Syncerity Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Well a little earlier i posted about the r kelly trapped in the closet soap opera song, and it had me curious about infidelity in marriages...say a H cheats on his wife, she finds out but yet she was cheating at the same time as him...do they see each other the same and question their love for one another, do they work things out? do they fell betrayed that even though they cheatd as well, that their partner cheated... this is basically to folks who has been in the situation of a spouse cheating on them and then them doing the same in revenge, or at the same time that their spouse was doing what they were doing...did yall work things out or just abandon ship? how did u feel? how did they feel about u cheating too? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Person A is married to Person B. A cheats, and knows in his mind what that cheating entails and the level of threat it has to his existing relationship. But, when B cheats - A goes ballistic. Why? Because A cannot know what B is thinking and whether or not B's cheating is a greater risk to the relationship than his own cheating. A might be thinking 'its just for the sex' and knows that he still loves B but he can't be sure that B isn't thinking 'I can't wait to divorce this assclown and take half his stuff'. A and B will have different motivations and emotions surrounding their cheating, and neither partner will fully understand that of the other partner. They can't trust that one or the other will keep the risk level low enough to maintain the current relationship. Do they feel betrayed? Yes. A and B even though they cheat, have compartmentalized their feelings for the other person they are involved with. The love they give to their new partners, they see as no threat to their current partners. A and B will feel betrayed by each other - even though they are betraying each other. Just because A cheats, doesn't mean he won't be any less hurt when B cheats. It sounds outrageous, but cheaters really do hurt and feel pain when their spouse in turn cheats on them. Cheaters are ok with betraying themselves and others, but can rarely handle it when someone betrays them. I see a lot of that on other boards - a woman who is sleeping with another man's husband is destroyed to find that her husband is cheating on her with someone else. She knows her motives and feelings with her cheating, but she doesn't know her husband's - and that is what destroys her. She may not think her cheating will destroy the marriage she has, but she may think that her husband's will. It is hard for people to understand, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Wow, a really insightful post. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoLoss Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Ummm... you might want to read the URL in my signature of my story. What you are talking about is my story. However, I wasn't doing it for revenge. In fact, the reason I found out my husband had been cheating all the way through our marriage was because of my own affair. The reason I cheated is that my husband had betrayed me twice with another woman. First time was about a year into our marriage and the second was about 5 years into it when I found he was chatting with her via email... for who know's how long. A part of me died during the first year of our marriage. I think I lost trust. I almost left him but I was so freshly married, I wanted to make it work. Then, after all that he was still talking to this married woman and we lived in a total different part of the country... I went numb and never regained myself after that. It was just the tip of the iceberg because he had slept with 2 women by that time. Total? 7 women thoughout our marriage. Was he unhappy? He says that he was very happy and always loved me. Ok, so why does someone act like a bachlor while they are married even tho they love their wife deeply? My husband should have come with a caution sign saying "Marry at your own risk".... I had an affair because I "lost" it for my husband. I don't mean I didn't love him... I just lost the trust... and he was in a band and played most weekends out of the year.. I was alone alot... he wasn't... that's for sure.. So, as for revenge... no.. it wasn't about that. It was about wanting to be important to someone enough that they would want to be with me and not running around in a band sleeping with everything that moves. I can say I didn't feel near as bad for having an affair when I found out my husband had been so busy for the last 7 years... Most other infidelity boards say I should dump my OM and work things out with my husband because that would be the right thing to do... but I ask, would it?? Should get back with a philanderer and put my life at risk again?? No, he didn't use condoms... Read my story... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Syncerity Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia It sounds outrageous, but cheaters really do hurt and feel pain when their spouse in turn cheats on them. Cheaters are ok with betraying themselves and others, but can rarely handle it when someone betrays them. I see a lot of that on other boards - a woman who is sleeping with another man's husband is destroyed to find that her husband is cheating on her with someone else. She knows her motives and feelings with her cheating, but she doesn't know her husband's - and that is what destroys her. She may not think her cheating will destroy the marriage she has, but she may think that her husband's will. It is hard for people to understand, that's for sure. oooh i undadig that down to the crossed T and the dotted I...that was the same scenario/thing i was thinkin.. she had her motives of a oh its just a one time thing i dont love him, but then she gets baffled hurt and confused on the point of if her husband is with this lady because he isnt attracted to his wife anymore, or if she makes him unhappy *shakes head* yea i see that alot from friends...they cheat on their bf's gf's husbands and wives, and then wen it happens to them their whole world is spun out of control at the thought that THE ONE THEY LOVE could hurt them and betray them like that, but yet theyve done the same thing...i just look at them like u got sum nerve to be mad and pass judgement when you were doing the same thing u know.. To lovenoloss i will read your post sweetness, and i hope everything works for u...they do say that people in the limelight get tempted...i bet, thats why i had to let go of my love... