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[JacksBack]

Thank you for answering. Did you move out or wife move out of the house after you told her that you wanted a divorce? Were you still living with wife when you filed?

 

Yes I was still in the marital home when i filed but living in different room and going out of my way to avoid her. I did not move out until after filing for strategic reasons

[Popsicle]

Yes I was still in the marital home when i filed but living in different room and going out of my way to avoid her. I did not move out until after filing for strategic reasons

 

I understand. I'm just trying to imagine someone telling their spouse that they want a divorce and then absolutely nothing happens or changes for 8 months? What was your wife thinking and doing after you told her? Maybe she didn't believe you'd actually go through with anything? Maybe she thought you'd both try to fix things between you? Were you in MC? I mean, I have heard of several people threatening divorce and even moving into a different bedroom but they never file or actually divorce (my own sister did this).

[Popsicle]

By the way, JacksBack, I think you are wise to give it 2 years and then pull the plug. That sounds reasonable for her (MW) and healthy for you. Don't let her talk you out of it at the 2 year mark with more excuses or begging/pleading!

 

My own A lasted 2.5 years and when I was done, he tried to keep it going for longer with excuse after excuse. It had already been long enough!

[Popsicle]

Congratulations on being free from a bad marriage now, too.

[Popsicle]

I understand. I'm just trying to imagine someone telling their spouse that they want a divorce and then absolutely nothing happens or changes for 8 months? What was your wife thinking and doing after you told her? Maybe she didn't believe you'd actually go through with anything? Maybe she thought you'd both try to fix things between you? Were you in MC? I mean, I have heard of several people threatening divorce and even moving into a different bedroom but they never file or actually divorce (my own sister did this).

 

sorry for posting so many times but why did you take 8 months to file? Did you tell your wife that you wanted a divorce and then expect her to file first but she didn't? A lot of men do that because they want to wife to be the one to make that decision, but the wife never does, and the guy doesn't have the courage like you did to do it himself, so they just stay miserably.

[JacksBack]

No problem. For strategic reasons.The divorce courts here looks at your average income over 3 years and in 2011 I had a higher income so I figured Id wait until January so my income for spousal support calculations would be based upon 2012-2014. Hope that makes sense.

[JacksBack]

I understand. I'm just trying to imagine someone telling their spouse that they want a divorce and then absolutely nothing happens or changes for 8 months? What was your wife thinking and doing after you told her? Maybe she didn't believe you'd actually go through with anything? Maybe she thought you'd both try to fix things between you? Were you in MC? I mean, I have heard of several people threatening divorce and even moving into a different bedroom but they never file or actually divorce (my own sister did this).

She asked for MC, I refused, there was no point I knew with 100% certainty I was done, she started dating too, she was too lazy to file herself but I think she was still surprised when I did.

[Popsicle]

No problem. For strategic reasons.The divorce courts here looks at your average income over 3 years and in 2011 I had a higher income so I figured Id wait until January so my income for spousal support calculations would be based upon 2012-2014. Hope that makes sense.

 

Yes it does. Got it. Thank you.

 

That reason is a whole lot better than having no reason at all, or worse, waiting for her to do it first....

[Popsicle]

She asked for MC, I refused, there was no point I knew with 100% certainty I was done, she started dating too, she was too lazy to file herself but I think she was still surprised when I did.

 

Nice to see that men like you exist (ones who can make a decision, albeit after much needed deliberation and most importantly, take action once you've decided).

[JacksBack]

Nice to see that men like you exist (ones who can make a decision, albeit after much needed deliberation and most importantly, take action once you've decided).

Thanks, I now know I was too weak in the marriage and overstayed by about 10 years but found my strength eventually. Things are much clearer from the outside looking in. Nice to read that you gave up on your A at 2.5 years and didn't let it drag on. I'm guessing a lot of A's in the 2-3 year range are ended by the OM/OW.

[Popsicle]

Thanks, I now know I was too weak in the marriage and overstayed by about 10 years but found my strength eventually. Things are much clearer from the outside looking in. Nice to read that you gave up on your A at 2.5 years and didn't let it drag on. I'm guessing a lot of A's in the 2-3 year range are ended by the OM/OW.

 

I know, right? I too divorced after 15 years (divorce was long before my A). It makes you a much stronger person to get through that. I don't know, maybe being able to get thru divorce is what helped me to be strong enough to give up the A. (and maybe it does you too)

 

And, yes, I think you're right that on average it takes about 2-3 years for the single OM/OW to realize what is really going on and end it.

