Weird question that seems contradicting

[SerCay]

I posted about my mother a while back as well.

In short, it was about her being all about herself.

 

Now I have a question, for those with mothers who have had mental issues during their kid's childhoods.

 

Here comes:

 

My mother helps me out a lot. Volutarily, because I work a lot, she will come over (we live 2 minutes apart), and cook for me, or clean my house etc.

For example, I'm about to get a car, and she's going to help me with the down payment of it. Of course, this car is going to be helping her out as well, since we are going to do groceries with it together, now we do all by foot.

In this aspect I am truly blessed. And I am aware that what I'm going to say next, might sound a bit selfish...I don't know, but I still have to share it.

 

All the helping my mom does, she feels as if I owe her something. When we have a small argument about something, she will right away back out of something, that has NOTHING to do with the argument, as if she's using it as leverage against me. It annoys the cr*p out of me.

 

For example, she feels entitled to decide how much I will spend on a gift for my brother for New Year's. When I tell her no sorry I have my limit on budget set, I'm not gonna do that, she immidiately says; Oh, ok, then I won't do the shared birthday gift with you either for his birthday. While his birthday has NOTHING to do with new years :s.

 

Also, when I tell her something about my OWN life, that doesn't affect her, she will get disappointed because it's not what SHE wants to happen :s. I told her a while ago that I will pause college for a few years to work fulltime, and she got angry and disappointed. I am almost 30 yrs old btw...

She makes EVERYTHING about her :S. Not only with the above mentioned examples, but about all the things we talk about as well.

 

She will divert all subjects to herself, and also take things extremely personal. Criticism, getting no for an answer, not picking the route she wants, etc. all is taken personal by her and then replied to with defends and/or above mentioned passive aggressive methods.

 

Does anyone have a mom like this?

[Captivating]

Hi SerCay,

My childhood friend's mother was similar.

Very controlling, overestimating herself, my way or the highway, very critical, judgmental and selfish. The environment she creates around herself with all of this is highly toxic. These characteristics would make anyone very uncomfortable to be around her. You need to stand up for yourself and communicate this to her the same way you described above. You cannot be diplomatic about it because she needs to feel it in reality how her behavior affects you. Not to mention that she is not diplomatic with you either. There is no filter just constant emotional put down. Take her for grocery shopping then for a dinner , take her home and give her a long letter. Tell her that you love her but things have to change. She will be mad but at one point she needs to own up to what she is doing with you. How damaging it is. If you make the wrong decisons in life it's on you not on her. Although as a Mom she can suggest things she still needs to be nice about it and accepting your choices. She would be hurt if you would treat her the way she treats you. Let us know how things are. I hope things will get better.

[Heracles]

I only have two things to say.

 

If you don't want her to tell you what to do I.e. How to spend your money, then don't accept any money from her. Hold off on buying the car until you can afford the down payment.

 

If the help she is giving you is used as leverage, then refuse it and find ways to get by, on your own.

 

Make your choices and own them.