I got dumped for her ex-boyfriend

[Tom01]

Has anyone had or have known any experiences of this happening? Where the dumper has gone back to their ex after being in a rebound relationship, then realized the rebound guy was actually better?

 

I've seen a few posts brushing over this topic but never actually discussing it, it would be interesting to see if anyone has an experiences of this?

 

I'm sure a few people are wondering as they are currently on the receiving end of being dumped for the other persons ex. I most certainly am.

[Amelie1980]

I was. He got back with his ex but I didnt know. he cheated on me with his ex while telling me he was single and then she dumped him and he strung me along until he found someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not to be totally harsh man, but she knows herself, her desires and needs better than you do. You are not respecting her choice to end it if you again try to get her to see you. She was clear. Sending that text will make her uncomfortable and could potentially irritate her. What if she then blocks you altogether? What if she shows it to her boyfriend and complains that you won't leave her alone, and he contacts you? Save you dignity, OP.

 

Don't worry about the what-ifs for a future together. Because I promise she's not. If she wants to talk to you, she will. She's done it before, she knows where you are if she is interested in reconnecting. You already told her you were there. I'm sure she understood you the first time.

 

For your own sake, leave her be now. Clinging on to something that was just a few weeks old is a sign you need to be more cautious and read the warning signs more carefully in the future. She's a teenager and clearly has no idea what she's doing when it comes to relationships. Don't get yourself further in the hole here.

[Tom01]

Not to be totally harsh man, but she knows herself, her desires and needs better than you do. You are not respecting her choice to end it if you again try to get her to see you. She was clear. Sending that text will make her uncomfortable and could potentially irritate her. What if she then blocks you altogether? What if she shows it to her boyfriend and complains that you won't leave her alone, and he contacts you? Save you dignity, OP.

 

Don't worry about the what-ifs for a future together. Because I promise she's not. If she wants to talk to you, she will. She's done it before, she knows where you are if she is interested in reconnecting. You already told her you were there. I'm sure she understood you the first time.

 

For your own sake, leave her be now. Clinging on to something that was just a few weeks old is a sign you need to be more cautious and read the warning signs more carefully in the future. She's a teenager and clearly has no idea what she's doing when it comes to relationships. Don't get yourself further in the hole here.

 

Deep down, I know you're right. The adult in me knows that if she wants to contact me, then she will. But maybe due to my inexperience in new relationships, there's still a part of me that thinks what if I can play the long game with her again, start texting her casual things, funny reminders of what we did together, then maybe progress it further, but that clearly runs the risk of her not replying, and me being back to square one with regards to NC and healing. I dunno man, I'm so confused and still hurt. He's no good for her, I know it. He was tweeting about how he was on a dating app 4 days prior to them getting back together ffs, and that he "needed a womans touch". How can she not see past his BS?

[Draper]

I'm sure it happens but honestly man, you should never want to be with someone who leaves. Not to mention someone who leaves you for someone else. Not to mention someone who leaves you for an EX.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I would try to move on regardless of whether there is a chance they come back or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Deep down, I know you're right. The adult in me knows that if she wants to contact me, then she will. But maybe due to my inexperience in new relationships, there's still a part of me that thinks what if I can play the long game with her again, start texting her casual things, funny reminders of what we did together, then maybe progress it further, but that clearly runs the risk of her not replying, and me being back to square one with regards to NC and healing. I dunno man, I'm so confused and still hurt. He's no good for her, I know it. He was tweeting about how he was on a dating app 4 days prior to them getting back together ffs, and that he "needed a womans touch". How can she not see past his BS?

 

She's immature, too.

 

Trust me, when I was a girl her age, I made silly choices too. I used my heart and not my head. I dated guys I shouldn't have. And I was not ready for a commitment.

