2 years on, how do I let this go?

[MrsConflicted]

New poster, occasional thread reader here.

 

I find your advice and comments insightful an d hoped you'd be able to shed some light on my own problem as you do others.

 

I will try to keep this short but can't promise.

 

Essentially my now husband cheated on me while me were still dating.

He's not a bad guy, he made a mistake and hasn't done anything since and has done what he feels is all he can to rectify his mistake.

 

We decided to try fix what we had and move past it, and we got married a few months ago.

 

Now I have been doing some soul searching to try better myself of late, and I have come to the realisation that i don't feel like this was dealt with barely at all at the time, and I know it still haunts me.

 

I would like to get over it and continue with our lives, but I feel things could be better if I could close this chapter completely.

 

He barely told me much about the actual event, what I do know i either dragged out of him or I have read in the messages between then that he allowed me to look through while trying to over come it.

 

He claims it was late at night and he doesn't really remember, even when it was a few days later that he told me what happened.

 

What i do know is he initiated most of the flirting, they had been talking, albeit pretty innocently as friends, before i even had met him, she knew very well about me and would moan that he spent so much time with me, they only ever met in person 2-3 times as friends, and usually in a group, before D Day, and that he initiated what happened that night, though I don't know what happened that night, only that there was some making out but no clothes were off and they didn't have sex.

 

Now i don't know why I am still so preoccupied by this event. I guess it may be because i feel that without all the facts of what happened and what exactly he told he that night, especially about his feelings towards me as opposed to towards her,that i don't have closure on what happened. Part of me is upset he didn't tell me everything and veery obviously withheld information that I so desperately wanted and still do.

 

I want to move past this as other than this we have a great relationship and marriage, but no matter how many times i ask he always insists he doesn't remember and that it doesn't matter anymore, and I can't seem to let it go.

 

Does anyone have any advice about how to approach this or move past it?

[fellini]

By saying things like "as friends, before i even had met him, she knew very well about me and would moan that he spent so much time with me" it's difficult to get any timeline on his, yours, and your subsequent marriage.

 

It could be anything from he was "dating" you and had this thing with her as a last ditched effort on her part to steer him from you, in which case, it might be interpreted that he chose you over her that night to he cheated on you when you were almost engaged, or did he do this when he just met you?

 

How much time between telling you about her and the date occurred? How much time between meeting him and getting married?

 

Do you think their relationship was any less emotionally developing than yours with him later? Im wondering if he had not crossed the line that night, done what he had done, would he have this stupid "what if" question about her running through his pants during your marriage and then on a bad day, decided to find out the answer. Some people can keep "unfinished business" at bay for decades..... "the one that got away". Maybe your marriage, other than your struggles over this incident, is better for him knowing why he did it ONE TIME and walked away from her for good. Maybe he needed to get it off his chest (so to speak), it allowed him to move on from her.

 

The whole thing about the details is unfortunate. There is nothing reliable about what you know. But I'm taking the position that they both had sex. Take the most likely position and think about it, and decide if it makes any difference had it gone further than he is willing to admit.

[MrsConflicted]

By saying things like "as friends, before i even had met him, she knew very well about me and would moan that he spent so much time with me" it's difficult to get any timeline on his, yours, and your subsequent marriage.

 

It could be anything from he was "dating" you and had this thing with her as a last ditched effort on her part to steer him from you, in which case, it might be interpreted that he chose you over her that night to he cheated on you when you were almost engaged, or did he do this when he just met you?

 

How much time between telling you about her and the date occurred? How much time between meeting him and getting married?

 

Do you think their relationship was any less emotionally developing than yours with him later? Im wondering if he had not crossed the line that night, done what he had done, would he have this stupid "what if" question about her running through his pants during your marriage and then on a bad day, decided to find out the answer. Some people can keep "unfinished business" at bay for decades..... "the one that got away". Maybe your marriage, other than your struggles over this incident, is better for him knowing why he did it ONE TIME and walked away from her for good. Maybe he needed to get it off his chest (so to speak), it allowed him to move on from her.

 

The whole thing about the details is unfortunate. There is nothing reliable about what you know. But I'm taking the position that they both had sex. Take the most likely position and think about it, and decide if it makes any difference had it gone further than he is willing to admit.

 

Hi thank you for responding.

sorry let me be clear on the time line. I had started seeing him in June 2013, we weren't official as he didn't want a commitment, but I had been very clear that we needed to be at least exclusive, to which he agreed. By august, we had met each others friends and families and were attending events as a couple even though it wasn't official.

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend in august, and had spent the night before we became official in the other womans bed.

