How to mentally get through divorce?

[Southern07]

This may seem like a crazy question, but I feel like I'm the only person out there going through this. A little background on my situation. Married for 7 years. He has some issues and has basically turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with his problems. We have a young child, and I would never allow her to be brought up in this. I won't go into too much detail but I can assure you that I'm not exaggerating the situation. Cheating, being arrested, wrecking vehicles, cleaning out bank accounts, multiple rehabs, you name it, I've dealt with it the past year. So I basically went from being a housewife to being the sole provider in a matter of weeks. Luckily, I got a job quickly, stayed with family until I was on my feet, and have managed to survive without any huge wounds on the surface. The problem is, I feel like I'm shattered inside. Maybe I've been in survival mode for so long, but I feel like I'm completely crumbling on the inside. I'm not one to talk about my feelings much publicly, but how do you get through this? I'm pretty sure if I went to the doctor, they would prescribe me medication for this, but Im very strong willed and that makes me feel like I'm a failure. I might also add that no one in my family has ever divorced before, so adding to all my other problems, I have that burden as well. My family are very supportive, but I can't seem to cut myself a break.

 

So my question is, how do you get thought the turmoil of divorce mentally? In the midst of everything, how do I make time to make sure I'm okay?

[Akashsingh]

I went through the exact same feeling last year when I divorced. I was completely shattered. However, I would say, keep yourself busy, focus on your child. I later got a new job and met some nice , lively people and things have changed since then. I am enjoying my single life again. Surround yourself with happy people.

[Mobi]

I hear ya. My story is very much the same as yours. I'm struggling as well, and it's hard for me. I keep my family together, keep busy, make as many friends as I can, and seek help from others. The only way to survive, is take it one day at a time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn to ask others for help, even if it's just taking the time to listen to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

This may seem like a crazy question, but I feel like I'm the only person out there going through this. A little background on my situation. Married for 7 years. He has some issues and has basically turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with his problems. We have a young child, and I would never allow her to be brought up in this. I won't go into too much detail but I can assure you that I'm not exaggerating the situation. Cheating, being arrested, wrecking vehicles, cleaning out bank accounts, multiple rehabs, you name it, I've dealt with it the past year.

 

Are you familiar with Al-Anon? It's a support and self-help group for people just like you. Have dealt with a family member's addiction over the last 5 years, I know exactly the drama, craziness and chaos you've gone through - and so do these group members. It's a huge relief to know you're not alone, others have experienced - and survived - the same things.

 

Here's how to find a meeting:

 

Al-Anon Meeting Search

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden2]

This may seem like a crazy question, but I feel like I'm the only person out there going through this.

Listen to me: YOU ARE.

You are 'the only person ... going through this' because every experience, every circumstance, is different, individual, unique.

Nobody else can ever feel what you are feeling, or go through what you are going through.

But others are in similarly unique situations, and a supportive, empathetic and comforting environment is essential. Mr. Lucky's advice is extremely sound, in this respect....

 

....Luckily, I got a job quickly, stayed with family until I was on my feet, and have managed to survive without any huge wounds on the surface.

That's because surface wounds are superficial. A 'flesh wound', I think they call it. Inner wounds - like cancer, cirrhosis, ulcerations... they're unseen, and deep, painful and unpredictable, and they eat away at us, if left untreated.

You need to treat your 'internal wounds'....

 

The problem is, I feel like I'm shattered inside. Maybe I've been in survival mode for so long, but I feel like I'm completely crumbling on the inside. I'm not one to talk about my feelings much publicly, but how do you get through this?

By breaking the closing habit, and talking about your feelings, "publicly".

It is only through exposure, and facing the Truth, that such matters can be healed. Choose your environments carefully, and select a 'safe' avenue by which to engineer the beginning of internal healing - but you MUST in any way possible, let this out.

 

I'm pretty sure if I went to the doctor, they would prescribe me medication for this, but Im very strong willed and that makes me feel like I'm a failure.

I understand this. Totally, I can equate, and some time ago I felt the same way about a crisis I was personally experiencing.

But this is NOT THE CASE.

Doctors, for the most part, these days, are taught that people with fragile emotions need handling with care and consideration.

It is NOT a failure if you seek some kind of temporary and non-addictive support.

Put it this way:

If your car breaks down, and the garage offers you a courtesy vehicle, to see you through the time your car is off-road, would you turn it down?

If your home is subsiding, and the insurance company has a clause making temporary accommodation available, would you turn it down?

 

Simply because you're 'strong-willed' doesn't mean you are invulnerable.

I too thought medication was an option for the weak.

I saw my doctor and was put on medication which we reviewed on a MONTHLY basis. And I ceased taking it after 4 months.

