Do you think uncertainties are really the driving force for love?

[devilish innocent]

I don't understand how you jump to the conclusion that love for the current significant others is "false love". It exists now. It's real.

 

You may as well say our whole existence is false. After all, if our ancestors could know how everything had turned out, they would have made different life choices and had different children. Hence, the people who exist in our current universe might not even be here.

[loverage21]

I don't understand how you jump to the conclusion that love for the current significant others is "false love". It exists now. It's real.

 

You may as well say our whole existence is false. After all, if our ancestors could know how everything had turned out, they would have made different life choices and had different children. Hence, the people who exist in our current universe might not even be here.

 

I call it false love because the love for your current SO wouldnt exist if you could of saw a bright future with your ex in advance. There wouldn't be a need to date other people, thus you would of never met your current SO.

[Giggle]

Knowing the future with my ex could have only helped me avoid the man in the first place. There is no maybe misunderstanding and we could have great. Nope. None of that. He's a pedophile.

 

Thing is.. If I'd known, I'd've been on a different path. Single at a different time. And I wouldn't have met the current love of my life. If we had met 18 years ago, I doubt we would even like each other. It took my life as it was and as it worked out for us to appreciate how truly awesome what we found in each other is. And that it is worth it to us both to go through the angst of distance.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I call it false love because the love for your current SO wouldnt exist if you could of saw a bright future with your ex in advance. There wouldn't be a need to date other people, thus you would of never met your current SO.

But that's not true. You keep starting these threads where you insist that your obsessive point of view is the truth, but the reality is that you are off base. Are you really listening to other people on here? I mean you don't HAVE to but since you keep posting here it seems that somehow you actually do want to hear from other people.

 

People change over time and what we want and don't want change as time goes on, also most of us go through times when we are not in the place to be in a relationship at all.

 

I think almost everybody on this thread has had more than one relationship and NOT ONE OF THEM has confirmed your proposition that if they only knew about how things would have turned out with their first love, they would have stayed with that person. Not one.

[loverage21]

But that's not true. You keep starting these threads where you insist that your obsessive point of view is the truth, but the reality is that you are off base. Are you really listening to other people on here? I mean you don't HAVE to but since you keep posting here it seems that somehow you actually do want to hear from other people.

 

People change over time and what we want and don't want change as time goes on, also most of us go through times when we are not in the place to be in a relationship at all.

 

I think almost everybody on this thread has had more than one relationship and NOT ONE OF THEM has confirmed your proposition that if they only knew about how things would have turned out with their first love, they would have stayed with that person. Not one.

 

I am listening to what others are saying. But I feel no one understands EXACTLY what I am implying.

 

But doesn't most desire to have one partner in their life and that it works out with that one partner?

 

For example, it is the sweetest most desirable outcome for two high school sweethearts to fall in love and get married and live the rest of their lives together.

 

For the reasons that it didn't work out, people can look back and say, "we were just kids." Therefore the breakup is automatically forgiven later in life as adults and we can blame the "undeveloped" brains and still look back with some positiveness.

 

Then people can say, "well...our brains were just not developed and while we experienced love together, the reason we broke up was stupid but that is because we were not mature enough."

 

 

Then people can start thinking that if it wasn't for being immature, maybe it would of worked out, creating the most pinnacle of love stories.

 

Just think...

 

If it wasn't for the uncertainties in life and being immature, it could of ended up great

 

But because of the fact life is full of unknowns and the fact teens are immature...that's the only reason it didn't work out.

 

But if that weren't the case...then there would of been the likelihood of sticking it out thus you never would of considered dating other people, ultimately never meeting your current SO.

[Buck Turgidson]

I am listening to what others are saying. But I feel no one understands EXACTLY what I am implying.

 

Everyone understands exactly what you are saying, you've been saying it so much. We all understand that you are focusing way too much on the Soulmate Story:

 

But doesn't most desire to have one partner in their life and that it works out with that one partner?

 

For example, it is the sweetest most desirable outcome for two high school sweethearts to fall in love and get married and live the rest of their lives together.

 

Which is a hugely oversimplified bull**** fairy tale having little or nothing to do with actual emotion and desire, to the exclusion of treating yourself and any potential partner you meet with respect as human beings.

 

The Soulmate Story DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is that you have a genuine relationship with another person. You CANNOT do that if you are obsessed with a bad rom-com plot line. You CANNOT fit yourself into a socially constructed story. No one ready for a relationship will ever put up with being expected to fit a specific role in one either. Whoever your partner is, they are not a character in a story. They are a person, who deserves to be respected for whatever qualities they actually have.

 

You are clearly not yet ready to do that. So put down the book, go do some other things for a while, hopefully something you're good at, improve yourself, and when you have built up some self-confidence, come back to the relationship question and give it another think. A realistic think.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I am listening to what others are saying. But I feel no one understands EXACTLY what I am implying.

I'm pretty sure I do ...

 

But doesn't most desire to have one partner in their life and that it works out with that one partner?

NO. Many people like to date and get to know different people before choosing their life mate.

 

For example, it is the sweetest most desirable outcome for two high school sweethearts to fall in love and get married and live the rest of their lives together.

NO. It is a romantic notion. Not many high school kids have any idea what they will be looking for in a partner when they are grown up.

