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I got dumped for her ex-boyfriend


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How on earth did you find the strength to beg for them back? That's brutal, I just don't know how people do it to others. What did you do to try and block them out of your thoughts?

 

And everything you said there about me looking at what I can do to change it is right. Surely if I show/remind her of what she had in me, and show her I'm willing to fight, maybe that'll show her that I really do care, and the time we spent together wasn't in vain?

 

I wish I had an answer to that. I'm at the 6 week mark of this breakup. And I still struggle at times. Some days I can think logically and see that she treated me poorly and I was never going to get back emotionally what I gave to her because she was grieving the loss of her marriage. Other days my emotions get the best of me and I miss her like crazy. My other relationship that ended after 9 years.....it took almost 2 years of NC to finally feel indifferent about her. The worst part of this type of healing is it's one of those things that doesn't flip on or off like a switch. It's something that you don't even notice is happening until a month or 2 down the road and you think, wow I haven't thought about so and so for a while. Don't try and fight the pain, accept it. I say this as a hypocrite unfortunately as I mask the pain with drugs. I don't advocate it by any stretch, but it's the only thing right now that makes me feel numb or normal. I know eventually I'm going to have to face the pain, but hopefully with time, it'll lessen.

 

Everyone else's stories seem so much worse than mine, it kind of makes me feel a bit embarrassed about the way I'm feeling and dealing with this.

 

I feel like I owe it to everyone on here to not message her, but honestly this is mentally the hardest thing I've ever had to do I think. I know it's a huge risk if I do, and the odds maybe massively against me, but I just don't know anymore. It's like I have an angel and the devil on my shoulders...

 

The angel is telling me to delete her number so there's no risk of messaging her, but the thought of not being able to contact her right now scares me.

 

The devil is telling me to message her, however I'm still unsure how exactly I'd go about it. To be honest with her, tell her that I know it's a bit weird but I've been thinking about her a lot recently, or to just try and spark up random conversation about something as an attempt to get her attention....

 

I feel like my head's in pieces...

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You don't owe anyone here anything. You owe it to yourself not to message her.

 

I think you're going to do what you're going to do. And as is the case with most people dealing with their first breakup, I think you're going to do the thing you know you shouldn't do.

 

Just know that you're, at best, positioning yourself to be friend zoned by staying in her orbit and hoping she comes around. At worst, you're going to finally irritate her enough with this stuff and she'll snap at you. Or, even worse, get her boyfriend involved.

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Everyone else's stories seem so much worse than mine, it kind of makes me feel a bit embarrassed about the way I'm feeling and dealing with this.

 

I feel like I owe it to everyone on here to not message her, but honestly this is mentally the hardest thing I've ever had to do I think. I know it's a huge risk if I do, and the odds maybe massively against me, but I just don't know anymore. It's like I have an angel and the devil on my shoulders...

 

The angel is telling me to delete her number so there's no risk of messaging her, but the thought of not being able to contact her right now scares me.

 

The devil is telling me to message her, however I'm still unsure how exactly I'd go about it. To be honest with her, tell her that I know it's a bit weird but I've been thinking about her a lot recently, or to just try and spark up random conversation about something as an attempt to get her attention....

 

I feel like my head's in pieces...

 

Certainly no reason to be embarrassed about your feelings. Your story is the worst thing to happen to YOU. That's all that matters. Yeah we all have stories, and yeah most of them are brutal and hard to hear. But no one will minimize how you feel, you can't control that. You're going through a difficult time, maybe the worst in your life, unfortunately it probably won't be the last time either. We all hope it is, but odds are better that you'll struggle through this again, and it'll feel like the world is falling apart. And you'll get through that too. No matter what you decide to do, I've found that people on here are usually pretty good about not saying "I told you so". People are going to go against advice they're given and they're going to go with whatever their gut or heart is telling them because sometimes we just don't have self control....and that's alright, just another human trait we all share at times. You don't owe us anything, you owe it to yourself. Don't be someone's second choice. I did it twice, and I was blindly thrilled that she came back to me.....but what did it really prove, that I was her fallback plan that would be there to catch her when she fell? All it did was give her the indication that she could do whatever she wanted to do, and that I would be there. And then she cheated, and that was that. She gets away scott free, and I'm left in shambles. Don't let it happen to you.

