Jealous MIL...

[BettyDraper]

Hello everyone. I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in.

I'm a newbie so please be patient.

 

My MIL is a very jealous and hateful woman. She doesn't like it when her sons do anything kind for their wives. She also gets angry because our niece (Her only grandchild) gets too many gifts at Christmas time. Her latest beef is the fact that we "have too many bathrooms". Oh grow up, woman!

 

My beautiful little niece is an only child. Her mom had more than 4 miscarriage after having her and that was a huge disappointment because my BIL and his wife wanted another child. They lavish attention and gifts on their child at Christmas time. My niece is well behaved, very intelligent and does well in school, so I don't see what's wrong with parents giving their daughter the best. It's not like she's a brat. My niece also gets gifts from many other people including my husband and I. EVERY Christmas, my MIL rants about my niece getting too many gifts and says that some of her presents should be given away. She also tells my husband and I not to send anything to our niece but we do it anyway. What kind of crazy grandma begrudges her grandchild's presents at Christmas time?

 

There are many things that my MIL did not get from her marriage. She sees her DILs being treated like princesses and receiving gifts that she never received from my FIL. Because of that, she likes to make snide remarks about how her DILs are "too spoiled" and then she likes to rant about how we don't need certain things. I deleted most of my husband's family from my Facebook because they were reporting everything about my life to my MIL. When this happened, my MIL would complain to us about whatever we posted. Just to provide perspective, I never posted anything rude or inappropriate; I would occasionally post about going out for dinner or a minibreak. I posted these statuses to get feedback on where we were going from friends who went to the same places. We would get calls where my MIL would ask questions like "Why are you spending money on date nights?! You don't need to go out for dinner and you don't need to go away for the weekend! You're wasting money!!!" It was strange because my MIL doesn't even have Facebook.

 

We just bought our first home. It is not large but it has 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths. My MIL was foaming at the mouth about this because her house has 1 bathroom and she raised two boys in it. "You don't need that many bathrooms! That's too much! Why do you have such a big house?! I never had a house like that!" Our tiny townhouse is only a little over 1400 sq ft so it is hardly a McMansion. I'm sure that once we upgrade, my MIL will have a field day with that. I told my husband that his mom won't like it when we upgrade and he said "Who gives a ****? If she says anything, I will just remind her to keep her mouth shut if she cannot be happy for us. Sorry that my mom is so hateful.You're so polite when my mom acts crazy."

 

I'm glad that my husband stand up to his mom. He will tell her to mind her own business since we aren't asking her for money. My husband has also told her mom that her jealousy only makes her look bad in the end. I know that I can't change my MIL but I needed to rant about her nonsense.

Hope that someone will understand how I feel.

[d0nnivain]

My mom was a child of the depression. She worried about money all the time & said things to me like what you hear from your MIL. When the 2008 market collapse happened my mom's paranoia went into overdrive. She even wanted me to cancel my wedding.

 

 

When she says this stuff, just let it float on by. Let her say whatever she wants. Don't react. Don't respond.

 

 

Continue doing what you are doing & leave her be.

[BettyDraper]

I don't know if this is about financial sensibilities for my MIL; she was a post war baby born in 1949.

 

I think she's actually jealous because she always makes comparisons that end with "I never got that!"

 

I always let my husband handle his mother because I think that is best.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I get that kind of thing about my kids! "All children need is 4 outfits. 1 on them. 1 in the wash. 1 for spare & Sunday special!".

 

I used to try to explain that kids don't just get an apple & an orange in their Christmas stockings these days!!

 

When it comes to family pick your battles because you can't pick your relatives. No matter how I think or feel they're my husbands family. He can critique them just as I can confess that mine drive me nuts sometimes but it's rarely worth causing issues in your relationship over.

 

So....she's a bit of a jealous, bitter, old witch. My advise is 'suck it up & smile', go home & treasure your lovely family & spoil your little niece rotten

[BettyDraper]

I agree that I shouldn't cause marital issues over my MIL. I was venting here because I don't want to be in my husband's ear about his mother all the time. My husband isn't close to his mother at all because she was often verbally abusive to him growing up.

 

I'm told my others that my MIL actually loves me to death. Maybe it's because I call her to see how she is, I listen when she blathers about her health issues and I am gracious whenever she sends items for us...even when I don't like them. I do not talk back to my MIL either. She's just rather cantankerous and sulky about whatever she didn't get in life. This makes me feel sorry for her.

[StBreton]

I agree that I shouldn't cause marital issues over my MIL. I was venting here because I don't want to be in my husband's ear about his mother all the time. My husband isn't close to his mother at all because she was often verbally abusive to him growing up.

 

I'm told my others that my MIL actually loves me to death. Maybe it's because I call her to see how she is, I listen when she blathers about her health issues and I am gracious whenever she sends items for us...even when I don't like them. I do not talk back to my MIL either. She's just rather cantankerous and sulky about whatever she didn't get in life. This makes me feel sorry for her.