 

I know he stayed the night, though i am inclined to believe it didn't go as far as sex. I know what he is like when its 3 am and he is full of alcohol, it doesn't make for him being very "alert", lets say.

 

she had met him earlier in the year than i did but they were just friends until basically when i came into the picture, and then she started flirting with him, probably cos she thought she might lose him to me so she had to ditch the slow play, and he flirted back because in his words, h liked the attention.

 

from what i understand of the night they had been out in a group with mutual friends, then he walked her home a block when she wanted to go home for the night as it was dark and for "safety reasons" and didnt leave until the morning.

 

Anyhow in june 2014 we became engaged and were married in august of this year.

 

I had never really thought of it as a last fling before committing to me sort of situation, that could be likely, however i feel a bit sad that he couldn't commit without doing that if that's the case.

 

does the extra info help?

[katielee]

What about MC for you guys? Or IC for both of you?

He really owes you the truth and that's probably holding back your recovery...

[fellini]

Yes it does help to see better.

 

That said, nothing can be determined from what you said, only my thoughts, based on experience, speculation essentially.

 

First of all, you are "inclined" to believe he did not sleep with her. My personal advice is don't do this. You want to believe it didn't go that far, and you will probably never know without driving yourself nuts. Let's say you ask the other woman: she says yes (he will deny it and tell you she is just being revengeful for him choosing you over him - and it may be true) She says no: you cannot trust her to tell you something she thinks is none of your business.

 

As a guy, if I walk home a woman with whom I had not established a relationship, but suddenly was inviting me to do so, and Im not "technically" in a monogamous relationship, even if "we agreed", (I might have done that just to make a woman feel better) and now I have an opportunity to step inside this girls apartment. Do I have sex or do I just fool around?

 

I think you need to believe that they had sex, even if they didn't because you were not there, you will not know for sure.

 

What is interesting is that the day after he decides to commit. I think this is very telling. Had he wanted to be with her, not you, he would have come back to you the next day and made gestures about "moving too quickly" or "not being ready" in order to explore his new thing better. But from what you have said: he did what he did, woke up the next morning and moved on.

 

I don't know about how you process things but here is how i would put this into perspective:

 

1. He had sex with this girl (whether or not it's true)

2. He got over whatever question he had about her that night.

3. His real decision to commit to you started the next morning when he walked away from her and left that relation behind to die a sudden death.

 

If you cannot live with any of those positions, then you should just leave.

If you can see that your relationship actually began, for him, after this evening, you can move forward. (Assuming that your marriage, other than this one event, is what you have looked for in a husband.)

[fellini]

I had never really thought of it as a last fling before committing to me sort of situation, that could be likely, however i feel a bit sad that he couldn't commit without doing that if that's the case.

 

I wasn't suggesting that it was "one last fling". He knew this girl before he met you and as you probably correctly suggested, your entering into the picture pushed up her agenda and she probably cast doubt into his mind. He was "emotionally" involved with two people, keeping to himself his real inner thoughts. Rather than a fling, I see it more as, he wanted to find out for himself something.

 

Or maybe he was drunk, tired (not sure where this thing about it being 3 am comes from) passed out in her house, and left the next morning.

 

Maybe he has told you the truth? So what does he really "owe" you in this situation? What is it you seek that he can give you that will make things easier for you that the past what - two years of being together has not?

[MrsConflicted]

What about MC for you guys? Or IC for both of you?

He really owes you the truth and that's probably holding back your recovery...

 

Well I will be starting councelling myself (i assume thats what IC means?) For other reasons but i will definitely be bringing it up and see whether they will advise me to try MC, though I do think it is a good idea. I ave mentioned it before and he seems to think mc is only for people who had been married for a while or who have heaps of problems or trauma, he hasnt said it but i think he thinks this isnt big enough to need it or because it was a while back it's not worth it?

 

I agree i feel he has withheld the truth and it has made recovery harder. I dont want nitty gritty details as muxh as i want to know how far they went and why things progressed and also why he felt it was worth risking me for her when he wasnt apparently interested in her besides the attention.

 

I did just tell him tha i would lile to discuss it all before the new year, and he said he doesnt understand why and that nothing new will be unravelled because it was so long ago and he doesnt remember (though he had always said that he didnt remember the night due to alcohol/ sleep deprivation on the night, so i guess he "hasn't remembered" since three days after when he told me what he did.)

[katielee]

Thought about asking for a polygraph?

[MrsConflicted]

Yes it does help to see better.

 

That said, nothing can be determined from what you said, only my thoughts, based on experience, speculation essentially.

