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"Any man who loves you will run after you after you break up" - is that true?

saffie

By saffie
in Second Chances

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saffie Member

saffie

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I read this in another thread, but it doesn't ring true to me.

 

Guys, have you ever broken up with someone you loved (let's say there were extenuating circumstances that caused you to break up despite the fact that you cared for her) and then NOT run after her? What if she broke up with you and you loved her? Do you ALWAYS run after her?

 

It seems to me that there are plenty of reasons why a guy who loved a gal would not run after her after a break-up. For one thing, if he reads LoveShack or subscribes to its philosophies, he might think he should do NC to forget her and move on. For another thing, he might have stuff he needs to take care of before he's ready to try to get back with her. Another possibility is that he's so depressed after being dumped that he feels "unworthy." Or he may feel that she's so upset with him that she'll just reject him again.

outdated Established Member

outdated

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Lord help me but I'm running after her as we speak. Seems to be looking up too, and I'm a jackass. :laugh:

 

I have to and I don't know why. I've been in several relationships and when they were over, I knew it and graciously let it go. But not this time. My gut won't let me.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Hey, I always say go with yer gut, it doesn't lie much.

 

Hope things work out! Atleast if it doesn't YOU know you gave it all ya got! :)

willduggan Member

willduggan

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exactly, go with your gut, it wont stear you wrong, my guts telling me the same thing, run after her, and things are slowly getting better, going from never talking to talking every morning flirting back and forth is a diffinate improvement :o

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saffie Member

saffie

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Wow, you guys are all "Go with your gut!" - which is the opposite of what you would usually read here on LoveShack: "NC!! NC!! NC!!"

westernxer Established Member

westernxer

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Originally posted by saffie

Guys, have you ever broken up with someone you loved (let's say there were extenuating circumstances that caused you to break up despite the fact that you cared for her) and then NOT run after her?

Yep.

 

What if she broke up with you and you loved her? Do you ALWAYS run after her?

Nope.

Auz Member

Auz

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Its a fine line to walk -

 

If your gut tells you that there is no chance of anything happening, then you go NC - because NC is there for you to get over him/her - not for them to miss you.

 

If your gut tells you that maybe there is a chance, then follow your gut - NC 'MIGHT' make them come back, but personally I have chosen to still stay friends with my ex - but thats due to the reasons that we split up. She is alot younger than me, and because she isnt sure about comitting, she doesnt want to commit me until she herself is sure. Yeah it sucks like hell for me, but unfortunately I can understand her reasoning.

 

Yesh it drives me crazy, but my gut says stick with it...

Marshbear Established Member

Marshbear

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I broke up with my ex and although I was in love with her I did not run after her. My gut told me that she did not want to commit so I let her go and moved on.

You sound like you would like your ex to run after you and prove his love to you.

I hope it works out for you.

 

Peace...

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saffie Member

saffie

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All of this feedback is very interesting - thanks, everybody, for responding. I'd be very interested to hear more comments if anybody has any they'd like to toss in.

Guest

Guest

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because if I truly loved the person, I would want them to be happy, and if they made it obvious they would be happier without me, even if it crushed me, I would leave them alone. :(

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saffie Member

saffie

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Originally posted by Marshbear

You sound like you would like your ex to run after you and prove his love to you.

 

No, what I said was that the quote that's the title of this thread did ~not~ ring true to me and that I think there's plenty of reasons that a guy would not run after a gal after a break-up, even if he loved her.

 

After seven weeks of NC, I'm willing to contact my ex and I'm thinking about doing so tonight. If we ever got back together, it sure wouldn't be any time soon and he would not have to run after me. I'm guessing that the most likely outcome if I contacted him tonight would be that he would politely let me know that he's not interested. If that happens, I'm hoping it'll be extra impetus for me to keep trying to meet other people.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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no, we do not always run after her...

Sharmaine Member

Sharmaine

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Originally posted by saffie

I read this in another thread, but it doesn't ring true to me.

 

Guys, have you ever broken up with someone you loved (let's say there were extenuating circumstances that caused you to break up despite the fact that you cared for her) and then NOT run after her?

 

Feelings are are not something we can run from or hide from - not for very long anyway. IMO, if the guy truly loved/still loved and cared for his ex, he wouldn't be able to stay away from her. He'd try to hang onto her in some way, in whatever way possible whether by texting/email/phone calls, etc.....

 

What if she broke up with you and you loved her? Do you ALWAYS run after her?

 

He probably would for so long I reckon. Once however it sunk in that the relationship was over, there was no going back, the girl *didn't* want him anymore, then the 'pursuing' would likely stop.

Some would move on, while others would perhaps over time, think of contacting the ex again just to say 'hi'. They do that because they are finding it hard to let go I think. We see it all of the time in the stories in these forums, where guys have been split up with ex's for weeks/months and they are wondering if they should contact an ex/send them an email, etc, etc.........these are the ones who find it diffcult to let go and to move on.

scarlyjones Established Member

scarlyjones

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I think for guys,....sometimes they make the mistake of taking it too far to the point that they embarrass and degrade themselves. Other times its sweet. Depends on the means they take.

Illusion24 Established Member

Illusion24

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My Ex hasn't given up and in some ways I'm glad he hasn't. :o

scarlyjones Established Member

scarlyjones

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Originally posted by NeverSayNever

My Ex hasn't given up and in some ways I'm glad he hasn't. :o

 

 

Do you want him back?

Illusion24 Established Member

Illusion24

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Originally posted by scarlyjones

Do you want him back?

 

Let's just say I miss him...We've talked A LOT!

scarlyjones Established Member

scarlyjones

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Did he break up with you,...or vice versa?

blackendangel13 Established Member

blackendangel13

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I find this post interesting. I think it all depends on the circumstances.

