I guess I'm the OW...

[kismet1]

I think the man I have been dating for 10 months is married. He has been acting strange lately, and now I know why. Facebook is both a blessing and a bitch.

 

When we first met he had said he has been divorced for 4 years. On Christmas, of all days, his "ex-wife" showed up on my suggested friends list. She has family pictures of the two of them and their children. Of them as a happy family at birthday parties, dinners, weddings, shopping, road trips and other outings. She calls him husband, for goodness sakes. Posted sweet messages on their anniversary and on his birthday.

 

I'm absolutely devastated and sick to my stomach.

 

What crushed my heart even more? Looked at the background of some of her pics and selfies. His car. His house. His kitchen. His closet. His bedroom...

 

Their car. Their house. Their bedroom

 

Confronted him. "It's not what you think. We only make it look like that for the kids. I will explain in person, please just trust me."

 

In person because this was over the phone. He is away for the holidays. Probably with his real, actual family.

 

Should I even hear what he has to say? How do I even trust any of it? Do divorced parents really do this to make things look okay for their children?

 

Or would it be best to just walk away?

[Babs22]

kismet1,

Hi, I am sorry to hear you had such a revelation and on Christmas of all days. It is one thing to go into a relationship with a married man knowingly, quite another to think he was divorced all along. Her Facebook page does sound rather incriminating. Were there any other indications that he might still be married prior to finding this on FB? You seem to recognize the house, how often did he take you there? If it was often, I don't know how he would have done that if he was married. Was he selective with the time he could spend with you? Could he come see you when you wanted to or was it always on his time table? MM usually have a limited amount of time they are available and he wouldn't be able to talk on the phone whenever either. Her sweet comments on their anniversary sound like the most incriminating evidence. An ex-wife wouldn't leave messages like that on facebook for their children's benefit. How old are these kids? Had you ever met them? If you had not met them, that is another indication he is still married.

 

I suppose speaking to him in person depends on you. Do you want to hear what he could possibly have to say to explain all this? Or would it be easier for you to just walk away? I always wonder how facebook makes these suggestions. Are you FB friends with your man? I do wonder since she came up in your suggested friends list, if you came up in hers? Not that you have anything to hide, but if they are still married and she figures out you are an OW, she could try to cause problems. I hope you have your page locked down from non-friends. She obviously does not.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but glad you discovered it sooner rather than later.

[goodyblue]

Ten months is a crazy long time to hide his family. I guess if he travels for work or something it must happen occasionally though. You hear about those people who find out their husband/father had a second family etc.

 

Some Q's babs asked are very relevant. Did you go to his home? Did you meet his children? Family? Friends? Or was your relationship isolated? The time matters also. Were there weekends? Overnights? Was it certain days of the week etc?

 

I hope that he is being honest but it doesn't feel that way. If you find out he has lied, please run. That is a long time to lie about his life.

 

Hang in there and let us know.

[Popsicle]

I'll tell you what I tell everyone who is single: Do NOT engage in online or long-distance romances. Period. If you were in person and local, you would have found this out within a few weeks. Or, more likely, he wouldn't have even attempted to create such a farce in person.

[Darren Steez]

"It's not what you think. We only make it look like that for the kids.

 

Go ahead and shoot a message to his wife. Easiest way to find out the truth no?

[CarrieT]

Go ahead and shoot a message to his wife. Easiest way to find out the truth no?

 

This is what I was going to say....

 

Don't listen to his side of the story, listen to hers.

[whichwayisup]

End it. No point in trying to salvage anything, he's married and living life with his wife and that won't change even if you explains to you 'his truth' of what's going on. Bottom line is, you deserve a single guy who won't lie and hide stuff from you. Walk away and grieve the loss, don't look back! Love yourself MORE than wanting him.

[still_an_Angel]

How old are the kids? Sure it's always good to be friendly with the ex but messages on anniversaries and his birthday is way too much for "appearance" purposes. Sorry but it doesn't look like they're divorced.

[The Way I Am]

I've never heard of anyone still pretending to be a couple on Facebook for the kids. And to do it to the extent that she's taking selfies around his house just for a charade. That seems bizarre and highly unlikely.

 

The only way I could see this type of fakery as even plausible is if he's foreign and from a culture where their families would disown them if they divorced. But I know someone like that who is separated from his wife but will never tell their families they're separated and will never divorce, and even they don't go to this extent.

