do I tell MW husband about our affair now that it's over...

[JamesM]

I am not sure if you said how long they have been married, but as a long time married man and after having been through what I have been through, then my answer is different than it would have been.

 

Tell Him.

 

If he is under the idea that they are getting back together and meanwhile she had an affair, then I would say he needs to know. If she is the one that said the counselor said he is horrible, then take that with a grain of salt.

 

Tell him and move on. Under no circumstances get involved with her or I promise that one day you will be hearing from a guy such as yourself who will tell you that your wife is cheating on you.

[anika99]

Originally Posted by goodyblue

If you fess up, be prepared for the.plethora of outcomes that are possible. The b.s. often takes out their feelings on the affair partner. Blames the affair partner.

 

 

 

Of course your AP will deny, say you are crazy, minimize, etc. You know she will. They all do. It's in the handbook. I think we all know she will not be honest with her BS. Have proof to give.

 

 

Be prepared to know, no matter what outcome, you did the right thing. Honesty. You will have helped her BS know what a deceiver he is married to. And that is a good thing. Wouldn't you want to know?

 

Exactly this. The BS likely isn't going to thank you for telling him his wife is a cheater after you have spent months helping her cheat. He is probably going to hate you and he might even tell you that you are crazy and not believe you. He and his wife may unite against you as she expertly gets him to doubt the truth and you will walk feeling like telling the truth just caused a bunch of drama and nothing good came of it. Actually, even if the BH initially rejects the truth out of shock and fear of losing his wife, you have planted a seed. A seed oh truth that the BH can grow to bigger truth later on should he chose to. Even if his immediate reaction is to deny the truth, he will be thinking about it, watching his wife's behaviour, and putting the pieces together.

[ladydesigner]

OP if you feel strongly about this you can expose the A anonymously as well. The BS not always believes it, but at least plants the seed without you losing some kind of anonymity. Then there is always the BS who is great at investigating and will find out anyways.

[goodyblue]

That's taking responsibility for your actions.

 

Not denying that. What bothers me is that the same consequences are rarely also put upon the ws. I know I know, people deny this, but it is easier to blame a stranger than your lover.

 

And it can become bad. Like physical violence on the om/ow, their family or property.

 

So yeah, if you are ok with that, tell.

[ladydesigner]

Not denying that. What bothers me is that the same consequences are rarely also put upon the ws. I know I know, people deny this, but it is easier to blame a stranger than your lover.

 

And it can become bad. Like physical violence on the om/ow, their family or property.

 

So yeah, if you are ok with that, tell.

 

This is true, and it does happen. What people need to realize is that when you have an A you really are playing with fire because you do not know how anyone will react in a particular situation. This goes for both the WS and the AP.

[Crazyninja]

It's 11 years they have been married.

 

I've only ever heard one side of the story and I had no reason not to believe what I was told, if she is lying she's a damn fine one!

 

Her husband I would imagine would not want to go to war due to his profession and how they life(upper class).

 

If I end up in drama or being ganged up on the. So be it I was played for an idiot, if I wasn't and I knew I was stealing her away from a good marriage well that would never have happened since it would have been good.

 

All the way through she's had her cake and eaten it while me and H have had huge amounts of drama and emotional turmoil.

 

I have enough evidence such as chat conversations pictures she's sent me, pictures of her semi nude. Whatsapp conversations and of course all the times

He was away and she was with me or I was at her place and that I can give good detail so that he has no doubt.

I mean after all if some one came to me and said on dec 5 when you went away to Madrid with work colleague x y and z and she sent you these messages, and here's a picture of her naked time stamped. I would have no choice but to believe the whole thing..

 

 

But.... My question is how do I go about it? Anyone have an idea as I've wrote the letter a million times now

 

I've added and deleted stuff like she started the pill so we could have unprotected sex, where she was when he called at specific times and was a little bit suspicious... What she said to me and everything in between

 

What I don't want to do is rub it in his face, make it seem vengeful in anyway or cause any more suffering than I need to.... After all I was duped just like him and I'm feeling crap as I've wasted time and been played....

Hell I'll add my email and number if he wanted to call me.

[sandylee1]

Not denying that. What bothers me is that the same consequences are rarely also put upon the ws. I know I know, people deny this, but it is easier to blame a stranger than your lover.

 

And it can become bad. Like physical violence on the om/ow, their family or property.

