breakup with ex-gf with BPD

[chack]

Hello all,

i've been involved with a beautiful woman for 3 years and 2 months ago, after a silly argument, I asked her to leave. To me, it was all a mistake, driven by emotions but obviously revealed some underlying problems that have been un-addressed in the relationship for some time. Long story short, there wasn't any infidelity on my end that drove us apart, she didn't like the way I was "controlling her" and I was very critical of her actions throughout the relationship. Her BPD has led her to have extremes , she had gotten somewhat better throughout months of counselling but I think some degree did play a role in us separating.

Well I do want to have another opportunity to work on things between us, however, the ball's now in her court. 2 months have passed, she admits to have gone out with guys as "friends" because she felt lonely, but tells all of them she didn't want any relationship up front. I'm not real sure if there are more than she reveals, as she's very flirty yet can be very manipulative and when I approach her on the subject, that's all I the info I gather.

Questions I have:

1) at what point do I need to be stern to force her to decide if she wants to work on things between us and make it exclusive?

 

2) how can I tell if she's stringing me along ?

 

3) how can I let her know that intimacy with other guys during this time, will be a dealbreaker for me to consider getting back together?

 

I know a lot of these will inflict anger and hurt again and could potentially close all doors as well , but it seems unfair for me to wait while she plays her game?

 

Thoughts please.

thank you in advance

[GemmaUK]

1) at what point do I need to be stern to force her to decide if she wants to work on things between us and make it exclusive?

 

You don't 'be stern' nor 'force' her to do anything.

Are you having therapy to help with your controlling behaviour?

If not I would recommend that as a first step to sorting your own issues out before you consider dating anyone.

[Quiet Storm]

If she does really have Borderline Personality Disorder, then nothing you say really matters. The problem is within her. This is what's called the "walking on eggshells" feeling. You are trying to figure out how to manage her, but BPD is not rational or logical. She will react to whatever emotions she's having at that moment, and those feelings will be more important to her than her relationship with you.

 

My sister has BPD and I've seen this happen in many of her relationships. Any attempt by the guy to manage her or set boundaries feels like control or "engulfment". So she will do something to sabotage the relationship and then blame the guy for abandoning her, when she was the one that constantly picked fights, lied and cheated. It's irrational and makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship.

 

1) at what point do I need to be stern to force her to decide if she wants to work on things between us and make it exclusive?

 

Being stern or assertive will just make her feel engulfed and she will rebel. Then when you realize it's impossible to be in a normal, healthy relationship with her, she'll blame you for abandoning her. Basically she'll want you to be accepting and understanding of her lies, craziness, other guys, etc. and welcome her back with open arms. Remember that she is driven by her emotions in that particular moment. She is a slave to her feelings, and they override any commitment, responsibility or promises made.

2) how can I tell if she's stringing me along ?

She is likely not consciously stringing you along to manipulate you, but it will definitely feel like you are being strung along. There will be no consistency or stability in a relationship with her because she is led by her feelings. She will hate you one day and love you the next. She is too emotionally immature and self centered to consider your feelings.

 

3) how can I let her know that intimacy with other guys during this time, will be a dealbreaker for me to consider getting back together?

You can tell her, but she's going to do whatever she feels like doing in that specific moment. If she's with another guy, her feelings at that time will override any commitment to you. Later when you ask her about it, she'll likely just lie because in that moment, she'll be afraid you'll abandon her. She responds emotionally to any given situation, not rationally or logically.

 

Borderlines cannot regulate their emotions normally, and their behavior reflects whatever feelings they are experiencing in that moment. This is who they are and it's very difficult to change this pattern of behavior. My sister has had counseling since a teen (she's 36 now), she's been inpatient multiple times at one of the best psych hospitals in the country, and she is still driven by her emotions.

 

I think she is not capable of having a healthy relationship, so you should take some time to yourself and move on.

[bathtub-row]

You don't get to decide what she does right now, or about whether anything she does is a deal breaker or not. And this thing about getting stern with her is just ridiculous. I think she's totally right that you're controlling and you really need to put the brakes on that, like yesterday.

 

Having said all that, though, I'm not sure why you want to be with someone who will always have behaviors that she can't control long-term and that you find difficult to deal with. She will not and cannot change. You cannot talk her into new behaviors, and you can't force her. The truth is, you clearly do not accept her as she is so I would suggest that you just get stern with yourself and stay away from her.

