Cheers to Confession Time

[alwayslookup]

I'd like to start and say don't judge. Don't tell me I need therapy. I probably need a lot more than that. But I'm new here and genuinely thought I'd see what you have to say about this.

So I am....crazy? evil? I don't know. So long story short I had an A with a MM for over 3 years. I do NOT respect men who cheat. I'm not sure I'm capable of love let alone with someone who is so vile as to cheat. Yes I've cheated, but I sometimes often consider myself vile.

 

I'm extremely good at manipulation, lying, and I like to play games to see just what I can get away with. Let's just say he had a profession in which you have to be a good liar and a good manipulator in order to be successful. So, this man was above all a great challenge for me, all the more fun. Plus he was almost 19 years older than me....all the more "wiser". Not to mention he was probably the most insecure man I had ever met, with an extreme inability to trust anyone and anything.

 

So long story short I played this person to an extent I never even thought I'd go. I'll probably go to hell for all of this. The lies I told, the feelings I made him feel. Purposely sucking him back in then pushing him away. The love I made him feel to only then going straight NC. To then dragging him back in. I slept with many men when we were "faithful" together. His biggest fear. I always reassured him I loved him too much to do that. I "left him" for a couple different men during our time, only to come back saying I made a mistake. A mistake that the other men were not easy enough. He was always devastated because he loved me so much. But he always took me back.

We were on and off anyways throughout the years.

 

So now we are done again. This time I don't want him back. This time I cant even continue seeing how pathetic he was to fall for my games for this long... it makes me sad for him. He was very heart broken this last ending because I showed absolutely not care in ending it. He can't see how I could be like that since we had something "so deep".

 

So my dilemma... A part of me actually feels bad. I actually feel like telling him all I did was lie and toy with him for years. Partly because I know how hard he handles our breakups and I want to ....do the right thing? And tell him what a b**** I am so he gets over it quick and to make sure there is no chance he will try and get me back. Then there is the other me that wants to hurt him, and make him see what a jack*** he is.

 

Now look, before all the name calling (if I get any)...when you cheat...when you break vows...all bets are off on the moral side. I consider myself a lesson taught. Isn't there some saying like.....be careful because you'll end up with the b**** you deserve?

[minimariah]

Don't tell me I need therapy. I probably need a lot more than that.

 

well... some good & long & deep therapy would definitely be a good START...

 

other than that, i have nothing to say. you don't think or feel even HALF of what you wrote - it is THAT obviously forced for shock value.

 

the truth is probably very different.

[alwayslookup]

Perhaps you just feel offended because you have been the OW, and they must have told you they loved you and you must have believed it.

[Miss Clavel]

I'd like to start and say don't judge. Don't tell me I need therapy. I probably need a lot more than that. But I'm new here and genuinely thought I'd see what you have to say about this.

So I am....crazy? evil?

 

 

 

So my dilemma... A part of me actually feels bad.

 

what do you feel bad about? that you've evil?

 

 

or that you ain't gettin any younger and you already wasted 3 years on the poor slob that thought more of you then you deserve?

[Miss Clavel]

well... some good & long & deep therapy would definitely be a good START...

 

 

there is nothing in the world to fix the birth defect she's got, she feels nothing for anyone.

[alwayslookup]

Again, all morals are off the table when you lack them to have an affair in the first place. It's all evil. Does the degree of the evil really matter?

[anika99]

If you want to help him get over you tell his wife of the affair. That will wake him up and make him see reality, plus it will give both him and his wife the incentive to either refocus on their marriage or end the marriage.

[StBreton]

So you don't think you're capable of love so you chose the least lovable kind of guy who you couldn't possibly love nor respect therefore a self fulfilling prophecy ...you don't care if he's capable of love so you truly risk nothing and don't get the answer to your question...am I capable of love and being in a mutually loving relationship. You know you've got work to do there but just thought I'd point that out as something to ponder.

 

The love you received from this guy meant nothing to you because of the decrepit place from which it came. Where else in your life (when you were young) did you receive decrepit love?

 

Question: who are you so mad/angry at? Who put hot sauce in your Captain Crunch cereal and ruined it? You went way beyond testing the "am I capable of love" ...you set this guy up to be your whipping boy. That comes from somewhere ...a long time ago ...like childhood ...you're getting back at someone who hurt you deeply. I feel more empathy for you than anything ...that you were hurt that badly as a defenseless child. I could be wrong but that hurt and anger comes from somewhere..:and has a life of it's own.

 

In answer to your question ... Think about what I just said above. Maybe it would be a step in your healing to confess to him ...and tell him why you did it ...I personally wouldn't want this on my conscience. An alcoholic writes letters to those he/she has hurt ...as part of the letting go and healing process. You've got a bit of rage-aholic going on.