 

So yeah, if you are ok with that, tell.

 

The AP doesn't see what the WS goes through though.

They don't see how they get shouted at

How they get insulted.. called a tart /slapper /Whore

They don't see how the WS gets shunned by the inlaws /friends

They don't see how the kids refuse to listen to the wayward parent anymore

 

 

It's no bed of roses for the WS ... and the BS knows that if his wife didn't open her legs .... There would be no A.

The blame isn't on one person .

 

He did wrong by having the A.... it's time for the BS to be enlightened.

 

The BS would be foolish to be violent as it would blow up in his face.

 

You have an affair.. then be man enough (or woman enough) to take what comes with it. The cases of violence are a minority.

[Whoknew30]

It's 11 years they have been married.

 

I've only ever heard one side of the story and I had no reason not to believe what I was told, if she is lying she's a damn fine one!

 

Her husband I would imagine would not want to go to war due to his profession and how they life(upper class).

 

If I end up in drama or being ganged up on the. So be it I was played for an idiot, if I wasn't and I knew I was stealing her away from a good marriage well that would never have happened since it would have been good.

 

All the way through she's had her cake and eaten it while me and H have had huge amounts of drama and emotional turmoil.

 

I have enough evidence such as chat conversations pictures she's sent me, pictures of her semi nude. Whatsapp conversations and of course all the times

He was away and she was with me or I was at her place and that I can give good detail so that he has no doubt.

I mean after all if some one came to me and said on dec 5 when you went away to Madrid with work colleague x y and z and she sent you these messages, and here's a picture of her naked time stamped. I would have no choice but to believe the whole thing..

 

 

But.... My question is how do I go about it? Anyone have an idea as I've wrote the letter a million times now

 

I've added and deleted stuff like she started the pill so we could have unprotected sex, where she was when he called at specific times and was a little bit suspicious... What she said to me and everything in between

 

What I don't want to do is rub it in his face, make it seem vengeful in anyway or cause any more suffering than I need to.... After all I was duped just like him and I'm feeling crap as I've wasted time and been played....

Hell I'll add my email and number if he wanted to call me.

 

 

 

You only seem to want to tell out of spite & that if he doesn't believe you, you have evidence & that doesn't sound like you want to throw in his face? You got hurt, it sucks, move on & be thankful you're not married to her. You don't care about her husband, you want to bury her.

 

Ok, you tell, husband knows. Then what? It does what for you? Everything you're feeling, you're still going to feel. So what is the benefit for you?

[Crazyninja]

Spite no revenge no....

 

I would do it because we both got played and since she has lied to us both I think we should both know.... Atleast then he has a choice if he's not happy...

[sandylee1]

 

But.... My question is how do I go about it? Anyone have an idea

.

 

 

How long ago did this end and how did it end?

 

You go about it by contacting him via email /letter /FB. You tell him you have information about his wife cheating on him. You say you have evidence if he needs proof and ask that he calls to confirm receipt of the message. ..even if he doesn't want to know anymore. ..so that you know the message wasn't intercepted. If you don't get a response ... persist in trying to contact him until he replies.

 

 

If he reaches out be honest. .. but don't give him the gory details. .. unless he wants to know more. .. but only say what you're comfortable with. Be as dignified about it as possible.

 

You can say that you thought it was a bad marriage from what she told you.... but when you saw them together you realised this was untrue and you felt compelled to tell him.

 

Think how sensitively you'd like this news delivered if you were him.

[goodyblue]

The AP doesn't see what the WS goes through though.

They don't see how they get shouted at

How they get insulted.. called a tart /slapper /Whore

They don't see how the WS gets shunned by the inlaws /friends

They don't see how the kids refuse to listen to the wayward parent anymore

 

 

It's no bed of roses for the WS ... and the BS knows that if his wife didn't open her legs .... There would be no A.

The blame isn't on one person .

 

He did wrong by having the A.... it's time for the BS to be enlightened.

 

The BS would be foolish to be violent as it would blow up in his face.

 

You have an affair.. then be man enough (or woman enough) to take what comes with it. The cases of violence are a minority.

 

Uh huh. That sounds terrible. But still nowhere near as bad as what I have seen happen to Om/OW. Minority of cases yes, but would you want to be that one in twenty, or one in fifty?