 

I think he's a liar. But if you feel the need to hear him out to be sure, instead do a test. Ask him if it's ok to contact his "ex" wife. If he says no, whatever his excuse, he obviously has something to hide. You'll know to get out without the potential drama of dealing with his wife. If he says yes, contact her.

[The Way I Am]

I'm trying to think of how the kids could possibly benefit, but I'm coming up empty.

 

I hate to say it because I think you're better off not hearing him out, but I am curious what kind of a BS excuse he'll try to sell you.

[JamesM]

Based on this thread and your other thread, I would say that you thinking is correct: You probably are the OW.

 

The question is now what?

 

I would say that as difficult and heart wrenching as is will be, you follow WWIU's advice.

[The Way I Am]

I got it. Maybe they have to be married for their kids' insurance benefits and the way their insurance company verifies marriage status is via facebook selfie backgrounds and status posts on birthdays and anniversaries.

 

He wants to tell you in person 1. so he has more time to come up with the excuse & 2. he can more easily manipulate you into believing him face to face.

 

After reading your thread that JamesM pointed out and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/557318-i-think-he-keeping-me-secret (which to clarify for others is the same user under a different name -- that user answers questions on kismet1's other thread), this guy is very obviously married.

 

I notice in the other thread when someone asked if you were sure he was already divorced, you said he definitely was. What made you sure that he was?

Edited December 28, 2015 by The Way I Am

[StBreton]

What a painful experience OP ...truly sorry. Discovering that by yourself must have been painful and devastating. Hugs. In saying that ...I'm solidly in the "send a FB message to the wife and ask her" camp. If you find the wife assumes your guy and she are still together ...please please move on ...kids ...think kids. Be the mature grown evolved woman. Find a man that is just for you.

[The Way I Am]

Previously, you thought he was single and you were being supportive of a single dad. Your interpretation of his behavior was framed by that assumption.

 

I think you should reread some of the things you had issues with now that you've made this discovery. I think you'll see the answer is obvious.

 

I only see him once a week, twice if I am lucky. I would really like to see him more

 

I am actually starting to feel more like he is also hiding me from his ex-wife and her family.

Yesterday I discovered what that really meant when I saw photos he was tagged in from his his niece's birthday. At the time, I had thought he meant his sister's daughter, really it was his ex-wife's sister's daughter. Same when he said he was going to his uncle's wedding, he meant his ex-wife's uncle; when he went to a baseball game with his brother, he meant his ex-wife's brother; etc. etc. etc.

I don't feel integrated into his life and I feel like he is not letting me in. Feels like he is living a double life in which one of them no one knows I exist.

it feels like I am being kept a secret.

he keeps me so detached and at an arm's length from his "other" life.

 

We haven't talked about Thanksgiving, <cut> Since he spends most holidays with his ex's family I'm assuming he will be spending it with them.

 

Did spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with his "ex" and her family? In another post, you mention he texted you on Thanksgiving, so I'm guessing that he did since he didn't spend it with you.

 

Yes I've met his siblings (including his brother <cut>) and his business partner/best friend. That's about as small as his circle gets outside of his ex-wife's side of the family,

 

The only people you met are his siblings and business partner. Initially, that seemed like a decent indication that he was actually single. But with this new info, keep in mind that they might know that he cheats on his wife and not care. Those might be the only people he told you about in his circle because he knows they're the only ones who won't tell his wife.

 

He couldn't really give me a reason why he has been basically keeping two worlds apart, just that this is what he is capable of right now.

 

It's just feels like there's something fundamentally wrong with them treating him like they are still married, and his ex-wife still referring to herself as his wife and him as her husband.

The thing is he never had time for me. I saw him maybe once a week, for about half an hour to an hour or so each time. This was always him coming over before or after work, or maybe a breakfast, lunch or coffee date.

 

7 months later and things haven't changed. He kept saying he would make time and it never happened. He would always say we wold go out that Saturday or he was planning an outing or whatever, and nothing. There were even a few times when he stood me up... like something ALWAYS came up and he would apologize and everything would be okay again.

He said he wanted more time with me, always said he missed me and couldn't wait to see me, but he never made it happen.

Edited December 28, 2015 by The Way I Am

[ladydesigner]

(((kismet1))) you have become the OW unknowingly. I agree, a simple email or call to the wife will probably answer your question. If what you have found out through FB is enough for you to walk away then I would. These situations usually do not lead to anything good for anyone in the triangle.

[yodelwithyu]

(((kismet))) This is so awful. I also turned out to be an unwitting OW. Kind of knocks the wind out of you and makes you question everything. I am so sorry you are going through this.