Scared I was assaulted

[soconfused00]

My hubby and I were talking suggestively about how we enjoy having sex outside of the bedroom and I said "Yeah I enjoy making dinner and thinking about when you me there. I just draw the line at other peoples bedrooms. Except for that one time in J's bed." He immediately looked confused and said he has no idea what I'm talking about. So i added in how we were both extremely drunk. (We were living in a house with his friend (m) and an out of town working guy(j). M, my hubby and i would drink and hangout. At this point in our relationship we were having trouble and trying to figure out how to move forward. I became close with his friend and would confide in him, some nights staying up past my partners bedtime just talking. Which i know now was wrong. This was 3 years ago.) Anyways I said how we were both extremely drunk and he said "Yeah everyone was drinking then" and now I'm confused because I swear it was him. And I've asked him over and over if it was him and he says no. I tried to say how I was blackout drunk and all I really remember was him saying how he was happy i was so drunk and it was easy that way. My hubby replies with "sounds like something M would say. Why would i need you to not remember?". I went and cried and now he's gone somewhere. I am so confused I swear it was him but I never really did see his face. I'm wondering was it a dream? So vivid it felt like that happened? Or did was I sexually assaulted? I was incoherent. I'm just afraid my hubby thinks I cheated.

[Sparta]

This happened today..? Are you sure you're not lying to him. Anyways how's your relationship now, I don't mean this minute obviously, he just found out his wife slept with a other man. Are you going to ask him for reconcile. If that's the case what do you plan on doing. How do you plan on helping. Recover from such a betrayal.

[Sparta]

I really don't think the subject title description of this thread is accurate and you might want to think about changing it. Then I would ask a moderator to move the thread into infidelity..?

[soconfused00]

This happened today..? Are you sure you're not lying to him. Anyways how's your relationship now, I don't mean this minute obviously, he just found out his wife slept with a other man. Are you going to ask him for reconcile. If that's the case what do you plan on doing. How do you plan on helping. Recover from such a betrayal.

Our conversation happened today. The incident happened 3 years ago. We've been together for six have two little ones and our last one on the way. I am positive I'm not lying, I swear it was him and was shocked to the core when he said it wasn't. I dont remember having sex just having someone lying on top of me while I was on my stomach fondling me and him saying those things about my state of being. I feel like I was assaulted but he thinks I cheated or at least that's what I'm gathering. This is so messed up. Did I technically cheat even though I honest to God thought it was my husband?

[Rejected Rosebud]

If you had sex on purpose and remember enjoying it, then you weren't assaulted were you?

[Ms. Faust]

You were both drunk and it was 3 years ago. I don't think you will ever find a satisfactory answer on whether or not it was him.

 

No, you didn't cheat, and to be fair I also don't think you were sexually assaulted.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Maddieandtae]

Sexual assault is very serious, drunk or not your husband needs to treat this very seriously and not make it about cheating. That thought is absolutely ridiculous and is essentially saying you asked for it. You need support not accusations.

[lollipopspot]

all I really remember was him saying how he was happy i was so drunk and it was easy that way... I was incoherent.

 

I think a guy who has sex with a woman with whom he doesn't have a relationship under this condition - she's incoherent - is behaving as a rapist. I don't know all the details of this incident - only the OP and guy know - but it doesn't sound good.

Edited December 26, 2015 by lollipopspot

[Ms. Faust]

I think it has been too long and OP was too drunk to even begin to entertain the idea of sexual assault. I am not saying that people who are drunk do not get sexually assaulted... What i am saying is if someone starts thinking that THREE years later and everyone present was drunk, and her supposed partner was also black out drunk... Well that is a LOT of reasonable doubt. Maybe OP is the one who is right? Maybe her husband did have sex with her... And then in her mind she is accusing an innocent person of assault.

 

I can see the other side of what if the husband was right and she did not have sex... But there are way too many fuzzy details and too many years to make that kind of judgment call.

 

What was the state you woke up in, OP?

Edited December 26, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[lollipopspot]

I think it has been too long and OP was too drunk to even begin to entertain the idea of sexual assault. I am not saying that people who are drunk do not get sexually assaulted... What i am saying is if someone starts thinking that THREE years later and everyone present was drunk, and her supposed partner was also black out drunk... Well that is a LOT of reasonable doubt. Maybe OP is the one who is right? Maybe her husband did have sex with her... And then in her mind she is accusing an innocent person of assault.

 

I can see the other side of what if the husband was right and she did not have sex... But there are way too many fuzzy details and too many years to make that kind of judgment call.

 

What was the state you woke up in, OP?

 

Actually if "OP was too drunk to even begin to entertain the idea of sexual assault," that's exactly why one would "begin to entertain the idea of sexual assault." Too drunk to consent.

 

If the guy was also so drunk he was incoherent, he wouldn't be having sex. His particular role was more active. That's why he would be a rapist.

 

Who the F cares if "in her mind" she is potentially accusing this dude of assault. At this point she's just trying to figure out what happened.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Maybe her husband did have sex with her... And then in her mind she is accusing an innocent person of assault.

Here's the thing - if she was consenting to sex, it WAS NOT assault. If she was passed out and was a victim of assault, it would still be assault if her husband did it or another guy.

 

Assault is not dependent on who did it - could be her husband, and could be a different guy who assaulted her.

 

Likely scenario is that all the people were so sh**faced drunk, she did have sex with her husband who himself was in a blackout and doesn't remember it. Anyway, the OP has fond memories of it and it happened 3 years ago.

[Ms. Faust]

It does matter. She is setting up someone in her mind as sexually assaulting because her (also drunk) husband does not recall a night WHILE SHE IS ADAMANT that it was her husband. The ONLY reason that she is doubtful now is because her husband is doubting her and the person she may have had sex with said some conveniently incriminating things that "sounds" like something that other person would say.

