Hate kids but are a parent?

[dobielover]

A friend of mine has said this several times. She reminds me of Miranda from Sex and the City, but that's a fictional character. She says she hates kids, emphasis on the haaaaaaaate, and when she talks about the frustration she's experienced or experiences with her daughter, you can feel it. It's not pleasant. But then she swears she loves her daughter and having her and raising her is the best thing she's ever done and the thing she's most proud of and she loves her more than anything in the world.

 

I'm not a parent but this doesn't make sense to me. Anyone willing to admit thru feel the same?

[preraph]

There are whole websites devoted to the subject, such as MomConfessions and TrueMomConfessions. Just full of bile about parenting their own kids.

 

It's an unfortunate and hopefully dying tradition that women (and men) feel they MUST bear children even when they don't want them. Yes, many still love their kids -- but they don't love that they gave up the better lifestyle they had before becoming a slave to parenthood. I used to run a childfree forum and if there's one thing I feel strongly about in that regard it's that it's the stupidist and least humane thing a person can to do to force parenthood on someone who doesn't want kids. Doesn't even mean they don't like kids. Just means they don't want to give up themselves to it. There are people, both spouses and their pushy parents, who pressure others to have kids, as if it's for their own good -- but it's certainly not the best thing for a child, so those pushy people are only thinking of themselves and are not thinking about what's best for a child. A child deserves parents who want him and can afford to take care of him and who get along with each other, nothing less.

[oldshirt]

I probably fall into that category. I do not like being around pregnant women, babies and small children. I don't think babies are cute or precious or adorable. I think they are annoying and distracting and disruptive.

 

 

I like small children even less because at least babies can't get into sht and don't throw tantrums and yell just to be making noise.

 

 

I have never had any paternal instincts or any love of young children and was ambivalent at best about ever wanting any of my own.

 

 

I was resentful and saddened when all my friends started having kids and then their whole lives started revolving around kids and all they would talk about was kidstuff.

 

 

I greatly enjoyed my childfree existence and very greatly enjoyed the years my wife and I had as a childfree couple.

 

 

She was the opposite of me however and had been born and bred from day-one to bear and raise children and I knew that kids would be part of the package of being with her.

 

 

While we were knowingly not using birth control at the time, both of our kids were unplanned and came at inopportune times. Both pregnancies had complications and were very stressful and difficult. Both pregnancies caused stress and issues in our marriage but also forced us to suck it up and soldier on and each of us had to learn to compromise and work together.

 

 

Looking back, I am surprised we did not divorce.

 

 

When the kids came, I did love them and did do my best to be supportive and loving of them. That process did not come naturally or innately to me however.

 

 

I was a couple weeks shy of 38 when the first was born and 40 when the second one came. With our first child was the first time in my life I had changed a diaper, first time feeding and burping and really was the first I had even held a baby longer than the 30 seconds it would take someone to put on a coat or carry something out to the car etc.

 

 

while I was never abusive or neglectful etc I did at times feel some resent towards my loss of freedom and lamented my childfree days. I really missed the time and attention and connection that I lost with my wife when the kids came.

 

 

Did I mention I am surprised we didn't divorce?

 

 

my wife has come to the realization and has admitted that she did neglect me and shouldn't have turned her back to me to the degree that she did when the kids were very young.

 

 

When we were in counseling a few years ago and were discussing our issues with the counselor, I said that I knew when the kids came that her attentions and affections would be divided and that as part of fatherhood I knew and accepted that things would not be the same. However I was not prepared for the degree at which she would neglect me or the impact it would have on me.

 

 

Being pregnant and having babies and raising toddlers etc etc was not fun. It was not enjoyable. It wasn't even ok. It was a miserable, stressful, demanding, exasperating time in my life that I somehow endured.

 

 

I waited until after my son was six months old and had got the green light from his neonatologist that he was going to be ok and then I scheduled an appointment and basically ran to the urologist's office to have my plumbing disconnected. I know my wife was somewhat saddened and disappointed but she had terrible pregnancies and was told by her OB/gym that he could not recommend her ever carrying any more children and there was no way I could go through that again. If the urologist had refused to do my vasectomy, I would've taken a knife and scissors and did it myself.