 

First of all, you are "inclined" to believe he did not sleep with her. My personal advice is don't do this. You want to believe it didn't go that far, and you will probably never know without driving yourself nuts. Let's say you ask the other woman: she says yes (he will deny it and tell you she is just being revengeful for him choosing you over him - and it may be true) She says no: you cannot trust her to tell you something she thinks is none of your business.

 

As a guy, if I walk home a woman with whom I had not established a relationship, but suddenly was inviting me to do so, and Im not "technically" in a monogamous relationship, even if "we agreed", (I might have done that just to make a woman feel better) and now I have an opportunity to step inside this girls apartment. Do I have sex or do I just fool around?

 

I think you need to believe that they had sex, even if they didn't because you were not there, you will not know for sure.

 

What is interesting is that the day after he decides to commit. I think this is very telling. Had he wanted to be with her, not you, he would have come back to you the next day and made gestures about "moving too quickly" or "not being ready" in order to explore his new thing better. But from what you have said: he did what he did, woke up the next morning and moved on.

 

I don't know about how you process things but here is how i would put this into perspective:

 

1. He had sex with this girl (whether or not it's true)

2. He got over whatever question he had about her that night.

3. His real decision to commit to you started the next morning when he walked away from her and left that relation behind to die a sudden death.

 

If you cannot live with any of those positions, then you should just leave.

If you can see that your relationship actually began, for him, after this evening, you can move forward. (Assuming that your marriage, other than this one event, is what you have looked for in a husband.)

 

Thats very valid points. I never viewed it that way.

Would the fact that according to a mutual friend she didn't want a relationship, and I did, make any difference?

 

Maybe in their discussion that night she said she didnt want anything serious so he locked down the one that he knew wanted the commitment.

 

That could just be my low self esteem talking though.

[MrsConflicted]

I wasn't suggesting that it was "one last fling". He knew this girl before he met you and as you probably correctly suggested, your entering into the picture pushed up her agenda and she probably cast doubt into his mind. He was "emotionally" involved with two people, keeping to himself his real inner thoughts. Rather than a fling, I see it more as, he wanted to find out for himself something.

 

Or maybe he was drunk, tired (not sure where this thing about it being 3 am comes from) passed out in her house, and left the next morning.

 

Maybe he has told you the truth? So what does he really "owe" you in this situation? What is it you seek that he can give you that will make things easier for you that the past what - two years of being together has not?

 

Oh i see. Do you have an idea of what youd imagine he would be trying to find out?

 

Also the 3 am thing was when he walked her home and stayed there. I know that they made out, he admitted that much, and it was heavy enough her bed smelt like him apparently too.

 

I feel he has always hidden at least parts of what happened. He's not a good liar to be honest, he has obvious tells, he cant even keep good secrets and surprises.

 

I feel like i have certain questions i need answered, mainly about how involved the night was, how involved the flirting was before the night, why he messaged her the next morning before driving to mine to ask me to be official insinuating it would happen again, and whether I was actually the first choice or if i was settled for.

 

I feel i dont have closure on tit because he was was too ashamed of what he did and scared of losing me that he only trickle truthed and didnt tell me everything. Honesty and openness is too important to me and even though ever since we have had that, in that moment and anything regarding that night doesn't have that same openness and honesty.

[MrsConflicted]

Thought about asking for a polygraph?

 

I wouldn't know where to get one and also i want him to be honest because he wants to be not because he has to because he is strapped to a lie detector.

 

I also know it would hurt him if i insisted that far.

 

I dont know i hadnt really considered jt. I might ask him actually.

[fellini]

Have you told him you are anonymously posting your story on an infidelity forum?

[MrsConflicted]

Have you told him you are anonymously posting your story on an infidelity forum?

 

Not outright but we share a computer and he has seen the tab open today since i posted it.

 

Why do you ask?

[Guildford]

I believe that a person should forgive and move on from anything that occurred prior to the marriage ceremony if the person knew about the incident at the time of the ceremony. You don’t know all the facts that you would like to know, but no one ever does in these circumstances. Your husband confessed when you knew nothing;you should assume that he is telling the truth since you have no evidence to the contrary. You state that other than this incident he has been a great husband and you believe that he has been faithful. Put this behind you and lookforward to the future.

 

 

Shortly after my wife and I were married, I thought she had a ONS. I was working the graveyard shift and when I got home she had left for work and I found one piece of evidence indicating that intercourse had taken place (there was no wet spot though). When she got home I asked her, and she looked me in the eye and said that nothing had happened other than the friend propositioned her and she said no. I spent the next thirty years not knowing what happened, then we had a huge fight, she said she was filing for divorce, and I said fine but first I want to know what happened that night. She then said that after she said no to him he tried to rape her and she successfully fought him off after which he left. When our marriage was going well I was able to think: I don’t know what happened but what ever happened it was just one night so forget about it. When our marriage was not going well it bugged the s*** out of me. You have enough information to put this behind you, please do so.

