Dealing with judgement

[bethishere]

I have 3 children... My oldest is 5 1/2 years old, her father is my ex-husband. We split up a few months after she was born, divorce was finalized a month before she turned 3, he was in and out of her life that first year than gave up on it all. My son is 4, his dad was kind of my rebound relationship, we were together during my divorce process. We weren't together long but I got pregnant, he was somewhat involved until this past year when he started doing drugs and decided that was more important than being a dad. And I have a 2 month old daughter now. Her father and I were together for 2 years, had been living together for the second and had gotten engaged, then when I found out I was pregnant he left. I also found out he had been cheating on me with his ex-wife, he left me to go back to her, and she actually just had a son this past week with him.

 

This was obviously never my life plan. I didn't set out to get divorced, to have children with multiple men, have failed relationships, but here I am. I was a virgin until I was 20, and have been in three other relationships in my lifespan. One was for three years before I got with my ex-husband, one lasted two months, and now I am in another.

 

My family are very supportive and understanding (other than my youngest brother's girlfriend.) They aren't able to help out a lot as my mom is busy and my dad lives quite a bit away but emotionally they are very supportive. I have been dating my current boyfriend since May, he was my rock during this last pregnancy and has stepped into the father role to all three of my children. His mother took me in to the family without question but his dad doesn't seem to be much a fan of me because of my children situation.

 

I try not to let it get to me but sometimes it's a lot to deal with, and not just from him but other people who have given off that disapproving vibe when they find out... How would you handle this? Ignore it, confront it, explain?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

How would you handle this? Ignore it, confront it, explain?

 

Including this situation and from now on, do this: Think through your actions.

 

What I mean is, what happens with the confrontation? Best case scenario and likelihood/worst case scenario and likelihood/ most likely outcome. What happens if you ignore it? Best case/worst case/most likely?

 

Think through your actions and determine the best course of action.

[bathtub-row]

Just understand that the choices you have made will cause people to wonder about your character and your ability to exercise good judgment. I'll admit that if your bf was my son, I would have a big problem with him dating you. It would take time for me to be ok with the whole thing until you proved yourself. My first thought would be that you're going to entrap my son with yet another pregnancy.

 

I'm just curious as to why you talk about getting pregnant like it's something that can't be controlled, like a car came at you from nowhere and it was just an accident. You have heard of abstinence or birth control, right? These are people that you're bringing into the world, and it seems that you have no clue as to how to care for them or the magnitude of the responsibility you're taking on.

 

I'd say that at this point you're lucky to have found a guy who's ok with this situation. However, I'd advise you not to get pregnant again - at least until you and this new guy are married. Maybe then, the dad will come around.

[Gemma1]

My husband and I had an "accident" baby. But you can bet that 6 weeks after our son was born, I got an IUD. Near 100% effective birth control and I will NOT have another baby unless I really want one.

 

What kind of BC are you on now? Why didn't you get it after the first "oops"? I would also have a serious problem with you dating my son. There is just NO reason for anyone to be in your situation. You are just going to have to deal with the judgement and prove to everyone that you are a smart person who makes good decisions now. It's gonna be a lot of work but you just gotta suck it up and deal. I wish you the best!

Edited December 30, 2015 by Gemma1

[ShatteredLady]

Why do you have to explain to anyone other than very close relationships? My kids are all with my husband but no one knows. People just assume that Daddy is the father of the children.

 

When it comes to relationships obviously you have to tell & a man will either understand & love you or he won't.

 

You've been understandably beaten-up about your life choices so far....SO FAR! Please do better in the future!

 

I worry more about how you judge yourself than how others see you. Married men are MARRIED until the divorce is final (I'd still wait a year or so for them to grieve their marriage).

The fact that you have these children means you should be MORE decerning when it comes to men NOT less! You can live a happy life & raise well adjusted little people with self respect. I hope this guy is a good one. If not dump him & focus on your little family! No-more deadbeat men. No-more 'accidental' pregnancies.

[Lois_Griffin]

Obviously the OP has come and gone, but in case she does come back, I have to agree with some of the other posters in saying I wouldn't want my son involved with a woman who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different fathers, either.

 

 

You don't have to have a kid with every guy you get involved with. I've had several failed relationships too, but I didn't have a kid as a consolation prize from each one.

 

 

The really scary part is that it probably won't be long before you're pregnant yet again with this newest guy's kid. OP, get smart and have your tubes tied. Three kids is more than enough for a lifetime.

[turnera]

I would seek out an opportunity to explain to such people. Once they hear you, they should see your earnestness and how nice you are.

 

That said, I really suggest that you invest in a good therapist and start attending long-term, because it's clear you have a broken picker and that will be because of something in your FOO; if these people who you seek to gain acceptance from see you trying to improve yourself and learn why this turned out this way, they should be more amenable toward giving you a chance.