 

 

by now you all probably think I am a monster and the world's worst parent. But actually I am a very good and very involved and very loving father. .......now.

 

 

My kids are almost 14 and 11 respectively now. And now I can talk to them and relate to them and understand them and while they can still make a lot of noise, they don't really get into sht anymore. And the best part is I can actually do things with them like play sports with them, take them hunting and fishing and to movies etc.

 

 

While I hated parenthood when they were babies and toddlers, I enjoy them now.

 

 

Conversely, while my wife was put on this earth to have and raise babies and young children, she is now at kind of a loss on how to deal with adolescents and teenagers and many things are now being deferred to me to deal with.

 

 

I think God in his infinite wisdom planned this all along.

 

 

So yes, I DO NOT LIKE BABIES, TODLERS OR YOUNG CHILDREN. But I m a parent and a good one at that. And I do love my kids more than anything. They did come at a very steep price and I still carry scars from the early day of parenthood and our marriage will likely forever carry the scars from going from a childless couple to parenthood in our mid and upper 30s. But we've made it this far and are still here.

[oldshirt]

so after saying all of that, I do have to be open and honest that if I could change the world some how, it would be that I would make it so that it was ok for people to not have kids and not feel pressure to have them if they have no innate desire to have them.

 

 

There are people that absolutely should NOT have kids. No one should be forced or pressured into being a parent if they don't like kids and have no desire for them.

 

 

There are crappy parents the whole world over that neglect and abuse their children. There are people that were good spouses when they were childless but once the kids came, they hated every moment and were out the door. There are people that would gladly pay child support just to be free of children in the house.

 

 

And there is even a much darker side. There are the Scott Peterson's of the world that actually kill their pregnant wives so that they can be free of parental responsibilities and keep screwing other chicks. Murder at the hands of their partners is the second leading cause of death in pregnant women. Statistically only vehicle accidents cause more deaths of pregnant women than murder by the people who impregnated them.

 

 

Not wanting kids is a serious issue and should never be taken lightly or assumed that someone will just "come around" or change their minds when baby arrives.

 

 

People need to be free to make their own decisions on their own fertility and reproductive rights and that includes the right to remain childfree if they so choose.

[loveweary11]

I'll send you to my mom's house.

 

Prominently displayed in the kitchen is a large, campy, country bumpkin style sign that reads:

 

 

"Having kids is like having your eyes pecked out by hens."

 

Sums up her opinion on the matter quite well,

 

Here is the sign. Looks a little different, but similar.

 

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61yosB53aPL._SX522_.jpg

Edited December 25, 2015 by loveweary11

[preraph]

I'll send you to my mom's house.

 

Prominently displayed in the kitchen is a large, campy, country bumpkin style sign that reads:

 

 

"Having kids is like having your eyes pecked out by hens."

 

Sums up her opinion on the matter quite well,

 

Here is the sign. Looks a little different, but similar.

 

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61yosB53aPL._SX522_.jpg

 

 

Did she just call you a hen? That old heifer!

[whichwayisup]

A friend of mine has said this several times. She reminds me of Miranda from Sex and the City, but that's a fictional character. She says she hates kids, emphasis on the haaaaaaaate, and when she talks about the frustration she's experienced or experiences with her daughter, you can feel it. It's not pleasant. But then she swears she loves her daughter and having her and raising her is the best thing she's ever done and the thing she's most proud of and she loves her more than anything in the world.

 

I'm not a parent but this doesn't make sense to me. Anyone willing to admit thru feel the same?

 

She loves it when things are good, hates it when things are tough and hard. That's normal isn't it? Being a parent is forever, doesn't mean one has to enjoy every minute of it.

 

sounds like your friend is venting.

[whichwayisup]

If the urologist had refused to do my vasectomy, I would've taken a knife and scissors and did it myself.

Very honest and real post! Just snipped (like that?) this portion out because it made me laugh!!

[dreamingoftigers]

I greatly love my daughter.

