Best Advice for a Newlywed

[LeeLoo]

I've got quite the compilation going on here, and I'd like the input from you all as well. Here's the question, and it would apply to those married and non-married alike.

 

In the first year of marriage. What two things will make my life easier as a newlywed?

[Treasa]

Lots of alcohol and separate vacations? Seriously, I don't know. A lot of patience and a good sense of humor.

[Debster]

1) Agreed-upon boundaries with inlaws

 

2) Be a united front for your marriage

 

3) Communication

 

4) Sometimes going to bed mad is better than staying up all night mad at each other

 

5) Date night

 

6) Always remember to say please, thank you and recognize their contributions

[whichwayisup]

Never go to be angry with eachother. EVER. Been with my H for 11 1/2 years and I can honestly say only ONCE in the past 11 years have we gone to bed peeved at eachother.

 

Always say I love you daily. Be considerate, kind and NEVER cross the line during an arguement...meaning no swearing or name calling. If it gets to the boiling point - STOP and discuss another time or later on. (Oh yeah, nothing too heavy after 9pm!)

 

Have fun, laugh and be silly. Life is crap alot of the time so be a free happy spirit and laugh alot.

 

Compromise and really try to understand eachother.

 

Live life together, yet have a balance. Each of you should still be able to enjoy doing things on your own, whether it be girls night out or he putters in the basement...I love to spend time with my H but not all the time! Live together yet at times be allowed to BE alone and Do your own thing.

 

Some nights I watch TV upstairs as some shows he doesn't like to watch.

 

OH yeah, when picking out an Xmas Tree, if you don't have the same taste in trees, alternate years. I'm lucky, my H doesn't care so we go with what I'm used to...I have a good friend who fights with her h all the time when it comes to picking trees! Scotch or Balsm. LOL!

 

Hope this helps abit.

[quankanne]

• definitely separate vacations. Just because "two shall become one," you shouldn't throw practicality out the window -- as in, you love each other, but you don't necessarily like every dang thing your spouse does, nor should you have to suffer through monster truck rallies or marathon shopping sprees. That's what your best friend is for.

 

• and separate bank accounts. My husband more often than not worked jobs that kept him away from home and this was the most practical solution. Now that he's retired due to health reasons, we still have the separate checking accounts, though we do have a joint account from which the big bills get paid from.

 

• don't go to bed mad at each other. Establish ground rules for fighting fairly, and remind each other OFTEN that even if you're angry about his/her actions, that doesn't touch the love you feel for your spouse. Going to bed angry is pointless: it doesn't solve anything and it f*cks up a decent night's rest.

 

•_try very hard not to take each other for granted. If he vacuums the floor, notice it. If she's managed to save your favorite shirt from the rag bin because she's figured out a way to get out that damn'd spot, let her know how much you appreciate it. "Thank you" is the most over-looked phrase in a relationship, but it's such a simple thing.

 

• allow each other to have friends outside the marriage. Even if you don't like those friends, your spouse has had some of these people in his/her life longer than (s)he's had YOU. Making time for each other doesn't mean monopolizing each other's time.

 

• get it through your head that marriage is not a "50-50" endeavor: it's giving 110 percent all the time and not keeping score of your contribution. Because when you start keeping tally, you're overlooking the important stuff. Like how you smooth over each other's rough areas and fill in the gaps. It's a seamless kind of thing, ideally ...

 

and, as Treasa points out, a sense of humor and patience is a must. Because if you plan to accompany each other to the grave, you're gonna have to learn how to get along and how to keep each other entertained.

[Thinkalot]

I've been married a month, but living with my husband for 3 1/2 years, so many of the usual changes which come with living together have already been made.

 

advice for a happy marriage (not that I am always good at following it! lol)

 

1) Listen. Really listen to what the other is saying, rather than thinking about what your next comment is going to be. Try and stand in their shoes so you can understand their point of view

 

2)know when to stop and take a break from an argument (I definately have a lot of trouble following this point!!!)

 

3)dont fight dirty, or bring up old hurts during an argument- stick to the point

 

4)remember to appreciate all the good things they do, and comment on them- dont take their love and support for granted

 

5) keep romance alive, by doing sweet things and going on dates, it's important to keep the spark there

 

6)decide on how finances will be handled and agree on joint financial goals

 

7) decide on how family visit time will work, and be united

 

8) know when to let things go, and dont sweat the small stuff (another big lesson for me right now!)