[road]

 

Shortly after my wife and I were married, I thought she had a ONS. I was working the graveyard shift and when I got home she had left for work and I found one piece of evidence indicating that intercourse had taken place (there was no wet spot though). When she got home I asked her, and she looked me in the eye and said that nothing had happened other than the friend propositioned her and she said no. I spent the next thirty years not knowing what happened, then we had a huge fight, she said she was filing for divorce, and I said fine but first I want to know what happened that night. She then said that after she said no to him he tried to rape her and she successfully fought him off after which he left. When our marriage was going well I was able to think: I don’t know what happened but what ever happened it was just one night so forget about it. When our marriage was not going well it bugged the s*** out of me. You have enough information to put this behind you, please do so.

 

 

 

 

That night laid the ground work for your marriage to be a bad one. I think she did cheat with you for why did she not call the police and press rape charges?

 

 

Why did she allow you to keep him friends for that would mean she would have to face her attacker for the rest of her life?

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts she had many affairs through your marriage.

 

 

Why do you think your marriage had many rough spots?

 

 

Every time she pulled back from you was because your WW was giving what was yours to an OM.

[MrsConflicted]

I believe that a person should forgive and move on from anything that occurred prior to the marriage ceremony if the person knew about the incident at the time of the ceremony. You don’t know all the facts that you would like to know, but no one ever does in these circumstances. Your husband confessed when you knew nothing;you should assume that he is telling the truth since you have no evidence to the contrary. You state that other than this incident he has been a great husband and you believe that he has been faithful. Put this behind you and lookforward to the future.

 

 

Shortly after my wife and I were married, I thought she had a ONS. I was working the graveyard shift and when I got home she had left for work and I found one piece of evidence indicating that intercourse had taken place (there was no wet spot though). When she got home I asked her, and she looked me in the eye and said that nothing had happened other than the friend propositioned her and she said no. I spent the next thirty years not knowing what happened, then we had a huge fight, she said she was filing for divorce, and I said fine but first I want to know what happened that night. She then said that after she said no to him he tried to rape her and she successfully fought him off after which he left. When our marriage was going well I was able to think: I don’t know what happened but what ever happened it was just one night so forget about it. When our marriage was not going well it bugged the s*** out of me. You have enough information to put this behind you, please do so.

 

I don't fully agree. A relationship is a relationship If one strays, no matter whether married yet or not, it is still extremely painful and can take a while to get over, and if your married before your over it the pain ill carry over. It isn't really a fresh start to your relationship so much as a new chapter of it. There is still an infidelity chapter earlier in the book.

 

Also my husband didn't confess when I knew nothing. i had a gut feeling about it as he had been less talkative the night of the incident and I had known he was out with her and other friends already. I asked him flat out if something happened and at first he denied it but the next day admitted it. There also is some evidence, besides his obvious tells he is hiding things, that hint I don know the whole story.

 

I am trying to move on an forgive. That is the whole reason I have posted here. If it were as easy as flipping a switch and just deciding to move n I would have done it long ago to avoid all the pain and hurt I have felt.

 

He has been wonderful since, which is why I do truly want to move past it, however i feel if i knew more, enough to understand what happened and why, I could bury the hatchet easier.

 

I have forgiven him, i don't ever throw it in his face or bring it up during other arguments to try win or anything like that, I only bring t up to attempt to get closure and to resolve it/more on from it.

Edited December 26, 2015 by MrsConflicted

[fellini]

Not outright but we share a computer and he has seen the tab open today since i posted it.

 

Why do you ask?

 

Because on the one hand you recognise the possibility that he was too embarrassed and couldn't bring himself to reveal the "full truth" (something I personally believe to be a fuzzy idea) to which you responded that "Honesty and openness is too important to me" so Im asking if you are being honest and open about discussing your personal issues with an online community.

 

My WW had sex with during her A. I consider knowing that she had sex my right. I consider, at some point, what happened during sex to be private.

 

Not everyone thinks like this. But I don't want to know about the details. I don't want 100% truth. I focus more on what things mean, not the data.

Edited December 26, 2015 by fellini

[MrsConflicted]

Because on the one hand you recognise the possibility that he was too embarrassed and couldn't bring himself to reveal the "full truth" (something I personally believe to be a fuzzy idea) to which you responded that "Honesty and openness is too important to me" so Im asking if you are being honest and open about discussing your personal issues with an online community.