[sickofyou]

I just got out of a relationship with someone that I suspect as a BPDer. You not only need to walk away, you need to sprint as fast as you can. It's only going to end badly. Mine lied, cheated, you name it. Driven by emotion. Had no regard for the relationship, just what she wanted in the heat of the moment. I had to seek therapy to realize I wasn't the one that was the issue. Any person that woukd put me through the mental gymnastics and circus show enough to make me get on a website seeking direction (and it happened to me) is a big red flag that shouldn't be ignored. Plenty of sane women out there that will love you like you deserve without the nonsense. My advice is to stick to your guns and stay away from this one like she's cancer. But hey do what you want. Good luck man.

[chack]

You don't 'be stern' nor 'force' her to do anything.

Are you having therapy to help with your controlling behaviour?

If not I would recommend that as a first step to sorting your own issues out before you consider dating anyone.

 

actually I have sought counselling help for both getting through the breakup and understanding how I can improve myself along the way to avoid this downt he road. The same therapist that treated her for her BPD for many months. She's not currently seeing him as he signed off on her I think or allowed her to sit tight, I'm not sure . Either way, a lot of the relationship failure comes from the combination of her BPD , my lack of experience with women and relationship and my idealization of someone who I thought would fit me and I tried to mold her into my future wife (since I always thought similar people tend to stay together longer?). I didn't realize that til the latter part of the relationship that it was unhealthy but at the same time, she played ALONG and told me what she liked and tried to fit the mold but when she failed along the way, she blamed me for controlling her which I was doing.

 

Anyways, it's a very complicated relationship to say the least, but I think the faults lie in both of us and that we've made it to 3 years, more ups and positives than downs, that's why it's stupid to walk away especially when it was stupid that she left (i didn't really mean to breakup but she took it that way and ran with it) and more stupid to give up without a fight when the possibility ofa reward of a happy future is pretty high.

[chack]

If she does really have Borderline Personality Disorder, then nothing you say really matters. The problem is within her. This is what's called the "walking on eggshells" feeling. You are trying to figure out how to manage her, but BPD is not rational or logical. She will react to whatever emotions she's having at that moment, and those feelings will be more important to her than her relationship with you.

 

My sister has BPD and I've seen this happen in many of her relationships. Any attempt by the guy to manage her or set boundaries feels like control or "engulfment". So she will do something to sabotage the relationship and then blame the guy for abandoning her, when she was the one that constantly picked fights, lied and cheated. It's irrational and makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

Being stern or assertive will just make her feel engulfed and she will rebel. Then when you realize it's impossible to be in a normal, healthy relationship with her, she'll blame you for abandoning her. Basically she'll want you to be accepting and understanding of her lies, craziness, other guys, etc. and welcome her back with open arms. Remember that she is driven by her emotions in that particular moment. She is a slave to her feelings, and they override any commitment, responsibility or promises made.

 

She is likely not consciously stringing you along to manipulate you, but it will definitely feel like you are being strung along. There will be no consistency or stability in a relationship with her because she is led by her feelings. She will hate you one day and love you the next. She is too emotionally immature and self centered to consider your feelings.

 

 

You can tell her, but she's going to do whatever she feels like doing in that specific moment. If she's with another guy, her feelings at that time will override any commitment to you. Later when you ask her about it, she'll likely just lie because in that moment, she'll be afraid you'll abandon her. She responds emotionally to any given situation, not rationally or logically.

 

Borderlines cannot regulate their emotions normally, and their behavior reflects whatever feelings they are experiencing in that moment. This is who they are and it's very difficult to change this pattern of behavior. My sister has had counseling since a teen (she's 36 now), she's been inpatient multiple times at one of the best psych hospitals in the country, and she is still driven by her emotions.

 

I think she is not capable of having a healthy relationship, so you should take some time to yourself and move on.

 

BPD is tricky to deal with no doubt. She is a very loving person and emotions do play an integral part of her life. I think this year has been very different for the both of us as I consider it the power struggle phase. I was determined to settle down with her and even propose to her but my "ideal" person that I wanted to marry was to her "unrealistic to achieve" due to some of my OCD nature and perfectionist side. It's true I played a major role in driving us apart as well, as she did seek treatment for BPD and had made major strides in changing her behavior. She apologized whenever she realized what she did was wrong, which she didn't do initially. I guess I was getting antsy about settilng down and also made dumb mistakes like buying a home without her approval that hinted to her that she was being "strung along". She does have fear of abandonment but also we spoke on different love languages (the 5 love languages) even though my love for her was genuine and sincere. In the meantime, I certainly have focused a lot in learning about myself and ways to improve my well being to avoid this from happening. At the same time, I do want a second opportunity to try things out with her as I think throwing away 3 years in a loving relationship is ridiculous. Then again, there are dealbreakers and I will try to ask for transparency so we do not get hurt again down the road. That's all I'm asking

[chack]

I just got out of a relationship with someone that I suspect as a BPDer. You not only need to walk away, you need to sprint as fast as you can. It's only going to end badly. Mine lied, cheated, you name it. Driven by emotion. Had no regard for the relationship, just what she wanted in the heat of the moment. I had to seek therapy to realize I wasn't the one that was the issue. Any person that woukd put me through the mental gymnastics and circus show enough to make me get on a website seeking direction (and it happened to me) is a big red flag that shouldn't be ignored. Plenty of sane women out there that will love you like you deserve without the nonsense. My advice is to stick to your guns and stay away from this one like she's cancer. But hey do what you want. Good luck man.

