How do I do this....

[Ziege]

My first post here. I'm sorry for the length but I figured I should probably lay out the information so that I am not making my husband look like the bad guy and me a saint. I am so far from being a saint.

 

My husband *Matt* and I met in college. He was 19 and I was 22. We quickly became engaged and were planning on marrying after we graduated college. Well that didn't happen, instead we got married the same year we met because I got pregnant. The week of our wedding I lost the baby in my 2nd trimester. Matt didn't cope very well with it in regards to how I was feeling. He would see me crying and would say he couldn't deal with that **** and then walk out of the room to go play a computer game. I became dependent on sedatives just to get through the days....it doesn't help I have bipolar and bpd either. We decided to try again after a couple of months and we became pregnant with our oldest around Easter the following year. The pregnancy was an absolute nightmare and in the end my heart actually started having issues due to all the complications. We had our son and I thought everything would be okay. I was wrong.

 

I had 2 more miscarriages before I got pregnant with our youngest. In the mean time we discovered our oldest is on the Autism Spectrum. At first he was non-verbal and had a melt down every single day. He was almost 4 when our youngest was born and by then he was finally talking and potty trained.

 

Fast forward. Matt lost his job and for FOUR YEARS he didn't work. I was on disability for the bipolar and bpd and had a few suicide attempts at that point because of how alone and crappy I was feeling about everything. If I tried to talk about it with him he'd shut down and give me his opinion...he wouldn't just listen to me. It was like he was forming a rebuttal the entire time I was talking. We separated and I had an affair with another man. Matt and I reconciled and moved with our kids to a different town. We moved again and now....well...we're miserable. He moved out last year for a few months and it felt like an all out war. He was living in the next state over with his parents and was furious I wouldn't let him take the kids there for weekends because he was refusing to sign any kind of custody agreement. I was protecting them and both of us. We ended up reconciling but he made it very very clear that I was in the wrong and I was on a very tight leash.

 

Ever since I've just wanted to crawl in a hole. We bring out the worst in each other all the time. He works nights and I work days, so we don't have to see each other that often. He doesn't really shower and brushing his teeth is maybe an every other week occurrence. He just doesn't care about hygiene at all. I take two showers a day and brush my teeth at least twice a day. Today we had our huge blow up and he called me a psychopath and when I said I wanted a divorce he said "Look at me face. Does it look like I care??" Nope. Not even a smidge. But he called me a psychopath in front of our kids. And mentioned I should just kill myself. I know he's angry. I know he's depressed. But I can't do this anymore....I just can't. Financially I am dependent on him and he owns the only car we have. He wasn't always like this....if he was I would never have married him or had children with him.

 

I honestly don't know what to do.

[turnera]

I assume you're working? Do you have health benefits? If so, use them to get an appointment with a psychologist or therapist and start attending. What you're missing is adult guidance. The two of you seem stuck in your teens, mentally, and that's no place for your kids to grow up.

 

Start going to therapy at least twice a month. I think you're now living apart, right? Keep it that way. Don't budge on letting him take the kids until he comes up with a legal separation so that you have guaranteed rights to your kids. Sounds like he has parents willing to fight for him while you have nobody. So stand firm and just wait him out.

 

If you're back together, let your therapist help you come up with a plan to leave him legally. Once you are apart, THEN you can show him what you would need to be willing to stay married to him, and then leave it up to him on whether he's willing to DO it; if not, you file for divorce.

 

And for God's sake, don't date AT ALL. Not a SINGLE coffee date, dinner date, don't even go for a WALK with another man. Not until you're legally divorced. Your H's parents probably have a PI hired to find dirt on you so they/he can get the kids. So you need to stay squeakly clean.

 

And besides, you don't NEED to be with any man right now. You need to learn to be ok by yourself, and your kids need you to be concentrating on THEM, not another man.

[Ziege]

I assume you're working? Do you have health benefits? If so, use them to get an appointment with a psychologist or therapist and start attending. What you're missing is adult guidance. The two of you seem stuck in your teens, mentally, and that's no place for your kids to grow up.