 

And I have another one on the way.

 

I don't "hate" kids but the am surprised by the transition it has put into my life.

 

Prior to children, I could just "up and go" where ever in different countries I wanted to.

 

My husband and I would throw a mattress in the back of the van, get some marshmallows and call it a weekend. Or a week. Or two. If we felt inclined enough.

 

That's all over. School is back in from Christmas holidays.

We have to stay in "hotels" with "beds." LOL. And not the "Fleabag Motor Inn" because we have a kid now.

 

And my kid calls me out on everything! It's a miniature me! Payback, oh so much payback!

 

I'm.glad I was a relatively easy child. My child is too.

 

But I am very scared for the next one. It is so full of energy that I feel like I am 8 months pregnant when I am only about 5. Same age gap between my brother and myself And my brother was very troubled.

 

The pregnancies are THE WORST. I AM SICK EVERYDAY.

 

Have already been discussing vasectomy with my husband.

 

Very scared about what two kids and all of those challenges will be. So glad I don't live in a previous generation. My grandmother had 9. Great-grabdmother came from a family of 13. That's nuts. Clearly they didn't have rough, shifty, crazy pregnancies like I do. Although great grandma said she would not go through another one and effectively applied "birth control" after three daughters with great grandpa. In other words, she kicked him out if the bedroom.

[Tayla]

A co worker of mine loves the "title" of being a mother. She just isn't a parent at heart. She feeds them and makes sure they are clothed. But any time spent with them is drudgery. She basically has not bonded with them. The girls know this and have learned how to find those maternal adults. Grandparents,aunts, and elder cousins have substituted.

if being a parent was feeding and clothing , wow ,,what a breeze it would be!

So are their parents who are more inclined to simply go thru the motions and do so begrudgingly... Yes.

I'm maternal by nature... so to understand the disconnect in bonding is foreign... Yet in observing some folks... I do see how a person can hate the process/duties, yet still love the child.

 

Oldshirt- us mammabears do find the teen years challenging. Dern critters start to really get a mind of their own and suddenly our parenting skills stop working. Suddenly we have a teen alien in our house ! and they seem to eat constantly!

I swore I was better off buying a cow for all the milk my boys consumed.

[MrDuck]

Sure it's possible because people are complex. There's no reason some people aren't capable of loving a kid with all their heart but not liking kids in general. The most important thing is people are real with themselves before they bring a kid into the world.

 

My sons mum is kinda the reverse of this. It's not she doesn't like kids, she does and she's great with them! She does charity work all over the globe lots of which working in communities to make a difference in disadvantaged children's lives! I've seen her in action, I've seen how stuck in she gets and how much she cares (and how much the kids love her).

 

BUT she was honest with me and herself, from the second she found out she was pregnant, that she didn't want kids.

That's not an easy thing to say, it's brave to own it and it's the right thing to do! I know all to well what it is to be 'raised' by a parent who doesn't want to be a parent. She owned it so we could make the decision that I would raise our son as a single dad.

We see her once a year or so because I want him to know who his mum is, and it works for us. Maybe one day when he's older they can have more of a relationship, I'd be happy because even if we weren't meant to be I still think she's a good person and she is his mum!

 

I knew my dad didn't want to be a dad, you can't hide that. I just think people need to really look inside themselves before they sign up for what should be a lifelong commitment to another human being!

[Pastypop]

I can't believe all the stupid rules and social norms that parents have to adhere to. Most of it is so stupid, cost money and doesn't make a bit of difference. Honestly, who cares if they wear red shirts today and blue tomorrow? How does that make them smarter?

 

Also, after you have kids, people become so mean and judgmental. They have no problem telling me what a bad parent I am because I travel, have career or go to the movies. Seriously, people actually expect us to live in a commune for 25 years with our kids and not come out. Some of us had a life before kids and continue to do so. We don't need to live through our kids to feel validated. Our Families were and are the absolute worse and turned into monsters when the kids were born. And, I almost forget about all the donations and volunteering they expect parents to do now. Geez, I have a job and kids to raise. The last thing I'm going to do is take the small window of time left and volunteer.

