Crazyninja Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Long story short 6 month affair with a married woman told marriage was dead she wants me and has had no relationship what so ever with husband she's just waiting to leave seen then out shopping and witnessed the most passionate kiss I've seen in forever.... So im done I know I'm a fool and what did I expect but you kind of believe it. I've written a letter to her husband basically stating everything for the last 6 months including me trying to get them to councillor and such. And all the times we have met and everything I between. And since she's lied and played both of us I think it's only fair that he knows. What's everyone's advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazyninja Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 Forgot to mention I haven't sent it yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 No, definitely not. Just move on with your life. PS - I assure you, she is not as happy as you think she is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 And if you feel trigger-happy and can't wait for replies, there are many many threads on this very topic in both this section and the infidelity section. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 And since she's lied and played both of us I think it's only fair that he knows. Don't bother. I PROMISE you he will stay with her anyway. He will stay and they will "reconcile". Which will consist of him being miserable for the rest of his life constantly triggering (which was something he never asked for of course, but partly of his own doing by making the decision to stay) and her being miserable because her husband is permanently scarred and will never think the same of her. And both wondering how to get back to a beautiful and pure loving place and if they'll ever feel it again in their life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Be honest, is there a part of you that hopes/wishes that if you do tell her husband, they will divorce and she will come to you? If so, that's NOT a wise reason to tell him if you benefit from it. DO it because it's the right thing to do. Own your part in it, you knew going in that she was married - So now you find out her marriage isn't half as bad as she said it was, you witnessed a passionate kiss between them, now you want to tell. You're not an innocent victim in this, you had an A with a MW. Why did you get involved with her in the first place, knowing she had a husband at home? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I am a BS and I am a firm believer in letting the other spouse know- and you should be prepared to step out of their lives forever if they decide to reconcile- Guessing if they are happy or unhappy and what their marriage looks like after the exposure really should not play in to it- you have no idea what is going on, how they feel and if they feel it is worth it to them to stay together-I feel like that impedes your healing- Good luck and I am sorry you are hurting- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Nope. You walk away. Their marriage is none of your business. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Walk away. You will regret sending it...believe me. I know you hurt. Speak your mind to her and walk away. Her knowing you can't be played anymore will give you dignity and you can hold your head high. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazyninja Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 Well I went into it knowing it was over and nothing could be done, I even got them to councillor who advised her he was horrible only way to fix is to divorce!! That was there first session! And I guess just like everyone else I was on false promises and bull**** but it doesn't stop you when you connect with someone and they tell you all this... When you hear it's over I'm waiting to exit enough you believe it.... I'm not after revenge ... If it was me I think would I want to spend the next how ever long with someone unhappy like that only to find out even further down the line who she is! When someone could give me an opportunity to leave and find someone who deserves them. I now have no want for her so hoping to break a marriage so she comes to me isn't an option. Just think since we have both been played by someone the other party should know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JacksBack Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 I am also the OM in an A and I would never tell H so I say do not tell her H, just move on. Infidelity exists in the majority of marriages and most live in the blissful assumption of not theirs. Maybe your AP had a one time A that made her realize how good her M was, maybe shes a serial AP and it will naturally unravel. Not your problem. Besides H will blame you and want to kiss your ass/arse (depending on which side of the pond you are). Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) This is a tricky one, but ask yourself this: would you tell her H because things didn't work out favorably for you or is it because you had an epiphany, developed a conscience and feel bad for her H? I am certain that it is the former and if so, you would be no less selfish than her. Walk away and let let her focus on her M. If she is unhappy, it is up to her to fix things. Edited December 27, 2015 by Lovetoohard Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Well I went into it knowing it was over and nothing could be done, I even got them to councillor who advised her he was horrible only way to fix is to divorce!! That was there first session! How do you know this? Were you sitting in on their counseling session? Did she tell you this? If so, ummm, that's probably a lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 How do you know this? Were you sitting in on their counseling session? Did she tell you this? If so, ummm, My ex and I went to a therapy session and after his diatribe she told me I should seperate from him immediately. So really, who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Akashsingh Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Since I am not connected to this, I can tell you, this is none of your business... let it go! