Desperate

[ExpatInItaly]

It's possible he's met someone else.

 

You need to create some own goals for yourself, independent of this guy. What do you want for your near future? In five years, what would you like to be doing? What are your favorite hobbies and interests?

 

Cultivate your own life and your self-esteem will slowly improve and won't be connected to what any man thinks. That's the healthiest possible thing you could do for yourself right now.

[Sar112]

I really feel for you Brooke - I know what people are saying about it not being a 'real' relationship must hurt, especially if this is exactly what it has felt like to you.

 

It's true though - you don't want to chase him. Don't text, don't call. Let him make the effort. If he thinks anything of you then he will. If he doesn't then it is his loss entirely.

 

I have recently been through a horrible break up myself - my ex spent the last ten years being indecisive - working hard for years after the first time we split to win me back. For the last two years he told me I was the love of his life. Then two months ago we were discussing kids names one day and the next he finished things completely out of the blue. It's easy to start blaming yourself and for your confidence to take a hit in these situations but just remember it's nothing you've done. People are cruel - they do strange things that sometimes there is no real explanation for. It is their issue if they can't value what they have worked hard to get.

 

Spend some time alone, working on yourself and try not to think too much about him. If he's worth it he will be back, if not then someone who does deserve you will turn up once you've realised your own worth. Confidence is the most attractive trait don't forget

[Brooke42]

He would make offers to come see me and I would make excuses. Up until recently I've wanted to see him so much more. I've planned things and they just haven't worked, but he would try to come see me and I thought I wasn't good enough for him so I kept him away for a while. But he has never known that. I got over it eventually and that's when I started to want to spend more time together. It was selfish I know. But now I've been trying to hang and he's been too involved in his own life and his problems to come around.

But I also know that a lot of guys are like that. Not good at handling so much at once. Still doesn't make any sense because he's had these hours for a few weeks now. I'm hoping he comes around. It's been a day and a half and still nothing from him since the day after our weird convo. I didn't know his brother was in town [his bro lives across the country and only comes home for big holidays] and I would assume he would have been there the week of Christmas, which is the week I didn't hear from him and then freaked out. The last time his brother came home [for Thanksgiving] we didn't talk as much but he still said 'hey sorry busy with my brother' but he also didn't have these crazy hours either. The only reason I know his brother is there is because his mom put on facebook that they were all out to lunch today and his brother was leaving tonight.

I don't really know what to think. I just hope he comes around again, enough to at least get him in person and pour out all these feelings to him. I regret not doing it the times I have seen him. I'm really wanting this to be just a bad phase. But I'm assuming the best way to handle this is just to not contact him until he contacts me? Months ago if he was having bad days he would just want to see me. I don't know how that could have changed. I know a lot of people say it works but how will it work when there's nothing there to remind him of me..it's not like he sees me everyday and will miss my presence. I don't know how to get him to miss me, or if I should think he even will. Is this a typical thing with guys or something I should really be worried about?

I know the best thing is the leave him be but some replies have worried me. How could he find another girl when I just met his parents last week? It's been easier on me the past few days to not talk to him because I've been so busy at work and tired when I come home but I know this weekend all I'll want to do is see him, especially since it's new years and if he doesn't contact me on that night ill be crushed. I don't have a single friend in my town so I can't just hang out with people and get my mind off this. In fact when I'm with people I just get more depressed about stuff like this. I've tried to wrap my head around his behavior and I can't. Can anyone even think of a reason why he would be doing this. Like there's no way to know if he's so depressed that he's cut off contact with everyone or it's just me.Eating out with his family would make me think he's perfectly fine. Is he trying to get in a better mood before he talks to me? Imean how can someone just be in a mood to not talk to their SO for days.................

I know what I need to do, now I just need to understand why he's doing things this way.

[Brooke42]

Update.

I finally texted yesterday asking if I could bring him something on one of his off days. I got no response. I would assume after being exclusive for 5 months he would tell me what's going on. I keep thinking maybe he needs space and is just too afraid to tell me. I don't know what to think at this point.

