Christian by name only. You have no clue what it means to be a Christian if you aren't even able to follow the 10 commandments. Wow

 

Oh btw ...I think you meant conflicted not convicted? This guy is also only a Christian by name. Hopefully he doesn't hold any positions in the church I attend. Wow. What is it he "teaches"? How to commit adultery and not get caught ...Or ...How to commit adultery and justify it.

Edited December 27, 2015 by StBreton