 

I'll presume you're fairly young by you saying the guy is ~20 yrs your senior ...you can turn this around and make a great life for yourself. I hope you do. You will find out you're capable of great love.

[StBreton]

Again, all morals are off the table when you lack them to have an affair in the first place. It's all evil. Does the degree of the evil really matter?

 

Well it does ...there's robbing an old woman of her Christmas shopping money and there's killing her for it. Think of the rungs in hell ala Donte's Inferno

[alwayslookup]

StBreton, beautifully stated. I have sought out therapy years ago to find out where my issues come from, with no luck.

I've been this way with men my whole life. It wasn't until around age 20 that things happened to me. Perhaps that was the icing on the disorder cake to officially no longer feel much of anything.

I admit sometimes I get severely depressed that I am this way. It's sort of a curse to feel nothing at all, but to only be able to mimic and pretend what may possibly be something someone may feel.

[ladydesigner]

I'd like to start and say don't judge. Don't tell me I need therapy. I probably need a lot more than that. But I'm new here and genuinely thought I'd see what you have to say about this.

So I am....crazy? evil? I don't know. So long story short I had an A with a MM for over 3 years. I do NOT respect men who cheat. I'm not sure I'm capable of love let alone with someone who is so vile as to cheat. Yes I've cheated, but I sometimes often consider myself vile.

 

I'm extremely good at manipulation, lying, and I like to play games to see just what I can get away with. Let's just say he had a profession in which you have to be a good liar and a good manipulator in order to be successful. So, this man was above all a great challenge for me, all the more fun. Plus he was almost 19 years older than me....all the more "wiser". Not to mention he was probably the most insecure man I had ever met, with an extreme inability to trust anyone and anything.

 

So long story short I played this person to an extent I never even thought I'd go. I'll probably go to hell for all of this. The lies I told, the feelings I made him feel. Purposely sucking him back in then pushing him away. The love I made him feel to only then going straight NC. To then dragging him back in. I slept with many men when we were "faithful" together. His biggest fear. I always reassured him I loved him too much to do that. I "left him" for a couple different men during our time, only to come back saying I made a mistake. A mistake that the other men were not easy enough. He was always devastated because he loved me so much. But he always took me back.

We were on and off anyways throughout the years.

 

So now we are done again. This time I don't want him back. This time I cant even continue seeing how pathetic he was to fall for my games for this long... it makes me sad for him. He was very heart broken this last ending because I showed absolutely not care in ending it. He can't see how I could be like that since we had something "so deep".

 

So my dilemma... A part of me actually feels bad. I actually feel like telling him all I did was lie and toy with him for years. Partly because I know how hard he handles our breakups and I want to ....do the right thing? And tell him what a b**** I am so he gets over it quick and to make sure there is no chance he will try and get me back. Then there is the other me that wants to hurt him, and make him see what a jack*** he is.

 

Now look, before all the name calling (if I get any)...when you cheat...when you break vows...all bets are off on the moral side. I consider myself a lesson taught. Isn't there some saying like.....be careful because you'll end up with the b**** you deserve?

 

I would maybe focus on the bolded because you sound like you may have Narcissistic tendencies.

[ladydesigner]

StBreton, beautifully stated. I have sought out therapy years ago to find out where my issues come from, with no luck.

I've been this way with men my whole life. It wasn't until around age 20 that things happened to me. Perhaps that was the icing on the disorder cake to officially no longer feel much of anything.

I admit sometimes I get severely depressed that I am this way. It's sort of a curse to feel nothing at all, but to only be able to mimic and pretend what may possibly be something someone may feel.

 

OP you do know this sounds sociopathic?

[whichwayisup]

Do you want to fix yourself enough to actually feel compassion, genuine love and be a kind person? What you did was malicious and cruel done on purpose for your own ego and satisfaction. Don't give up on counseling, if one therapist doesn't work for you, find another one until you trust them enough to open up and solve why you're like this.

 

As for xMM, leave him alone, if he contacts you, don't reply. Your gift to him should be NC.

[minimariah]

Again, all morals are off the table when you lack them to have an affair in the first place. It's all evil. Does the degree of the evil really matter?

 

having an affair isn't EVIL, no. everything you write has one purpose only -- to provoke and shock and when someone provokes you BACK... you write out a response like this...

 

Perhaps you just feel offended because you have been the OW, and they must have told you they loved you and you must have believed it.

 

because, i guess it's impossible to have an opinion like mine and to be a... i don't know... a BS maybe?

[alwayslookup]

having an affair isn't EVIL, no. everything you write has one purpose only -- to provoke and shock and when someone provokes you BACK... you write out a response like this...

