Does the affair make the marriage better?

[ladydesigner]

The answer is a resounding yes. Honestly I'm happier after I see my OM. When I come home and see my husband, I'm always glad to be back "where I belong" sota speak. Does that make me a bad person, some on this thread seem to think so. But my husband even commented that we've been in a "good place lately". I've been officially sleeping with (was only emotional cheating at first) my OM for a few months and I know I'm less irritable and snappy to my husband because of it. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right... right now. I know it can't last forever, but for now, it works.

 

Just curious, do you have any feelings for your BS or is most of your attention towards your AP? I'm always surprised to read the WS's that say their M's are in a good place during the A. Do you think you are just able to compartmentalize better?

[Brandyundercover45]

In my case, I was definitely filling some kind of void for my MM. I think there was something lacking in his marriage as well as an inherent flaw in his character, a combination of which led to the A. He never really said anything negative about his wife directly to me, but we had a couple of mutual friends/coworkers that inferred things about his marriage based on some not so positive things he said about his personal life. he also had some general complaints about the lack of teamwork with managing finances, not feeding the kids healthy stuff, not packing him lunch (to save money and be healthy), etc. Also, I am the total opposite of his W, both with respect to personality and physically, and while he never explicitly compared his W with me, he often made comments about how different I was from anything he's known his whole life. I often pushed him to be adventerous and step outside his comfort zone and live life to the max and he had a ton of first time experiences with me.

 

I dont know how this translated to his life at home. Based on the W calls he took while I was right there, I often witnessed an impatient and hostile tone towards her. He would often make time for me on date nights if I planned something. He even blew off mothers day to be with me. I think he viewed his time at home as an obligation, and often told me that. The only time his eyes would light up was when he would talk about plans with his kds. In short, I dont think the A helped his M. If anything, he was in pretty deep even though I dont think he had any real intentions of leaving anytime soon because he is a coward. He had a pretty hard time letting me move on because I was his crutch. My guilt and the concern for my own future and well being led to my breaking it off. I hope it led xMM back to his W and to recommit to his vows and maybe add a spark into their M, but knowing him, it will only be temporary.

I think it's interested, and important, for people to not pretend the marriage is bad to justify cheating. Clearly something is missing otherwise you're cheating just to be doing it because you can. I told my OM way in the beginning, we aren't turning this into a "spouse bashing" convention. I wouldn't respect him if he bad mouthed her just to get some tail. I told him I wouldn't pretend to be unbearably unhappy at home and I don't want him to either. We married these people so they can't be all bad. I've met his wife several times (in fact found out by accident that she's cousins with my best friend's new husband...this was before the A began) and he's met my husband (same instance, at my friend's wedding). Anyway, we made a deal never to talk about them at all really. They are not apart of our relationship whatsoever. Not that we avoid saying their names, I'll say "my husband" if there's something I have to say about him. And he'll say "the wife". Otherwise, it's just us in our "bubble" as some else said.

[Brandyundercover45]

Yes, for the WS.

 

Why? Because he (or she) now has some excitement in a rather drab life. Now he can leave a marriage that may be sexless or emotionally distant to go to someone who cares about him. And let's not forget, he can be a new him for his AP and keep his many faults hidden. She may think she knows him, but she still only knows what he reveals. She waits for him like a sex kitten and is always ready to satisfy him.

 

His wife on the other hand, is boring, not interested in sex, at home eating bon bons when he gets home. After a long day of perhaps working herself or taking care of children, she isn't waiting at the door in lingerie and a sexy look on her face.

 

And his marriage? It is less happy in many ways even though for now it seems happier. What he doesn't realize is that he is escaping from the work of trying to rebuild or fix his marriage if it even still possible.

 

IMO adding an affair to a broken marriage may make the marriage better in the short term, but the day will come when he wakes up and realizes that instead of having one complicated relationship, he now has two.

So, so true.

[Brandyundercover45]

Just curious, do you have any feelings for your BS or is most of your attention towards your AP? I'm always surprised to read the WS's that say their M's are in a good place during the A. Do you think you are just able to compartmentalize better?