 

When both AP's are married and both want to stay married, they can seemingly go on forever until someone gets caught.

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks, I now know I was too weak in the marriage and overstayed by about 10 years but found my strength eventually. Things are much clearer from the outside looking in. Nice to read that you gave up on your A at 2.5 years and didn't let it drag on. I'm guessing a lot of A's in the 2-3 year range are ended by the OM/OW.

 

What was the catalyst for finding your strength? How did you do it?

[cocorico]

Thank you all for your comments and responses. Sorry I did not think to collect and cite references on the stats. All stats are dependent on sampling sizes and without this knowledge the accuracy is unknown, but I have found some commonality in the stats that I have read and they seem logical to me. Stats don’t apply to all situations if there is a 90% probability that affair wont last more than 3 years then there is still 1 in 10 that will last beyond 3 years. I have found these stats to be very useful in my situation. It has helped me to understand the dynamics in play and what the likely outcome of my affair is. I have a very good bond with my AP, I feel a stronger connection than I have had with anyone else and it seems more special than any other relationship I have had. She shows me love on a daily basis. I therefore think it only right that I give it a fair amount of time to see if becomes more, but believing the stats and that chance of AP leaving M after 2 years is less than 1% helps to lift the fog for me and understand that it is very unlikely to become a real R and for my own sanity I will have soon have to pull the plug. But also to help me enjoy the time we have left together rather than be focused on the negative effects.

 

Our A ran for just over three years, IIRC. We've been together so long since, it's hard to remember exactly. As a social scientist, I'm very wary of what passes for "stats" concerning As, as these are not properly designed studies, but usually anecdotes based on some journalist collecting stories on something else entirely, or some "expert" who counsels reconciling couples after As using their client records, or someone who went down the pub and asked five of their mates and rounded the numbers up (or down). There are so many factors involved it's really hard to find sufficient cases similar enough to one's own to be both valid and generalisable. Far better, IMO, to pay attention to your own situation. If it's working for you, keep going. If it's not, leave.

[JacksBack]

What was the catalyst for finding your strength? How did you do it?

Interesting that you presumed there was a catalyst. There was. I had fantasized about a better life away from her for a few years then I suffered a major injury that I recovered from by myself. I did not ask for any help from the ex and she did not offer. I would drive myself to appointments and people would ask wheres your wife and I would lie and say waiting in the car. This was the catalyst that made me realize I HAD to get out.

[JacksBack]

Our A ran for just over three years, IIRC. We've been together so long since, it's hard to remember exactly. As a social scientist, I'm very wary of what passes for "stats" concerning As, as these are not properly designed studies, but usually anecdotes based on some journalist collecting stories on something else entirely, or some "expert" who counsels reconciling couples after As using their client records, or someone who went down the pub and asked five of their mates and rounded the numbers up (or down). There are so many factors involved it's really hard to find sufficient cases similar enough to one's own to be both valid and generalisable. Far better, IMO, to pay attention to your own situation. If it's working for you, keep going. If it's not, leave.

 

Your right that the individual studies each have low statistical reliability. For instance I believe the study that said only 3% of MM/MW leave M for AP was based upon a sample of only 35. However when there is commonality amongst all the stats then as a whole the statistical reliability is greater. We still don't have high statistical reliability but IMO it is sufficient to take notice of. I feel reasonably confident about the ...only 1% or less of MM/MM will leave M after 2 years and ...only 10% of A will last past 3 years... because these stats make sense to me based not just on my own situation but the research I've done and the various stories I hear.

[NewLeaf512]

Interesting that you presumed there was a catalyst. There was. I had fantasized about a better life away from her for a few years then I suffered a major injury that I recovered from by myself. I did not ask for any help from the ex and she did not offer. I would drive myself to appointments and people would ask wheres your wife and I would lie and say waiting in the car. This was the catalyst that made me realize I HAD to get out.

 

 

I understand this more than you know

[Noideanow]

"Dont ever believe a statistic you havn't yourself falsened" (sorry if bad english-translation), its a saying from where i come from and i Think in 90% of cases its true;)

[EverySunset]

Has your friend ever mentioned of the patients in an A how many D?

 

My most pressing question is: of those who initially decide to R, how many make it, and of the ones that don't what is usually time to progression? I've read 3 years.