It saw me through the worst of the period, and gave me more strength, not less.

Please, do not dismiss such an option out of pride and stubbornness....

 

I might also add that no one in my family has ever divorced before, so adding to all my other problems, I have that burden as well. My family are very supportive, but I can't seem to cut myself a break.

How many other members of your family have had to deal with "Cheating, being arrested, wrecking vehicles, cleaning out bank accounts, multiple rehabs,"...?

Maybe if they had had such issues besetting them, they too would be in a similar situation. Your experience has been extreme. Quit flogging yourself. Really. With everything going on in your life, the last thing you merit, or deserve, is being metaphorically pistol-whipped by the one individual who should love you more than anyone else.

 

Yourself.

 

So my question is, how do you get thought the turmoil of divorce mentally? In the midst of everything, how do I make time to make sure I'm okay?

Investigate Guided meditations and visualisations. Many bookstores have audial CDs that offer such tranquil moments. When you go to sleep at night, play soothing sounds into earphones so that the last thing you consciously hear (and continue to unconsciously absorb) is beneficial, soothing and healing.

Try giving yourself short periods of quiet meditation during the day. I'm talking even 30 seconds of deep, soothing calming breathing, with your eyes closed and repetition of a comforting, encouraging phrase. "I breathe in Peace, I breathe out Pain".

 

Be Good to Yourself.

 

You're the very best thing you've got.

[Miss Clavel]

for the love of god, get divorced.

 

get off any joint holdings, vehicles, credit cards, property or insurance you have. today would be best.

 

make SURE you get "full physical custody" of your child.

 

have your lawyer organize the "visitation" to supervised. meaning he can see your daughter at your house while you are home or at the AA meetings before they start, or at the home of her grandparents. make sure he understands that your daughter will not be riding in the car with drunkin druggy daddy. ever. or until he's achieved two continuous years of sobriety.

 

remember, letting go and moving on are two different things.

 

good luck

[Southern07]

I appreciate the feedback! It's hard for me to even put my feelings into words so I think this alone helps.

 

The divorce is already all but final. I'm just waiting for the papers. I got sole custody and he got no visitation at all. He didn't even bother to respond or attend. Although he was nice enough to accuse me of tainting the holidays even though he hasn't seen or called his daughter in 4 months. I only asked for supervised visits but the attorney and judge agreed since he didn't bother to show up that he clearly was uninterested in being in her life.

 

I just feel like I can manage for everyone else, but can't get the energy to do much for myself. Maybe some self confidence will come back at some point and the guilt will go away.

[howtomoveon]

Not sure if you are already in therapy or have considered it, but I have found it incredibly helpful during difficult life transitions.

You could also look into alternative therapies such as EMDR. EMDR has been proven a very effective treatment for trauma. What you have been through is definitely traumatic. Don't want to go too much into it here, but a quick google search will provide you with plenty of details if you are interested.

I tried it years ago to help me get past a traumatic life event that had happened in my younger years. I could never talk or cry about it. Lo and behold, despite my skepticism, it actually helped.

Remember to do something for yourself every day. I am also now the sole provider to my home with a preschooler, and am going through a separation/likely divorce so I can relate to what you're going through.

[testmeasure]

(1) I accepted survival mode. I had to operate in survival mode for a long while. I accepted it and focused on priorities and optimizing the overall eventual outcome regardless of which direction things went.

 

 

(2) I regarded survival mode as inherently temporary. Life can't be a permanent state of emergency. An emergency is a situation where normal survival isn't possible. So, if the world was in a constant state of emergency, we'd all be doomed anyway. This means survival mode in a state of emergency should always be regarded as temporary. Put differently, if you're in a lifeboat situation, you probably have to make some really bad tradeoffs. But if we were always in a lifeboat situation, we'd be doomed and we wouldn't exist.

 

 

(3) I focused on my child and found that I got back easily more energy than I put in. I tried my very best to not short change her. She was also very young and had no way to understand what was going on. I made sure we got out of the house and did interesting fun things, making every day fun and exciting for her. Seeing her enjoyment, fun, and "stamp of approval" on the day's activities filled me with positive energy.

 

 

My ex had created such a negative hostile environment for many months prior to the divorce, and I think without these 3 things, I never would have made it through.

 

 

As a minor fourth, I would add (4) allow yourself to imagine and realize that it could be worse. The internet is full of stories just like yours but where the other parent fights you for custody just to avoid child support. Sometimes when I see some of the stuff out there now, I feel lucky. At that level, maybe (4) is more for after you've gotten out of survival mode. But, in the mean time, don't forget to count your blessings.

 

 

I don't know if that helps because a lot of the details about what makes your situation so bad are quite different from what made my situation bad.

Edited December 30, 2015 by testmeasure