 

8)be honest about your feelings, and communicate them as calmly as you can

 

9) laugh with each other lots and have fun doing things together!

[quankanne]

forgot the most important suggestion!: eek::eek:

 

[color=indigo]NEVER LET AN OPPORTUNITY GO BY TO TELL OR SHOW YER SPOUSE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM/HER!!![/color]

[whichwayisup]

Hey, we all give GOOD advice on marriage eh????????

 

Another thing I forgot...There WILL be times, trust me on this one...Us gals have to do the "nod the head" and pretend we care and are really listening to what they're saying...My hubby sometimes goes into these passionate blurts about whatever (computers, star trek, etc...) I honestly may have NO interest in it, really have NO desire to hear about it, but I do try my best. In the past I would tell him I don't care, that's not interesting to me - it would piss him off, so I stopped doing that...(It also happened that he threw my line back at me one day when i was telling something I thought was really cool...LOL...Guess that was a tit for tat thing...)

[AmHopeful]

Read the instructions first- then make sure you have all the pieces before you start building your project.

 

Good luck!

[westernxer]

Other than not getting married at all?

 

Guess you'll have to find out for yourself.

[Mz. Pixie]

My top few things-

 

1. Honesty

 

2. Communication

 

3. Do not take each other for granted.

 

4. Agree on how the children will be raised if you have children BEFORE you have them.

 

5. Marry someone who has a similar money style as you do.

 

6. When arguing never stoop to name calling or hurtful things. Once the argument is over you can't take those things back- and your spouse will remember it forever.

 

7. This one is critical for me but not everyone- be involved in a place of worship- agree on religion.

 

8. There will be times when you will not even like this person- trust me- but agree that you made a committment to this person and you're in it for the long haul.

[Sal Paradise]

My suggestion on the religion one is to respect the other persons beliefs or lack of beliefs.

 

My girlfriend was raised Lutherien (although she rarely if ever goes to church). I attended midnight mass with her because I respect her beliefs. She isn't a hardcore Christian but she is a Christian nonetheless.

 

I'm agnostic and she respects my lack of beliefs and never pressures or expects me to attend church. But she also knows I am willing to do so once in a while.

[whichwayisup]

8. There will be times when you will not even like this person- trust me- but agree that you made a committment to this person and you're in it for the long haul.

 

LOL! And that is when the humour has to come into play.

 

This is really stupid, but it bugs the s*** outta me...My husband has afew annoying habits that just sends me heading for the hills... One night watching TV, he was doing his annoying thing and my blood boiled. I just looked at him and thought to myself, OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE REST OF MY F**K'N LIFE...I CAN'T STAND HIM RIGHT NOW! I LOVE HIM YET I HATE HIM! Then ... It passes and I truely love him again.

 

Just get used to little things that will really piss you off. Those are things that you have to learn to control..I find the bigger issues are fine - we can talk NO probs...Just some habits he has drives me insane!

[chaos70]

If you want advice from me...since I'm heading to a divorce only 20 months after getting married.

learn to fight right:

- stick the issue at hand and in the present.

- try not to use the attack method but more of a "here is the problem, and why are you doing it"...followed by then how it makes you feel.

- don't play the "testing" game unless absolutely necessary. Giving them a lose-lose question only makes them go into a defensive mode.

- keep in mind that people can't read minds...don't expect them to pick up on your "subtle" hints.

- it isn't about who is right or wrong sometimes, but more of making sure they understand atleast your perspective with it turning into a bloodbath.

 

make time:

- ensure that you two are the top of each others priority list....doesn't mean spend every moment together but make the time count when you do.

- do things that you did when you weren't married...dress up for each other, sudden surprises, etc.

- no matter how crazy work gets, even 30 seconds makes a difference.

 

avoid stupid things:

- you have to be open about your feelings.

- you have to keep in mind that you want to be treated well so return the favor

- you have to make sure both of you are always on the same page of life.

 

If I figure out other things from my impending divorce...I'll let you know.

[soccorsilly]

Doesn't sex fit anywhere in here?

 

[Thinkalot]

Firstly- sure- lots of hot sex will always help keep a marriage happy.