 

Staying together is more interesting if there is tenure.

 

Oh. Yeah they all got divorced. A couple tried to hang in a few more months but none made it and they were all different ages, gender, sex orientations... You name it.

 

My therapist says people who he sees were frequently unhappy and an AP gave them motivation to leave. Not all stayed with their AP after, actually, but they all seem to have gotten D.

[JacksBack]

My update. It’s been almost 2 months since my last post. We finally had “the talk” today. I expressed my opinion that being the OM is very painful. She said I am committed to staying in my marriage so it is “up to me” and that she will understand whatever I choose (i.e. leave the A or accept that she is married and it can’t be more). So I told her I love you but it’s too painful being the OM and we should plan on an end date. She shed a few tears, we said goodbye but planned to meet tomorrow to talk some more. This is really hard, harder than I thought it was going to be. I am still madly in love with this woman. Is this really the end?

[whichwayisup]

My update. It’s been almost 2 months since my last post. We finally had “the talk” today. I expressed my opinion that being the OM is very painful. She said I am committed to staying in my marriage so it is “up to me” and that she will understand whatever I choose (i.e. leave the A or accept that she is married and it can’t be more). So I told her I love you but it’s too painful being the OM and we should plan on an end date. She shed a few tears, we said goodbye but planned to meet tomorrow to talk some more. This is really hard, harder than I thought it was going to be. I am still madly in love with this woman. Is this really the end?

 

At least she's honest with you, she's not leaving. And the A won't end unless YOU end it.

 

How can she 'commit' to her marriage while having an A with you?

 

Please, don't drag it out and have days of talks and goodbyes.

[JacksBack]

At least she's honest with you, she's not leaving. And the A won't end unless YOU end it.

 

How can she 'commit' to her marriage while having an A with you?

 

Please, don't drag it out and have days of talks and goodbyes.

 

I think what she says is commitment is actually guilt because this guy would be a mess if she left him. Thanks for the advise about not dragging it out.

[whichwayisup]

I think what she says is commitment is actually guilt because this guy would be a mess if she left him. Thanks for the advise about not dragging it out.

 

No, that's NOT an excuse not to leave! If she truly loved you enough to want to start over, she would. People who want to divorce, do so!

 

She likes her life with her husband, has become accustomed to their lifestyle, friends, family, in laws, finances, house etc, and she doesn't want to lose everything.

 

Just take care of you, be around good buddies and your family to help you through this.

 

You're welcome!

[JacksBack]

At least she's honest with you, she's not leaving. And the A won't end unless YOU end it.

 

How can she 'commit' to her marriage while having an A with you?

 

Please, don't drag it out and have days of talks and goodbyes.

 

No, that's NOT an excuse not to leave! If she truly loved you enough to want to start over, she would. People who want to divorce, do so!

 

She likes her life with her husband, has become accustomed to their lifestyle, friends, family, in laws, finances, house etc, and she doesn't want to lose everything.

 

Just take care of you, be around good buddies and your family to help you through this.

 

You're welcome!

 

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I put this woman on a pedestal and think I'm making excuses for her. While she doesn't want the A to end, ultimately our R is an easier sacrifice than her M. I'm a little miffed that she making it sound like I'm choosing to end the A rather than her choosing to stay in the M but at the end of the day I guess its irrelevant.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I put this woman on a pedestal and think I'm making excuses for her. While she doesn't want the A to end, ultimately our R is an easier sacrifice than her M. I'm a little miffed that she making it sound like I'm choosing to end the A rather than her choosing to stay in the M but at the end of the day I guess its irrelevant.

 

Knock her down off the pedestal! She is far from perfect. Make yourself a list of all the negative things about her, how she's made you feel bad, how she's hurt you, etc. I bet that you'll find the list much longer than you think!

[Grey Cloud]

At least she's honest with you, she's not leaving. And the A won't end unless YOU end it.

 

How can she 'commit' to her marriage while having an A with you?

 

Please, don't drag it out and have days of talks and goodbyes.

 

I'm inclined to agree with this in terms of not dragging it out and having days of talks and goodbyes. I did the dragging out thing and it was painful. The more you talk the more you realise the situation is never going to change. There is no closure or farewells that make it any easier. For me it was accepting that it was the end and it had to be NC. Doesn't make it any easier but all the talking and re-hashing made it worse. I wish you all the best!