Hmmm, very good question. I think I do compartmentalize very well. I'm an auditor and couldn't get through a day's work without compartmentalizing I suppose. But the affair itself has always been compartmentalized on its own I think, I didn't have to do anything to make it so. It's just easy. No whining, no tears, no ultimatums, no demands. He's doesn't call me or text or facebook me constantly and I don't do that to him either. Our time is our time, and when we're apart, we're apart. I think looking at it, the reason it's so easy is I'm not over-the-heels in love with him, and he's not making me grand promises he's never going to keep. I enjoy being with him, I love him (we used to date in our 20s and there were plenty tears then, seems I spent a good two years chasing him and weeding through other women to be with him, and at this time in my life I no longer need to do that). I believe that's the reason he was the perfect person for me... I knew him, I was comfortable with him and I knew I'd never want to leave my husband for him. So I can be carefree and easy with him in a way I can't be - totally - with my husband. And I think the same is true for him. Someone on here said something to the affect of "as long as the affair is easy, no requirements no personal demands, it's always good. But as soon as it requires anything from him (it was directed from a man's point of view) then he'll find a way out". I think that's true of most affairs. I wouldn't be involved in an affair that was an emotional roller-coster of tears and make ups. I don't have the stomach for it anymore. I've been the emotionally needy OW, I like this mutual footing better.

 

I think that answers your question. Thanks for asking, that made me think about it for a minute.

 

Oops, didn't see the part about my BS. I guess because I don't consider him as being betrayed. I am in the sense of the vowels we took, but I'm not intentionally trying to hurt him either. I do love him. If I didn't love him, I would leave him. Leaving him would be harder for us both.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Brandyundercover45

[JamesM]

But my husband even commented that we've been in a "good place lately".

 

 

I can't help but imagine me saying that to my wife while not knowing that the reason is because she has given her heart and body to another man. Here I am thinking that WE are better when we are actually farther from better than we had been.

 

I understand what you are saying, Brandy. I know that having the needs fulfilled that were once causing your marriage problems is good for you. I really get that. So not taking aim at you at all.

 

Hopefully this will work out for you AND your husband.

[Brandyundercover45]

I can't help but imagine me saying that to my wife while not knowing that the reason is because she has given her heart and body to another man. Here I am thinking that WE are better when we are actually farther from better than we had been.

 

I understand what you are saying, Brandy. I know that having the needs fulfilled that were once causing your marriage problems is good for you. I really get that. So not taking aim at you at all.

 

Hopefully this will work out for you AND your husband.

Well for the marriage to be in a good place, both people have to work at it. If as your wife I'm telling you I'm not being fulfilled and it's something you can do and should do to fix it and you don't, then how can you take credit for the fact that it's all of a sudden (in your mind) fixed? Like magic, the marriage fairy sprinkled us with happy dust and now all is well. Thank you for not taking an aim, I do see what you mean as well. If my husband told me, repeatedly, that he was unhappy that I don't cook (I don't cook) and it got to be a major problem in our marriage, then I can take one of two actions: I can stand my ground and say "hey you knew I didn't cook when you married me, deal with it." Or I can get out a cookbook, take a cooking class and learn how to make my husband happy by cooking. I've said to my husband I was emotionally starved for affection. Ive cried, I've begged and talk for the last 5 years. He changes for a day, and then it's back to usual. He's not cruel or mean to me, we have a good life, but that one part is lacking and he can't or won't fix it. Granted, there's no cookbook for being affectionate. So he'd have to dig deep to find it within himself. So yeah, he's as much to blame for this affair as I am.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Brandyundercover45

[JamesM]

I've said to my husband I was emotionally starved for affection. Ive cried, I've begged and talk for the last 5 years.

 

I do get it. Put the word sexually instead of emotionally, and you have our marriage. My wife would tell you that overall we are doing good too because SHE is getting her emotional needs met. And honestly, I am too. She knows we don't have sex much if at all anymore. We do have spurts where she realizes that maybe she should do something. Surprisingly she may even enjoy it. To her sex is not as important, so not having it doesn't really hurt the marriage.

 

But take out the sex and you simply have two great roommates raising children together. Hence, why I know what you mean and would not take aim at you for your choice.