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoLoss Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 ahh yes.. the Limelight. Yes, It takes a strong person to not get wrapped up it that stuff. I am sorry you had to let him go. I would stay away from musicians all together.. unless its just for a fling or something.. but for long time committment and fidelity... bad idea.... They are usually too full of themselves to let anyone else in... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Syncerity Posted June 3, 2005 Author Share Posted June 3, 2005 Originally posted by LoveNoLoss ahh yes.. the Limelight. Yes, It takes a strong person to not get wrapped up it that stuff. I am sorry you had to let him go. I would stay away from musicians all together.. unless its just for a fling or something.. but for long time committment and fidelity... bad idea.... They are usually too full of themselves to let anyone else in... Amen to that...they be on that thought of i can get any girl in this world *rolls eyes at that*, but not all musicians are like that though i finally see that.. like my ex, he was a rapper, he'd do a show and minute he got off the stage instead of goin to tha club or hangin on groupies he called me and we talked til we fell asleep... oh yea love, i tried clickin that link, but it jus came up as a error...whats the name of ur post? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoLoss Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Hmmm... darn.. the link doesn't work anymore. I have the story written out on my computer at work. Ill post it to this link in the morning.. I promise. Your ex did that?? That is so sweet. Well, nice to know they are not all sleezeballs. Most of the time I didn't know where my husband was.. he would always call me before he went to sleep. It's before that he was doing his thing... so, dumbass was I!!! I thank my lucky stars that I didn't catch anything... What is your story? You didn't post with your story... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoLoss Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=60051 The above link should work... that is my story... Link to post Share on other sites
Natural Cat Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Person A is married to Person B. A cheats, and knows in his mind what that cheating entails and the level of threat it has to his existing relationship. But, when B cheats - A goes ballistic. Why? Because A cannot know what B is thinking and whether or not B's cheating is a greater risk to the relationship than his own cheating. A might be thinking 'its just for the sex' and knows that he still loves B but he can't be sure that B isn't thinking 'I can't wait to divorce this assclown and take half his stuff'. A and B will have different motivations and emotions surrounding their cheating, and neither partner will fully understand that of the other partner. They can't trust that one or the other will keep the risk level low enough to maintain the current relationship. Do they feel betrayed? Yes. A and B even though they cheat, have compartmentalized their feelings for the other person they are involved with. The love they give to their new partners, they see as no threat to their current partners. A and B will feel betrayed by each other - even though they are betraying each other. Just because A cheats, doesn't mean he won't be any less hurt when B cheats I was Person A many years ago; MW was Person B last year. Her's wasn't about revenge b/c she never knew about my A. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60888/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Syncerity Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 Originally posted by LoveNoLoss Hmmm... darn.. the link doesn't work anymore. I have the story written out on my computer at work. Ill post it to this link in the morning.. I promise. Your ex did that?? That is so sweet. Well, nice to know they are not all sleezeballs. Most of the time I didn't know where my husband was.. he would always call me before he went to sleep. It's before that he was doing his thing... so, dumbass was I!!! I thank my lucky stars that I didn't catch anything... What is your story? You didn't post with your story... thanky for the link..i read it..sorry that had to happen to you and him...i just see it as a lesson to be learned.. and yea the ex did that for me, he said i was different from the other chicks and didnt want to do anything stupid to lose me...i havent been thru the cheating ordeal yet, but from your story and others, i will pay close attention to signs and leave for i allow myself to get hurt..theres no real story with me, well except for the fact that i deal with sorry ass men, excuse my language..but other than that,nothin much here..just wanted to know if folks worked it out and if life gets better with the relationship after affairs Link to post Share on other sites
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