[Wanderer1]

dont give up on him. He just needs support probably. Having to work those hours really messes with your mind. Just talk to him. I knw if i had work hard to get someone i wouldnt just give up. Take care.

[Blanco]

dont give up on him. He just needs support probably. Having to work those hours really messes with your mind. Just talk to him. I knw if i had work hard to get someone i wouldnt just give up. Take care.

 

Awful advice.

 

How can she "just talk to him" when he's not even responding to her texts at this point?

 

Dude is gone.

[Amelie1980]

Update.

I finally texted yesterday asking if I could bring him something on one of his off days. I got no response. I would assume after being exclusive for 5 months he would tell me what's going on. I keep thinking maybe he needs space and is just too afraid to tell me. I don't know what to think at this point.

 

Do nothing. I was involved in something similar although we saw each other more than you two did. He was making the right noises saying we will spend the year together, etc. So good I thought. Shaky start but hes coming aorund.

 

Then he went quiet and my instincts were to leave it. I kept telling myself leave it, leave it.

 

but I didnt. I thought maybe he is just busy and against my better judgment texted him. He had until now been suggesting we meet all the time, every time he heard from me.

 

He replied back telling me he'd met soemone and he couldnt fool around with me anymore. Yup he'd lied and strung me along until he met someone. I went mental with him and I wish I hadnt.

 

Leave yours alone. Do you want to be told he has a gf now and you were only good enough to meet once of twice every 2 months?

[ExpatInItaly]

He doesn't want to see you, OP.

 

Period.

 

Don't push him until he lashes out at you, or tells you he's got someone else in his life, or blocks you for good. Don't throw away all your dignity. I bet the truth will hurt a heck of a lot more than him just ignoring you.

 

You weren't exclusive for any length of time so I don't know why you believe you were. That is your fantasy, unfortunately. It's not reality.

 

Leave him alone - the message he's sending you is crystal clear.

[Brooke42]

Well it's been almost 2 weeks, and although I'm sad I'm trying to remain positive.

I've been focusing on my job a lot ever since he's been silent. I find that I'm too busy during the day to even really think about anything else or have time to be sad. I've shed so many tears over guys in my lifetime that I don't think I have any left. Normally I would be so upset, but the most I've done over this is tear up. Even back a few months ago I would obsess over a guy if he wasn't talking to me. I haven't tried to reach out except for that one time.

I'll admit that it gets hard at night when I'm off work and I want to tell him about my day or hear about his. Or when I experience something and I wish he was here to share it with me. On the weekends all I want to do is hang out with him. If I don't hear from him after a month has passed, I will tell him how I feel. Whether I have to call from a friends phone. Or I'll find a way to see him [haven't exactly figured out how to do that yet.]

I've always been the kind of person that never wants to give up on someone. And through the years I was always made fun of by my friends for putting so much effort into terrible guys. I gave away my kindness and patience to people who never deserved it. And I learned there are some people you have to give up on who don't value you the same way you value them. Every guy I've ever dated in my lifetime [with the exception of 1] has always came back and apologized to me for the way I got treated, whether it was months or years later. It's very weird actually. And yes, even the abusive one did.

This guy is a good person. Just in who he is. That's one of the reasons I love him so much. I love his character, his soul..not just what he can do for me. He is the person I want to take care of, to put my energy into. He is worth my efforts. In the past it was always about me just wanting to feel like someone loved me..and now, with him....i just want the best for him.

The person that he is, is the best I've ever known. Yeah, maybe he isn't being there for me right now but he has to take care of himself too. And I don't know enough to know whether or not he's blowing me off forever [although my gut tells me he would be man enough to say please don't speak to me again]

He does have a lot of maturing to do.

After having no more friends to talk to, I spoke to my brother about the situation I'm in. I told him all the details. And he told me something. He told me that this guy is probably exhausted, that he doesn't have the energy or the will right now to fake being in a good mood, and that he probably doesn't want me to see that side of him all the time. He doesn't think this guy is just going to ignore me for the rest of his life, that he will speak to me at some point.