 

Start going to therapy at least twice a month. I think you're now living apart, right? Keep it that way. Don't budge on letting him take the kids until he comes up with a legal separation so that you have guaranteed rights to your kids. Sounds like he has parents willing to fight for him while you have nobody. So stand firm and just wait him out.

 

If you're back together, let your therapist help you come up with a plan to leave him legally. Once you are apart, THEN you can show him what you would need to be willing to stay married to him, and then leave it up to him on whether he's willing to DO it; if not, you file for divorce.

 

And for God's sake, don't date AT ALL. Not a SINGLE coffee date, dinner date, don't even go for a WALK with another man. Not until you're legally divorced. Your H's parents probably have a PI hired to find dirt on you so they/he can get the kids. So you need to stay squeakly clean.

 

And besides, you don't NEED to be with any man right now. You need to learn to be ok by yourself, and your kids need you to be concentrating on THEM, not another man.

 

We are still in the same house. The house belongs to my side of the family. I'm pretty clean, right now I am so exhausted from the constant eggshell walking and feeling like I am being interrogated I don't think I can even think straight. He has a snowball's chance in hell at getting custody of the kids. A month ago someone at our sons' school reported him to DCYF because our youngest made an allegation against him. Not to mention his work schedule makes it so that he is gone overnight 4 days a week. He also tends to forget to feed them lunch and/or breakfast if I am gone for the day. I come through the door and the kiddos are begging me for a snack or lunch. I ask what they had for breakfast or lunch and they say nothing. I ask Matt why the hell he didn't feed them and he says "They didn't ask for anything!!!"...they are 10 and 6. Go figure he managed to make himself something to eat.

I take meds for the bipolar and I have a therapist.

[Mr. Lucky]

He moved out last year for a few months and it felt like an all out war. He was living in the next state over with his parents and was furious I wouldn't let him take the kids there for weekends because he was refusing to sign any kind of custody agreement. I was protecting them and both of us. We ended up reconciling but he made it very very clear that I was in the wrong and I was on a very tight leash.

 

After everything you'd been through to this point, what could have possibly motivated you to reconcile ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

Then ask your therapist to help you come up with a plan for divorce.

[Ziege]

After everything you'd been through to this point, what could have possibly motivated you to reconcile ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I was convinced it was my fault.....I was so angry and hurt over everything that has happened and I was just done. Completely done with it. Then I finally had a little mental breakdown from all the pressure coming from all sides that I said okay let's work things out. I just couldn't take the guilt anymore.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was convinced it was my fault.....I was so angry and hurt over everything that has happened and I was just done. Completely done with it. Then I finally had a little mental breakdown from all the pressure coming from all sides that I said okay let's work things out. I just couldn't take the guilt anymore.

 

Thanks, trying to understand your decision making process.

 

Hopefully, you now know that it's other peoples opinion and input but your life. Letting someone guilt you into something you know won't work for you is just delaying the inevitable and bowing to that pressure has cost you another year of your life.

 

For you to be happy and emotionally healthy, you know the right thing to do. I'd guess this is going to come down to self-belief, do you have enough faith in yourself to make this tough decision ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ziege]

Thanks, trying to understand your decision making process.

 

Hopefully, you now know that it's other peoples opinion and input but your life. Letting someone guilt you into something you know won't work for you is just delaying the inevitable and bowing to that pressure has cost you another year of your life.

 

For you to be happy and emotionally healthy, you know the right thing to do. I'd guess this is going to come down to self-belief, do you have enough faith in yourself to make this tough decision ???

 

Mr. Lucky

I do I think. I spoke to my mom last night and she and her husband were very very supportive. They won't speak ill of Matt but they aren't his biggest fans either. We discussed love language and how the communication has pretty much been demolished by the kool-aide man. I have a few very close friends that are rooting for me and giving me so much support I can't help but know I'm not alone.