 

I am in a position now that is confusing to me. My ex and I have been broken up for a year almost and it was a ruff break-up. I got really hurt. Anyways, about Christmas time last year he started emailing me and despite my efforts to push him away (and believe me I was NASTY about it) and even asking him to stay away he didn't. I couldn't bring myself to block his email either. It makes me wonder what is behind this because he knew I was with someone else (for only 6 months) and now that I am single again we are talking more civily. I find it hard to understand why he couldn't let me go when he broke up with me and broke my heart.

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Well I'm not sure what it means once the relationship had been broken and then the person has a change of heart.. could mean they really love you and it took them some alone time so to speak to figure out what they had...

 

In my 2 year relationship, the whole thing pretty much sucked my ass... it was up and down (more down) and really a struggle all of the time... by the time he finally did "Get it" it didn't matter anymore.. he did come running after me, but I didn't want it or any part of it... to much had been said and done and I didn't have faith or trust in him...

 

My most currant... we also had ups and downs.. and it was often a struggle... 3 weeks ago we broke up and he just text me and started calling this past Tuesday... he told me that it took him not having me in his life to understand what I meant to him and he loves me... he also said that it was hard to call me out of pride but that he couldn't live with it if he didn't tell me how he feels....

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

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If a guy loves you and believes in the relationship, he won't give up and let you go. But the fact that a man is running after a woman doesn't necessarily mean he loves her (sex, money, etc. could be the motive too). Men generally chase things they can't have or lose against their own will; it's the hunter in them that wakes up in such situations.

When my 6-year old son says he finished his dinner and I ask him "can I have this last bite then?" he says "No!" I say "OK," but then he realizes he doesn't really want it as he is not hungry. So as he got what he wanted, he is not interested in it again. He says: "OK, finish it." But the moment I put it in my mouth he exclaims: "No! Wait! I want it!" Often he eats it. Sometimes I just put it in my mouth and eat it. When I do, he just smiles. He doesn't really care when it's already gone forever.

So what I'm saying is that they might run after the woman, but as soon as they realize she is gone forever, they won't really regret it unless they're really in love with her.

Curt Established Member

Curt

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Sometimes, gut feelings lie. Why? They are manifestations of our own physiological "love" state, in one accord with the mental images, and emotional milleu that we ascribe to a partnership.

 

We may well be in love with a person this month, but because of mitigating factors in the relationship, as well as in our daily lives, we may "lose" those physiologically derived connections that help keep our love "condition" alive and vibrant.

 

We interpret this as having gone through "changes," which the once object of our affection may not have experienced. Hence, that partner sees things as a dramatic deviation from where we were in the relationship with them.

 

Hence, when the break-up occurs, one person may well believe that the other partner shall "return" when s/he gets a clear view of how much s/he loved them. However, for one of many reasons,they may not.

 

Love is a complex soup of physical and emotional constructs, and a tug on one end of the string, can effect change in the other end.

 

As such, we need to be at one with the idea that she or he may never return.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

Curt

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saffie Member

saffie

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Originally posted by RecordProducer

If a guy loves you and believes in the relationship, he won't give up and let you go. But the fact that a man is running after a woman doesn't necessarily mean he loves her (sex, money, etc. could be the motive too). Men generally chase things they can't have or lose against their own will; it's the hunter in them that wakes up in such situations.

 

I think he might very well give up and let you go if he knows you want out and he is a decent guy. Otherwise, he's just a stalker.

 

I totally agree that men and women chase after exes for motives other than love. There was a very interesting article in the New York Times this week about love and how it affects the brain. A very relevant excerpt:

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/31/health/psychology/31love.html

 

In a follow-up experiment, Dr. Fisher, Dr. Aron and Dr. Brown have carried out brain scans on 17 other young men and women who recently were dumped by their lovers. As in the new love study, the researchers compared two sets of images, one taken when the participants were looking at a photo of a friend, the other when looking at a picture of their ex.

 

Although they are still sorting through the images, the investigators have noticed one preliminary finding: increased activation in an area of the brain related to the region associated with passionate love. "It seems to suggest what the psychological literature, poetry and people have long noticed: that being dumped actually does heighten romantic love, a phenomenon I call frustration-attraction," Dr. Fisher said in an e-mail message.

 

One volunteer in the study was Suzanna Katz, 22, of New York, who suffered through a breakup with her boyfriend three years ago. Ms. Katz said she became hyperactive to distract herself after the split, but said she also had moments of almost physical withdrawal, as if weaning herself from a drug.

 

"It had little to do with him, but more with the fact that there was something there, inside myself, a hope, a knowledge that there's someone out there for you, and that you're capable of feeling this way, and suddenly I felt like that was being lost," she said in an interview.

 

And no wonder. In a series of studies, researchers have found that, among other processes, new love involves psychologically internalizing a lover, absorbing elements of the other person's opinions, hobbies, expressions, character, as well as sharing one's own. "The expansion of the self happens very rapidly, it's one of the most exhilarating experiences there is, and short of threatening our survival it is one thing that most motivates us," said Dr. Aron, of SUNY, a co-author of the study.

 

To lose all that, all at once, while still in love, plays havoc with the emotional, cognitive and deeper reward-driven areas of the brain. But the heightened activity in these areas inevitably settles down. And the circuits in the brain related to passion remain intact, the researchers say - intact and capable in time of flaring to life with someone new.

Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Established Member

Da_1_n_OnlyN3na

Posted
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ok well my question is.. y would u go bak to that ex?.....

 

what if u guys had broken up bcuz of a jumping to conclusions kinda thing and den ur ex starts dating sum one else who he/she seems to love...

 

would u still go bak to the ex if lets say sumthing happened between ur current gf and u?...

 

if so y? :o

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