Does the affair make the marriage better?

[oceansaway]

I've been reading a lot about this topic and was looking for input.

 

I am no longer the OW (I broke it off) but I was often told by MM how much I made his life bearable and was the only thing that kept him going. I guess after breaking it off I am (an always will) have questions and want answers.

 

So I was wondering if by having a OW/OM make a marriage better or more tolerable? Is it a escape from the day to day marriage issues...thus making home life better?

[gettingstronger]

I can't see how it would- how does deceiving your family make life with them more bearable? I know my husband got off on the ego stroke of it, so perhaps he made life with himself more bearable?

[purplesorrow]

My ex's affair didn't. It made him act like an azz. It led to our divorce.

[ladydesigner]

I've been reading a lot about this topic and was looking for input.

 

I am no longer the OW (I broke it off) but I was often told by MM how much I made his life bearable and was the only thing that kept him going. I guess after breaking it off I am (an always will) have questions and want answers.

 

So I was wondering if by having a OW/OM make a marriage better or more tolerable? Is it a escape from the day to day marriage issues...thus making home life better?

 

I think it only makes the M more bearable for the WS because they are getting their cake and eating it too. My WH treated me the worst I have ever been treated by him during his LTA.

[privategal]

Short term absolutely it makes it better in my opinion. Your in a bubble.

[WestEndGirl]

I think that an A either makes a M better or worse, but rarely does it stay the same. My MM told me that our R made his M and his life far more tolerable. Unfortunately, he's new at this: he didn't bother to hide his happiness, and that's how he got seriously busted. Sort of sad, when you think about it. His W knew there was something wrong in their M when he started acting happy ...

 

When my exH was cheating, our M was bad already. His A made things far, far worse. He was blatantly hostile, rude, dismissive, etc. He seemed to pick more fights, I noticed; went out of his way to criticize me. His girlfriend treated him well and gave him affection. I didn't. I think that the difference in treatment was so night and day, he realized how messed up things were between us.

 

If I had to tell you the difference between these two men, I'd have to say that my ex-H never suffered from lack of self-esteem, and MM did/does.

[oceansaway]

I feel they are (even if short term) living a fantasy by having mistress. Thus they are happier...thus day to marriage is more bearable.

 

I am finding strength by knowing he'll have to come back to reality without me. What that will really mean to his marriage is unknown...nor do I care anymore

[lemondrop21]

In my MM's case, yes. He said to me a couple months ago, "it's weird how things between me and w have evolved... It's strange because everyone's happier at home." Yes, thanks to me, dummy.

[WestEndGirl]

I dunno. I mean, As are painful for everyone involved. But so is having someone break up with you because they don't want to date you anymore. "Wrong" is subjective and relative to the quality of the M.

 

However, I do think that it does a disservice to a MP for OW/OM to give them what they are lacking in their M. If you make a choice, you need to stick with it, and if that means staying in a sexless, emotionally void M, that might be it. Want another life? Make a different choice.

[Lovetoohard]

In my case, I was definitely filling some kind of void for my MM. I think there was something lacking in his marriage as well as an inherent flaw in his character, a combination of which led to the A. He never really said anything negative about his wife directly to me, but we had a couple of mutual friends/coworkers that inferred things about his marriage based on some not so positive things he said about his personal life. he also had some general complaints about the lack of teamwork with managing finances, not feeding the kids healthy stuff, not packing him lunch (to save money and be healthy), etc. Also, I am the total opposite of his W, both with respect to personality and physically, and while he never explicitly compared his W with me, he often made comments about how different I was from anything he's known his whole life. I often pushed him to be adventerous and step outside his comfort zone and live life to the max and he had a ton of first time experiences with me.

 

I dont know how this translated to his life at home. Based on the W calls he took while I was right there, I often witnessed an impatient and hostile tone towards her. He would often make time for me on date nights if I planned something. He even blew off mothers day to be with me. I think he viewed his time at home as an obligation, and often told me that. The only time his eyes would light up was when he would talk about plans with his kds. In short, I dont think the A helped his M. If anything, he was in pretty deep even though I dont think he had any real intentions of leaving anytime soon because he is a coward. He had a pretty hard time letting me move on because I was his crutch. My guilt and the concern for my own future and well being led to my breaking it off. I hope it led xMM back to his W and to recommit to his vows and maybe add a spark into their M, but knowing him, it will only be temporary.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Friskyone4u]

It makes his marriage better. And more bearable.