 

I can handle the all the other stuff, such as the crying and messes but the social, etiqutte and silly rules are just so STUPID. Heck, I make a point to bend or break most them just because. Over the years, I also grown backbone and now all those rude people think twice before they spout off their opinions now. They know I will tell them to mind their own business and go jump in a lake. There is just no reason for all this foolishness.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Oldshirt might have been spying on me for years and wrote that post about my life! Holy sheesh man, I can't even tell you how much that sounds like my life... Other than the pregnancy complications... But pregnancy in itself is a complication without actually pregnancy complications.

 

Especially that part about deviding her time. Mix two new kids (i wont say unplanned just a few years ahead of schedule which we werent expecting) with her job complications, then her going back to school... I mean the pecking order for her went something like ... Kids, school, job, house chores, sleep, her family, our pets, then maybe me? I had no idea having kids would knock me that far down in her eyes.

 

At first you bitch and moan as a guy. Losing your loved one so fast and so suddenly after years of it being just you two is hard to swallow. As my complaints didn't work (obviously), I got online and learned of the concept of emotional needs. So I got to work on that, trying my best to take everything I could off her plate. It helped a little at first, and the response was possitive. Then her notice of my efforts suddenly vanished and slowly our relationship became a transactional one. Where her time and affection were only to be given to me if I "did my chores" so to speak, but not just that, I needed to go way above and beyond to get her to notice me really. And the noticing became less and less as time passed. To the point where for the first time in years I was questioning her love for me.

 

This all started with kids. It's so hard. I agree there are times where I was fed up and divorce was a serious consideration. NOTHING I did seemed to change the pecking order for her. I felt dead last to her. Another issue is our money situation at that time was where our money deposits into the same account, and I was given essentially a two weeks allowance when I got paid. We are equal earners mind you, our pay is nearly the same. I actually make a shade more then her but she had the control of the money because I wasn't "responsible enough" according to her at the time.

 

I felt like I was a house maid, and source of income alone. That if I did my jobs well enough, or went above and beyond, I was given a little love in return. Again, this all started when we had our kids. I would be lying if I told you I didn't build some resentment for them. I mean, of course I love them, but the resentment was also there no question. I would often say things to married friends like "don't have kids if you want a good relationship" and all kinds of nasty things about kids in general. At that time in my life, the way I felt was they took what was most precious in my life away from me.

 

So yeah I've been there OP. A parent talking crap about kids without remorse. I fearcely love my kids. Will do anything for them. But had no problem saying terrible things about kids in general.

 

That resentment is long gone now. I like to think I'm a good father. I'm very involved, always have been, even in the resentful times. Now I see little kids in public and I can't help smiling on occasion. They can be kind of cute sometimes, kind of. haha! But generally speaking I'm not a huge fan of other peoples kids, just my own.

[scrapbooker]

On one hand, anyone who acts like every moment of parenting has been this blissful, transcendant experience is either psychotic or a liar. Some days it just sucks.

 

On the other hand.....not sure I'd joke about hating kids and hating parenting in front of my kids. I'd think basic common sense would make it clear that it might just hurt the kid's feelings.

 

I do agree about how some people become judgmental. The choices a parent makes about working, not working, schooling, travel, etc. are PERSONAL decisions. Other parents really don't have any business making judgments. And if you haven't ever had any kids at all....yeah, just shut up about it lolol

[BettyDraper]

I think that some parents believe that having a child is going to be all smiles and rainbows all the time, so when they have a kid they get a rude awakening and they hate it. My own mother had children simply because that is what was expected of her and she was too irresponsible to use birth control properly. She hated raising kids and she made sure that I knew it.

 

Working as a childcare provider was a great experience for me because it taught me that I am not cut out for motherhood. People say it is different with your own kids but I would still have to deal with all of the things that are terrible about being parent. Of course, I do realize that parenting does have rewards or else nobody would do it. Humans are programmed to love our offspring no matter how difficult they are.

