Mother found out about me going to counseling :/

[GH3]

I was going through a period of time where I was trying to handle school, my parents (more specifically my mom) knowing about my boyfriend. I didn't want to go to my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) because I didn't want to add on to his stress. Mainly I was trying to figure out how to talk to my parents without arguing about how I run my personal life.

 

I went to counseling at my university to try to solve this problem and of course, I wanted it to be confidential and unknowing to my parents... ALWAYS. But either way, after I ended my sessions, my mom just found one of the old appointment slips when I came to visit and asked me about it. I got pretty defensive because I didn't want to talk about it with her. She got upset and told me that I never want to open up to her.

 

My thoughts: Of course I don't want to open up to you!! Why would I when you're the problem I was dealing with? You always feel the need to tell me what I should do and you don't listen!!

 

Even when I tried to tell her that I went to counseling so that I can figure out how to talk to her, she tells me to shut up and not talk over her. It's the reason why I can't wait until my year and a half of college is over so that I could move a few states away. I feel like I can never get enough privacy with her around. She's probably telling my stepfather about this as I write this and I especially don't care to discuss a private matter with him.

 

How can I handle this matter? It's very annoying and unnecessary from my point of view

[newmoon]

well, you are certainly within your rights to keep the counseling private. but you should also be keeping the topics of your counseling private and not telling your mom that you're going to counseling because of her, or to learn how to handle communication with her. that would upset anyone and will escalate the situation; no one wants to hear that they are being discussed in others' counseling sessions. could you apologize for the exchange you just had? and then, provide a very generic reason why you went to couseling w/out mentioning it? like you needed someone from the school who could understand specifically some school stress you were under and etc. and only someone at the school would understand. and offer reassurance that you are not suicidal or anything of that sort. as a mom, perhaps she has concerns in that direction and is just worried? it's hard, but try to see it from a mother's perspective... she wants to be close with you and help, i would assume

[SpiralOut]

If she brings it up again, tell her that you are doing what you need to do for yourself. Do not provide any explanation past that. If she keeps pushing at you, you will need to set a boundary and tell her that you're not willing to discuss it. If she still won't drop it, tell her that you will end the conversation (or leave the room) whenever she brings it up.

 

 

Don't explain to her why you won't tell her anything, or why you need help talking to her. Don't explain why you are going to counselling. Just say that you are at an age where certain things are private and you need someone to talk to.

 

 

I disagree with the other poster who suggested you apologize to her. I don't think you owe her an apology. If anything, she owes you one for reacting the way that she did. She shouldn't have even brought the subject up, IMO.

Edited December 27, 2015 by SpiralOut

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. That sucks. You have NOTHING to apologize for going to a counselor. You do not owe her an explanation either, but you should mention to the counselor what happened and see if she wants to bring your mother in under controlled circumstances and let you get some things out in the open when the time is right. You'll have to eventually stand up to her,of course. It's part of growing up. But you're reliant on her for education at the moment, so I'm sorry she attacked you for seeing a counselor which was the right thing to do.

 

It's normal to get very irritated with parents at this age, by the way, so don't start thinking there's something abnormal about it. It's the age children become adults and have to assert their independence. The more controlling the parent, the harder it is to do, and being reliant on them for money or education only makes it take longer to be in a position to do it. Meanwhile, talk to the counselor about what to say to her asap. I'd advise just telling her something like, "Mom, I promise it's nothing serious. I just have some private personal issues I like talking to the counselor about. You know, school is very stressful and life in general and I sometimes feel like a wishbone being pulled in two. This helps me blow off steam." Reassure her so you don't just make her more curious, but tell her it's personal and private and that you're a young lady now, able to handle most of your own problems but that she's been there for you in the past and if you need her, you know where she is. Soothe her ego a little. What can it hurt.