 

 

 

because, i guess it's impossible to have an opinion like mine and to be a... i don't know... a BS maybe?

 

What is evil to you? I consider one evil when they have absolutely no compassion for whomever they may hurt. Having an affair is evil.

 

Evil doesn't mean sadistic to me.

[winterkeep]

I consider one evil when they have absolutely no compassion for whomever they may hurt. Having an affair is evil.

 

 

Wow, I never realised this. Well you certainly showed me..well done.

 

Anyway, for the rest of you I think that rather then responding to the subtle aggression in this thread it may be the perfect opportunity to post the worst christmas cracker jokes you found this year; thats about as much reaction as this deserves.

 

I'll start!

 

Q. On what side do chickens have the most feathers?

A. The outside!

 

Have a great day everyone

[oceansaway]

I sense you have been hurt deeply before in order to act in this manner.

[eye of the storm]

Alwayslookup, what are you looking for?

 

You say you don't want to be judged but you post something that even an emotionless person would be fully aware is going to cause judgment.

 

But I think I saw a question hiding in all of it. What to do about the devastated MM. Walk away and move on. There is nothing you can do with him that is going to alleviate what you have already done. It is like blowing up a building and then trying to rebuild it with chewing gum. Let his W or his therapist work on fixing him. Just walk away.

 

And, just because you have little to no emotion does not mean you have to go out of your way to hurt others.

[RecoveringSlowly]

I'd like to start and say don't judge. Don't tell me I need therapy. I probably need a lot more than that. But I'm new here and genuinely thought I'd see what you have to say about this.

So I am....crazy? evil? I don't know. So long story short I had an A with a MM for over 3 years. I do NOT respect men who cheat. I'm not sure I'm capable of love let alone with someone who is so vile as to cheat. Yes I've cheated, but I sometimes often consider myself vile.

 

Judgement would do no good, you don't care. It is obvious is the way you ask if you are crazy or evil. Very tongue in cheek. I have a very strong feeling that you are not capable of love. I have many years experience living with a borderline sociopath, and I see some of the cluster B markers here.

 

I'm extremely good at manipulation, lying, and I like to play games to see just what I can get away with. Let's just say he had a profession in which you have to be a good liar and a good manipulator in order to be successful. So, this man was above all a great challenge for me, all the more fun. Plus he was almost 19 years older than me....all the more "wiser". Not to mention he was probably the most insecure man I had ever met, with an extreme inability to trust anyone and anything.

 

Narcissism, maybe? Of course you are good at manipulation. I have a feeling that you have been manipulating everyone around you to hide the emptiness inside you for a long time. You only like people based on how they make you feel about yourself. You choose your acquaintances as people who are "less" than you so that they do not challenge your view of yourself, so that you can feel superior and reap narcissistic supply.

 

So long story short I played this person to an extent I never even thought I'd go. I'll probably go to hell for all of this. The lies I told, the feelings I made him feel. Purposely sucking him back in then pushing him away. The love I made him feel to only then going straight NC. To then dragging him back in. I slept with many men when we were "faithful" together. His biggest fear. I always reassured him I loved him too much to do that. I "left him" for a couple different men during our time, only to come back saying I made a mistake. A mistake that the other men were not easy enough. He was always devastated because he loved me so much. But he always took me back.

We were on and off anyways throughout the years.

 

Of course you were. Why would you leave him? When you are running low on narcissistic supply you need a backup. Because, while you think he is weak, you are actually the weak one.

 

So now we are done again. This time I don't want him back. This time I cant even continue seeing how pathetic he was to fall for my games for this long... it makes me sad for him. He was very heart broken this last ending because I showed absolutely not care in ending it. He can't see how I could be like that since we had something "so deep".

 

It doesn't make you sad for him, I doubt you feel empathy. Sad is just a word you that you learned while hiding among humans. You are good at putting the right words together, I will give you that.

 

So my dilemma... A part of me actually feels bad. I actually feel like telling him all I did was lie and toy with him for years. Partly because I know how hard he handles our breakups and I want to ....do the right thing? And tell him what a b**** I am so he gets over it quick and to make sure there is no chance he will try and get me back. Then there is the other me that wants to hurt him, and make him see what a jack*** he is.

 

Of course you want to hurt him, you always have. It makes you feel powerful to know how much pain you can cause him. You aren't here for advice, you don't have a dilemma. You are here to illicit outrage from people you see as less than you, so that you can feed with your favorite punching bag gone. If you really wanted to do the right thing you would never speak to him again. But you don't want to do the right thing, and nothing anybody says is going to stop you from doing whatever you want.

 

Now look, before all the name calling (if I get any)...when you cheat...when you break vows...all bets are off on the moral side. I consider myself a lesson taught. Isn't there some saying like.....be careful because you'll end up with the b**** you deserve?

