czen Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Ever since high school, I have felt like I barely made any new real friends. I have always liked my alone-time, so it does not bother me tremendously. With all my new 'friends', I feel like they gain more from the friendship than I do. I am the one they come to if they have personal issues. I am the funny and the nice one. It may sound harsh, but I noticed I mostly use them as external validation 'devices', so I can feel important, nice and funny. There is no real enjoyment for me that is purely coming from them. They just all seem so boring and uninteresting. I sometimes have more of a connection with girls. But that often turns into a romantic interest. So no friendship is there either. Anyone ever had this issue, and tips on how to overcome it? Am I just not a guy who will have many real friendships? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 The main thing that makes people like you and become more than just acquaintances is if you ARE interested in them and their lives. They know you're not really interested and are just taking you for what you're worth, which is an occasional laugh. Not the stuff friendships are usually made of. Try to find someone you find interesting. If that's hard for you, you may be a little narcissistic or something that is not real conducive to social stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Heracles Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 It's easier said than done but: Start finding out who you are and be true to yourself no matter the cost. Keep an open mind, accept people as they are. Don't try to change them. If you are not compatible, go on with your life. Don't force things. People will be drawn to you in ways you can't even explain. Until now, it works for me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author czen Posted December 25, 2015 Author Share Posted December 25, 2015 The main thing that makes people like you and become more than just acquaintances is if you ARE interested in them and their lives. They know you're not really interested and are just taking you for what you're worth, which is an occasional laugh. Not the stuff friendships are usually made of. Try to find someone you find interesting. If that's hard for you, you may be a little narcissistic or something that is not real conducive to social stuff. I sometimes get "Czen, you're the nicest guy I know" since I seem/am genuinely interested in them. I think it's an effect of my hero/savior syndrome, where I feel responsible for them. So when they seem down, I make sure to be there for them and help them out, no matter what. In return, I know they will be there for me too (not that it matters, since I rarely ask people for help). But even these 'friendships' feel very one-sided for me. I am there for them, and that's it. They like me as a person, I like having been able to help someone out Maybe it is that I'm somewhat narcissistic, and that it is just genuinely hard for me to find people I am interested in. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 I can relate because I'm not interested in most people I meet at all, but I do at least know what type of person or interests I am interested in, and I am very interested in that and tend to be kind of tunnel-vision about it and exclude others. I do have narcissistic traits, but the one I don't have and hopefully you don't either that makes the difference between being tolerable and being intolerable is extreme narcissists are often very low on empathy for others. I am not low on empathy other than I simply don't have interest for a lot of mainstream people. Doesn't mean I wouldn't help one, though. The way I am, sometimes in order for me to empathize and get into someone's situation and be sympathetic, I have to find something in my own life and filter it through that in order to relate. So before I figured that out, I can come off as very me, me, me because they may say "I had this happen to me," and my natural response is "Oh, I had this similar thing," which seems like changing the subject back to me. But I've tried to work on that and validate before I turn the tables on them. In the end, though, I am very empathetic as long as someone is not just making bad choices all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Heracles Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 I sometimes get "Czen, you're the nicest guy I know" since I seem/am genuinely interested in them. I think it's an effect of my hero/savior syndrome, where I feel responsible for them. So when they seem down, I make sure to be there for them and help them out, no matter what. In return, I know they will be there for me too (not that it matters, since I rarely ask people for help). But even these 'friendships' feel very one-sided for me. The behavior that you are describing her is unnatural for a friendship. You are behaving like a parent. As a result, your children friends don't reciprocate because they don't feel like they need to. You are the one making it one-sided. "you're the nicest guy I know" might seem like a compliment but I can assure you that it isn't. Especially, coming from women. Anyways, this is my last post on your thread. Adios. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seneya Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 Ever since high school, I have felt like I barely made any new real friends. I have always liked my alone-time, so it does not bother me tremendously. With all my new 'friends', I feel like they gain more from the friendship than I do. I am the one they come to if they have personal issues. I am the funny and the nice one. It may sound harsh, but I noticed I mostly use them as external validation 'devices', so I can feel important, nice and funny. There is no real enjoyment for me that is purely coming from them. They just all seem so boring and uninteresting. I sometimes have more of a connection with girls. But that often turns into a romantic interest. So no friendship is there either. Anyone ever had this issue, and tips on how to overcome it? Am I just not a guy who will have many real friendships? Hey I am in similar situation as you. I have no real friends at all. Can we be friends? I'm sure we can talk a lot 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AspenBaldwin Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 Hey I am in similar situation as you. I have no real friends at all. Can we be friends? I'm sure we can talk a lot We should have a Love Shack meeting. ☆♡☆♡☆♡ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seneya Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 We should have a Love Shack meeting. ☆♡☆♡☆♡ Sure. I would love to Link to post Share on other sites
bilski04 Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 omg i'd join. you described me to a "T" Link to post Share on other sites
Author czen Posted December 28, 2015 Author Share Posted December 28, 2015 Haha, well I am glad I am not the only one at least! Time to set up a annual meeting! Would be pretty ironic if we all ended up being uninterested in each other as well. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 You don't feel a connection because you choose to keep your acquaintances at arm's length. I would argue that helping them and your self-described hero/savior complex are two ways in which you ensure the emotional distance remains, at least on your side. Are you afraid to be vulnerable? Start asking your acquaintances to help you, even with small things. At first, it may feel very uncomfortable for you to be the receiver of help rather than the benevolent (read: superior in your mind) helper. That's a step you'll have to take if you truly want close relationships with reciprocation. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunberry Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 I'm with Heracles. You may need to find solace with yourself and who you are as a person. Link to post Share on other sites
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