[turnera]

This is just part of the steps of growing up, of maturing, of becoming an adult - starting to keep YOUR thoughts and feelings to YOURSELF. You're an adult now. You don't have to tell your mother ANYTHING about what you do when you're not around her. And she should be psychologically healthy enough to KNOW that and not demand that you tell her (and then browbeat you for then telling her).

 

What you need right now is to start practicing acting and thinking like an adult, on her own, who makes her own decisions. My mom moved away when I graduated high school and I was immediately dropped into adulthood; I did fine. You will, too. The more you learn to interact with your mom as one adult to another, the sooner you'll start being happy and healthy. And DON'T stop going to counseling!

[GH3]

Thank you everyone, but unfortunately before I could read any of your responses, my mother put me between a wall and rock. So being cornered, she demanded that I tell her what I went for, my experience, and what I learned. I absolutely loathed every second of her interrogation, but I really saw no way of escaping it. What bothers me is that I have a year and a half left of college, which means a year and half more of her telling me "I need to know everything about you". She told me that if I kept keeping things from her that she'll just stop caring about what I do all to together (which I've heard often enough to know that she really means that she'll cut me off.

 

Just today, me and my little sister were joking around about how she never lets us watch Modern Family because she hates that show. My little sister has an ongoing joke where she says "you ruin my life". SHE GOT UNNECESSARILY ANGRY JUST FOR THAT. She told us "you need to be careful with your words" ITS SOMETHING THAT MY SISTER ALWAYS SAYS and she never got offended by it before. She was even on the phone with my dad (they're divorced btw). My sister and I were so confused and annoyed by her reaction. I personally hate how petty she is, yes she does a lot for us, but at the same time she uses that against me and my teenage sister.

[preraph]

Don't stop going to counseling. Just don't let her know. Don't keep the receipts. But go. And just keep your eye on graduating and grit your teeth, and if there's any way, take a little job, just very part-time and keep that private too. Don't use her address. Get a PO Box. You'll need an address for them to mail tax statements, etc, sometimes. Sock the money away in a bank account and don't give the bank her address but give the PO Box and your college address if you have one. That way as soon as you've graduated, you'll have a little nest egg to move out and find two jobs if that's what's needed to get out from under her roof. Do NOT go to work for anyone she knows or has anything to do with. Some parents who want to really control will try to get the job for them so they can control them. Get a little waitress job or anything until graduation and then keep it even then until you get the job you want.

[Tayla]

just based off this topic, I do not see improvement in going to counseling. What Are you learning about open communication??How have you turned a corner in accepting your side of this animosity?

 

In reflecting back in my counseling years, I was 100% convinced that it was everyone else and all these circumstances. Til one day my counselor confronted this ill attitude and said, okay so when would you like to learn your part and how to modify it? Wow! I finally had to face myself and regroup.

We have zero power in others, we either change some of our behaviors and outlook or remain in our old ways. The more the outlook changed the easier it was to listen and assert . I wish you well in this endeavor, some relationships are worth investing in.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you everyone, but unfortunately before I could read any of your responses, my mother put me between a wall and rock. So being cornered, she demanded that I tell her what I went for, my experience, and what I learned. I absolutely loathed every second of her interrogation, but I really saw no way of escaping it. What bothers me is that I have a year and a half left of college, which means a year and half more of her telling me "I need to know everything about you". She told me that if I kept keeping things from her that she'll just stop caring about what I do all to together (which I've heard often enough to know that she really means that she'll cut me off.

 

What you say and talk about in therapy is between YOU and your therapist, your mom had NO right to demand for you to tell her what was discussed!

 

I feel for you, your mom sounds dramatic, invasive and controlling. Try your best to detach and keep things simple and easy so you can have peace.

 

What about your dad? IF your mom cuts you off, is he able to help so you can finish school?

[GH3]

What you say and talk about in therapy is between YOU and your therapist, your mom had NO right to demand for you to tell her what was discussed!

 

I feel for you, your mom sounds dramatic, invasive and controlling. Try your best to detach and keep things simple and easy so you can have peace.

