Why do I keep making it worse!!!

[TrainWreck2015]

I need to open this by saying I love my wife and I do not want a divorce. This is what she wants. But everything I do makes the situation worse. No matter what I say or do is twisted to make me the bad guy!

 

About 2 months ago, my wife told me that she was not in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce after a 25 year marriage. She dropped this bomb on me as my mother lays in a hospital bed dying! I believe that this was intentional and she really wanted to hurt me.

 

I know that I have not been the best husband and she swears that there is no one else. But I do not believe her because a couple of years ago I caught her having an online affair with a guy from oversees that she met on fetlife. Fetlife is a website for the BDSM community. BDSM was something that she never showed interest in with me but for some reason was into the Sub / Dom fantasy. To this date she swears that this was only emotional and had a physical relationship.

 

I am trying to give her space but it is so difficult. We are still living together in the same house and sleeping in the same bed together. She will not be physical with me and it is so hard to sleep together and not be able to touch her. Her actions make me very suspicious that she is having an affair. She is very secretive with her phone and IPad. She is acting very similar as before when she was having her online affair. But this time I believe that it is with someone at her work.

 

Yesterday was my worst Christmas of my 46 year old life.

[The Way I Am]

If you get the feeling she is, she probably is having an affair. Not like she's that invested in the marriage.

 

I helped a friend through a divorce a lot like yours though she was up front about seeing someone else. His wife turned everything he said and did into something wrong or out to get her. He tried for months to work it out before he wised up. Now he's happy she's gone and can do the things he likes without someone telling him his interests are stupid.

 

 

If she thinks you're the bad guy no matter what, stop trying to be the good guy. Stop trying to change her mind. Start proactively taking steps to give her the divorce she wants.

Edited December 26, 2015 by The Way I Am

[Phoenician]

Dear ,

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through ...

I is an urgence now to identify and monitor her very closely and use hi tech to detect her secrets...

 

But in order to help you really and not just throw the lady with stones , can you please elaborate more on few questions :

 

-Do you have kids, how old are they ?

-are you both HD ( High desire ppl) ? did she complain about not getting satisfied sexually ?

 

I am not saying that she has the right to cheat , nobody has the right to cheat , but some ppl when they are deprived sexually are more affected than other ...

[The Way I Am]

Tracking and monitoring seems like a lot of effort to put into someone who's already told you they don't want to be with you anymore.

[Marc878]

Do a quick check of your phone bill. Go online and look for a lot of calls/texts to a certain number. From there you just look it up.

 

Of course shes gonna say there is no one else.

 

This senario plays out all the time.

 

Check Facebook, your PC, her email account etc.

 

Something's wrong. This didn't just come out of the blue.

 

Good luck

[WomenWubber]

At least she has made her intentions clear. Also she's not exposing to STDs by engaging in sex with you, so yeah she deserve's credit for that.

 

If your wife wants a divorce, she is gonna get one whether you like it or not. Why prolong your suffering? Get an attorney and have her served asap.

[Marc878]

Do you/she ever back up her phone? The best info would be a deleted text recovery of her phone.

 

You can't fix anything if you don't know what/who you're dealing with.

 

Red flags if she's guarding her phone, etc

 

If you are interested in trying to save the marriage, if not then file unless you live in a fault state which means if you prove adultery there is no alimony

Edited December 26, 2015 by Marc878

[TrainWreck2015]

Hi there, Kids are all grown and off to college. Both of us are pretty average people would not consider us high desire people. Both of us are professional driven in our careers. Our sex life was pretty average as well.

Edited December 28, 2015 by TrainWreck2015

[Phoenician]

Hi Op ,

I hope you don't take things I will say negatively and take things from a helicopter view :

 

- You are married for 25 years , your wife requested a divorce now .

-she is a great mother and wife as you described her .

- you believe that she is intending to hurt you as she timed this issue with the illness of your mom .

 

-As it seems ,she waited 25 years to raise the kids and become free again .

-you believe you are both normal desires , none has cheated on the other ?

 

 

You want my opinion , and kindly do not take it negative , analyze it in a logical way .

 

regarding your assumption that she is intending to hurt you :

- it could be either you have hurt her so much during the 25 years , or she is hurt more than what you think.

 

I can't call it cheating even if she is involved in a relation , she told you blontly she wants a divorce , and you must be raising excuses that it is not the right time to speak about it ...

 

To tell you the truth I respect your wife a lot , she seems to have suffered a lot to raise the kids ;may be you didn't mean to hurt her , but she was hurt for years .

 

My advise , unless you both realize the value of being together , this marriage is over , I advise you to let her live a new live , don't deprive her from it now ...

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry. After 25 years this must be hitting you so hard.

 

Can I ask if YOU have ever cheated or abused her in any way? Sometimes women hold onto things for a long time, thinking they can get over it for the kids but a shattered love story can stick for a very long time.