 

Maybe MIL needs a spa day so she feels like a princess:) Good bday give idea for her.

 

Boy if she were my MIL she'd completely freak about the gifts I get my kids. They're only young once...a little spoiled but humble at the same time...c'est la vie.

[Tayla]

glad you have some manners when speaking of your mil.

 

My dil is actually practical and realistic. She and I both agree that gifts are selective and useful. So the grandkids get money for college or placed in savings. They are not inundated with gifts. If anything we spoil them with fun times and quality gatherings. Time cannot be replaced or given back.

Its neither "old fashion" or frugal to give from the heart.

The richest man is the one who is hugged when nothing is in his hands.

It took along time to understand that things are never more important then the ppl who are in your life...

Your Mil has a mssg... and sometimes a bit of understanding can aide in simmering the boil.

[whichwayisup]

Your MIL is an unhappy person, she's negative, angry and depressed. ALL HER emotional baggage is hers, no one has done anything wrong so just ignore it.

 

Your H should sit down and have a talk with her, in a respectful way with his other siblings and hopefully some changes can be made. Boundaries have to be put in place otherwise this poor MIL one day will be alone on Christmas because nobody will want to be around her.

[BettyDraper]

glad you have some manners when speaking of your mil.

 

My dil is actually practical and realistic. She and I both agree that gifts are selective and useful. So the grandkids get money for college or placed in savings. They are not inundated with gifts. If anything we spoil them with fun times and quality gatherings. Time cannot be replaced or given back.

Its neither "old fashion" or frugal to give from the heart.

The richest man is the one who is hugged when nothing is in his hands.

It took along time to understand that things are never more important then the ppl who are in your life...

Your Mil has a mssg... and sometimes a bit of understanding can aide in simmering the boil.

 

If your DIL was not practical and realistic, would you step in and rant about how wrong she is? Why or why not?

 

I believe that parents should not offer unsolicited advice to their adult children because that is not their place. Messages about what is important in life do not need to be conveyed in a snarky and angry manner either.

I'm also wondering how the amount of bathrooms in her son's home, pertain to a message that my MIL has about what is important in life.

 

We usually buy my niece clothing or sometimes give her money. We assume that the money is put in savings for her but we don't ask as we don't think that's our business. We think that clothes are always practical since children grow like weeds.

 

I will always be polite to any members of my husband's family, particularly the older ones because that is how I was raised. Being rude and argumentative solves nothing.

[BettyDraper]

Maybe MIL needs a spa day so she feels like a princess:) Good bday give idea for her.

 

Boy if she were my MIL she'd completely freak about the gifts I get my kids. They're only young once...a little spoiled but humble at the same time...c'est la vie.

 

What a great suggestion! Unfortunately, my MIL doesn't like spa days. During one of her visits, I once asked her if she wanted to get her nails done as I was going to do the same. I thought it would be a nice treat. My MIL declined and then complained about nails being a waste of money. She also told me that I shouldn't be so high maintenance. I just smiled and said "Mom, we all do things that make us feel good. There's nothing wrong with people taking care of themselves." I really wanted to tell my MIL to mind her own business but I know that wouldn't have been helpful or well received.

 

I once gave her some simple earrings as a gift and she said thanks. The next time we spoke, my MIL mentioned that she has so much jewellery that she never wears. I took that as a sign not to give her any more gifts like that. She often says that she doesn't need anything so she doesn't want any presents from anyone. It's like my MIL is determined to be sour about everything.

[BettyDraper]

Your MIL is an unhappy person, she's negative, angry and depressed. ALL HER emotional baggage is hers, no one has done anything wrong so just ignore it.

 

Your H should sit down and have a talk with her, in a respectful way with his other siblings and hopefully some changes can be made. Boundaries have to be put in place otherwise this poor MIL one day will be alone on Christmas because nobody will want to be around her.

 

You're right. We live far away so it is easy to bypass my MIL's behavior.

It just comes out when we talk on the phone. Whenever we see my MIL, she usually has several negative comments to make. The next time we visit, my husband and I will be staying in a hotel; I have grown weary of the screaming rants and insults directed at my husband and I.

 

Your suggestion to have a respectful chat with my MIL would make perfect sense if we were discussing a reasonable person. My husband and his brother have tried having a rational discussion with my MIL in the past and it always led to her shouting.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're right. We live far away so it is easy to bypass my MIL's behavior.

It just comes out when we talk on the phone. Whenever we see my MIL, she usually has several negative comments to make. The next time we visit, my husband and I will be staying in a hotel; I have grown weary of the screaming rants and insults directed at my husband and I.

 

It sounds like you're on the right course. My late MIL, a great person in other ways, could never stop trying to foist her religious views on us, a subject which preoccupied her even more towards the end.