 

He doesn't have to do anything to repair it and still had you for sex. So he can shut off his wife and fill the void with you.

 

Not exactly what makes a marriage better, and even if it is true, where does that leave you long term????

 

You did the right thing. Stick to it.

[Akashsingh]

I agree , you need to find someone who is available for you long term.... not a short term high. Affair is like getting high on drugs. Its surreal.

[Popsicle]

During the A, It's impossible that it makes it better, but not impossible that it makes it worse.

 

It's mostly just delicious escapism, which makes most people happy, and is extremely common, albeit most people don't do it by having an A.

[Cymbeline]

I guess it depends upon the personalities in and the state of the marriage. Time and emotional investment is diverted from the marriage and children and if guilt is a factor, that makes the WS behave badly in order to justify things.

 

In our marriage, distance was created that I put down to work stressors, but eventually, as emotional investment rose and the AP wanted more, my WH became critical and disengaged. The aftermath, when he had to sort out his feelings and look hard at his actions, was particularly awful.

[waterwoman]

No, in a word.

 

IMO if any spouse is so unhappy in the marriage that they need an A to make it bearable, they have no business remaining married.

[oceansaway]

I guess I meant to say that a affair makes day to day life better for the MM. Not that a affair can repair a marriage and make it better.

 

I'm just thinking that the MM is happier having a distraction thus making the marriage bearable

[Midwestmissy]

I think it makes avoiding ones problems bearable - the cheater gets the benefit of 2 relationships but the bs gets pieces of a marriage and is expected to not complain. I was like a wife appliance during the affair.

 

The affair made my wh's problems (his personal issues) much much bigger and more complex. His ap just supported his avoidance of them. Had she genuinely cared, she would have supported dealing with them. But she just wanted to keep him in any form, so avoiding his problems was avoiding me, which benefitted her.

 

I was the bad guy because I tried to get him to face what was wrong, to which he replied "nothing is wrong with me except you" and run back to the ap.

 

Both my wh and the ap were self serving, which is why the affair ended after a few months. And he hasn't had contact with her in 18 mos, yet she continued to call. I compare them to those chocolate Easter bunnies with nothing inside, just a tempting exterior. But as my wh says, even her exterior wasn't the tempting part, it was more about how she mirrored back everything he said to her in order to look like they had so much in common. Which made him feel wanted and special. Bear in mind I was feeling neither at that time.

[purplesorrow]

The affair made my ex depressed and angry. It carried over into every area in his life. He was usually outgoing and charming. His friends and family noticed the drastic change and his work suffered. I took him to so many doctors because I was so worried about him. He still struggles with what he did three years later. I guess the double life didn't suit him.

[Midwestmissy]

Purplesorrow, same here. Except when I told him he was acting cruel and bizarre and evasive, he told me I needed the psychiatric help. He thought the ap was his safe haven from all the badness at home, so he used her. And because he viewed himself as an intelligent leader of industry and she was an uneducated yes-man, he never thought she could use him. Or that he wasn't the only one. He had the most $$ (in her view), so she complained about her m to him to let him know she'd leave for my wh.

 

We go over their interactions a lot and he can't believe how blatant her actions now seem. Like she always called with a work issue after he'd been with me for a weekend or longer - he now sees that she needed to break any reconnection we may have had. He says he took the calls so she'd know he wasn't leaving his marriage and would tell her where we'd been, etc, but he just gave her the tools to dig in deeper. what they had in common was self loathing, no self respect and an inability to see past their own noses. Which is fine when you're 12, but these were 2 married 50 yr olds with 7 kids between them, both breadwinners. I guess she encouraged him to ignore the shame of his behavior. He said her go-to line in hotels was "this doesn't make us bad people". He's very ashamed of what he did, and as her boss, he's more responsible, but I think he's very embarrassed that someone he viewed as intellectually inferior to him was able to manipulate him.

