Situation with long time female friend and I don't know what she is thinking

[Lex30]

I have found myself in an awkward situation with a girl I have been friends with for about 6 years. We met through friends back at the end of college and bonded throughout the years. There may have been feelings for each other early on but the friendship turned into a close platonic one. We had similar hobbies like running races, playing tennies, reading the same authors, so we were a good match for friends.

 

We are both 30 now and have both come out of relationships in the last year. We seem to have become a little closer in recent months. She has been going through a career change and I have given her a lot of support and have been hear ear throughout this.

 

In the past we have exchanged gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but small things (in the 25 dollar range). This year I spent $40 dollars on her and she went way over the top spending $150 on me. I told her it wasn't necessary to do this but she said she can spend her money how she wants and told me she got me more since I have helped her alot this year. On top of this she bought concert tickets that were $50 a piece and again told me it was for me helping her. Last night we went out to dinner and drinks, in both cases she paid and refused me giving her money towards it. In fact it was kind of a scene as I tried to give her money and she just threw it on the floor and said she wouldn't take it.

 

I am trying to figure out if she has feelings for me or likes me more than just good friends. Things have been normal otherwise, we always hug each other when we meet up and we have hung out and talked about the same the past month. But this excessive paying for stuff and going way overboard on my Xmas gift has me thinking she might be trying to give me a signal she is in to me.

 

I'd definitely be open to a relationship if she wanted to go in that direction. Things have been platonic for a long time, but I do care for her and think we'd be a couple that had fun together and got along. I just don't want to even attempt to step in that direction if she isn't also feeling that way.

[preraph]

I'm not saying it's impossible, but I think in most cases, her paying is usually to be sure it's understood it's friendship. It's one of those things I guess men can't be expected to understand. But lots of women really get nervous on (mostly early) dates because if the guy pays, which is traditional and preferred on most levels, it can sometimes make a woman feel obligated some way to have sex or keep going out with him even when she doesn't want to. Now I have no idea if your friend is like that.

 

There's also the phenomenon a friend of mine used to fall into that her shrink finally told her about. She was always giving little gifts to people. New people, old people,didn't matter. Turns out it was her way of trying to buy their friendship. Most people don't feel the need to go overboard with that and will only do it if reciprocated. In her case, she is very social but had some underlying psychological issues and it was a way she overcompensated.

 

Instead of reading anything into it, you guys are close friends, so it's time to just talk about it. When you're not out spending money, that's when to talk about it. Tell her you're not comfortable with her paying so much and maybe blow it off as a "man thing" and tell her your pride won't take it or whatever, that you were raised to be a gentleman, whatever you're comfortable with. Tell her if it continues, it might even make you less likely to make plans because you'll feel like she'll pay when it was you asked her out.

 

My best guess is that if she was really feeling like maybe dating or changing the relationship, it would likely manifest in a more physical way. Like maybe she'd be acting a little giddy, and certainly seems like she'd be touching you even if it was only brief like on your arm or something. If there's no physical touch at all, that's a pretty clear physical boundary right there. But if she starts even unconsciously reaching out to touch, that could mean something, and you should just reciprocate. She touches your arm with her finger, you respond with words and also reach out and touch hers with your finger, that sort of thing.

 

Also, with women (I am one), clothing and how much trouble they've gone to with their hair and makeup says it all. Women can read this clearly, but most men seem unschooled on it and either like the way someone looks or they don't, which works too, I suppose. But if you see her wearing anything more feminine, or some new high heels or jewelry when she didn't before or showing even slightly more skin, there's hope she's dressing for you.

 

Hang in there. Don't be afraid to just talk to her. But be careful. It is hard to change a long platonic friendship into a romantic situation for most people. Instead of being married for some years and then the new wearing off and settling into a friendship, it's sort of like you started at this stage and it's hard to go backwards and recreate the excitement of getting to know someone.

[Lex30]

I'm not saying it's impossible, but I think in most cases, her paying is usually to be sure it's understood it's friendship. It's one of those things I guess men can't be expected to understand. But lots of women really get nervous on (mostly early) dates because if the guy pays, which is traditional and preferred on most levels, it can sometimes make a woman feel obligated some way to have sex or keep going out with him even when she doesn't want to. Now I have no idea if your friend is like that.