 

Let's assume for a moment she comes back someday. Imagine how insecure you will be in that relationship, given her flaky history. Knowing you were The Back-Up Plan. She needs time to properly heal from her ex/bf before she'll be ready for anything with you anyway. And she's so young that it's unlikely she would be The One anyway, to be honest. Don't wait around for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Deep down, I know you're right. The adult in me knows that if she wants to contact me, then she will. But maybe due to my inexperience in new relationships, there's still a part of me that thinks what if I can play the long game with her again, start texting her casual things, funny reminders of what we did together, then maybe progress it further, but that clearly runs the risk of her not replying, and me being back to square one with regards to NC and healing. I dunno man, I'm so confused and still hurt. He's no good for her, I know it. He was tweeting about how he was on a dating app 4 days prior to them getting back together ffs, and that he "needed a womans touch". How can she not see past his BS?

 

oops, double-post!

[Blanco]

But maybe due to my inexperience in new relationships, there's still a part of me that thinks what if I can play the long game with her again, start texting her casual things, funny reminders of what we did together, then maybe progress it further, but that clearly runs the risk of her not replying, and me being back to square one with regards to NC and healing. I dunno man, I'm so confused and still hurt. He's no good for her, I know it. He was tweeting about how he was on a dating app 4 days prior to them getting back together ffs, and that he "needed a womans touch". How can she not see past his BS?

 

If she could be swayed by memories of a two-month relationship, then just imagine what could be done when presented with memories of a four-year relationship.

 

You absolutely shouldn't be in communication with her right now, nor should you have any knowledge of what she's doing (or her boyfriend is doing) on social media. It's OK you're inexperienced with relationships. That's all the more reason to trust those of us who are saying that you just need to let this one go, because you'll only be extending your anguish if you keep thinking you'll win her back over.

[Tom01]

If she could be swayed by memories of a two-month relationship, then just imagine what could be done when presented with memories of a four-year relationship.

 

You absolutely shouldn't be in communication with her right now, nor should you have any knowledge of what she's doing (or her boyfriend is doing) on social media. It's OK you're inexperienced with relationships. That's all the more reason to trust those of us who are saying that you just need to let this one go, because you'll only be extending your anguish if you keep thinking you'll win her back over.

 

Thank you for your replies, they really do comfort me when I read them. But that's the problem, there's no lasting feeling of comfort or control and this is what's killing me. I went to sleep last night feeling slightly okay, but woke up this morning completely thinking of her.

 

It's like I want answers. Why doesn't she want me? I was nothing but good to her, the way she laughed at my jokes, I knew she was happy when she was with me. You say she's confused, but is she? In the back of my mind I hope she is, then that leaves some window of opportunity for her to realise what potential we both had together and maybe she'd persue it. It's the thought of her NOT being confused which hurts. That she knows she's made the right decision in going back to her douchebag of an ex.

 

I just feel like I'm stuck with no way out. I'm tired of feeling like this, it takes up so much energy and I can't stop it. I know you said it was only 2 months, but that has no reflection on how well we got on, and that spark we felt.

 

Day 2 of NC, and I'm feeling like I'm about to break it.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to give yourself a lot more time to move on. You can't expect to feel better already - it takes time. You've only been NC for 2 days. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

[Blanco]

I'm not trying to marginalize how you're feeling, but you are surrounded by people here who have gone through or are going through situations similar or much, much worse than yours. Every day, there are new threads from heartbroken people telling their story. People who have lost years of their lives to now-dead long-term relationships or marriages. People who have been cheated on, physically or emotionally abused or neglected; people who have children with people they are no longer with, and must now co-exist with for the sake of those children. Romance and love are awesome, but they yield as much widespread pain as just about anything out there.

 

And yet, most of these people learn to carry on with their lives. It's never simple. It takes effort, time, and often, re-identifying who they are as individuals.

 

We all sympathize with your pain, but please know that it is far from unique. Of course it's difficult. Don't take that as a sign that you should be trying to "fix" things between you two, because there's nothing to fix.

 

Right now, this girl feels bad about hurting you. She's being kind. I promise you that if you continue to reach out to discuss this matter, you will see that change.

[Tom01]

Yeah you're right, and I'm not trying to make it out like I'm the only one going through heart ache by any means, and every situation is very different, but also has elements that are the same too.

 

I'm a firm believer in fighting for what you want, but also in believing "what will be, will be". I'm just really struggling to choose one at the moment, I think that is why I'm hurting also.

 

Just to note, she still follows me on my social media accounts. Surely if she didn't really want any interest in me, she'd delete me just like I've deleted her?