 

I was once OW so I of course will stand by my feeling of staying out of someone's marriage. The affair was bad enough.

 

And this tiny slice of pie that is this forum does not make up a true picture of what a BS is or what they want to happen.

[sandylee1]

If the BS took out revenge on the OM/OW as a matter of course......... there wouldn't be half as many OW/OM out there.

 

I can see that the kicker here was you seeing a loving marriage from the kiss.. now if you saw him dragging her along.. you wouldn't have the desire to blow this up.

 

So I do believe you were played... she lied ... but then cheaters often lie about their relationships. Not always ....... but more often than not.

 

If a woman told me my H was cheating and that she thought our marriage was dead from what he told her.. I wouldn't be angry with he. I'd never be an OW myself..but I wouldn't be angry with her. . Because once she saw what looked like a happy marriage.. she came clean. I'd be grateful she told me.

[Whoknew30]

Spite no revenge no....

 

I would do it because we both got played and since she has lied to us both I think we should both know.... Atleast then he has a choice if he's not happy...

 

IMO, I'd be doing things for myself. Get into some IC & think on it for a second. So you don't think he'd beat you up bc he's wealthy...wealthy people can get you in different ways & usually don't want someone blabbing their family secrets. Do you really want the possibility an enemy like that?..& I don't mean out of fear, is she worth a potential problem for you?

 

If you think, I hope it works out.

[lemondrop21]

I wonder, if you told her you planned to tell him, would she instead tell him herself? It seems to me that WS should own up to what they have done, although few do.

[Crazyninja]

Just wanted to say you guys and girls are awesome!

 

And the kiss I witnessed was a stood next to each other after shopping both places hands on faces and a prolonged passionate kiss.....

 

I spoke to her about the kiss and I got :

 

"I didn't want it, I didn't invite it, he was in control of it, so I didn't pull away, what was I supposed to do? Not kiss and start an argument"

 

But I seen the kiss.... You can tell if someone wants to kiss or not...

 

So anyway lemon drop I think it might be a good idea to tell her first... But I think she would just lie and say she told him and he wants to work it and then go quiet.

 

As for him causing me trouble if I go about it correctly like others have suggested I really can't see a drama unfolding and he's really not the guy that would pay someone to cause drama.... After all I'm not telling the world I'm telling him so he can make judgement call on his next move with information that is relevant. And he can keep it as quiet or go as loud as he wants about it.

[alwayslookup]

Ok......at this point in time you just want her to hurt. As for the kiss thing there has been many times where I just complied with a kiss just to make them happy even though I was repulsed inside. Could she be faking it and be really good at it....ummm...DUH. She's having an affair which means she's a really good liar and manipulator. Faking a kiss is probably the easiest thing to do. But anyways...again, as this point you just want her to hurt because you hurt. Understandable. But this kiss reason isn't a valid reason. It's silly really. I've absolutely despised people I've kissed all with the most loving happy smile while doing it.

 

Really weigh your pros and cons. While I believe if the husband didn't deserve to be cheated on (not that anyone really does) but say she was getting even or he's actually a total and complete douche....I wouldn't tell. If he was prince charming and she's just a b****.. then I totally think you should tell, and sit back with some popcorn and watch that fun little episode. But just make sure you have your facts straight as to whether or not he was a good guy.

 

But btw.....you knew she was married. So, you're just as much of a bad guy here. Don't think you are all the sudden being "noble". You're just as much of a douche to go after a married woman...just in a different kind of way.

Edited December 29, 2015 by alwayslookup

[Miss Clavel]

 

I spoke to her about the kiss and I got :

 

"I didn't want it, I didn't invite it, he was in control of it, so I didn't pull away, what was I supposed to do? Not kiss and start an argument"

 

But I seen the kiss.... You can tell if someone wants to kiss or not...

 

 

 

 

wait, what? you told her you saw her kissing her own husband? and she told you that she's not into him?

 

maybe she's just making a very slow exit, trying not to rock the boat so she can get a nice settlement.

 

p.s. you sound jealous and imo jealousy is your motive.

[JamesM]

I guess from the seat of a husband, then I do not really care what your motive is.

 

I would simply want to know if my wife were cheating on me. End of story.

 

Yes, I would be angry at the guy who was her AP. Yes, I would want to "blame" anyone but her. And yes, I may still want to reconcile with her.