[Miss Clavel]

Purplesorrow, same here. Except when I told him he was acting cruel and bizarre and evasive, he told me I needed the psychiatric help. He thought the ap was his safe haven from all the badness at home, so he used her. And because he viewed himself as an intelligent leader of industry and she was an uneducated yes-man, he never thought she could use him. Or that he wasn't the only one. He had the most $$ (in her view), so she complained about her m to him to let him know she'd leave for my wh.

 

We go over their interactions a lot and he can't believe how blatant her actions now seem. Like she always called with a work issue after he'd been with me for a weekend or longer - he now sees that she needed to break any reconnection we may have had. He says he took the calls so she'd know he wasn't leaving his marriage and would tell her where we'd been, etc, but he just gave her the tools to dig in deeper. what they had in common was self loathing, no self respect and an inability to see past their own noses. Which is fine when you're 12, but these were 2 married 50 yr olds with 7 kids between them, both breadwinners. I guess she encouraged him to ignore the shame of his behavior. He said her go-to line in hotels was "this doesn't make us bad people". He's very ashamed of what he did, and as her boss, he's more responsible, but I think he's very embarrassed that someone he viewed as intellectually inferior to him was able to manipulate him.

 

your poast made my day.

[Miss Clavel]

I feel they are (even if short term) living a fantasy by having mistress. Thus they are happier...thus day to marriage is more bearable.

 

 

i agree. regardless if you are married or not, any time you start an affair, it makes you feel good. you feel alive. if you are physically attracted to the AP and the sex is good, it carries over to the feeling that life is not only good, but that life has possibilities.

[JamesM]

Yes, for the WS.

 

Why? Because he (or she) now has some excitement in a rather drab life. Now he can leave a marriage that may be sexless or emotionally distant to go to someone who cares about him. And let's not forget, he can be a new him for his AP and keep his many faults hidden. She may think she knows him, but she still only knows what he reveals. She waits for him like a sex kitten and is always ready to satisfy him.

 

His wife on the other hand, is boring, not interested in sex, at home eating bon bons when he gets home. After a long day of perhaps working herself or taking care of children, she isn't waiting at the door in lingerie and a sexy look on her face.

 

And his marriage? It is less happy in many ways even though for now it seems happier. What he doesn't realize is that he is escaping from the work of trying to rebuild or fix his marriage if it even still possible.

 

IMO adding an affair to a broken marriage may make the marriage better in the short term, but the day will come when he wakes up and realizes that instead of having one complicated relationship, he now has two.

[ladydesigner]

IMO adding an affair to a broken marriage may make the marriage better in the short term, but the day will come when he wakes up and realizes that instead of having one complicated relationship, he now has two.

 

Totally this is what happened with my WH, although it is his fault the A went on as long as it did.

 

I know even during my own A when I was a MOW I was not happy with the dynamic of having 2 relationships, and both being complicated.

 

So true!

[Midwestmissy]

There's also the issue of the affair goggles making the free p***y at work on the way to the water cooler seem like a sex kitten. When she's really a 50 yr married serial cheater mother of 4, lol.

[Brandyundercover45]

I've been reading a lot about this topic and was looking for input.

 

I am no longer the OW (I broke it off) but I was often told by MM how much I made his life bearable and was the only thing that kept him going. I guess after breaking it off I am (an always will) have questions and want answers.

 

So I was wondering if by having a OW/OM make a marriage better or more tolerable? Is it a escape from the day to day marriage issues...thus making home life better?

The answer is a resounding yes. Honestly I'm happier after I see my OM. When I come home and see my husband, I'm always glad to be back "where I belong" sota speak. Does that make me a bad person, some on this thread seem to think so. But my husband even commented that we've been in a "good place lately". I've been officially sleeping with (was only emotional cheating at first) my OM for a few months and I know I'm less irritable and snappy to my husband because of it. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right... right now. I know it can't last forever, but for now, it works.