 

Yes I've read plenty of horror stories as well about BPDers. I hate to think that they all act the same way and I have read some can do really well if they sought proper treatment. As far as her goes, one of the things I've learned is that when BPD love you, they love you beyond a normal being. At least that's how I felt, although I've also never been in a serious relationship either. But talking to another friend, they felt the same way. I agree, I do have to keep my guard up, I know and feel very confident about myself that there are plenty of other women out there as well. So I wish I can roll the clock forward or backwards at least LOL

[turnera]

more stupid to give up without a fight when the possibility ofa reward of a happy future is pretty high.

Dude, you have OBVIOUSLY not spent any time learning about BPD. The possibility of a reward of of happy future with a BPD is almost IMPOSSIBLE. Unless she is in long-term therapy (decades, not years, and certainly not months with a therapist who dumps her - and here's a secret: therapists don't dump patients unless the patients are refusing to look at themselves). And she's not.

 

The KEY issue here is that you admit you have no experience with women and relationships and to get involved with a BPD for your first major relationship is BRUTAL on your ability to navigate it correctly.

 

Do yourself AND her a favor. Learn to be ok alone. Learn to enjoy being alone and not needing someone beside you. Date a bunch of different women, just one here and one there, without getting serious with any of them. Enjoy the dating.

 

Once you are ok being alone and aren't desperate to have a partner, and this will take months, THEN look around for a potential partner. Because then you'll be able to look at potential partners and see their flaws and determine if getting together is a healthy thing to do or if you're just wanting it so you won't be alone.

 

That's how you get a successful relationship. Not what you're trying to do.

[turnera]

Also, do some reading about PEA chemicals. These are the chemicals our bodies create when we first meet someone, that 'high' we feel when we think we're in love, how we can't see anything wrong with our partner, how we can't wait to see them again, how it's a rush to be with them. It's how humans kept the species going back in caveman days - kept two people together long enough to create 2 or 3 babies.

 

But then the PEA chemicals stop being produced. Usually between 2 to 5 years, and then it's flat out gone. You know the 7-year itch? It's 2 to 5 years of euphoria, followed by a few years of 'why didn't I see these problems' followed by 'why the hell am I with this person?' And then you decide if you REALLY love each other, or were just infatuated.

 

So in YOUR situation, the PEA chemicals are gone and you're looking at each other and wondering why was I even with this person. Or at least, why didn't I see these problems.

 

Which means that if you two try to get back together, you don't have that 'high' going for you any more. If you try to get back together, she won't be having that 'rush' feeling, to be willing to be on her best behavior; nor will you.

 

So the odds of you two having a 'great' relationship will be doubly - or triply - hard.

[chack]

but Do you not agree that most likely all of these guys she's seeing are rebounds? I read that it takes 6 months to get over someone after a 3 year breakup, less for shorter term relationships. It's only been two months and yes you're right, there's probably chemicals that give us a high in a relationship. I also know that I'm not doing this because I am lonely. Hell I'm actually highly successful that there are plenty of women dying to get to know me if I let it be known. I was nice enough to open myself to her and vice versa and overlook many of the baggages she brought into the relationship and so has she. It's just that I cannot fathom giving up what we've achieved over 3 years and forcing each other to start over without giving it a serious consideration. I'm logical enough to weigh the pros and cons, she's emotional and driven by that. She admitted a long time ago before we even consider separating, that the worst thing is to start over after a breakup.

I guess I'll initiate a strict no contact policy from here on out and that'll determine my fate . I think it's best to save each other grief and pain by knowing sooner rather than later what we want.

[turnera]

but Do you not agree that most likely all of these guys she's seeing are rebounds? I read that it takes 6 months to get over someone after a 3 year breakup, less for shorter term relationships.

Like I said, NONE of that applies with a BPD. They are 99.5% all about THEIR feelings, THEIR fears, THEIR abandonment issues, THEIR self-soothing. If you're out of the picture, a BPD will find a replacement in DAYS if not HOURS. Because they absolutely cannot be alone and because people are TOOLS to use for self-soothing.