 

Is there a saying that crazy people can never see how crazy they are? For the love of all that is good and pure, get some damned therapy and put your beast in its cage.

Edited December 29, 2015 by RecoveringSlowly
word usage

[NewLeaf512]

StBreton, beautifully stated. I have sought out therapy years ago to find out where my issues come from, with no luck.

I've been this way with men my whole life. It wasn't until around age 20 that things happened to me. Perhaps that was the icing on the disorder cake to officially no longer feel much of anything.

I admit sometimes I get severely depressed that I am this way. It's sort of a curse to feel nothing at all, but to only be able to mimic and pretend what may possibly be something someone may feel.

 

 

It sounds like you already know what your diagnosis is. How are you managing it?

[stillafool]

StBreton, beautifully stated. I have sought out therapy years ago to find out where my issues come from, with no luck.

.

 

So if years of therapy couldn't help you what do you want from LoveShack?

[alwayslookup]

I think I wanted....I needed....you to all judge me.

To hear people speak of me as such is tough, but necessary.

Without explaining further, thank you.

[lftbehind]

I'd like to start and say don't judge. Don't tell me I need therapy. I probably need a lot more than that. But I'm new here and genuinely thought I'd see what you have to say about this.

So I am....crazy? evil? I don't know. So long story short I had an A with a MM for over 3 years. I do NOT respect men who cheat. I'm not sure I'm capable of love let alone with someone who is so vile as to cheat. Yes I've cheated, but I sometimes often consider myself vile.

 

I'm extremely good at manipulation, lying, and I like to play games to see just what I can get away with. Let's just say he had a profession in which you have to be a good liar and a good manipulator in order to be successful. So, this man was above all a great challenge for me, all the more fun. Plus he was almost 19 years older than me....all the more "wiser". Not to mention he was probably the most insecure man I had ever met, with an extreme inability to trust anyone and anything.

 

So long story short I played this person to an extent I never even thought I'd go. I'll probably go to hell for all of this. The lies I told, the feelings I made him feel. Purposely sucking him back in then pushing him away. The love I made him feel to only then going straight NC. To then dragging him back in. I slept with many men when we were "faithful" together. His biggest fear. I always reassured him I loved him too much to do that. I "left him" for a couple different men during our time, only to come back saying I made a mistake. A mistake that the other men were not easy enough. He was always devastated because he loved me so much. But he always took me back.

We were on and off anyways throughout the years.

 

So now we are done again. This time I don't want him back. This time I cant even continue seeing how pathetic he was to fall for my games for this long... it makes me sad for him. He was very heart broken this last ending because I showed absolutely not care in ending it. He can't see how I could be like that since we had something "so deep".

 

So my dilemma... A part of me actually feels bad. I actually feel like telling him all I did was lie and toy with him for years. Partly because I know how hard he handles our breakups and I want to ....do the right thing? And tell him what a b**** I am so he gets over it quick and to make sure there is no chance he will try and get me back. Then there is the other me that wants to hurt him, and make him see what a jack*** he is.

 

Now look, before all the name calling (if I get any)...when you cheat...when you break vows...all bets are off on the moral side. I consider myself a lesson taught. Isn't there some saying like.....be careful because you'll end up with the b**** you deserve?

 

Is this post for real? Why would you toy with a man for over 3 years, especially when you thought that he was pathetic? What was the point of doing that? I don't understand why he would put up with such terrible treatment for that long. Have you been abused in your past, so you want to abuse others?

[sandylee1]

Is this post for real? Why would you toy with a man for over 3 years, especially when you thought that he was pathetic? What was the point of doing that? I don't understand why he would put up with such terrible treatment for that long. Have you been abused in your past, so you want to abuse others?

 

Many OW put up with terrible treatment too.. For much longer than 3 years. Some people feel they aren't deserving of any better.

 

I hope you push /pull taught this MM not to seek out a bit on the side anymore. You can just leave him to lick his wounds now.

 

Just one thing to think about though .... your extreme behaviour may push someone over the edge one day.. can you live with that?

I suspect you probably can ... if so carry on teaching MM a lesson..

Consider yourself something of a BWs BFF.

[Miss Clavel]

Many OW put up with terrible treatment too.. For much longer than 3 years. Some people feel they aren't deserving of any better.

 

I hope you push /pull taught this MM not to seek out a bit on the side anymore. You can just leave him to lick his wounds now.

 

Just one thing to think about though .... your extreme behaviour may push someone over the edge one day.. can you live with that?

I suspect you probably can ... if so carry on teaching MM a lesson..

Consider yourself something of a BWs BFF.

what about the women that meet her leavings? some great guy that got his teeth kicked in just because he's got a soul and no limits.