[Nickr3023]

As I mentioned before in my story. Yes, my most recent ex had a back and forth with me. she went from me, to her ex husband, back to me, back her ex husband, then back to me again. I would HIGHLY suggest you DO NOT take this route. It is nothing but an emotional rollercoaster that will suck the life out of you. Here's the most important part to remember and I can tell you this with 100% certainty. Even if she does have an epiphany tomorrow and says oh my god I made a mistake, I need to go back.....this will be short lived. Because eventually she will need to grieve the loss of her 4 year relationship, and unfortunately it just can't be done while you're there and in a relationship with her. She will NEVER be able to fully commit to you while she's grieving the loss of her last relationship. This will eventually wear you down because for as much as you give give give and she takes takes takes.....you'll never get back what you put in and that will break you. Go back and read my story, read it 10 times, because you my friend are living it. The only differences are, she was married, and I have previous experience from a long term relationship.

 

Another thing...Blanco from what I've seen on these forums seems to be one of the most logical thinkers on here, and gives great advice. It may seem harsh, but he has a very good way of logically stating things, and sometimes logic and truth hurts. If you want to truly heal and move on with your life, listen to what everyone is telling you. I haven't seen one person say, yeah you should probably continue contacting her and bothering her, that will help you in the long run. The reason no one is telling you that is because it won't help, trust us. I woke up this morning and I had my own moment of weakness, and looked at social media through someone else's account. Now for all the steps I took forward, I went backwards a little bit. We all do it, but we're only hurting ourselves. Be strong and find other outlets. I started going to counseling a couple of weeks ago, and if you can afford it, or if your insurance covers it, I highly recommend doing it. It's basically taking the advice from this forum from neutral people, and giving you one person that you can trust who has the professional experience with dealing with these situations. Good luck Tom, you'd be very wise to listen to the advice you're given on here as it will be your first steps towards the road to recovery.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah you're right, and I'm not trying to make it out like I'm the only one going through heart ache by any means, and every situation is very different, but also has elements that are the same too.

 

I'm a firm believer in fighting for what you want, but also in believing "what will be, will be". I'm just really struggling to choose one at the moment, I think that is why I'm hurting also.

 

Just to note, she still follows me on my social media accounts. Surely if she didn't really want any interest in me, she'd delete me just like I've deleted her?

 

Two of my exes are still on my FB. I haven't actually spoke to either one of them for a long time now. They're just...there.

 

Don't read into that to give yourself false hope.

[Nickr3023]

Two of my exes are still on my FB. I haven't actually spoke to either one of them for a long time now. They're just...there.

 

Don't read into that to give yourself false hope.

 

I too am friends with 3 of my ex's on facebook and we talk semi-regularly.....but my long term relationship ex, of 9 years, we were NC for almost 2 years before I forgave her for cheating on me and breaking my heart. It takes a long time to heal before you become indifferent to whatever they do. She's getting married now, and it doesn't effect me even in the slightest.

[Tom01]

It's just not helping things for me really. I find myself uploading things on Snapchat, just to see if she's seen it, as an attempt to try and stay in her attention, or maybe in hope that she'll be reminded of the times we had. It's crazy I know but it's just so hard.

 

I'm still with the dilemma of fighting for what I want, and letting what will be will be. I know how "the best way to get someones attention is by not wanting it", but I'm scared if I do that, then she'll just move on without me, and I'll forever kick myself for not trying one last time. I hate the fact that it feels like I'm going around in circles here, and you probably feel like you're just repeating yourself, but this site, and you guys are the only thing that really listens to me and understands where I'm coming from.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's just not helping things for me really. I find myself uploading things on Snapchat, just to see if she's seen it, as an attempt to try and stay in her attention, or maybe in hope that she'll be reminded of the times we had. It's crazy I know but it's just so hard.

 

I'm still with the dilemma of fighting for what I want, and letting what will be will be. I know how "the best way to get someones attention is by not wanting it", but I'm scared if I do that, then she'll just move on without me, and I'll forever kick myself for not trying one last time. I hate the fact that it feels like I'm going around in circles here, and you probably feel like you're just repeating yourself, but this site, and you guys are the only thing that really listens to me and understands where I'm coming from.