 

I've had many mothers tell me that if I ever change my mind about having kids, it's okay to badger my husband into being a father because "Oooh motherhood!" I don't agree with this at all. Nobody should be pushed into parenting. I wouldn't want to parent with a man who didn't want to be a father. Kids can tell when they are unwanted even if that sentiment is not explicitly stated.

[Whoknew30]

I had my first as a teen & have no problem telling her that it sucked. I love my kids tremendously but it's not all roses & I don't lie about it. Doesn't mean I don't love them or love being a parent but no it's not fun, great & happy all the time. I think it's positive for kids to understand that, one moment mommy loves you & the next she feels like getting in her car & saying bye. They know id never do that but they do realize I have feelings & sometimes they're driving me crazy. I think it's normal to feel that way. I'd LOVE nothing more somedays to be go back to the days when my husband & I only had to do for ourselves but then I think I wouldn't see those faces & I know I'm in the right place...not an easy place but the right.

[central]

I don't like kids - except my own. Usually. I most certainly don't like other people's children. Sure, some are cute, and sometimes interesting or even charming - for short periods of time. In general, I think people are insane to have children - but then that makes me insane too! Yes, I must have been crazy ...

[MJJean]

I don't much like kids, either, and I have 3. I love mine because they're mine and they don't suck as humans. I like other people's children sometimes. Depends on the kid.

 

Also, I get twitchy when people bring their infants/toddlers to restaurants and movies after 7-8pm. Because, seriously, I am out to get a break from my kids. I don't want to listen to the screams, cries, whines, or loud chatter of someone else's.

[BlueIris]

I wouldn’t say it was hate, but there were a few times that my exH and I asked each what the heck we were thinking when we decided to have kids and we'd clearly been insane to have even conceived of the idea. haha “Oh, yeah! Let’s have kids! What a great idea!” Love them to bits, but when they’d get defiant or fight with each other or scream and run around and break things or melt down into sugar-blasted-Easter-morning fits and then puke up Peeps, they just weren’t the most appealing little critters. It wasn't hate, but there were moments when we weren't delighted.

[Tayla]

Sounds like some of this is about behaviors or habits.

 

Both which are part of the growing process.

 

I recall my bros and I as little kids thinking adults were strange... getting drunk and puking... Or getting stoned and slurring words. Yet they were the ones wanting us to get "A"s in english or excel in athletic endeavors. We didn't hate them... we just didn't understand the double messages. Growing up , we'd learn that we weren't the problem... it was the messages being conveyed.

 

If truth be told I hated that I couldn't be there as a single parent... and they grew up whether I liked it or not. And I swear they turned out wonderful just to rebell against the world! dern those statistics that say kids from a broken home are messed up ! Those kids showed that stat wrong.

 

I do find some humans challenging. ... and age and development are not necessarily the deciding factor.

[scrapbooker]

I think anyone who says they have never had a moment where they just wanted to run away from home or sell their kids to gypsies is lying

 

I love kids in general, but I had a few of those moments, especially when I had more than one in diapers.

[Gemma1]

I really didn't like kids before I had my own. Now, I like every age that is younger than mine, perhaps because now I can relate to them and understand them, and it makes me miss mine being younger. Any kid older than mine is still a strange alien that I don't care much for. I guess by the time mine grows up I will like all kids :-)

[SJS]

I don't like kids. Well, let me rephrase, there are very few kids that I do like. Mine is pretty cool. Her friends? Not so much. Other kids in her class? No way. She thinks I'm joking when I refer to all grade schoolers as plague-carrying-snotwads. Before her I wanted 4 which is funny because I've never liked kids. Obviously didn't happen, not by choice though.

 

 

The irony is that kids are drawn to me--especially the trouble makers, I think it's because I'm patient and can talk to them on their level, and I make sure to point out a positive trait or two. Many adults think I'm a teacher...

[cocorico]

I probably fall into that category. I do not like being around pregnant women, babies and small children. I don't think babies are cute or precious or adorable. I think they are annoying and distracting and disruptive.

 

 

I like small children even less because at least babies can't get into sht and don't throw tantrums and yell just to be making noise.