 

My WW had sex with during her A. I consider knowing that she had sex my right. I consider, at some point, what happened during sex to be private.

 

Not everyone thinks like this. But I don't want to know about the details.

 

Ah I see. Yes I am. He knows I have posted about it in the past and as I said the tab is right there open on the screen, its obvious its forum, and he is welcome to read it if he wanted to. Honestly I think he believes if I talk about it online I won't ned to talk about it with him and he can avoid it, so he would probably prefer it.

 

 

I agree, I don't need to know all the details of the encounter, but I feel i have the right to know if the did in fact have sex, even if it was just oral or digital.

 

I also feel he hasn't told me the truth about how far they went. It seems odd her whole bed would smell of him if he hadn't been rolling around all over it with her, with or without clothes.

 

The details I want to know are more about what was said between them, the flirting and him telling her his feelings, and then insinuating it would happen again another time when he was travelling to my house intent on making it official with me.

 

Wy he risked what we had and with her, etc.

[road]

Because on the one hand you recognise the possibility that he was too embarrassed and couldn't bring himself to reveal the "full truth" (something I personally believe to be a fuzzy idea) to which you responded that "Honesty and openness is too important to me" so Im asking if you are being honest and open about discussing your personal issues with an online community.

 

My WW had sex with during her A. I consider knowing that she had sex my right. I consider, at some point, what happened during sex to be private.

 

Not everyone thinks like this. But I don't want to know about the details. I don't want 100% truth. I focus more on what things mean, not the data.

 

 

 

 

Poor choice of words.

 

 

It is every BH's right to know the whole truth. There is no right to privacy between the OM and the WW. The WW has no right to keep affair secrets from their BH.

 

 

However it is the BH's right to control how much he wants to learn about the affair from his WW.

 

 

There is no right for the WW to withhold affair knowledge from her BH. Which is different from having the BH control how much of the truth that he wants to know.

[fellini]

There is absolutely nothing poor in my choice of words. EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE i wrote contained the word I in it.

 

I cannot imagine how you can respond to that by telling me I have choosen my language poorly. The opposite: I was very careful to be clear that each and every one of those statements is what I BELIEVE, or what I think, or what I feel.

 

 

Poor choice of words.

 

 

It is every BH's right to know the whole truth. There is no right to privacy between the OM and the WW. The WW has no right to keep affair secrets from their BH.

 

 

However it is the BH's right to control how much he wants to learn about the affair from his WW.

 

 

There is no right for the WW to withhold affair knowledge from her BH. Which is different from having the BH control how much of the truth that he wants to know.

Edited December 26, 2015 by fellini

[Mr Blunt]

By Mrsconflicted

Does anyone have any advice about how to approach this or move past it?

Yes I do. You said that he is a good liar so even if you got more out of him you would not be satisfied. My guess is that you are mainly concerned that you were his second choice or that he has feelings for her more than you. That is totally understandable.

 

Is there any indication that he has been interested in her for the last two years?

 

You said “He has been wonderful since”

I am a man and I would not be “Wonderful” to the my wife if I had feelings for another woman.

 

 

My advice to you is for you to trust his ACTIONS more than your hurt feelings and insecurities.

[fellini]

Actually she said he is NOT a good liar.

 

Yes I do. You said that he is a good liar so even if you got more out of him you would not be satisfied. My guess is that you are mainly concerned that you were his second choice or that he has feelings for her more than you. That is totally understandable.

 

Is there any indication that he has been interested in her for the last two years?

 

You said “He has been wonderful since”

I am a man and I would not be “Wonderful” to the my wife if I had feelings for another woman.

 

 

My advice to you is for you to trust his ACTIONS more than your hurt feelings and insecurities.

[NewLeaf512]

I have been a BW in the past so I do have a bit of experience with this. I didn't read this already so apologies in advance if I missed it: why did you marry this man? Did you know this had or might have happened before the wedding?

[whichwayisup]

So all this happened before you two became an official couple, the night before he had sex with that woman, then next day you were bf/gf? Then eventually got married? How has your marriage been overall?

 

I'd let it go, as long as she's NOT in his life anymore, it's time to focus on the now and each other. Even if it was 'one last fling', he certainly wants to put it to bed and forget about it. He's moved past it but you haven't. Has your whole marriage been painful because of his one last fling?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree whichway...

 

it happened before there was a commitment to even be a couple....she had every opportunity to get out of the relationship before she married him...

 

by continuing in the relationship...i think she conveyed the message...what he did... did not matter. Now she has decided she wants details and it does matter.

 

I think the whole thing is a bit confusing.