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Send the letter. He deserves to know who he's married to. Your motives don't matter ...But he needs to get out of infidelity. She'll only go and find another lover.. exposing him to all sorts of disease. Would you not want to know if it was your wife? TELL HIM. Let him find a faithful wife or he can choose to reconcile.... right now he is living a lie. You can put a stop to it. If she told you she was happily married. You wouldn't have been with her... but she lied and that lie should be exposed. Most responses you will get here are from OW/OM/EX OW/EXOM, who are also in self protection mode and don't want to get involved more than they are. Try asking BW/BHs if they would want the truth... you'd have to post in general though. BTW.. saying their marriage is not your business is bull.... you're part of it by being an AP. Send him evidence..otherwise she will deny it... that's what cheaters do..they lie....she lied to you about the state of her marriage and gave you false hope and she needs to be exposed. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Well I went into it knowing it was over and nothing could be done, I even got them to councillor who advised her he was horrible only way to fix is to divorce!! That was there first session! And I guess just like everyone else I was on false promises and bull**** but it doesn't stop you when you connect with someone and they tell you all this... When you hear it's over I'm waiting to exit enough you believe it.... I'm not after revenge ... If it was me I think would I want to spend the next how ever long with someone unhappy like that only to find out even further down the line who she is! When someone could give me an opportunity to leave and find someone who deserves them. I now have no want for her so hoping to break a marriage so she comes to me isn't an option. Just think since we have both been played by someone the other party should know. Do you still believe what she told you the counsellor said? I think she lied about that. I agree.. you've both been played and he deserves the truth. If he chooses to stay.. that's for him to decide. You know that she's a big liar.. let her face consequences for her actions..and let him make a decision with all the facts. I would want to know if my husband was having an affair. I do a bit of work with married couples and infidelity crops up in many cases ... feel free to PM me if you want further information about how to go about informing him. I'll be happy to help ...so that the way you inform him doesn't come over as vengeful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 The main reason for telling the other BS is to put another set of eyes on the A and thus assist in its demise. Your A is already over. So that purpose for telling BH does not exist. All of a sudden you feel you owe this information to BH? Why then didn't you tell him during the A? He was being played then, too. The only thing that has changed is your current relationship with OW. And that is most likely the reason for your current attack of morality and honesty. Ask yourself would you be so anxious too tell BH if the A was still going on. No matter how you rationalize it the motive here is revenge. And that's no reason to tell a BH. That's her job not yours. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Tell that poor man. It is the right thing to do. Be honest for a change. Wouldn't you want to know if you were being cuckholded? She knew the risks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Please tell her husband. I only know of one betrayed spouse that "DIDN'T want to know" and she was a cheater first in her marriage. Thousands of others over time that I've seen and read would desperately want to know, including myself. The whole "its not your business" doesn't apply when she invites you to become a part of her intimate life. She was well aware of the risks, but her husband probably doesn't know just how evil the risks she is taking with his health are. Frankly, she's such a liar about the state of things (lots can be done to exit a marriage within six months) that you are probably not the first or last that she would do this with. There are many good reasons to expose what happened, and only really lame, selfish ones to hide what happened. Most spouses would want to know instead of continually being played a fool. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 I was having a casual affair with a man who I found out was engaged, I immediately ended it and sent a note to his fiancé. Neither of them thanked me for it. I felt like I did the right thing and I've had no contact with either of them since. I believe they're married now with a child, at least I warned her before she took the risk of choosing to be with him. I'd want to know if my fiancé had been sleeping around on me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 I must agree with DOT, this talk of it's not your business is nonsense IMO. Once you get into an A with a married person.. you've become part of it. 3 people in the marriage.. I'm sorry but that view is very typical cheater and OM /OW speak.. it's not what the vast majority of BSs would want. Please tell the BH. The primary reason for telling a BS isn't to be on the lookout.. it's so that they are aware they are being deceived and can make an informed choice about staying in the relationship or moving on. Cheating has consequences and the simple fact here is that people don't like consequences when they do wrong. ...they just want to get away with it and use the line of why blow up their marriage... The cheating spouse blew up the marriage.. plain and simple. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 If you fess up, be prepared for the.plethora of outcomes that are possible. The b.s. often takes out their feelings on the affair partner. Blames the affair partner. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 If you fess up, be prepared for the.plethora of outcomes that are possible. The b.s. often takes out their feelings on the affair partner. Blames the affair partner. Good luck. That's taking responsibility for your actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Originally Posted by goodyblue If you fess up, be prepared for the.plethora of outcomes that are possible. The b.s. often takes out their feelings on the affair partner. Blames the affair partner. Of course your AP will deny, say you are crazy, minimize, etc. You know she will. They all do. It's in the handbook. I think we all know she will not be honest with her BS. Have proof to give. Be prepared to know, no matter what outcome, you did the right thing. Honesty. You will have helped her BS know what a deceiver he is married to. And that is a good thing. Wouldn't you want to know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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