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You don't owe anyone here anything. You owe it to yourself not to message her.

 

I think you're going to do what you're going to do. And as is the case with most people dealing with their first breakup, I think you're going to do the thing you know you shouldn't do.

 

Just know that you're, at best, positioning yourself to be friend zoned by staying in her orbit and hoping she comes around. At worst, you're going to finally irritate her enough with this stuff and she'll snap at you. Or, even worse, get her boyfriend involved.

 

Did you read in one of my previous comments about a past break-up I had? It'd be interesting to have your point of view on that with regards to what's happening to me now.

 

Also, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if her boyfriend got involved, either verbally or physically. We live an hour away from each other, plus he's 5'8", 18 years old and about 70kg, I'm 6'4" and 90kg. I'm not being a douche about it either, I'm just not intimated at all.

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Did you read in one of my previous comments about a past break-up I had? It'd be interesting to have your point of view on that with regards to what's happening to me now.

 

Also, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if her boyfriend got involved, either verbally or physically. We live an hour away from each other, plus he's 5'8", 18 years old and about 70kg, I'm 6'4" and 90kg. I'm not being a douche about it either, I'm just not intimated at all.

 

I think his point is, if the boyfriend has to get involved verbally or physically.....you've overstepped your bounds into their relationship and you're completely in the wrong.

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Certainly no reason to be embarrassed about your feelings. Your story is the worst thing to happen to YOU. That's all that matters. Yeah we all have stories, and yeah most of them are brutal and hard to hear. But no one will minimize how you feel, you can't control that. You're going through a difficult time, maybe the worst in your life, unfortunately it probably won't be the last time either. We all hope it is, but odds are better that you'll struggle through this again, and it'll feel like the world is falling apart. And you'll get through that too. No matter what you decide to do, I've found that people on here are usually pretty good about not saying "I told you so". People are going to go against advice they're given and they're going to go with whatever their gut or heart is telling them because sometimes we just don't have self control....and that's alright, just another human trait we all share at times. You don't owe us anything, you owe it to yourself. Don't be someone's second choice. I did it twice, and I was blindly thrilled that she came back to me.....but what did it really prove, that I was her fallback plan that would be there to catch her when she fell? All it did was give her the indication that she could do whatever she wanted to do, and that I would be there. And then she cheated, and that was that. She gets away scott free, and I'm left in shambles. Don't let it happen to you.

 

That's my biggest problem right now I think, my self control vs what I want vs what I should do. I'm also worried that the longer I have NC for, the weirder it will be to her if I do get in touch and tell her where I'm at.

 

Like I said, I'm still so confused. I'm sorry if you feel like you're repeating yourself with me, but you guys are the only ones who listen to me right now...

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That's my biggest problem right now I think, my self control vs what I want vs what I should do. I'm also worried that the longer I have NC for, the weirder it will be to her if I do get in touch and tell her where I'm at.

 

Like I said, I'm still so confused. I'm sorry if you feel like you're repeating yourself with me, but you guys are the only ones who listen to me right now...

 

Here's the thing though....if she truly cared where you were at, she wouldn't have left you for her ex. I know that's difficult to hear, and it probably won't actually sink in for a while...but women like this don't really care all that much about anyone but themselves.

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I don't think the physical aspect of having her boyfriend intervene is the point. The point is that if it comes to that, you're totally finished with her and it would be rather humiliating to have an 18-year-old put you in your place.

 

I think you're probably going to message her. As someone else here said, you don't owe any of us anything. I would strongly advise against you doing so, as we know, but in the end only you can decide if that's in your best interest.

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Thought I'd give everyone a quick update, and what you guys think.

