Unsure what to do about hubby lying about womans phone #

[hopingforlove]

Need advice, please

 

My husband works third shift and he has a cell phone. He has a couple of guys who work "under" him. One night, while my husband was sleeping his cell phone started alerting to something and it would not stop. So, I picked it up and it said picture mail. Thinking it was maybe my sister (she was having trouble getting hers to work) I checked it.

 

It was a picture of a woman I had never seen before. I immediately checked other parts of his phone such as text messages, emails, etc. I found an obvious string of previous text messages that were to someone other than me, and they were to the phone number associated with the picture that was sent. When I asked my husband he told me it was a guy's (Jeff) that he worked with exgirlfriend. He said Jeff told him she was a sleep technician so she has to stay awake at night, so when Jeff was bored, my husband would let him text message her, etc on his phone because they both use the same service, so its unlimited messaging. I had to let it go at this, as I had no proof of anything else.

 

Well, my husband gave me his old cellphone and added another to our plan. I uploaded some pics I took to the website, and went to the online photo page to check on printing them. Well, I noticed there were other pics of this woman there, and messages sent with them-to and from each other's phones. One of the things that I forgot to mention was that the reason I was upset about the messages on the phone is because my husbands excuse was that they were for Jeff. Well, a couple of messages I remember in particular were: Trying to get rid of me already? We only just met. Well, that doesn't sound to me like someone who has known the other person for a while. The new messages attached to the pictures (and my husband must have no idea they are there because they are NOT in the phone, they must automatically be saved if they are sent and recieved on your online photo account) said things like, I was so busy flirting with you that I forgot to tell you Jeff said hi. That clearly indicates that Jeff does indeed know this woman, but also implicates my husband in some lying.

 

I have not confronted him yet, because to try to find out what is exactly going on, when he comes home from work tomorrow morning I am going to get his cellphone and get the password to his online photo account and see what has been coming and going from his new phone. I have said something to him about the amount of calls made to this girl. He always tried to blame everything on Jeff, BUT some outgoing calls were made when he was not possibly at work, and I made sure to point that out. And, many calls were placed to his phone during early morning hours that HAD to be her, no one else is up at that time. When I confronted him about the calls, he admitted yes, he did talk to her, but only because at work there was nothing to do so they became friends through Jeff. When asked why he didn't just tell me he said, Because I knew you would get like this, she's a girl. Well, no freakin' duh I'm mad. He lied to me about it for over a month. Plus, I made comments about how Jeff's wife would certainly not appreciate knowing he talks to another girl while he is supposed to be working. So, he knew how I felt about that kind of activity.

 

Previous info: About 3 years ago, I heard rumors that my husband was seeing a woman he worked with. I found a card she had given him, and he confessed that they had gone to lunch a few times, and she had been places with him and other coworkers as a group (his work got free event tickets to hockey games and stuff) but that they were never alone anywhere and that it was not serious. He told me that she was having marital problems and blah blah blah. I told him not to be stupid and that I'm not stupid. She was looking to have an affair and using him as her shoulder to cry on. We can all imagine how this works. Well, to my knowledge nothing actually happened between them, and trust me. I did some investigating. The woman's husband was a detective in the town and he was watching them and so were his coworkers and he reported back to me. He admitted he had never seen anything beyond a peck on the cheek and that they were always with coworkers. Although I was furious, I forgave him because I found out I was pregnant, and our youngest child was only 16 months old. (the woman and her husband did end up divorcing)

 

What should I do about this? It seems silly in a way to potentially leave my husband of 10 years over text messages that don't say anything explicit. No I love yous, as far as I know, mind you. I am going to check for sure tomorrow morning. I am in desperate need of advice. When I confronted him the first time, he acted like I was overreacting but that he understood why I was mad. I also made it a point of asking him how he would feel if he found out I had deceived him in the same way. Help please!

[JadeStar]

If he has nothing to hide, then he wont mind calling this woman infront of you. When you are both home, sit down next to him, and hand him the cell phone. "Here hunny would you call this number for me?" He needs to tell her hes married and can not chat, text, etc and for her to please stop sending pics etc or whatever she is doing. If its all innocent then he shouldn't have a problem calling infront of you. If he hesitates or doesn't call at all, then theres more going on.

 

Also he already knows you know something is up,its highly possible that if something more is going on, he may not stop, he might just get better at hiding it. Even if nothing is going on, sounds like theres potential for it to turn into something else. Hes married, so he needs to stop texting, calling, excepting pics etc. Just my opinon.

 

 

Jade

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think you know in your gut something is up. He's done it before, and he's doing it again. I expect he thinks since he got away with it once, he can get away with it again. It may not be the all-out sexual affair that you're dreading, but it may very well be something along the lines of an emotional affair: which can be equally, if not more devastating. Those are the kinds people think they can get away with because they aren't physical about it. It starts as truly harmless flirting, then it escalates into harmful territory fairly quickly.

 

Here's what you do. After you get the password, and start looking: document everything. Print out every single thing you find and highlight the interactions you find to be suspicious. Have hard copies and lots of them: too many to explain away - along with any phone bills that would show the activity. As long as you have some solid proof, then you can confront him with it. Speculation and guesswork won't work: he'll just use that to his advantage. He won't be able to when you hand him a well-documented stack of his own transgressions. Make note of his behaviors with you as well: is he sexually uninterested or overly interested? Make note of lies or indiscrepancies he has already told you, and any others he makes. Is he short with you, or distant?

 

You'll have to go into this not questioning: but confronting - the second you turn it into a question, as if you don't know what's going on, he'll turn it on you: calling you paranoid, jealous, controlling, etc. Give him the stuff, tell him that you know what is going on and he has but one choice: end the contact with her, and go to marriage counselling with you - or, the marriage will end.