 

Now if I were to quit taking the time to talk to her and "emotionally starved" her...THEN she would think our marriage was bad.

 

 

 

Sadly, I don't need the emotional connection so an affair simply becomes another relationship that would need work.

[ladydesigner]

Hmmm, very good question. I think I do compartmentalize very well. I'm an auditor and couldn't get through a day's work without compartmentalizing I suppose. But the affair itself has always been compartmentalized on its own I think, I didn't have to do anything to make it so. It's just easy. No whining, no tears, no ultimatums, no demands. He's doesn't call me or text or facebook me constantly and I don't do that to him either. Our time is our time, and when we're apart, we're apart. I think looking at it, the reason it's so easy is I'm not over-the-heels in love with him, and he's not making me grand promises he's never going to keep. I enjoy being with him, I love him (we used to date in our 20s and there were plenty tears then, seems I spent a good two years chasing him and weeding through other women to be with him, and at this time in my life I no longer need to do that). I believe that's the reason he was the perfect person for me... I knew him, I was comfortable with him and I knew I'd never want to leave my husband for him. So I can be carefree and easy with him in a way I can't be - totally - with my husband. And I think the same is true for him. Someone on here said something to the affect of "as long as the affair is easy, no requirements no personal demands, it's always good. But as soon as it requires anything from him (it was directed from a man's point of view) then he'll find a way out". I think that's true of most affairs. I wouldn't be involved in an affair that was an emotional roller-coster of tears and make ups. I don't have the stomach for it anymore. I've been the emotionally needy OW, I like this mutual footing better.

 

I think that answers your question. Thanks for asking, that made me think about it for a minute.

 

Oops, didn't see the part about my BS. I guess because I don't consider him as being betrayed. I am in the sense of the vowels we took, but I'm not intentionally trying to hurt him either. I do love him. If I didn't love him, I would leave him. Leaving him would be harder for us both.

 

I can see that and understand why that would be. Thank you for explaining.

[Brandyundercover45]

I do get it. Put the word sexually instead of emotionally, and you have our marriage. My wife would tell you that overall we are doing good too because SHE is getting her emotional needs met. And honestly, I am too. She knows we don't have sex much if at all anymore. We do have spurts where she realizes that maybe she should do something. Surprisingly she may even enjoy it. To her sex is not as important, so not having it doesn't really hurt the marriage.

 

But take out the sex and you simply have two great roommates raising children together. Hence, why I know what you mean and would not take aim at you for your choice.

 

Now if I were to quit taking the time to talk to her and "emotionally starved" her...THEN she would think our marriage was bad.

 

 

 

Sadly, I don't need the emotional connection so an affair simply becomes another relationship that would need work.

I commend you for know the difference and not making another relationship that would just need work. I think this is one instance where the double standard works in favor of women. Tell us pretty words and stroke us in the right places and we're all agush with affection and love. The problem comes in where she wants more than that and that's all you have to give. You can't make a relationship out of that. Neither can you make a marriage work where something as important as sex is lacking. Sex was created to keep a man and wife close, without it, as you've said, you have two friends living together. I hope you find a solution and you and your wife can save your marriage.

[Midwestmissy]

James, if I could turn back the clock to before my h affair, I'd have gone to marital counseling. See if you can get her to go and more importantly tell her you want her sexually. She may not genuinely know what your missing. My wh was lacking the ability to tell me his concerns and fears and needs. So he got mad at me for not knowing his needs and had an affair. He was to scared to express his needs and sent me on a journey to fix myself. Which of course didn't fix the marriage. I wish I'd known how confused he was about himself because I was his biggest fan. So tell her what you need.

[still_an_Angel]

No, I don't think my A with my MM has made his M better. Its pretty much the same over the years we have been together. I know that he cares for her like an older brother of some sort but I guess its just that they have grown into different people over the years (being together since they were in their teens) and so used to having each other in their lives.

 

My R with MM is a totally different life, we are primarily D/s and I have my own vanilla life with my children. I have no intention of changing that so we are comfortable with what we have.

 

Probably due to the nature of our R, it is easier to compartmentalize, its like this is my home life, my work life, my sport life then my bdsm life, something like that.