The only thing I'm scared of is him finding someone else, but he told me he loved me the day before I went to his house. I don't think you can stop loving someone that quickly, unless I'm wrong.

I just believe in my heart it isn't over yet. I don't know what's going on but I'm hoping this is just a chapter in the story. I want him to get better, and I truly hope that's what he's been doing during all this time. Looking at it right now seems hopeless but if I look at the big picture it seems as though this has the potential to work out for good..I know that doesn't mean it will. And I probably seem delusional for even thinking so positive about this. I will not force the issue with him, but I do feel like I haven't been there for him the way I should and that is my only regret. That's what makes me want to send the long texts explaining all my feelings, but I don't know if I can do that yet at the risk of being too much. I guess all I do from here is wait...what would you believe if you were in my situation, would you have any hope at all?

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, Brooke.

 

No, I wouldn't have any hope anymore. He's not interested. He's not just stressed, or going through a bad period, or whatever excuse you're telling yourself. He's lost whatever interest he had.

 

Stop listening to people who tell you otherwise. I think they are trying to be kind and avoiding hurting you, but in the end, it gives you false hope. This never had legs to begin with.

[VeveCakes]

I think you need to take a step back and focus on yourself for a while.

[Brooke42]

I haven't tried to reach out again yet. I'll have to, because this is driving me crazy. I had something very long typed out to him, but I'm not sure if I should send that explaining all my feelings, or just ask what's going on. If he doesn't answer me I plan on calling from a friend's phone once I meet up with them next weekend.

I can't believe he crushed on me for 3 years, pursued me, and now this is happening. It all doesn't even seem real. I just wanted things to go back to normal.

Life doesn't feel right without him and I'm starting to slip into a depression of my own.

This plan we had made together for our lives, it all felt so right...and now I've lost it...probably forever. I don't want to do life with anyone else.

[Blanco]

Leave him alone. You two saw each other twice in five months despite living just an hour apart. That's not a real relationship. I saw my dentist twice in that time span.

 

You aren't wrong for feeling sad, but there's nothing you can say that's going to change his mind. You can't control how he feels.

 

So no, you don't have to reach out as you claim you do. No, you don't have to email him a message of any length, explaining yourself or asking what's going on. He's told you what's going on with his absence and silence.

 

Calling him from an unknown number is borderline creepy and will not be well received by this guy. He's trying to distance himself from you. What makes you think he will take kindly to you tricking him into talking? Do you really think him telling you straight up that it's over is going to make you feel better? It won't. It's not what you want, so it won't give you peace of mind.

[ExpatInItaly]

I haven't tried to reach out again yet. I'll have to, because this is driving me crazy. I had something very long typed out to him, but I'm not sure if I should send that explaining all my feelings, or just ask what's going on. If he doesn't answer me I plan on calling from a friend's phone once I meet up with them next weekend.

I can't believe he crushed on me for 3 years, pursued me, and now this is happening. It all doesn't even seem real. I just wanted things to go back to normal.

Life doesn't feel right without him and I'm starting to slip into a depression of my own.

This plan we had made together for our lives, it all felt so right...and now I've lost it...probably forever. I don't want to do life with anyone else.

 

At the risk of sounding completely insensitive, I strongly advise you to seek professional help.

 

I say that because your level of attachment to this guy isn't normal. You are projecting in a troubling way. It's not his responsibility to make your life a happy and fulfilled one. That's on you. There was nothing to lose here expect for the fantasy you built up in your mind; reality was an entirely different story that you apparently refused to see. Meeting someone twice is not a relationship, nor is it the basis for planning out a life together. What plan did you possibly have together when you never even entered into a relationship?

 

You absolutely must start dealing in reality and separate that from the fairy-tail you had imagined. I honestly don't mean to be unkind, but I think your distress over this is very concerning. Do not reach out to him. Despite what you're telling yourself, you don't "have to." You want to. There is a significant difference there. And only you are responsible for your desires.

 

He's staying out of touch for a reason. Please respect this boundary he has drawn.

[Brooke42]

Well everyone...

He texted me tonight. I was shocked. He apologized for dissapearing....