 

So I've deleted her number, but not after messaging her. Here's what I said:

 

"Hey Soph! Hope everything's ok. Can't sleep, as per I just wanted to wish you a good new year now as i'll forget to do it tomorrow when I'm blind drunk! But mainly it's a thank you for the good times, and I still stand by what I said, that we should've taken that risk. It's actually been quite difficult not talking to you for 3 days, almost like we had a break-up?! Anyway, a bit of advice you can take from this....please take the time to focus on yourself, and to make sure you're completely over someone before getting involved with someone else, as it's not fair, rebounds are not the answer. I hope I showed you how a girl should be treated, you deserve it. Don't let him take you for granted. Have a good 2016.... :) x"

 

I still feel slightly lost in all this, but I hope by doing this it will force me to move on

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Thought I'd give everyone a quick update, and what you guys think.

 

So I've deleted her number, but not after messaging her. Here's what I said:

 

"Hey Soph! Hope everything's ok. Can't sleep, as per �� I just wanted to wish you a good new year now as i'll forget to do it tomorrow when I'm blind drunk! But mainly it's a thank you for the good times, and I still stand by what I said, that we should've taken that risk. It's actually been quite difficult not talking to you for 3 days, almost like we had a break-up?! Anyway, a bit of advice you can take from this....please take the time to focus on yourself, and to make sure you're completely over someone before getting involved with someone else, as it's not fair, rebounds are not the answer. I hope I showed you how a girl should be treated, you deserve it. Don't let him take you for granted. Have a good 2016.... :) x"

 

I still feel slightly lost in all this, but I hope by doing this it will force me to move on

 

I hope you find the closure you're seeking; but really, true closure comes from you. In any case, let us know if and how she responds.

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Ok now I feel that was the worst decision ever, she replied saying she never wanted to make me feel that I was a rebound, and that she wishes me well in 2016. I feel an overwhelming need to contact her again to tell her how I still feel but now I can't. It's sending my anxiety through the roof. I feel completely and utterly exhausted. This has definitely been the worst holidays ever

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I am in a somewhat similar position, briefly dating a girl who left quite an impression on me but who would not give half as much in return and who has now got to the point where making concrete plans to meet is like trying to herd cats. She is fading out slowly and painfully. It feels so ridiculous to get so worked up so early, I think at one point I had what is termed 'limerence' - you might want to google it as there is some useful info out there on how to deal with it.

 

I also agree that waking up in the morning is the worst part of the day. For some reason I am most susceptible to these feelings when I am not quite totally focussed after opening my eyes. My first thought is sadness that I don't know where I stand with her then I grab my phone and see if she has messaged....but of course she hasn't.

 

I have now gone NC and I am really struggling to stick to it. I keep thinking that I should just send one more message just so I can be sure she knows how I feel...but then I find the confidence in myself to understand that she does know how I feel, so messaging her is going to do absolutely nothing to improve the situation. If she wants me she has to come to me.

 

What is helping me with my resolve is that I imagine her laughing with her friends about how she is so hot that she has me wrapped round her little finger and that I will prove it any second by texting her. Then I imagine that her friends start to make fun of her asking her why I haven't texted and she can't be that hot if she can't win this battle of wills with me. This train of thought does a brilliant job of making me put my phone back in my pocket ASAP!

 

It should be easy enough for you to come up with a similar scenario. Of course, its a leap of the imagination but then as you don't know what is going on in her head you may as well choose to believe whatever helps you get through this as quickly as possible. Ultimately, your sense of self-preservation not to be anybody's fool should be stronger than your desire to reach out to her.

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Ok now I feel that was the worst decision ever, she replied saying she never wanted to make me feel that I was a rebound, and that she wishes me well in 2016. I feel an overwhelming need to contact her again to tell her how I still feel but now I can't. It's sending my anxiety through the roof. I feel completely and utterly exhausted. This has definitely been the worst holidays ever

 

Yes, I anticipated she'd respond that way. I'm sorry you're hurting; this is exactly why we advised you not to do this.

 

You got an answer, albeit not the one you'd hoped. Go complete No Contact now. No more messages, no more peeks at her or her boyfriend's social media. It's done.

 

Give yourself a fresh start in 2016

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You're lucky she's sparing your feelings with her responses. Trust me, this will not last if you continue to reach out. And trust me that you will always feel the need to further explain something so long as you continue not to get the response from her you feel you want most.

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Just a quick update...