 

You can't fight a war if the other side already resigned from the battle.

 

If there was a mutual interest in making it work and overcoming the challenges, it'd be different. But that isn't the case here. Hence why it would be a waste of energy.

 

You're not in danger of her moving on because she was never fully in. She had one foot out the door the entire time. If she didn't, she wouldn't have even considered her ex an option.

[Tom01]

...May I also add, that I, believe it or not, have been in this situation before. A was seeing a girl, she said things were moving too fast and needed space. Because I was so naive, I didn't give her that space. I texted her pretty much everyday asking her what I've done, to the point where I pushed her into another guys arms. She ended up blocking me on all social media and also blocking my number. As weird as it sounds, this was the moment when everything changed for me, purely because I knew there was literally nothing I could do now. She's still with that same guy now, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

 

What I'm trying to say is that, I feel I've learned in one sense to not vomit your feelings all over a girl when she finishes with you, as that only does the opposite of what you want to happen. The closest thing to me doing that in this current situation was me texting her after she ended things, saying I think we should at least give it a go again. But when she basically said that I'm wasting my time, I was gentlemanly about it replied with decorum. However if she knew I was still like this, and feeling this way, I think she'd freak.

[Nickr3023]

It's just not helping things for me really. I find myself uploading things on Snapchat, just to see if she's seen it, as an attempt to try and stay in her attention, or maybe in hope that she'll be reminded of the times we had. It's crazy I know but it's just so hard.

 

I'm still with the dilemma of fighting for what I want, and letting what will be will be. I know how "the best way to get someones attention is by not wanting it", but I'm scared if I do that, then she'll just move on without me, and I'll forever kick myself for not trying one last time. I hate the fact that it feels like I'm going around in circles here, and you probably feel like you're just repeating yourself, but this site, and you guys are the only thing that really listens to me and understands where I'm coming from.

 

Find a counselor, therapist, or someone that you can speak to. This forum is fantastic for getting your feelings out, but being able to speak to a professional that is neutral and experienced is extremely beneficial. Everything that you say, yeah we've all felt the same exact way. What if I do this, what if I did that, you can live the rest of your life with what if's. Again the biggest problem with this is the same problem I had.....you're hoping for a long term relationship with someone who is not emotionally ready to be in a long term relationship with someone else. Even if she chooses you, you're her 2nd choice, and you're a rebound. I sadly giggle to myself as I write that because that was me. I was the 2nd choice, and the rebound, and I refused to see it but in hindsight, it's exactly what I was.

[Tom01]

Find a counselor, therapist, or someone that you can speak to. This forum is fantastic for getting your feelings out, but being able to speak to a professional that is neutral and experienced is extremely beneficial. Everything that you say, yeah we've all felt the same exact way. What if I do this, what if I did that, you can live the rest of your life with what if's. Again the biggest problem with this is the same problem I had.....you're hoping for a long term relationship with someone who is not emotionally ready to be in a long term relationship with someone else. Even if she chooses you, you're her 2nd choice, and you're a rebound. I sadly giggle to myself as I write that because that was me. I was the 2nd choice, and the rebound, and I refused to see it but in hindsight, it's exactly what I was.

 

I haven't really got time for a therapist or anything of that nature due to my line of work. Plus I doubt I'd be able to afford it. It is interesting how you've pretty much been through what I'm going through though. At what point did the hurting become less, and the crying yourself to sleep stop? Because I need a sign, some kind of trigger that I can't seem to develop from myself

[ExpatInItaly]

I haven't really got time for a therapist or anything of that nature due to my line of work. Plus I doubt I'd be able to afford it. It is interesting how you've pretty much been through what I'm going through though. At what point did the hurting become less, and the crying yourself to sleep stop? Because I need a sign, some kind of trigger that I can't seem to develop from myself

 

You are going to be okay. I can promise you that.

 

My live-in ex-boyfriend of 7.5 years had an affair. That ended our relationship.

 

The ex after that was an emotionally and verbally abusive bully, who did little to hide the fact that he was unfaithful with multiple women.

 

But you know what? You do move on, sooner or later. Not after two days, not after two weeks or even two months. But you have no choice but to keep chugging forward and not give exes the power to steal your happiness.