He said he did it because he didn't want to hurt me and he didn't know how to tell me, but that it was wrong for him to do that.

I told him that I forgive him.

He told me he likes me a lot but doesn't want anything serious right now.

And in that moment I quit caring about being so serious over him.

And he's right. We are too young to be so serious. So I told him that nothing has to be serious, we can just have fun.

I'll be seeing him in 2 weeks now.

But I'm not gonna worry about this anymore. If it turns into something serious then great. If not then I won't stress. I can't. I'm only going to put as much effort in as he does.

I don't really know what he wants. I suppose I'll just go with the flow right now and see where it leads.

I'm kinda upset that he never meant anything he said before, but I have to take this for what it is.

I guess if he didn't care at all he never would have apologized.

[Brooke42]

I think an important thing to note also is that he said he just wanted to hook up with me. And that he said all the things he did because he thought it would make it happen.

And yeah, that's a douche thing to do. I realize that. I plan to tell him everything I'm upset about when we have our 'fun' time in a couple of weeks.

I'm aware that I can't get attached to him. I already was, but I'm not anymore. I can just tell.

And no, we never hooked up. But we both wanted to, I knew going into it that he had always wanted to hook up with me..I just didn't know that's all he wanted. I find it hard to believe though, between all the flowers, and time that he put into just talking to me.

I don't expect anything from him now. If I hear from him great, if I don't then ok.

The dynamic is totally different now. And he's wanting different things than he had wanted the whole time. He's just indecisive. When I see him I'll probably tell him that he can either treat me like he cares, or I will never be in his life again. I don't want him to think of me as slutty [because I'm not, I don't hook up unless I am deeply invested] but I want to be young and dumb with him. The world is too serious.

If he doesn't care then I'll leave and never look back.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, you're going to be used. Plain and simple. He told you as much! He only wants to "hook up." Stop trying to convince yourself he wants more when he's telling you himself he doesn't. You're in the FWB-zone, not the Girlfriend Zone.

 

You need to grow a backbone and build boundaries. Where on earth are your standards?

[Qboro90]

You went from being totally head over heels in love with this guy and being depressed because he wasn't talking to you..... To being totally fine with just being a booty call for him after he admitted he doesn't want anything serious with you?!?....wtf...

 

Can you not see how unhealthy that is? You invested so much emotion Into a guy you only saw twice and only had a texting/snapchat interactions with.... And then he disappears... You freak out... Then calls you... Offers a bull**** apology which you accept immediately, almost graciously and tell him that you look forward to "having fun" with him the Nex time you see him. So you have now just made yourself a doormat and are offering Yourself as just a booty call for his pleasure.

 

You need to start seeing a therapist. The fact that you're still even talking to this guy is mind blowing. Let alone the fact that you're just going to let him use you for sex whenever he wants. And if you actually think you can do that without falling for him and wanting more, then you're more naive than I thought.

 

You will always have problems if you rely on a man for your happiness. Until you can be happy on your own, you're going to continue going through tumultuous relationships with men.

[Marc878]

Working shift work is a killer. I did it for 7 years.

 

On midnights you don't know much but work and sleep.

 

I remember once I got up went to work and it was my day off. Crazy!!!

[Blanco]

Working shift work is a killer. I did it for 7 years.

 

On midnights you don't know much but work and sleep.

 

I remember once I got up went to work and it was my day off. Crazy!!!

 

Did it also cause you to tell girls you were dating that you basically just wanted them around for booty calls?

[Brooke42]

I can't believe he did this to me.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all....every guy I've dated has treated me like crap..except this guy. Until now.

I never understand why I always get treated badly ..or why "bad"guys are attracted to me.

I'm not a huge partier. I don't sleep around. I dress very modest (never wear anything too tight or low cut) that's just who I am. I'm a tender hearted person (maybe too much so) and I always try to see the best in everyone. I've bent over backwards for every guy in the past...because I cared so much and I wanted him to be happy.