 

After 2/3 days of no contact, she messaged me wishing me a safe drive back down south for work. What should I make of it? Anything? It's just confused me all over again...

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ExpatInItaly
Just a quick update...

 

After 2/3 days of no contact, she messaged me wishing me a safe drive back down south for work. What should I make of it? Anything? It's just confused me all over again...

 

She feels guilty for hurting you and doesn't want you to hate her. She's just trying to be nice so she doesn't feel like the bad guy.

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No contact is the best way to deal with all of this. Ask her to stop contacting you.

Focus on your healing. Never seriously date a woman who just ended a long term relationship again.

Guard your heart so that you don't fall in love so quickly; real love takes time to develop.

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She feels guilty for hurting you and doesn't want you to hate her. She's just trying to be nice so she doesn't feel like the bad guy.

 

Do you not think that's her still showing interest in me at all? Surely if she wanted to move on with her ex and forget about me then she wouldn't of sent me that? I didn't reply by the way, so as far as I'm concerned it's still 4 days NC

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Do you not think that's her still showing interest in me at all? Surely if she wanted to move on with her ex and forget about me then she wouldn't of sent me that? I didn't reply by the way, so as far as I'm concerned it's still 4 days NC

 

No, it's an ego thing. She just wants to lessen her guilt. If you respond and act like everything is ok, it just makes her feel like less of a ****ty person because she knows, you're ok. Don't give her that. Choices have consequences, her choice to leave you is that she doesn't get to have you in her life at all.

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Do you not think that's her still showing interest in me at all? Surely if she wanted to move on with her ex and forget about me then she wouldn't of sent me that? I didn't reply by the way, so as far as I'm concerned it's still 4 days NC

 

Not really, no. Not in the way you're hoping, anyway.

 

I broke up with a guy once, and I knew he didn't want the break-up. I felt very guilty for hurting him. So I tried to toss an olive branch or two (much in the way she is doing right now) and I confess now that while I cared about his well-being I was mostly trying to relieve my own bad feelings of causing him pain. I was much younger and more immature then, and didn't understand this was giving him false hope.

 

Unless she actually tells you she made a terrible mistake leaving and wants to try again and will go full No Contact with her ex, don't read anything into it.

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Not really, no. Not in the way you're hoping, anyway.

 

I broke up with a guy once, and I knew he didn't want the break-up. I felt very guilty for hurting him. So I tried to toss an olive branch or two (much in the way she is doing right now) and I confess now that while I cared about his well-being I was mostly trying to relieve my own bad feelings of causing him pain. I was much younger and more immature then, and didn't understand this was giving him false hope.

 

Unless she actually tells you she made a terrible mistake leaving and wants to try again and will go full No Contact with her ex, don't read anything into it.

 

What if she does feel like she's made a mistake, but is too scared/embarrassed to tell me in fear of how I may react? I dunno, maybe i'm clutching at straws a bit, but I do find it odd as to why she would message me, but you're probably right. I really don't want to break NC because I know i'll be right back to square one again, but her saying that, as little as it was, has made me want to talk to her again :(

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What if she does feel like she's made a mistake, but is too scared/embarrassed to tell me in fear of how I may react? I dunno, maybe i'm clutching at straws a bit, but I do find it odd as to why she would message me, but you're probably right. I really don't want to break NC because I know i'll be right back to square one again, but her saying that, as little as it was, has made me want to talk to her again :(

 

That's exactly what a breadcrumb is. It's just enough of a taste to make you want the whole thing again. Don't fall into the trap as tempting as it may be. We've all done it, that's why we're warning you.....but once again, you're going to do whatever it is you want to do. Only thing I will tell you is that people on here are going to start getting slightly more hostile with you if you keep going against advice and just keep falling deeper and deeper into this hole. The reason everyone keeps telling you to ignore all of this, go NC, and start healing yourself is because we've all been in your same exact spot, and we all know the same exact result. You don't find it odd that you read all these different posts from people and you find yourself saying...."wow, this person is going through the SAME EXACT thing I'm going through." That's because even though every break up is different because everyone is different, the basis of all relationships and breakups are almost all the same universally.

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