 

What about your dad? IF your mom cuts you off, is he able to help so you can finish school?

 

My father's job situation is a rocky one, he earns more but works less hours and he's constantly worrying about his work place going under new management. Really, the reason why my mom could afford to send me to school is because she moved in with my step father who is stable. And by the way, the reply that suggests I need to change my "ill attitude", I choose to tell my mother only what she needs to know, rather than nothing at all like used to. I keep some things private from her because of how she is as a person. A lot of times, when she doesn't get her way even with simple things, she goes on a rampage. I have to be selective with what I say.

[bathtub-row]

Your mother sounds like a nightmare. She's controlling you through college. You do know that you can get loans for school, right? Have you tried that?

 

Prepare for this type of treatment towards you to go on for all of your life. She will always offer to "help" you so that she can control you. Make sure that you never again put yourself at her mercy. You will need to keep her at arms length all your life. My son has a similar relationship with his dad and he doesn't put up with it. But he has also learned that talking to his dad about it doesn't get him anywhere because controlling people only want to hear what they want to hear. And until you say the things they want you to say, they will not leave you alone or acknowledge anything.

 

Don't waste your time trying to get her to see your point of view. In her mind, you're someone to control and, as you grow up, she sees herself losing more and more control. Your idea of moving far away is a great one. If you can't get out of her clutches now, you will soon. Just make sure you're far enough away so that it's not an easy drive for her.

 

As far as the anger you feel toward her, that's very normal when someone is continually manipulated and controlled. Most independent-minded people are going to resist that type of situation. The thing you have to learn is to not let her get to you and to stay out of her realm of control. If you just can't find another way to get through college right now, then I say just deal with it and say as little as possible to her about what you're thinking and just agree with her to shut her up. Never forget that she's a controller and always will be.

Edited December 30, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Tayla]

My father's job situation is a rocky one, he earns more but works less hours and he's constantly worrying about his work place going under new management. Really, the reason why my mom could afford to send me to school is because she moved in with my step father who is stable. And by the way, the reply that suggests I need to change my "ill attitude", I choose to tell my mother only what she needs to know, rather than nothing at all like used to. I keep some things private from her because of how she is as a person. A lot of times, when she doesn't get her way even with simple things, she goes on a rampage. I have to be selective with what I say.

 

Glad you are selective in what is conveyed. Filtering is a method to directly convey without offense.

Would you kindly review some questions asked so as to best understand how Your treatment (counseling) sessions have improved your abilities to openly communicate and arouse empathy and assertiveness?

If the terminology of "Ill Attitude" was taken personally, then consider it something to address with your counselor. They know you as opposed to us here.

Best to you (sincerely).

[BettyDraper]

My heart goes out to you. I also have a controlling mom and we are not close.

I left home with no education and or job experience because I had to get away from my mother's abusive and controlling behavior.

 

You are still allowing your mother to control you. When she was asking intrusive questions, the broken record technique would have been a better way to respond. Repeating "I am keeping this information to myself" may have helped your mother get the message.

 

Keep your counseling to yourself. See if you can find a job and go to school part time so that you can move out on your own. It will be hard but the freedom will be exhilarating. If you decide to move out, be prepared for your mother to increase her controlling behavior.

[GH3]

Ok let me describe my financial situation, I go to school a city away from my parents, jobs near the college are not easy to get, I've been trying for months. Most places won't rent to you unless you make at least 3 times the rent a month which means I would have to work 2-3 jobs plus school, which quite honestly, isn't realistic. Not to mention that I'm in a program where classes are offered during a semester only instead of year round. I have no savings because at one point my mom took $3000 out of my account. I'm pretty stuck until I graduate :\

 

I do work summers but that's not nearly enough. I have to take it for the remainder I guess but I honestly don't know how much more I can tolerate. I don't want to go to church, she gives me lip until I do, I say I like what I'm wearing she tells me to change or I can't go out. It's the reason why I don't even like contacting her that much when I'm away. I especially don't like talking about my love life which she insists she should know about. The only reason why I ever introduced her to my last partner ( whom I wasn't serious about) was because she kept egging and he agreed to meet her. I don't feel like I have to share what I do with my love life worth her unless I'm potentially marrying the person. Otherwise Its just awkward.