But I was willing to do more for this guy than I had in the past with others. I had a big crush on him. When I was little I had the picture of my "dream guy" in my head, the guy I thought I was gonna end up marrying. And this guy had always been that dream guy who was in my head for so long. It was almost unreal. Everything from his looms to his personality...there wasn't one thing I would have changed. I always thought this was meant to be...because we lost touch so many times and always came back to each other...I felt like the universe was almost putting us together. It's so hard for me to let go of this "relationship" because my life planned out with him was perfect. We are both in the same place in life...we are heading the same direction, have the same personality. He lives in the city I was always planning on moving to (way before we ever got involved) the timing was perfect. I could up and move with him wherever i wanted to if it had come to that.Everything seemed so right. I'm trying to let go of the hope that he'll realize he's made a horrible mistake. It's hard for me to understand...the girl he dated while we were in college...she was so b*****y and spoiled, just downright hateful. I am the complete opposite and yet he DATED her..which makes me wonder why I'm not good enough for him to want to date that way...

I bend over backwards for everyone I care about. Before I got a backbone I used to try and do nice things for my abusive ex WHILE he was abusing me. I've gotten a lot better about that, but I still put others before myself.

It's hard for me to let this one go because I still love everything about him. And after crushing on me all during college it's hard for me to accept that he wants to let me go and only ever wanted to hook up.

I think a part of him is scared to be serious. I don't know though. I don't get why I'm not good enough. I just hope I actually end up getting to talk to him in person about it...because I don't think I'll be able to accept this until he tells me to my face that he doesn't want me in his life. At least we are on terms where I can ask to meet up...that doesn't mean he'll actually show up though. I just want to understand...if I can learn why and find out what's truly going on (by him telling me, standing in front of me face to face) I'll be at peace about this. Because then I'll realize there's nothing more I can do. I hate giving up when I haven't done everything possible to make it right. And even last night, I didn't tell him how I truly feel. I want him to physically see how much I care.

I'm going to try to not feel sick over this but it will be a long 2 weeks and a lot of anticipation just waiting and wondering if I'll even actually get to see him.

I used to think this was just a rough patch that would make us stronger, to get to the bigger picture....now it's just weighing heavy on my heart and I don't even know how to feel.

 

I will not be a booty call for him. What I meant is that I've told him we can hook up two weeks from now just to get him in person to tell him what I really think....so i can finally have a piece of mind. Loving people too much is a flaw of mine. I've fallen so much for who he is that I won't be able to get over it until I've done all I can do. I've gotta tell him how I feel, I've gotta hear him say he's done with me for the rest of his life....and hear him say it to my face. I guess if I never get him in person (even though we agreed to meet up in two weeks) then I'll just have to live with the way things are.

It's hard when he's been a certain way for years to me, and then in days he wants to present himself as someone I don't even know...and doing things out of his character that I've never experienced from him before.

Its put this weird feeling inside me, almost like I've lost the person I knew and I'll never get him back. It's a hopeless feeling. And the life I talked about with him and thought would truly happen...will never become a reality. I hadn't looked forward to something so much....in so long.

Q, I know it seems like I shouldn't feel the way I do. But its that age old question of whether you can love someone the first time you see them. And I did. It was just a crush during school....and the first time I saw him after all those years...I fell for him all over again, and in a different way. The first time we went out together after we started our 'relationship' it was also the first time I had seen him in years. We went bowling. And we acted the way we did with each other during college. It's like no time had passed. We talked to the people around us and they assumed we had been together for years. I think about that and I wish I didn't have to lose it. I was so happy.

I haven't truly fallen for a guy this way in my life. Even when I have had other boyfriends. Even during college, if he had tried to date me I would have dumped my boyfriend. I would have picked him over anyone else.

I just cannot believe I was so close to having something with him, and now it's over with no hope for anything ever being restored.

It's like happiness was holding out its hand, I touched it...and then it let go.

I don't even know what to do in this situation anymore or how to deal. I'm living just fine...but there's an aching feeling in my heart.

I wish I knew that he was going to be this indecisive person for a while and then wake up one day and realize how dumb he's being. I wish I knew that this was temporary, that he would come back to me and need me in his life...but I don't know. And that's what is so hard.