 

I think the bigger issue here might be how much you're measuring your self-worth based on her choice to end it. You'll notice that you are wondering what you did wrong, what you can do to make her come back. But it's not about you. She wasn't in a place to be with anyone.

 

Once you stop assuming this rejection is all about you or your perceived flaws, you'll start to detach.

[Nickr3023]

I haven't really got time for a therapist or anything of that nature due to my line of work. Plus I doubt I'd be able to afford it. It is interesting how you've pretty much been through what I'm going through though. At what point did the hurting become less, and the crying yourself to sleep stop? Because I need a sign, some kind of trigger that I can't seem to develop from myself

 

I wish I had an answer to that. I'm at the 6 week mark of this breakup. And I still struggle at times. Some days I can think logically and see that she treated me poorly and I was never going to get back emotionally what I gave to her because she was grieving the loss of her marriage. Other days my emotions get the best of me and I miss her like crazy. My other relationship that ended after 9 years.....it took almost 2 years of NC to finally feel indifferent about her. The worst part of this type of healing is it's one of those things that doesn't flip on or off like a switch. It's something that you don't even notice is happening until a month or 2 down the road and you think, wow I haven't thought about so and so for a while. Don't try and fight the pain, accept it. I say this as a hypocrite unfortunately as I mask the pain with drugs. I don't advocate it by any stretch, but it's the only thing right now that makes me feel numb or normal. I know eventually I'm going to have to face the pain, but hopefully with time, it'll lessen.

[Tom01]

You are going to be okay. I can promise you that.

 

My live-in ex-boyfriend of 7.5 years had an affair. That ended our relationship.

 

The ex after that was an emotionally and verbally abusive bully, who did little to hide the fact that he was unfaithful with multiple women.

 

But you know what? You do move on, sooner or later. Not after two days, not after two weeks or even two months. But you have no choice but to keep chugging forward and not give exes the power to steal your happiness.

 

I think the bigger issue here might be how much you're measuring your self-worth based on her choice to end it. You'll notice that you are wondering what you did wrong, what you can do to make her come back. But it's not about you. She wasn't in a place to be with anyone.

 

Once you stop assuming this rejection is all about you or your perceived flaws, you'll start to detach.

 

How on earth did you find the strength to beg for them back? That's brutal, I just don't know how people do it to others. What did you do to try and block them out of your thoughts?

 

And everything you said there about me looking at what I can do to change it is right. Surely if I show/remind her of what she had in me, and show her I'm willing to fight, maybe that'll show her that I really do care, and the time we spent together wasn't in vain?

[Tom01]

How on earth did you find the strength to beg for them back? That's brutal, I just don't know how people do it to others. What did you do to try and block them out of your thoughts?

 

And everything you said there about me looking at what I can do to change it is right. Surely if I show/remind her of what she had in me, and show her I'm willing to fight, maybe that'll show her that I really do care, and the time we spent together wasn't in vain?

 

*To not beg for them back

[ExpatInItaly]

How on earth did you find the strength to beg for them back? That's brutal, I just don't know how people do it to others. What did you do to try and block them out of your thoughts?

 

And everything you said there about me looking at what I can do to change it is right. Surely if I show/remind her of what she had in me, and show her I'm willing to fight, maybe that'll show her that I really do care, and the time we spent together wasn't in vain?

 

It wasn't easy.

 

The long-term ex: I made a plan for myself to change my life. I decided to finally chase my dream and move abroad. (Moved here to Rome 3 years ago!) It gave me a constructive goal to work towards and bolster my self-esteem again. I never looked at him the same way after I found out, so there was no way in hell I wanted him back anyway. I made him leave our shared apartment the night i found out. I moved to Rome almost exactly 1 year later. I have zero contact with him today, though I do know (though a mutual friend) that he married to and had a baby with the "other woman"

 

The bully: I was so hurt by his behaviour that I cut him out completely. Deleted from FB, his number, etc. It echoed too closely to my previous experience, and I never looked at this man the same way either. He still tries to get in touch from time to time (he is local here) I do not respond.

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend now. It reminds me that there is more out there. Much more!