 

For the reasons that it didn't work out, people can look back and say, "we were just kids." Therefore the breakup is automatically forgiven later in life as adults and we can blame the "undeveloped" brains and still look back with some positiveness.

 

Then people can say, "well...our brains were just not developed and while we experienced love together, the reason we broke up was stupid but that is because we were not mature enough."

 

 

Then people can start thinking that if it wasn't for being immature, maybe it would of worked out, creating the most pinnacle of love stories.

 

Just think...

 

If it wasn't for the uncertainties in life and being immature, it could of ended up great

 

But because of the fact life is full of unknowns and the fact teens are immature...that's the only reason it didn't work out.

 

But if that weren't the case...then there would of been the likelihood of sticking it out thus you never would of considered dating other people, ultimately never meeting your current SO.

 

OK I give up!! :( You've lost me (and most of the others I fear) with your claim that the big problem is "life is full of uncertainties." Of course it is. We are living day by day and experiencing and dealing with what comes our way as we go through our lives. We have to accept this.

[loverage21]

I'm pretty sure I do ...

 

NO. Many people like to date and get to know different people before choosing their life mate.

 

NO. It is a romantic notion. Not many high school kids have any idea what they will be looking for in a partner when they are grown up.

 

 

 

OK I give up!! :( You've lost me (and most of the others I fear) with your claim that the big problem is "life is full of uncertainties." Of course it is. We are living day by day and experiencing and dealing with what comes our way as we go through our lives. We have to accept this.

 

You said people like to date other people to know them. But again, if you were able to accurately foresee the future and see a positive future with your teen sweetheart, why go on to date other people? There is a possibility a girl would not date me in the first place if she knew in advance that the relationship she is in now will be just as good if not better than other relationships.

 

Why learn when you can see the future instead?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Why learn when you can see the future instead?

Because I like to learn and I love to experience life, that's why. If I had the chance to see the future I would hope to have the strength to resist looking at it, it would ruin everything. Why even bother having a life at all if you know exactly every little thing that is going to happen?

 

Anyway please get this through your head: WHEN PEOPLE BREAK UP IT'S FOR GOOD REASONS. It was NEVER going to end up great or else the break up would not have happened. Do yourself a favor and somehow get off of this notion of yours.

[thefooloftheyear]

You said people like to date other people to know them. But again, if you were able to accurately foresee the future and see a positive future with your teen sweetheart, why go on to date other people? There is a possibility a girl would not date me in the first place if she knew in advance that the relationship she is in now will be just as good if not better than other relationships.

 

Why learn when you can see the future instead?

 

If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle....too many if's...

 

You gotta listen to these people, man....

 

What they are saying is correct....And even if you believe in what you are saying to yourself trust me, who you are right now is not who you will wind up 10/20 years from now..

 

So what is the point of projecting and what if's...??

 

I have some advice....Find an older male relative and confide in them,...Pick someone who you admire and can look up to....Meet him for lunch or a couple of beers and tell him all this stuff that's in your head...Odds are he'll set you straight...He probably even walked in your shoes and you never knew it...

 

You can do this...But you need to take this girl with the gold plated pussy off the pedestal...It didn't work...And this girl isnt the only woman on your deserted island...I know right now it sucks...but ruminating like you are doing is not going to help you...You are a young guy with a lot of life to live and a lot to learn...Get out and tire yourself out at a gym or something else that suits you...Time is your savior..

 

TFY

Edited January 2, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[MissBee]

But the love your partner has for you is "false" if the potential of love can be better elsewhere and he doesn't know.

 

By your logic then ALL love is false love, as at any moment, by choosing one person we haven't chosen many others.

 

Even the obsession with the ex is also false love, as by wanting to go back to the ex, you're precluding other better opportunities that you've not explored either.

 

You need intensive professional treatment for this obsessive compulsion. Seriously. There is no end goal here besides driving yourself insane and becoming suicidal. No matter how many times you toss this idea out, it seems you have deeper anxiety, OCD issues that need to be resolved, as this question is just a symptom of that.

[Got it]

But what if you can have part of both? You may have not loved your teen boyfriend as much back then but how do you know you wouldn't have loved him now just as much as you love your current husband? You don't.

 

Except with one, you were able to experience adolescence together and with the other, you didn't.

 

I married him and was with him for almost 15 years. I know. We divorced in our early 30's. I am WELL aware of the extent of my love for him, how we developed into adults, how we were the same, how we changed, etc. I have the full gamut and can make some very clear comparisons because of it. There is little that would have changed, for the positive, from when we divorced to now, only a few years since then.

 

I was an idiot as an adolescence. I believed in romance novels, passive aggressive tactics, and codependency equating love. I was a moron. Thankfully we don't stay the way we were as adolescence. I had no true understanding of how mature love works, what it requires and what it entails. I understand love, and the work it needs every day, far better now than when I was a kid. I expected it to be handed to me on a silver platter and if it was "true love" would just be there, existing. It is such romantic drivel that I can't believe that is how I viewed things but I did.

 

Kids are idiots, nothing we viewed under the age of 25 should be taken seriously. Especially something as complicated, complex, and humbling as love.

Edited January 3, 2016 by Got it