 

BUT...to go on not knowing and living a lie?

 

Not caring WHY you want to tell, but seriously would want to know.

[sandylee1]

Just wanted to say you guys and girls are awesome!

 

And the kiss I witnessed was a stood next to each other after shopping both places hands on faces and a prolonged passionate kiss.....

 

I spoke to her about the kiss and I got :

 

"I didn't want it, I didn't invite it, he was in control of it, so I didn't pull away, what was I supposed to do? Not kiss and start an argument"

 

But I seen the kiss.... You can tell if someone wants to kiss or not...

 

So anyway lemon drop I think it might be a good idea to tell her first... But I think she would just lie and say she told him and he wants to work it and then go quiet.

 

As for him causing me trouble if I go about it correctly like others have suggested I really can't see a drama unfolding and he's really not the guy that would pay someone to cause drama.... After all I'm not telling the world I'm telling him so he can make judgement call on his next move with information that is relevant. And he can keep it as quiet or go as loud as he wants about it.

 

Of course she'd say that... I could easily have predicted it.

 

She won't tell him about the A. If she did.. she'd minimise it...say it was nothing..just a couple of times.. blah blah blah.. you know the drill.

 

Has your A been over for a while now or just recently?

So have you decided what to do?

[ladydesigner]

Just wanted to say you guys and girls are awesome!

 

And the kiss I witnessed was a stood next to each other after shopping both places hands on faces and a prolonged passionate kiss.....

 

I spoke to her about the kiss and I got :

 

"I didn't want it, I didn't invite it, he was in control of it, so I didn't pull away, what was I supposed to do? Not kiss and start an argument"

 

But I seen the kiss.... You can tell if someone wants to kiss or not...

 

So anyway lemon drop I think it might be a good idea to tell her first... But I think she would just lie and say she told him and he wants to work it and then go quiet.

 

As for him causing me trouble if I go about it correctly like others have suggested I really can't see a drama unfolding and he's really not the guy that would pay someone to cause drama.... After all I'm not telling the world I'm telling him so he can make judgement call on his next move with information that is relevant. And he can keep it as quiet or go as loud as he wants about it.

 

I agree with whoever said WS's are good liars.

 

Your MOW may have been putting on a show or may not of been, but the only person who really knows that info is her. Unfortunately since most WS's are already lying to their spouse, it should not be surprising they lie to their AP as well. Some WS's lie to everyone, including friends & family.

[sandylee1]

I agree with whoever said WS's are good liars.

 

Your MOW may have been putting on a show or may not of been, but the only person who really knows that info is her. Unfortunately since most WS's are already lying to their spouse, it should not be surprising they lie to their AP as well. Some WS's lie to everyone, including friends & family.

 

And sadly they even lie to themselves. They lie so much it's hard to tell the truth from the lies as they are so broken inside.

[goodyblue]

And sadly they even lie to themselves. They lie so much it's hard to tell the truth from the lies as they are so broken inside.

 

Yeah. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

[ladydesigner]

Yeah. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

 

Right?! I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself. Had no idea my WH could be such an accomplished liar

[JamesM]

Right?! I'm still trying to figure this one out for myself. Had no idea my WH could be such an accomplished liar

 

It is easy to lie to someone who wants to believe you and has no reason NOT to believe you.

 

Sadly, it usually isn't just that the WS is such a good liar. It is simply that the BSs are simply too trusting and gullible. Red flags are ignored or disbelieved. Stories full of holes are believed.

 

Look at other threads and see how BSs even think their marriage is doing better when at the same time the WS is in the beginnings of an affair.

 

We WANT to believe until we are forced to realize that we can no longer believe.

[sandylee1]

Yeah. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

 

I know this was said in sarcasm but.... it beats me....it really does.

 

A strong motivator is the kids. Many a BS have said post dday that they'd fake it until the kids were old enough to tell the courts who they wish to live with. Especially the women.

 

With the men... they don't want another man seeing their kids more than they do... so they also fake it. There's a fear of the new BF/step dad molesting their kids.. so they stick with the cheating wife anyway.

 

While you're being deceived and before there's a dday.. you have no idea you are married to a seasoned liar. Someone living a double life with a mistress or OM on the side. When you trust your spouse ... why would you think they'd betray you.. especially in a happy marriage.

 

That's why they say 'take the prize of the lying cheat'