[eye of the storm]

I think my MMs A enabled him to ignore the cracks in his M. Like a pressure valve release.

[oceansaway]

I think my MMs A enabled him to ignore the cracks in his M. Like a pressure valve release.

 

Yes. One would never have a affair unless something was missing within the marriage. Thus the affair makes home life more tolerable. However I'm wondering what will happen to the marriage when the affair ends

[Midwestmissy]

If something is missing in the marriage, then both parties would have affairs. The partner with lousy coping skills steps out in a cowardly way. My needs were not being met either - yet I didn't cheat. I fought hard for us not knowing he was not being faithful. It changed nothing. I could have stood on my head and spit nickels on a daily basis and it wouldn't have changed his damaged character nor kept his pants up. People need to let that sh*t go - people cheat because they want to and they then stay and or leave in the marriage because they want to. It doesn't necessarily have to do with the "bad" marriage. Had it been horrendous, he would have left - yet he didn't want to leave. Sounds like it's about him.

[eye of the storm]

Midwestmissy, I am sorry for my wording. You are right. By cracks in the M, in this case, it was on his side. Our A gave him the ability to not deal with his issues. He only saw his W on the weekends and he was able to ignore and not deal.

[WestEndGirl]

I think it's interested, and important, for people to not pretend the marriage is bad to justify cheating. Clearly something is missing otherwise you're cheating just to be doing it because you can ... We married these people so they can't be all bad.

 

OMG. Truer words were never written. I was the MOW toward the end of my M to my exH (who'd had his own A). Although our M was bad, he himself was not bad. Nor was I bad. A mutual friend of ours told me once -- and I'll never forget this -- "You're both good people. But you're not good people together." Our values, our personalities ... we just didn't click like most couples. It always felt like an effort. I could never really be myself. My own A, however, made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't live with being in a M and an A at the same time. I knew that the right thing was to get a D, so I did. It was still hard to initiate. It would have been so much easier had we had at least one kid. I would have gotten a D much sooner.

[lftbehind]

The answer is a resounding yes. Honestly I'm happier after I see my OM. When I come home and see my husband, I'm always glad to be back "where I belong" sota speak. Does that make me a bad person, some on this thread seem to think so. But my husband even commented that we've been in a "good place lately". I've been officially sleeping with (was only emotional cheating at first) my OM for a few months and I know I'm less irritable and snappy to my husband because of it. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right... right now. I know it can't last forever, but for now, it works.

 

You seem cavalier about your M and A. I don't understand how you can feel like you belong at home with your husband and yet have an A and your husband thinks that you're in a good place. I guess I just don't understand how you can compartmentalize that well and make him feel like things are good in your M.

[BeautifulIdiot]

I've seen lots of people say that their marriages were better after the A ended. It made them facethe problems they have individually and in the M and properly confront and deal with them. After going through the inevitable pain of that time it seems it can make the marriage better in the long run.

 

Obviously I have no first had experience of it, it's just what I've read from some people on other threads.

Edited January 2, 2016 by BeautifulIdiot

[waterwoman]

I've seen lots of people say that their marriages were better after the A ended. It made them facethe problems they have individually and in the M and properly confront and deal with them. After going through the inevitable pain of that time it seems it can make the marriage better in the long run.

 

Obviously I have no first had experience of it, it's just what I've read from some people on other threads.

 

 

Yes I think that can be the case. I guess it was for us. It's the ultimate wake-up call - for both spouses. There was nothing fundamentally wrong, just a failure in communications. We both touched base from time to time, reassuring each other that everything was OK and that this was just a bad patch - and maybe that would have been enough if OW hadn't entered the picture. She was the catalyst - ultimately for us to stop and really look and FIX the issues. I wish it hadn't happened that way but maybe it was the only way.

[cocorico]

Yes, for the WS.

 

Why? Because he (or she) now has some excitement in a rather drab life. Now he can leave a marriage that may be sexless or emotionally distant to go to someone who cares about him. And let's not forget, he can be a new him for his AP and keep his many faults hidden. She may think she knows him, but she still only knows what he reveals. She waits for him like a sex kitten and is always ready to satisfy him.