 

Sometimes you have to realize it's just about them, has very little to do with you. Out of respect for my wife, I was always pleasant and neutral with her as you are with your MIL. You're not going to change her mind, nor she yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

It sounds like you're on the right course. My late MIL, a great person in other ways, could never stop trying to foist her religious views on us, a subject which preoccupied her even more towards the end.

 

Sometimes you have to realize it's just about them, has very little to do with you. Out of respect for my wife, I was always pleasant and neutral with her as you are with your MIL. You're not going to change her mind, nor she yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is key. My husband doesn't like my mother either but he is always kind and loving to her for my sake.

 

I never wanted to change my MIL's viewpoints. I just wish she could be happy for her loved ones instead of being so bitter and jealous. Even when I don't approve of my in-law's actions, I certainly never express my concerns because I don't think that is appropriate. Nobody asked what I thought.

[LydiaLong]

Betty,

It sounds like your MIL may have some mental issues. At any rate, you can't do anything to change her, and there's no point in alienating her either. I think I would just smile or make jokes about things she complains about. Example, when she says you have too many bathrooms, you might say, "Oh I like having choices of where to pee." About the presents: "I don't think Sally will be spoiled by having a lot of presents."

 

I feel for you. She sounds very difficult, but maybe eventually she'll get used to your not backing down when she complains, which is probably her motive. Control.

[BettyDraper]

Betty,

It sounds like your MIL may have some mental issues. At any rate, you can't do anything to change her, and there's no point in alienating her either. I think I would just smile or make jokes about things she complains about. Example, when she says you have too many bathrooms, you might say, "Oh I like having choices of where to pee." About the presents: "I don't think Sally will be spoiled by having a lot of presents."

 

I feel for you. She sounds very difficult, but maybe eventually she'll get used to your not backing down when she complains, which is probably her motive. Control.

 

"I like having choices of where to pee" OMG :lmao:

I think that MILs often feel sad about being displaced by their son's wives, so they behave in an overbearing or difficult manner to feel important again.

 

My mother used to do the same until she realized that we would keep her at a distance if she didn't learn to mind her own. At least my mother doesn't have such a problem with a child receiving many Christmas gifts or her daughter's home having many bathrooms. In fact, I mentioned that bathroom comment to my mother and she thought my MIL was being silly.

[Anderlie]

Have you thought about the etiquette hell 'bean dip' method? Basically it boils down to whenever your MIL says something outrageous you can just make some non-committal comment and distract her attention eg 'how interesting, have you tried the bean dip? It's delicious.'

 

Obviously it doesn't have to be bean dip specifically but the point is to not reward her behaviour with the reaction she's craving. By being vague and changing the subject she stops having an audience for her rants and you resist being drawn in yet again. It sounds like you're on the right track but you have to really stick with it each and every time and be very firm.

 

Example;

 

'you spoil that girl with too many presents!'

 

'what an interesting assumption. Hasn't the weather been crazy this Christmas?'

 

'you do though! She doesn't need that many presents, it's a waste of money'

 

'we enjoy it. Can you believe it's so warm? I kind of wish it snowed but this is a nice change too.'

 

Repeat ad nauseum.

[BettyDraper]

Anderlie, I love that idea. It's a great way to redirect negativity.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm told my others that my MIL actually loves me to death. Maybe it's because I call her to see how she is, I listen when she blathers about her health issues and I am gracious whenever she sends items for us...even when I don't like them. I do not talk back to my MIL either. She's just rather cantankerous and sulky about whatever she didn't get in life. This makes me feel sorry for her.

She's obviously a very unhappy woman, so I think it's nice of you to be as amiable as you can. She probably feels very lonely, unhappy, and left out. The important thing is that your husband has good boundaries with her. I had a relationship with a guy who had a similarly miserable mother, but the difference was he didn't know how to handle her intrusions. That's an unlivable situation.

[BettyDraper]

She's obviously a very unhappy woman, so I think it's nice of you to be as amiable as you can. She probably feels very lonely, unhappy, and left out. The important thing is that your husband has good boundaries with her. I had a relationship with a guy who had a similarly miserable mother, but the difference was he didn't know how to handle her intrusions. That's an unlivable situation.

 

Absolutely. You can't be with someone who has an intrusive parent and is too afraid to stand up to him or her. I have a friend in that situation and it is awful.

 

No matter how kind her DILs try to be to her, my MIL is determined to be unhappy and sour. She isn't going to change so all I can do is keep being kind. When my MIL does something nice, I exclaim over it like she is a little kid who drew a picture. This makes her feel good and important. I've even invited she and my FIL to our home for a visit despite not wanting her negative energy around. She is my husband's mother and she raised the man I love to be a wonderful person, so I try to build the healthiest relationship that I can. This is not easy with someone who is not emotionally healthy.