 

He will argue, scream, get angry, accusing, probably call you names or call you crazy - but keep your calm. If he brings up anything else, firmly direct the topic back to the problem at hand. An example:

 

He comes home. You ask him to sit down. You put the stack of papers in front of him. Be prepared to sound like a broken record.

 

You: "I know what is going on, and it has to stop. It is destroying our marriage."

Him: "You don't know anything! She is just a friend, its harmless,... blah, blah, blah.. (insert more excuses)."

You: "You are involved with this woman inappropriately, and it has to stop. It is destroying our marriage."

Him: "Rant, rant, rant - you are so controlling, you are a bitch, you want to ruin my friendships, etc. etc (he will basically try to make it sound like you are so unbearable that he was FORCED to have this affair).

You: "This isn't about me or your perceived shortcomings of me. This is about your inappropriate contact you are having with this woman, and the damage it is doing to our marriage."

(every time he brings up something not related, refuse to discuss it and revert back to this. Repeat it calmly and unemotionally. Refuse to let him bait you with anger or be forced into being on the defense. Just repeat this over and over in different wording - keep it FIRMLY on him and what he did.)

Him: "Rant, rant, rant (he will really go for the jugular and start in with the really mean hateful stuff)

You: "I understand you are angry, but this isn't about any of those things. This is about the inappropriate contact you are having with this woman. I think it would be best to work this out in marriage counseling, because we have a lot to say to each other. I will set up appointments for us this week."

Him: "We don't need any G_damned marriage counseling - you are the one who needs a shrink, not me!"

You: "You have a choice. We can go to marriage counseling, or we can go see a lawyer about divorce. It is not fair to either of us to have to live this way, and if we can't work on fixing our problems then there is no reason to stay married. If you want, we can talk about this later but for now you know your choices and I will not change my mind."

 

... and so on. Key points:

 

Stay calm. The second you explode in anger or cry, you have lost any footing you could hope to gain in this situation.

Be repetitive. He will say and do pretty much anything to turn this away from the true issue at hand. It is up to you to NOT address any issues that he brings up, and to force the conversation back to what HE did.

Be sure: you know what he's up to, and there's no need to second guess. You don't know the extent of it, but you know that something is up. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is in the wrong, because you will find yourself second guessing.

Be strong: refuse, absolutely refuse to answer to anything he is saying that does not concern the issue. Simply stay quiet, or keep repeating the stuff above.

Be short: this initial confrontation shouldn't drag out. Make your point, acknowledge that he is angry, present his choices in the matter and end the conversation, with an assurance that you will talk to him again after he has had time to think.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, LB had such a great post. I'm constantly amazed at her wisdom!

 

She's 100 percent right. Listen to her advice and handle it. Don't let him turn it around on you. Cheaters will lie as far as they can until they are cold busted.

 

As she said, you know something is going on you just don't want to face the facts. Put a stop to it before it goes any further.

[NiCoLe20]

jeff is just an excuse so he can hide whats goin on. go with ur instincts, if u feel like something is going on, your probably right. have him call jeff and YOU talk to him. ask ''jeff'' if he used ur husbands phone the last couple days, and go from there... i think ur husband is lying, get this to stop before things get worse.

[capitalcity_girl21]

I feel your pain. The same thing happened to me with my boyfriend (who I am still with). He was sending and receiving text messages from a woman that he had known before we started dating. Some of them were suggestive (although always from her) and when confronted he tried to play it off like it was all her fault and she was crazy and wouldn't stop text messaging him. I told him that women don't do things for no reason (ie: if he wasn't encouraging it) and we certainly don't put ourselves out there like that if we think there is no chance. I checked his phone records and confirmed that he called her just as many times as she called him.

 

It was in the beginning of our relationship. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that nothing physical ever transgressed between them (although I will never know for sure) and chalked his behavior up to stupidity and being a man. This is his first real long-term relationship so a part of me felt like he just didn't know how to act. She moved back to where she was from once her visa expired (South Africa) and they don't talk anymore.

 

When caught, men will always lie no matter how ridiculous the lie is.

 

If you truly love someone it is hard to just throw it all away - especially in your situation because you are married. I think it just comes down to how much you can take. When you have had enough you will know and that will enable you to make the right decision. Perhaps I am just a glutton for punishment?

 

My head told me it should be over because the principal behind the matter was still the same as if he had been physically unfaithful. Lies and deceit generate the same raw emotions of hurt and anger that are very hard to overcome and move forward from. This becomes even more apparent when another woman is involved because you question your own self and why you might not be good enough for the man that tells you he loves you.

 

Some guys just get off on the attention they receive from other women. From the idea that another woman wants them and if they wanted to, they could act on it. It is a power trip. They still love the woman they're with but they need that adreneline rush of doing something 'secret.' It is messed up and usually backfires because we always find out ... men are notoriously bad about hiding things; even when they're trying really hard.

 

I don't think I will ever understand the motivation ... but I do understand where you're coming from. Perhaps a little too well. But the bottom line is that I love my boyfriend more then I've loved any man previous. I believe we have something great so to me, it was not worth it to pack up my stuff and say 'goodbye.' I just had to find it in myself to accept this indiscretion and the lying, etc., and try to move on. It has been hard but I'm managing. I feel in my heart that I've made the right decision even if my head sometimes tries to tell me to the contrary.

 

I am not desperate and have always been very independent. I am not afraid of being alone. The rational part of me tells me that I'm a fool and will be hurt again. But as we know, love is not rational and is not one of those things that can be readily controlled. You just have to have faith sometimes.