 

Too many questions to ask.

[lollipopspot]

It does matter. She is setting up someone in her mind as sexually assaulting her because her (also drunk) husband does not recall a night WHILE SHE IS ADAMANT that it was her husband. The ONLY reason that she is doubtful now is because her husband is doubting her and the person she may have had sex with said some conveniently incriminating things that "sounds" like something that other person would say.

 

Too many questions to ask.

 

Well, she's asking the questions.

 

People can do what they want in their own minds. She can call him a murderer if she wants "in her mind." That's her business. If she wants to try to figure out what happened to her, seems to me that's her prerogative.

[Ms. Faust]

Well, she's asking the questions.

 

People can do what they want in their own minds. She can call him a murderer if she wants "in her mind."

 

Sigh. Victim culture. Whatevs, she was awake and willing, it was not assault no matter how it is twisted.

[lollipopspot]

Sigh. Victim culture. Whatevs, she was awake and willing, it was not assault no matter how it is twisted.

 

Sigh (what a passive aggressive response you had). Having sex with a person who so drunk as to be incoherent.

 

I hope you don't raise a son.

[Ms. Faust]

Sigh. Having sex with a person who so drunk as to be incoherent.

 

I hope you don't raise a son.

 

She had no question in her mind it was her husband. None whatsoever. Her husband who was also blotto that night said it wasn't him. She swears it was him. I hope you don't have sons, willing to believe they raped someone on such questionable accounts.

[lollipopspot]

She had no question in her mind it was her husband. None whatsoever. Her husband who was also blotto that night said it wasn't him. She swears it was him. I hope you don't have sons, willing to believe they raped someone on such questionable accounts.

 

Any sons I would have would know not to have sex with someone when they were incoherent.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Sigh (what a passive aggressive response you had). Having sex with a person who so drunk as to be incoherent.

 

I hope you don't raise a son.

But what about the fact that it was a happy memory for her?? I mean, in her memory it was a fun sexual experience she had. I don't see how, if it turned out to be a fun sexual experience but just not with her husband, it would turn into assault now??

 

Or conversely, if it was assault, then her fun sexual experience would have been assault if it were with her husband equally.

 

Is that not right??:confused:

[lollipopspot]

But what about the fact that it was a happy memory for her?? I mean, in her memory it was a fun sexual experience she had. I don't see how, if it turned out to be a fun sexual experience but just not with her husband, it would turn into assault now??

 

Or conversely, if it was assault, then her fun sexual experience would have been assault if it were with her husband equally.

 

Is that not right??:confused:

 

I don't know how fun and happy it was for her, but it doesn't matter. If she was truly incoherent, a guy in particular who is not her partner shouldn't be having sex with her. There's a concept about consent, and someone incoherent can't give it.

 

The identity of the person actually does matter in terms of how it would be perceived afterwards. I'm not sure why that would be confusing.

[AspenBaldwin]

You could go and have hypnosis to see if you can remember more of this 'alleged' assault.

[basil67]

But what about the fact that it was a happy memory for her?? I mean, in her memory it was a fun sexual experience she had. I don't see how, if it turned out to be a fun sexual experience but just not with her husband, it would turn into assault now??

 

Or conversely, if it was assault, then her fun sexual experience would have been assault if it were with her husband equally.

 

Is that not right??:confused:

 

It would seem that the OP has given her partner the freedom to have sexual contact with her when she's incapable of consent. Giving a trusted partner this freedom does not automatically give the same freedom to any other dude who comes along. It's like how a person X may be Ok with partner Y initiating sex while X is still sleeping.....but isn't OK with person Z coming along and trying the same thing.

 

That being said, I'm inclined to believe it probably was the husband and he was too drunk to remember.

[Got it]

I do not think the OP is wrong to question the events or for her and her husband to explore further what happened three years ago. And the idea that this couldn't be rape is amazing. I am always surprised by how some people think.

 

I am not sure if one will get the definitive answers since it is so long ago but the knowledge that it may not have been her husband is fresh.

 

OP - therapy may be a good route for you to go down to deal with this. I don't know if your husband just doesn't remember, if it was someone else, and whether you will ever get an answer but a therapist can help work through the emotions.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I do not think the OP is wrong to question the events or for her and her husband to explore further what happened three years ago. And the idea that this couldn't be rape is amazing. I am always surprised by how some people think.

I didn't say it couldn't be rape. I said that she used it as an example of enjoying sex with her husband in somebody else's bedroom. She remembers it and it was 3 years ago. Then she says she was incoherent, so I'm confused about her positive memory of it, but whatever. What I got from the OP was that she had a good memory of having sex with her husband in somebody else's bed, but when he denied that it happened with him, she thought it would be assault. That is what made me think it was not a case of rape. OR that she was actually incoherent since she remembers it.

 

I believe that women are raped when they are drunk and don't know what they are doing many many times. But I DON'T believe that if TWO people are drunk, and one is a man and one is a woman, and they have sex with each other, that it necessarily equals a rape.

[SoleMate]

Assault is not dependent on who did it - could be her husband, and could be a different guy who assaulted her.

That is not the law. If a woman consents to sex with a man because she believes him to be her husband, that does NOT constitute consent to another man. It's called https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_by_deception and it is a felony in many jurisdictions and under the Model Penal Code.

[Rejected Rosebud]

That is not the law. If a woman consents to sex with a man because she believes him to be her husband, that does NOT constitute consent to another man. It's called https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_by_deception and it is a felony in many jurisdictions and under the Model Penal Code.

Oh, I didn't know this at all. It would be super hard to prove that she didn't know it wasn't her husband, or that she wasn't having sex with a different guy on purpose. What a messy situation. best of luck to you, OP.