[turnera]

The only solution for now is to plan all your stuff to happen outside the house, so that she only sees you a few minutes a day. That's what my DD25 does to avoid her dad; studies at school, eats at school, hangs out at friends' houses...Just make yourself unavailable.

[bathtub-row]

What about getting loans for the remainder of college? You don't have that much time left. Wouldn't it be worth it? Or is that not a possibility?

[GH3]

The only solution for now is to plan all your stuff to happen outside the house, so that she only sees you a few minutes a day. That's what my DD25 does to avoid her dad; studies at school, eats at school, hangs out at friends' houses...Just make yourself unavailable.

 

Haha, thanks for the suggestion but she wouldn't even allow this because she wants to meet my friends. I want her nowhere near my friends, it's all I have to myself right now really.

[turnera]

Haha, thanks for the suggestion but she wouldn't even allow this because she wants to meet my friends. I want her nowhere near my friends, it's all I have to myself right now really.

So what? Does she bar the door if you head out for friends she hasn't met?

 

This is on YOU, GH3. It's time for YOU to start feeling like, and behaving like, the adult that you are. She isn't going to GIVE you your freedom. You have to start acting as though you deserve it. "Mom, going to the library. Be back by 10. Bye" And out the door.

[TunaCat]

Haha, thanks for the suggestion but she wouldn't even allow this because she wants to meet my friends. I want her nowhere near my friends, it's all I have to myself right now really.

 

If you're over 18, she doesn't have a right to meet your friends. You need to start acting like an adult. Who cares if she doesn't like it.

 

You need to stop allowing her to control you. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but you are no longer a child and she has no right to demand info about your counseling sessions or demand that she meet your friends.

[GH3]

yeah, some of guys are right. Legally she she doesn't have right to any information at all and yes, in hispanic families, girls are a bit more sheltered so it's easy for them to fall into the vicious cycle of who controls their life. If it comes down to me getting a loan I have to do a lot more planning which won't be for this semester as it's very near to the beginning. I suppose I could use whatever money I make this summer to get a head start, but I'm also planning on renting an apartment with my dad after I graduate, which means I have to save up to actually pay my half of the rent. It seems very counter productive when I think of it, to take a loan out, have to pay it off with Interest, have to pay my medical bill, and not have any money to pay for my own place. It's a bit complicated.

[bathtub-row]

If getting a loan isn't possible, then I say deal with your mom until you are free of her control. I agree, it's a little late in the game to start the financial process since, I'm assuming, you'll be graduating in Dec 2016? If you don't graduate until May 2017, then it would be worth it in my opinion.

 

If you're going to a college that's not near where your mom lives, doesn't that take some of the pressure off of you, at least while you're in college? She can't possibly expect to know your every move. Or maybe she does expect that?

 

Again, I would stop being defiant toward her and just agree with whatever she says, whenever possible. Going against her deep-rooted, controlling belief system is an exercise in futility. I think that's the best you can do until you have graduated. Then, limit your time and conversations with her.

 

But you need to make sure that you never do anything again that gives her control over you. Like, for instance, her co-signing on a car loan for you - or anything like that. She will use any reason to badger and control you. As long as you understand who she is and that she'll never change, it will go better for you.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. People like your mom are extremely annoying.

[whichwayisup]

Haha, thanks for the suggestion but she wouldn't even allow this because she wants to meet my friends. I want her nowhere near my friends, it's all I have to myself right now really.

 

I don't advocate lying, but in your situation, you need to. Bend the truth, omit the truth from her. Your mom is controlling and nosy! Who you are friends with and what you do is NONE of her business. The less you tell her the better off you will be.