 

secondly,

 

Originally posted by quankanne

 

• don't go to bed mad at each other. Establish ground rules for fighting fairly, and remind each other OFTEN that even if you're angry about his/her actions, that doesn't touch the love you feel for your spouse. Going to bed angry is pointless: it doesn't solve anything and it f*cks up a decent night's rest.

 

 

quank- I could not agree more, but HOW do you avoid going to bed angry, at least some of the time? I always want to solve things, or at least make things "nice" before going to sleep...but if my husband has had enough (after we've been arguing) he just shuts off, goes to bed, and goes to sleep. Then I have a f*cked nights sleep!

[New_Wife]

As the name implies, I would be the new wife, but we did go to premarital counseling (as I have also be previously married and was scared to do it again). Our counselor said there are three issues he sees the most often that folks should have discussed and agreed upon before marraige, but don't seem to:

 

1. Sex

2. Money

3. Children.

 

So we discussed all of those & sure enough, seems to be what comes up most (2 & 3 - we are newlyweds, so #1 takes care of itself).

 

I love what everyone has written so far. Thankyou

[quankanne]

HOW do you avoid going to bed angry, at least some of the time?

 

mostly, it's about not being so stubborn in wanting to hang on to the anger. I've done that a lot, willingly gone to bed so pissed off that I could see straight. That's where the fighting fairly comes in (and the sense of humor). And reminding yourself that even though he's being a boo-boo head because he yelled at you or didn't agree with you, underneath it all, you love him. Hell, this last thing is really the only thing that's helped me stay sane some days, because his attitude can be very hurtful, even if he doesn't intend to be ...

[moimeme]

but if my husband has had enough (after we've been arguing) he just shuts off, goes to bed, and goes to sleep. Then I have a f*cked nights sleep!

 

People need a cooling-off period after they fight to regain their composure and let the fight hormones drain away. If the fight doesn't end soon enough, some people use sleep as their 'cooling-off' period. I once heard a marriage counsellor say that it can be a good idea to go to bed angry for exactly that reason - you usually don't wake up mad. I agree that it's better to not go to bed mad, but if there's been no other way to get rid of the anger, then it's much better than staying up and continuing the fight.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Leoloo,

The best thing i can say is stay far far away from the inlaws because they can be a royal pain in the a$$!! Good luck!! My inlaws have brought me so much heartache in my marriage i hate them!! They are the inlaws from HELL!!!!

[Thinkalot]

I'm sorry to hear that about your inlaws!

 

Quank- very good advice!

 

And merry- that makes sense, especially in our situation. The thing is, he doesn't wake up mad, but if I have been awake, obsessing about the whole thing, and/or feeling upset, I will wake up mad!

I guess I need to learn how to shut off too. I find that hard.

 

My biggest advice to people still, is know when to let things go! Better to be happy than right! Probably because that's my biggest challenge.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Thinkalot,

Thanks for the advice you are so right about that!! Alot of times people try to make your life miserable because their lives aren't so i have to remember that the next time the inlaws get to me!! I don't have anything to do with them !! They treat our daughter like crap and ss is treated like gold guess because she is mine they don't care for her..mil will come get ss and never even come in the house ..she will blow the horn and ss will come out and she won't say a word.. So i really have no use for neither one .. You can treat me like crap but when it comes to my daughter thats where i draw the line!!

[Thinkalot]

oh for sure! That kind of behaviour is not on, but sadly, I have heard similar stories from other families

[dgiirl]

* when you find yourself fighting over the same issues over and over again (chores), there's something else that's the real problem

* make sure you do spend some quality time together. No matter how much you want to give him his space, make sure he's not avoiding you and ignoring problems

* if you feel like your getting burned out, seek help!

* if you feel bad about yourself, seek help!

* if you ever think what life will be like divorced, seek help!

* dont keep your marital problems to yourselves. Find a good support group that will help you solve your problems (not just rag on the other person about what an ass he/she is) Now that Im going through a divorce, I never realized how many people experienced the same problems as we did. Had we talked about it before, maybe we could have prevented the divorce.

* make sure you have a life outside of the marriage

* make sure the relationship is equal and not a parent/child relationship.

* rotate chores. This helps both sides realize they are not doing all the work.