 

 

I have never had any paternal instincts or any love of young children and was ambivalent at best about ever wanting any of my own.

 

 

I was resentful and saddened when all my friends started having kids and then their whole lives started revolving around kids and all they would talk about was kidstuff.

 

 

I greatly enjoyed my childfree existence and very greatly enjoyed the years my wife and I had as a childfree couple.

 

 

She was the opposite of me however and had been born and bred from day-one to bear and raise children and I knew that kids would be part of the package of being with her.

 

 

While we were knowingly not using birth control at the time, both of our kids were unplanned and came at inopportune times. Both pregnancies had complications and were very stressful and difficult. Both pregnancies caused stress and issues in our marriage but also forced us to suck it up and soldier on and each of us had to learn to compromise and work together.

 

 

Looking back, I am surprised we did not divorce.

 

 

When the kids came, I did love them and did do my best to be supportive and loving of them. That process did not come naturally or innately to me however.

 

 

I was a couple weeks shy of 38 when the first was born and 40 when the second one came. With our first child was the first time in my life I had changed a diaper, first time feeding and burping and really was the first I had even held a baby longer than the 30 seconds it would take someone to put on a coat or carry something out to the car etc.

 

 

while I was never abusive or neglectful etc I did at times feel some resent towards my loss of freedom and lamented my childfree days. I really missed the time and attention and connection that I lost with my wife when the kids came.

 

 

Did I mention I am surprised we didn't divorce?

 

 

my wife has come to the realization and has admitted that she did neglect me and shouldn't have turned her back to me to the degree that she did when the kids were very young.

 

 

When we were in counseling a few years ago and were discussing our issues with the counselor, I said that I knew when the kids came that her attentions and affections would be divided and that as part of fatherhood I knew and accepted that things would not be the same. However I was not prepared for the degree at which she would neglect me or the impact it would have on me.

 

 

Being pregnant and having babies and raising toddlers etc etc was not fun. It was not enjoyable. It wasn't even ok. It was a miserable, stressful, demanding, exasperating time in my life that I somehow endured.

 

 

I waited until after my son was six months old and had got the green light from his neonatologist that he was going to be ok and then I scheduled an appointment and basically ran to the urologist's office to have my plumbing disconnected. I know my wife was somewhat saddened and disappointed but she had terrible pregnancies and was told by her OB/gym that he could not recommend her ever carrying any more children and there was no way I could go through that again. If the urologist had refused to do my vasectomy, I would've taken a knife and scissors and did it myself.

 

 

by now you all probably think I am a monster and the world's worst parent. But actually I am a very good and very involved and very loving father. .......now.

 

 

My kids are almost 14 and 11 respectively now. And now I can talk to them and relate to them and understand them and while they can still make a lot of noise, they don't really get into sht anymore. And the best part is I can actually do things with them like play sports with them, take them hunting and fishing and to movies etc.

 

 

While I hated parenthood when they were babies and toddlers, I enjoy them now.

 

 

Conversely, while my wife was put on this earth to have and raise babies and young children, she is now at kind of a loss on how to deal with adolescents and teenagers and many things are now being deferred to me to deal with.

 

 

I think God in his infinite wisdom planned this all along.

 

 

So yes, I DO NOT LIKE BABIES, TODLERS OR YOUNG CHILDREN. But I m a parent and a good one at that. And I do love my kids more than anything. They did come at a very steep price and I still carry scars from the early day of parenthood and our marriage will likely forever carry the scars from going from a childless couple to parenthood in our mid and upper 30s. But we've made it this far and are still here.

 

I ***so*** relate to this.

 

Maternal instinct? Doesn't exist! My kids entered my life through happenstance rather than choice, and they're great young people and I love them fiercely - but parenthood isn't something I'd ever have chosen.

[mammasita]

I can see it happening. I love my son and my BFs daughter and all of my friends kids, but do not want any more from my uterus.

 

I frown at misbehaved hellions and snotty noses. I feel for day care workers and teachers and thank the heavens that isn't my job.

 

Does that mean I love the kids in my circle any less? Nope.