 

There's also the phenomenon a friend of mine used to fall into that her shrink finally told her about. She was always giving little gifts to people. New people, old people,didn't matter. Turns out it was her way of trying to buy their friendship. Most people don't feel the need to go overboard with that and will only do it if reciprocated. In her case, she is very social but had some underlying psychological issues and it was a way she overcompensated.

 

Instead of reading anything into it, you guys are close friends, so it's time to just talk about it. When you're not out spending money, that's when to talk about it. Tell her you're not comfortable with her paying so much and maybe blow it off as a "man thing" and tell her your pride won't take it or whatever, that you were raised to be a gentleman, whatever you're comfortable with. Tell her if it continues, it might even make you less likely to make plans because you'll feel like she'll pay when it was you asked her out.

 

My best guess is that if she was really feeling like maybe dating or changing the relationship, it would likely manifest in a more physical way. Like maybe she'd be acting a little giddy, and certainly seems like she'd be touching you even if it was only brief like on your arm or something. If there's no physical touch at all, that's a pretty clear physical boundary right there. But if she starts even unconsciously reaching out to touch, that could mean something, and you should just reciprocate. She touches your arm with her finger, you respond with words and also reach out and touch hers with your finger, that sort of thing.

 

Also, with women (I am one), clothing and how much trouble they've gone to with their hair and makeup says it all. Women can read this clearly, but most men seem unschooled on it and either like the way someone looks or they don't, which works too, I suppose. But if you see her wearing anything more feminine, or some new high heels or jewelry when she didn't before or showing even slightly more skin, there's hope she's dressing for you.

 

Hang in there. Don't be afraid to just talk to her. But be careful. It is hard to change a long platonic friendship into a romantic situation for most people. Instead of being married for some years and then the new wearing off and settling into a friendship, it's sort of like you started at this stage and it's hard to go backwards and recreate the excitement of getting to know someone.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write this, definitely good advice and things I wouldn't consider.

 

In the past we have taking turns paying for things. I know she almost always returns the favor if I happen to treat her for a meal or drinks. To me the recent spending is completely out of character. I guess she could really just appreciate that I have helped her get through her recent crisis, but never has she done that in the past. And for Xmas, going fro ~$45 to ~$150, its a big jump. I don't know, I could be reading into it too much for reasons you suggested. I could bring it up to her soon and also you gave me some good ways to make it seem like an innocent friendship related topic and nothing more.

 

She seems to always look nice around me, but that is probably just her. Unless we are doing something fitness or outdoor activity wise, she dresses nice and has make up on. And she always is like that around anyone from my impression. We talk or text a few times a week, we have two days a week we are either at the gym or playing racquetball together and we have a group of friends we often hand out with and see each other then. Nothing really has changed in that for months.

 

Regarding the physical boundary, its not there but it hasn't been there for awhile. She is always hugs me when she first seems me or is leaving, that's normal anyhow. She almost always puts her arm on my shoulder at some point when we are together but its been that way for awhile now. There is one thing that is odd and probably started a few months ago, it has only happened a few times. But twice recently. Occasionally if we are at a bar or out she has this thing where she asks me to hold her hand so she doesn't get hit on. Always found this weird esp that she does it now and she is single. I don't think she does that with her other friends.

 

The second part relating from going backward from platonic to romantic, I see a ton of threads on here are about issues people have with this. I think for this to work both people have to be 100% on board with it. If one person has any hesitation, I just think it wouldn't work. Which relates to how I am feeling about this, I am mixed. I like her personality, she's attractive and we get along extremely well. I am extremely comfortable around her and I do care for her. I think sparks could fly for me for her pretty easily. But we've been platonic and so open for years. Is it worth trying to move to intimacy and things failing and losing a close friend? I am 30 now, its hard to find friends of the opposite sex you can bond to this level at this age. Heck its even hard to find friends like that in general at this age. Sorry that is thinking out loud for you but hopefully you get the mixed idea now!!

 

I would only go this path though if that is what she wanted or intended. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. I do need to figure out how she is feeling on her end. And its kinda of hard because when you are friends for a long time, signals can either be lost in background of friendship noise OR misinterpreted entirely into something they are not.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Lex30

[Heracles]

I have one question for you Lex30:

What is more valuable to you; your friendship with her or a possible relationship?

[preraph]

I have an idea. Next time she wants you to hold her hand, don't let go. Tell her, "This feels right. I think I'll keep your hand" or something like that. See what she does. That might be her flirting. Maybe. But if she's doing stuff like that, just keep upping the ante a little. She touches your shoulder, you put your arm around hers. See how she reacts.