 

His wife on the other hand, is boring, not interested in sex, at home eating bon bons when he gets home. After a long day of perhaps working herself or taking care of children, she isn't waiting at the door in lingerie and a sexy look on her face.

 

And his marriage? It is less happy in many ways even though for now it seems happier. What he doesn't realize is that he is escaping from the work of trying to rebuild or fix his marriage if it even still possible.

 

IMO adding an affair to a broken marriage may make the marriage better in the short term, but the day will come when he wakes up and realizes that instead of having one complicated relationship, he now has two.

 

The A did help my fMM (now H) survive in his M long enough, until the kids were old enough to face another split.

 

It also helped him to see just how broken the M was, by provide no another R with which to compare it.

 

It also helped him to develop back into himself, to expand into a self he could like and respect, in a context alongside his M, so that he could develop the skill set he needed to stand up to the xW and leave.

 

It made the M more bearable, for a while; it made him better; and it made the concept of R (and M, as a subset of R) better.

 

But using it as a bandaid indefinitely for his M would not have been sustainable for him, although it would have for the xBW.

[privategal]

While in EA, both ap and myself (both married) eere much more upbeat happier people.

We didn't talk about our spouses, we compartmentalized to the MAX.

We didn't seem to have voids at home that we used to justify A, we used the guise of friendship to justify we were friends with an attraction, no harm right?

When we ended it, we both had guilt, we both suffered, we weren't as happy, we missed the love but didn't miss the guilt.

We never lost connection or feeling for our sposes and we didn't need to reconnect but we did struggle to move on from the other, the addiction and to heal.

Its the highest high and the lowest low but in the midst, it added to my marriage.

I didn't pull away. In my mind he only got a sliver, my husband got the whole pie, whip cream and cherry.

Im not saying its good, ok, right, Im saying I lived it and wanted to answer the question honestly. I wouldn't do it twice, Im sorry for it.

It was good while it lasted and the trouble is it never lasts. The 'new love' high and validation is what draws you in. Its not real often or at least strong enough to sustain reality.

[OWAmy]

My xMM actually told me that having me in his life made it very easy to stay in his marriage. He said I nourished him so he was able to go back home and things were comfortable enough for him to stay. This was the catalyst for me ending the affair - no wonder I felt so drained after seeing him - he was feeding off me!! After I stopped the physical affair with him and no longer boosted his ego things became uncomfortable enough for him to leave his marriage so I think I provided the intimacy aspect. It was sayings like this that ultimately got me detaching from him. Closure took a little while longer but now we are in strict no contact. Occasionally I wonder how things would have panned out between us if I had withdrawn earlier, but what's done is done. By the time he left I had an incredible amount of resentment building for what he had put me through. What a waste of a life to perpetuate someone else's marriage.

 

Returning to the original question - home life probably became more tolerable/happy but can an affair improve a marriage. Hmmm I'm unsure.

[oceansaway]

I didn't mean that a affair makes a marriage better. We all know that can't be true. I meant to imply that having a "escape" in their life makes day to day for the WS more tolerable.

 

It gives me peace knowing my ex MM has to come back to reality of his life without me. It was all just a fantasy life and of course I'll always wonder how things turned out once reality sets in

[Poppy47]

xMM used to say he gave up years ago on having a deep emotional relationship with his wife. Maybe he didn't know how to ask for what he wanted.

 

I think the A made his marriage worse because he was a nervous wreck all the time.

 

In the long run... I can't say because I don't know.

 

Poppy

[NewLeaf512]

I've been reading a lot about this topic and was looking for input.

 

I am no longer the OW (I broke it off) but I was often told by MM how much I made his life bearable and was the only thing that kept him going. I guess after breaking it off I am (an always will) have questions and want answers.

 

So I was wondering if by having a OW/OM make a marriage better or more tolerable? Is it a escape from the day to day marriage issues...thus making home life better?

 

If the MM has a troubled marriage the fantasy time with OW can be an escape from the reality that the M is in trouble and calm them to "tolerate" the troubles at home. It's much like an alcoholic getting a drink. Then the detox sets in and it's worse than ever. This was my ExMM. In actuality he should have been facing the truth in his M and either fixing it .... Or not